Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

The timing is never ideal.

How can you both make her feel loved and valued and help her through this important phase of her life?

Honestly, unless there is some other aspect to this that you haven't written about, I think your partner's reaction is quite sweet - he's worried about his DD. I think that's a fairly normal reaction - it's very common for parents to feel a bit scared about how their first child will react to the second one and it doesn't really matter that his DD is an adult.

Have you talked through his fears with him?

It’s a complex situation. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want the baby. Just that the timing isn’t ideal.

When my dd turned 18 I always wanted to take her to New York. Which we did. But I wouldn’t have gone and left a newborn at home.

We made a huge deal of dds 18th. My mum died a couple of months before, just before my 40th. I knew it would be difficult for her. So wanted to make a real fuss. I suppose he feels her birthday might be over shadowed by the birth of a new sibling.

Your step daughters 18th will likely be full of mixed emotions, having lost her own mum. My 40th was horrific and I am a grown adult. He will be aware of that.

And it’s a time of mixed emotions for him as well.

I get why you feel you do. But I don’t think he is wrong and I don’t think he doesn’t want the baby at all. It is a (possibly will always be) a complex situation.

Ahhh this is scarily similar, he has already booked flights to take her to the US open in New York over her birthday (she’s a massive tennis fan). We’ve discussed it and decided she can pick to either take a friend or her boyfriend instead and we will still cover all the costs but I do think he’s a bit disappointed to be missing out on that with her. He is going to take her to Wimbledon instead but they have done that a few times and I think he felt like this was extra special. I do get the timing could be better!

He 100% should not cancel this trip with his daughter

@LouLouPat I'm sorry he's spoiling this for you. If he was SO concerned about the timing he could have used condoms couldn't he!

when he says it again, tell him you'll terminate then, see what his reaction is.

that might clear a few things up.

when he realises that is NOT going to happen, just tell him DSD can still have a huge fuss made over her, that any other time is likely to be 'not ideal' either. Ask if he actually wants this baby or not?!?!

He needs to get on board. Get DSD told before she puts 2+2 together & is hurt she wasn't told. And before he completely ruins your pregnancy.

The baby will be barely 3 weeks old and his DD doesn’t know about the trip.

Of course he should cancel it.

The OP will be about to give birth at that time. She needs him.

The birth of a child is more important than a holiday. The holiday can be postponed.

Please don’t threaten to terminate. That would be quite manipulative.

OP you could go into labour early. You could have a complicated delivery.

Don't assume that your baby will be born vaginally, at term.

Your partner needs to prioritise you at this time. He's feeling a bit guilty, but his DD sounds lovely. It'll be fine

Tell her, sooner rather than later.

Ah so the baby timing is technically already impacting on his daughter she just doesn’t know it.

He had grand plans all booked and paid for to take his daughter on this amazing trip for becoming an adult a tennis trip they both would clearly love daughter and father bonding too before she leave off to uni and now it’s just here’s some tickets to take a mate. Love dad and Op.

I’m not surprised his worried about the timing, it’s just opened up his eyes as to now really how everything is going to change and have to be baby focused again.

Nobody is being unreasonable as such though.

I'm pretty sure the OP wouldn't do anything of the kind

Threatening to terminate is an awful suggestion. An absolute dick move.

So he wanted to do this with his daughter. Planned it and now can’t. Given her mother died and it will likely be difficult for them both and this is something he planned I can see why he is bothered.

I don’t think he actually needs to cancel the trip. But that’s a personal decision.

But o think it’s really obvious that’s the issue. Turning it into ‘he doesn’t want the baby’ when there’s a clear explanation is taking it a bit far to be honest.

when he says it again, tell him you'll terminate then, see what his reaction is.
that might clear a few things up

What the fuck?

Absolutely do not do this. It would be a vile, manipulative and emotionally abusive thing to do.

Are you well @WagWoofWalkMeeoow ? Advising the op to threaten to terminate her pregnancy is really disturbingly manipulative.

Op - I think it’s just a bit complex on an emotional level. Could he not take her to the opens next year, if it is something he really wants to do with her?

You and your dh seem to be very thoughtful people so keep talking to each other and you’ll land on the right way to tell your step daughter. She sounds a lovely young woman too so I am sure all will be fine.

Is there any reason why you're not married, OP? Do you earn a lot more than your partner? Own a house?

Not sure why any of this is relevant.
I’ve never owned a house, I earn less and we don’t want to get married, both been there done that.

Well that's revolting.

It's unfortunate but it is what it is and any time could have its downsides. If it happened two months later, she could be upset as she had just started uni. Or earlier and during her A levels. You both decided to try to conceive so you must have known something could happen around her birthday.

To be honest, you could cope for a few days, couldn't you? Or invite family to help out? Or postpone the trip to the Christmas holidays.

I guess the reality versus the imagined is more daunting, but assuming you didn't cajole him into getting pregnant, he'll get used to the idea, surely?

Well, no it’s not great timing for his daughter. In fact it’s pretty awful timing. I think it would be hard for anyone her age to get a new sibling at the same time as experiencing huge life events of their own. But she lost her mum. That will make things like turning 18 and starting university more emotionally charged than normal.

I think he’s been incredibly shortsighted not to plan with this in mind…But the time to consider that was before he had unprotected sex.

I honestly don’t know what to suggest except that he makes sure she still feels special on her 18th birthday (which might be difficult given that he will be looking after a newborn and supporting you at the same time… but that’s his problem. You and the new baby shouldn’t lose out either). He also needs to make sure that he still gives her as much support around starting university as he would have if he hadn’t just had another child.

I voted YABU @LouLouPat

This young woman lost her Mum when she was 12 years old.

Three years later you moved into her family home.

I am not surprised he is reticent tbh.

By all means, be excited around your own family and friends BUT you could be a lot more sensitive as to the daughter's "possible" reactions to the news.

Her special 18th birthday trip should also definitely go ahead.

This is for her Dad to navigate tbh. Congratulations💐

I still don’t see what he shouldn’t go? So the baby will be 3 weeks could someone come and stay with you if you don’t want to be on your own?

You need the legal protection of marriage (or a civil partnership) if you're the lower earner, for your sake and especially for your baby's sake.

I completely overlooked the emotional side to the fact her mum isn’t around for such a big celebration either.

So for that I say sorry to you op but he should definitely still go on the trip with his daughter. Hire a nanny or have family to come help if required.

But it’s likely to be a very emotional time for her. 18, A level results, off to uni… no mum…. Dads girlfriend just had a baby… maybe even more so if the baby is a girl too. In fact possibly rather emotional for your dp too, this milestone in his daughters life without her mother and them remembering her as well and how proud she would have been of her.

Well maybe he should have thought of that before you got pregnant. No sympathy for him. He's just going to have to bite the bullet and be honest with his daughter. She'll be more upset that she hasn't been told I'd imagine.

She should have her trip too - maybe make it a pre-Christmas shopping trip - all the Christmas lights etc.