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AIBU?

Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

821 replies

LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 15:19

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

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Am I being unreasonable?

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Oxonc3 · 12/01/2024 18:29

Tell her soon. He should go on the trip. You can have someone come and keep you company while he is away. Is your property in your name? You owe it to your child to protect yourself financially.

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IfYouDontAsk · 12/01/2024 18:30

he has already booked flights to take her to the US open in New York over her birthday (she’s a massive tennis fan). We’ve discussed it and decided she can pick to either take a friend or her boyfriend instead and we will still cover all the costs but I do think he’s a bit disappointed to be missing out on that with her. 

I think cancelling the trip with his daughter is a terrible idea. She’s had huge amounts of upheaval in her life and I think it sends an awful message of her father ditches her for her 18th birthday.

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ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 12/01/2024 18:31

StillStuckInTheShed · 12/01/2024 17:55

She's going to have to respond to it anyway. She has no say in the matter, its happening. Not essential, I'll give you that, but it's something she apparently loves and she shares that passion with her father. Imagine so many years down the line she discovers her father planned to take her to this event but canceled and 'celebrated on home soil' because her sibling had been born.

For OP of course her and her baby will be the priority. He has DD to think of too. No matter how old your children are they will always be your babies!

She will only have to respond to not going to the US open with dad in her 18th if she is told it was going to happen. She doesn't know about the trip.
If she found out as an adult? Hopefully she will just be thankful she's got a dad who could see that his new baby and partners needs were more acute than hers at that moment in time, she had a great time for her 18th anyway and the trip for her 19th was fabulous!
Honestly, the more young women that are taught to expect to be their partners top priority when they have just given birth the better.

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stoptryingtomakefetchhappen · 12/01/2024 18:32

Lots of posters saying that DP should absolutely go on the trip when newborn is 3 weeks old. However what if the baby is late? And/or there are complications? Not trying to scare the OP but it needs to be considered. It’s a very vulnerable time for DSD turning 18 and having lost her mum at a young age, but it’s also a vulnerable time for OP and the newborn (and an unpredictable one at that…)

Also there is just as much chance that DSD will feel bad if her DF insists on continuing with going on the trip with her. She sounds caring and considerate and may herself feel conflicted or guilty about her DF being away for her birthday when her newborn sister is born.

It’s a very difficult situation but DSD is almost an adult and should be treated as such: DP being upfront and honest with her NOW is the only way to deal with it.

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LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 18:34

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 12/01/2024 18:31

She will only have to respond to not going to the US open with dad in her 18th if she is told it was going to happen. She doesn't know about the trip.
If she found out as an adult? Hopefully she will just be thankful she's got a dad who could see that his new baby and partners needs were more acute than hers at that moment in time, she had a great time for her 18th anyway and the trip for her 19th was fabulous!
Honestly, the more young women that are taught to expect to be their partners top priority when they have just given birth the better.

The trip can’t be cancelled, which is why she should go with a friend, not need to know her dad was ever planning on going with her.

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LaurieStrode · 12/01/2024 18:35

fitzwilliamdarcy · 12/01/2024 18:15

I feel for the 18 year old, who by the sounds of it has perhaps had to grow up fast because of losing a parent and her dad finding a new girlfriend.

The 18th is such an important and special milestone. She’s lost her mum and now the focus of that occasion will be gone because of a new baby in the household.

Everyone saying she’ll have to suck it up because it’s all about the baby - you’re far colder than I could be. Blended families are a sore spot for me and this thread makes it really clear why - they’re never in the best interests of the children, it’s always just about what the adults want.

Exactly.

This teen has had one shitty event after another in her short life and the least her father can do is put her first for her milestone birthday and special 1:1 trip with him. The baby won't know the difference and the baby's mum will manage for a few days.

The idea of sending the girl off to New York with some friend is just astonishingly callous.

