Husband wants another baby

[gogogo21]

Husband really wants another child, and I'm in two minds whether to have another.

For context, we have 4 already, youngest has SEN, non verbal, still in nappies and has no basic understanding - DC is 3. He literally needs eyes on him 24/7.

Husband goes to the gym 5-6 days a week, works full time, and is barely home - there is an odd day he will be home for the full day. When he is home, he doesn't bath, change, cook or feed the kids. I raised this with him, and he explicitly said he will pull his weight and make sure he helps when he is home. I love him but I feel he can be very selfish and self centred at times, no regards to how I feel.

I also work full time, but I WHF so the responsibility falls on me. ABIU to not want another child, where I bear the full responsibility of everything - he said he will help 50/50 but I just can't see it happening. I would love to have more but I don't feel I would be able to cope if he doesn't help.

Ultimately it is my decision, I'm just worried about many things.

I think this is just a way to try to keep you at home. Your youngest is free. Soon DC will get some subsidised nursery hours and you could GP back to work at least part time. Sounds like he's just trying to keep you in the kitchen. If he was a wonderful father always doing things with the DC maybe but it doesn't sound like he's that type of Dad. I'd say no.

It's not fair to have a baby to take on responsibility for an older sibling with SN. Surely you can see that. Anyway not all siblings get on.

Zombie is 100% correct. You don't seem to have fertility issues so you comfortably have time to make him solo parent for a year. You'll only be 34 next year.
Having said that i really don't think you should have another child as you don't want to- and he needs to properly step up regardless.

Absolutely not. He won't change

Oh fuck that!!! You can't breed a child to be a carer!!!!!!!!!

Plus doing 50/50 should NOT be conditional on you having another child!!!

God he's a right dick isn't he!

I agree his reason is stupid, I wouldn't expect any of my children to be a carer.

Why on gods earth does he want another child, when he doesn’t even spend time with the four (four!! We have four and it’s bloody hard work!) he has?!

What a terrible idea. Husband sounds incredibly selfish.

Good for you.

It's the most gross idea.

Does he expect everyone in his life to just be a support human?!

tell him

1. not no but hell no

2. get a vasectomy

@gogogo21 Your choice. Can you just confirm you guys are not on any benefits and if in council house, you won't need to be rehoused to house a 5th Kid? Otherwise, crack on. DH's attitude is irrelevant.

And, if the two of you fund this lifestyle purely from your pockets with zero help from the state's benefits system- more power to you. Well, done!

And what if it’s twins?

It would have been a no from me after the first once it became apparent the parenting wouldn’t be 50;50. You already have 5 children, your DH being one.

As a mum of 3 children 1 who had significant complex additional support needs and has a husband who does pull his weight when he is home (I do most of the day to dat stuff as I a SAHM just now as my disabled child needs me a lot but he helps) i would say no.

Why does he want another child? I suspect he has zero idea of how much work they actually are because he doesn't do any of it. Do you want another child? If so I highly suggest you give him a 50/50 chore list/kids activity list/ care needs etc then tell him if he helps consistently for the next 3 years then you will consider it. I imagine within a month he won't want anymore kids.

P.S neither me or my husband want more kids because we both know how much work is involved with caring for them particularly a child with significant disabilities.

We don't claim benefits (we earn to much) and our house is bought.

I’d tell him I’d consider another child once he has demonstrated he can pull his weight at home with his existing children consistently for 12 months.

i’d also be explaining that you fancy joining a gym so maybe he can drop a couple of session so you could go 2-3 x per week too…

If it wasn't such a horrible way of doing it, I'd laugh at this wind up. Stop being a dick OP

Why does he want another baby when you already have 4 he's not hands on with. It just doesn't make sense to me. Why would he change for the 5th child?

OP I have just read out husband's reasons for wanting another child that's very unfair on another child. They are being brought into the world to help care for a sibling. My younger 2 children have zero caring responsibilities for my oldest child who is disabled. It's not there responsibility it's me and dhs. They are kids and they need to be kids. Also have either of you considered the possibility the child may also have disabilities?

What @Zombiemum1946 said!

YANBU. I'd be getting the coil or something else similarly long term. Sounds like he's disappointed with DC3 and wants another "normal" kid. Disgusting.

This is a very unkind reason to bring a child into the world. We didn't exactly want you but we needed a carer for your sibling.
Also you can't guarantee they would choose to do this when they are older. You have no control over whether your children so much as like one another when they are grown ups.

What if the next baby has special needs? Or you have twins? Or the next birth incapacitated you in some way. It’s not a risk I’d take in your position.

You are both totally crazy to consider even for 1 second having another child.

4 is more than enough. What if the 5th also had health issues?

Look after the children you have and tell your husband to grow up