Husband wants another baby

[gogogo21]

Husband really wants another child, and I'm in two minds whether to have another.

For context, we have 4 already, youngest has SEN, non verbal, still in nappies and has no basic understanding - DC is 3. He literally needs eyes on him 24/7.

Husband goes to the gym 5-6 days a week, works full time, and is barely home - there is an odd day he will be home for the full day. When he is home, he doesn't bath, change, cook or feed the kids. I raised this with him, and he explicitly said he will pull his weight and make sure he helps when he is home. I love him but I feel he can be very selfish and self centred at times, no regards to how I feel.

I also work full time, but I WHF so the responsibility falls on me. ABIU to not want another child, where I bear the full responsibility of everything - he said he will help 50/50 but I just can't see it happening. I would love to have more but I don't feel I would be able to cope if he doesn't help.

Ultimately it is my decision, I'm just worried about many things.

Tell him to save up for a carer for your child with SEN rather than another child. He sounds thick.

This.

Why on earth does he want another one when he doesn't parent the four he has already?

Does he just like the number 5 or something?

Starting to think it was a wind up but you answered OP.

So, when you said his reason was stupid what did he say?

You come across as a little vague in your answers. Are you, do you think, emotionally beaten down by your partner?

Tell your husband if he can find a way to become pregnant and give birth, be prepared to give up work and activities for an indefinite period, he can have another baby. Otherwise NOT.

Fucking hell. If that's why he wants another child he should start a savings account instead.
Employ a carer. Don't create one and train them from birth. That's, well, abusive is the word that comes to mind. The next three are bat crap crazy.

Welcome to the world my child. The sole reason you exist is to dedicate your life to the care of your sibling.

You’ve had 4 children and just let him get away with doing absolutely nothing for them. No way in hell would I have another!!!

Just seen your answer. Having a child as a potential carer for your DC4 is a terrible idea. You'd do better to save the money you'd spend on a DC5 to pay towards any care DC4 might need later on in life which wouldn't be funded otherwise.

4 is plenty.

Is there a possibility your husband emotionally struggles with the special needs of your 4th and wants to have a "do over" with a 5th child?

The OP hasn't done anything. He's chosen not to pull his weight.

You can't force people to be decent parents, unfortunately.

I was going to say not unless he shows you for 1 year that he can properly parent, which fits your timeline. However, given his reason for wanting another I would say hell no. That's abhorrent.

I read the op and thought "Fuck that!!!"

You would be mad to consider having another in your circumstances.

I mean, I think my kids are amazing, funny, sweet, so bloody handsome it's outrageous and I would absolutely have lots more if it wasn't me who had to put in the relentless hard work of caring for them so I get where he's coming from.
However the reason DH and I have stopped is that kids are hard work if you're doing it right. They need your time more than anything else and you only have so much of it to share between 4 already - and this man isn't willing to put in any time with the ones who are here already, even though he knows his selfishness is causing his wife so much upset and exhaustion!
And the comment about producing a carer for DC4 - I don't know how you can look him in the face, OP. So icky, so immoral, so unattractive. 🤮

Just read your update.

What a batshit idea. And if your 5th has special needs, he will pressuring you into having a 6th, so that baby can be the carer. Don't do it.

Tell him to start helping 50/50 now. I seriously doubt he will help if you have another child.

Do you feel like you can stand up to him and say no OP?

'The youngest was supposed to be our last - we agreed but we now know he has SEN. He wants to make sure the little one has a younger sibling to help him through life.'

Hard no to this. This is not a child's responsibility. What if baby no 5 had SENs of their own, would he want baby no 6. It's emotional blackmail.

He' just wants to tie you down when you're getting to a stage where you might get a bit of free time for yourself.

You can choose to not have multiple children with a shit parent though.

This! And even worse putting 4 kids through a useless example of a father. I can understand the first where you 'might' have been unaware, but then to go on and on and on with more kids. Typical.

Who needs 5 children?

no.

I used to think no one can be this stupid but sadly it happens.

Jesus wept! He wants to bring a child into the world to serve the needs of another, rather than to be a person in their own right. I find that very chilling, personally, and I would refuse to have another child for that reason alone. No-one should be 'born into servitude'!

"he said he will help 50/50"
Why would he, when he hasn't before? I think we all know he absolutely would not, it would still all fall to you. And you'd feel resentful for his broken 'promise' to boot.

Honestly, I'd be telling him to fuck off, and I'd be insisting he looks to his priorities. You're already a single parent for all practical purposes, and I'd be pointing that out to him too.

I would be so angry with him.

Having lots of progeny is an ego thing for many men.

He can start pulling his weight now and in a year or two you can think about it (assuming he’s consistently parenting with you)

What @Zombiemum1946 said. He has to prove it for at least a year first. Suspect when he has to do that he will realise another would be too much work!
I mean I'd love ten children if someone else was going to push them out and do all the heavy work and I just had to flit in and out for some cuddles.

Does he just want to check his gun’s still working?