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Greenqueen40 · 12/01/2024 18:35

Really bad planning with the pregnancy timing. Absolutely do not let him cancel that trip, she needs special time with her dad if she doesn't have her mum. I managed with 2 toddlers and a newborn while my partner was absent working, it's easily doable, don't be precious. If you are concerned re complications or issues at birth just make sure they have good travel insurance and can cancel last min if needed. You can't plan everything imagining things will go wrong and he may be needed 'just in case'.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 12/01/2024 18:36

Most 18 year olds would prefer to go with their boyfriend rather than their dad anyway

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LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 18:36

Greenqueen40 · 12/01/2024 18:35

Really bad planning with the pregnancy timing. Absolutely do not let him cancel that trip, she needs special time with her dad if she doesn't have her mum. I managed with 2 toddlers and a newborn while my partner was absent working, it's easily doable, don't be precious. If you are concerned re complications or issues at birth just make sure they have good travel insurance and can cancel last min if needed. You can't plan everything imagining things will go wrong and he may be needed 'just in case'.

You really think he should be away from his newborn child for 10+ days for tennis?

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LaurieStrode · 12/01/2024 18:37

LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 18:36

You really think he should be away from his newborn child for 10+ days for tennis?

The newborn won't know the difference.

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OhmygodDont · 12/01/2024 18:38

We think he should spend this trip with his oldest child who is having a big milestone event without a mother around yes.


Your baby doesn’t need him there for those days, your baby won’t remember those days. His oldest will remember this event.

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Barrenfieldoffucks · 12/01/2024 18:38

In the circumstances, yes. Unless one of you is unwell it should be fine.

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Pookerrod · 12/01/2024 18:39

LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 18:36

You really think he should be away from his newborn child for 10+ days for tennis?

Not for tennis, for his daughter and himself and a special time before she leaves home when she’s just had her 18th without her mum.

If 10 days is too much then he should push the flight out back by a few days and go around 1st Sept.

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LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 18:41

I think it’s absurd that you are all suggesting he go away for 10 days for tennis when his DD won’t need to know he was ever planing to go.
My parents aren’t fit to help and I have no siblings, I’d literally be left with a newborn alone for over a week for tennis?? Absolutely not.
We will do a meal the night before, a party the day off, lots of lovely gifts and he can take her to the pub for her first legal drink. That’s plenty.

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Bringonthesunforthewashing · 12/01/2024 18:41

LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 18:36

You really think he should be away from his newborn child for 10+ days for tennis?

Not under normal circumstances, but this is completely different.

He should go, it’s 10 days. Won’t he feel resentful he missed it if he doesn’t?

He should be with her x

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OhmygodDont · 12/01/2024 18:41

Also it’s not “for tennis” it’s to recognise and celebrate with his oldest child her birthday. Her going off to uni and passing her A levels with something they jointly love. It’s to spoil her that extra bit and be her cheerleader and champion because she lost her mother at a young age, she’s never going to get her mother with her getting ready on her wedding day, or gushing over her newborn baby when the time comes.

She gets dad, dad has to be both mum and dad and support her just that little bit extra because she doesn’t have two cheerleaders she has one.


Your baby has both parents hopefully for a long long time.

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FatimaWhippedRed · 12/01/2024 18:41

I know you want him there in the weeks after the birth but honestly his DD really deserves the trip with her Dad. You could try get someone to stay with you during that time and tell DSD that if anything went wrong and it ws critical that your DH stay with you then she'd have to take a friend but all going well your DH would take her as it really is a special trip for them.

Being alone with a newborn is tough at times but it's not the worst thing to happen. You would be ok.

If your DSD is in any way religious/spiritual you could break the news of the baby to her by doing a cute (sometimes cringe but hey she's 17!) godmother question where she gets asked to be the babys Godmother. I've seen people do this with older siblings as a way of showing them how important they are to the family. It's not for everyone but might help your DSD to adjust to the news.

