Husband wants another baby

[gogogo21]

Husband really wants another child, and I'm in two minds whether to have another.

For context, we have 4 already, youngest has SEN, non verbal, still in nappies and has no basic understanding - DC is 3. He literally needs eyes on him 24/7.

Husband goes to the gym 5-6 days a week, works full time, and is barely home - there is an odd day he will be home for the full day. When he is home, he doesn't bath, change, cook or feed the kids. I raised this with him, and he explicitly said he will pull his weight and make sure he helps when he is home. I love him but I feel he can be very selfish and self centred at times, no regards to how I feel.

I also work full time, but I WHF so the responsibility falls on me. ABIU to not want another child, where I bear the full responsibility of everything - he said he will help 50/50 but I just can't see it happening. I would love to have more but I don't feel I would be able to cope if he doesn't help.

Ultimately it is my decision, I'm just worried about many things.

It would be a no from me.
4 is enough.
Sounds like he just wants you barefoot and pregnant.

Jesus Christ no.

Sounds like he has a pregnancy fetish

In your position I absolutely see with you don't want another child. I think there are few who would think it was a good idea.

It would be a massive NO from me. And to those saying “prove it for a year”…. What if he reverts back to his old selfish ways and then OP has to juggle 5 children, a career and a house all by herself? No. No. No. No.

Wanting another child to be their carer is as unethical as having another child to get a body part donation from.

4 kids is enough, IMO.

No fucking way.

👍👍👏👏

Now, sort out DH's attitude towards helping out with the 4/5 kids and around teh house as you listed in your op. Good luck.

Why do you think he would suddenly be helpful after the 5th child when he does sod all for the first 4? Definitely not

I'd honestly tie my tubes - I can't believe you've had 4 kids with such a selfish individual.

The fact he's saying this because your youngest will soon start the process of getting a school place makes me think he wants to keep you in 'the position' your currently in.

Whilst your youngest has additional needs your finally within a year of getting some of your life back whilst his life has never changed. I don't care if your mary Poppins surely after 4 kids your craving this?

If the 50/50 is not happening now it ain't gonna happen, your making the right decision by saying no, you have your hands full, it's ok for him to want one when it's not them looking after them.

How you are coping with 4 already and working whilst he isn’t helping much is beyond me but hats off to you. I would be on the brink of divorce never mind considering another child!

It sounds like you already have 5 if you include your husband tbh op. What's his reasoning for wanting another child, when he's barely parenting the 4 he has? I have two, and a very hands on DH, and I already feel burnt out. Can't imagine another 2 (including one with what sounds like quite severe additional needs) and be contemplating another, especially if my husband didn't pull his weight around the home, with the children. It would be a hell no from me.

If this is real, can I just warn you that you don't have time to have a 5th child. If your child needs EHCP that is a huge job itself given the state of the SEN system. Think about that seriously (speak to some parents of school age SEN kids) because there is a real risk school won't work for your youngest.

Wait. He wants another CHILD to be there to help his child with severe special needs but he, an ADULT, does fuck all for his own child himself?

You work full time. You do pretty much everything already, including managing a special needs non-verbal child while he goes to the gym daily and does nothing when he's home.

Not only would there be no more children, but I'd be having some pretty loud, serious discussions about his failure to pull his weight NOW and how that needs to change going forward, or he can have them 50/50 by himself while you have a break. Separate from him.

My reaction before the update that he wanted to breed a support human : Hell no!

Now : FUCKING HELL NO!!!

I also wonder if there is an element of wanting you bare foot and pregnant going on. After this comment, I don’t know if I would ever feel the same way about him again.

Absolutely not - unless he has a complete character change and throws himself into family life for a sustained period (and even then you can't be certain he won't return to form)

Even if you didn't have 4 already, his reasoning for wanting another is appalling. You don't make babies to be future carers.

If you are already questioning it, there is your answer.

I'm sorry but if it was me I'd be telling him hell no. He doesn't even sound like he helps with your first 3 so I doubt that will change for a 4th. Please don't let him talk you into something that Is going to make your life 100 times harder

This is exactly what i was thinking.

I would say yes, once he’d proved that he can be an equal parent. Just don’t mention they need to keep it up for 18yrs.

Oh come on.

He's already shown you what sort of father he is.

He says he'll pull his weight so let him do that, if he sticks to it for 12 months minimum then you can discuss having another baby again.

Tell him to pull his weight 50/50 with his current children!

If you didn't work I would wonder if he wants you pregnant and bare footed, stuck in the house.

Also four kids by 33 is a lot as 33 is still quite young. I would be sorting contraception out asap.