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Saymyname28 · 12/01/2024 18:42

This man has made the choice to be a father. To create a new baby. To impregnate a woman. And people genuinely think he should get to trot off on a big lovely holiday right when his baby is due to be born and his partner could be in any state after birth.

Not everyone has family and friends that can come help.

I didn't have a soul besides an abusive exDH who did everything he could to make it harder and more painful for me. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. "Don't be a princess, I managed with two toddlers and a baby so you csn suck it up" bullshit. She's not the only parent with responsibilities here.

DSD doesn't even know her dad wanted to go on the trip. Does anyone actually think that when presented with an all expenses paid trip with her boyfriend to the US open that she's going to be DISAPOINTED? What?

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Wills · 12/01/2024 18:42

I know it's your first but your baby will not remember a thing! Your step-daughter will and this is important for both of them. Absolutely he should go!

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OhmygodDont · 12/01/2024 18:42

Your parents can’t help… but you still have both parents.


Enter wicked stepmother dictatorship over what a dad can do with his own daughter now a baby of her own is arriving.

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FlamingoQueen · 12/01/2024 18:42

I’m sorry, but the way to make his dd feel valued is to go on the trip with her. I know it’s not at all convenient but there was always a chance you could get pregnant straight away. Congratulations too!
You may find that a few days with your baby is actually a perfect time (yes I do have dc myself). If you have food in you could just spend some real quality time with your lo.

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beetr00 · 12/01/2024 18:42

LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 18:36

You really think he should be away from his newborn child for 10+ days for tennis?

It's obvious from your replies that her 18th trip is a huge stumbling block for you.

She will know the trip was to be with her Dad because you'll have to change the flights etc...

If only you'd been able to see the long term benefits to the future dynamic of your partner and his daughter and not just your own, life would have been much simpler.

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FatimaWhippedRed · 12/01/2024 18:45

LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 18:41

I think it’s absurd that you are all suggesting he go away for 10 days for tennis when his DD won’t need to know he was ever planing to go.
My parents aren’t fit to help and I have no siblings, I’d literally be left with a newborn alone for over a week for tennis?? Absolutely not.
We will do a meal the night before, a party the day off, lots of lovely gifts and he can take her to the pub for her first legal drink. That’s plenty.

This just shows your feelings on it now OP. Not sure why you asked here at all when you clearly think you're more important than his DD. Lots of people cope with a newborn on their own. Single parents do it every single day for years. 10 days will be ok.

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LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 18:46

The trip is pointless discussing my partner has said he won’t go and leave me alone with a newborn. The US open will happen again and again he can’t take her another year, we will only have a newborn once!!!
He birthday will be celebrated, her going to uni will be celebrated, her A-Levels will be celebrated. Our baby matters too and sorry but so do I!!
Late in pregnancy he will be in London with her for Wimbledon, then parties with a newborn and then taking her to uni wherever that may be.
She won’t be forgotten but neither should we!

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Pookerrod · 12/01/2024 18:46

LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 18:41

I think it’s absurd that you are all suggesting he go away for 10 days for tennis when his DD won’t need to know he was ever planing to go.
My parents aren’t fit to help and I have no siblings, I’d literally be left with a newborn alone for over a week for tennis?? Absolutely not.
We will do a meal the night before, a party the day off, lots of lovely gifts and he can take her to the pub for her first legal drink. That’s plenty.

It’s got nothing to do with tennis, I don’t know why you keep referencing the tennis. It’s a trip just the 2 of them for her 18th birthday given she won’t have her mum.

So yes, he should still go. You will be fine all alone with a newborn. It’s just a lot of feeding, cuddling and sleeping in the first few weeks anyway.

I honestly think that your DH will probably be much more excited about the timing of the baby and telling his DD if you let this trip happen. He probably feels quite emotional about her leaving and going away to uni. You’ll understand in 18 years time when your little one is preparing to leave.

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