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AIBU?

Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

821 replies

LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 15:19

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

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MildredCurry · 12/01/2024 17:08

So what would have been ideal? Getting pregnant and disrupting final year of exams? Birthday? Uni move?

Agree with those who say timing is never ideal.

I think he needs to go on the trip. She comes first. She still needs him. You're a grownup and you'll cope. Throw money and resources at it. Doula, nanny, family. Think of all women who have to manage.

It's interesting shes so neat and trouble free at home. You say yourself "not like other teenagers". That might not be a good thing, given what shes gone through. What's stored deep?

Worth considering.

Are you upset that this is impacting on your step daughter? Or are you simply annoyed with your partner?

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Secondstart1001 · 12/01/2024 17:11

I really feel for you as this should be a happy time for you both. Hopefully once he tells her his worries should subside and he can feel that excitement too. His daughter sounds reasonable and very well balanced … have you both every mentioned starting a family in front of her so it won’t come as such a shock. Hopefully she will feel excitement too ., with children there is always an element of jealousy whether her birth mother or you are expecting there are these emotions that come natural .. my older daughter is still upset she’s not. Only child after a 5 year gap but that is life! Larger family means more love and joy and father and child have been through heartbreak and it’s time to have happiness. I wish you all very well xx

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RunningGearOn · 12/01/2024 17:12

I suspect you DP would feel happier about the baby and telling DD if he knew he'd also get to go on the NY trip with her. If at all possible with your due date I think you should encourage him to go. I assume it's just a short break rather than a fortnight? I'd say if the baby is at least a week old he should go. Friends and family can step in to help you for a few days. Yes it's not ideal but I would go with it for the safeguarding of everyone in the family's feelings.

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Avacardo2023 · 12/01/2024 17:12

He must still take his DD on that trip to the US Open. She will be leaving for uni and you and the baby will have his undivided attention. But he needs to go on this promised trip.

Let's face it, deep down he probably doesn't want a baby - he's 46 with a nearly adult child so is likely agreeing just for you. You should really consider getting married to protect yourself.

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PoinsettiaLives · 12/01/2024 17:16

There’s no ideal time.

That said, I think I’d have been fine with my DH doing 3-4 days in NYC. Does he absolutely have to cancel? (Obviously he would have to cancel if things were more complicated but he could make that decision down the line.)

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Nonomono · 12/01/2024 17:17

LaurieStrode · 12/01/2024 17:01

People give birth all the time when the bio-fathers are deployed, working away, in prison or otherwise unavailable. It's not that big a deal; the baby won't know one way or other other if its father is there.

This girl has lost her mother at a very young age, then had to adapt to her father moving a girlfriend in rather quickly, and now this. It would be massively insensitive to cancel her birthday trip or send a teenager off to New York alone with another teen FFS, regardless of the timing of the pregnancy and birth.

If one takes up with a man who already has children, one has to accept that one won't always take first place. Start working now on contingency plans for other people to stay with/help when the child is born. A few days apart isn't going to be fatal. The poor girl already has suffered enough.

I completely agree.

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Feelinadequate23 · 12/01/2024 17:19

@gardenfoundry in some ways it's worse, as the DD can't up and leave to go and stay/celebrate with her mum. Her dad is all she has and it's his obligation to put her first.

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uncomfortablydumb53 · 12/01/2024 17:24

Babies are unpredictable and are not often born on their due date so I think DH should go on his planned trip with DD
She will be feeling the loss of her DM and possibly unsettled about going to Uni which is a big event
Do you have family/ friends nearby?
I would plan someone else as a birth partner and someone to give you a hand afterwards
How long is the trip?

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StillStuckInTheShed · 12/01/2024 17:27

adriftinadenofvipers · 12/01/2024 16:05

Well maybe he should have thought of that before you got pregnant. No sympathy for him. He's just going to have to bite the bullet and be honest with his daughter. She'll be more upset that she hasn't been told I'd imagine.

She should have her trip too - maybe make it a pre-Christmas shopping trip - all the Christmas lights etc.

It's equally the OP too though...

She says in the OP, they expecting getting pregnant to take a while as she's well into her 30's which as her first mistake... just because it CAN be more difficult to conceive in the later 30's doesn't necessarily mean it will be. It's down to the reproductive health of both parties involved. Its not his fault entirely, she also said she wanted to come off contraception.

As for the trip with his DD. The poor girl lost her mother. Her 18th is going to be especially emotionally charged. She has these plans she's looking forward too with her father, she deserves this time with her father. That shouldn't be denied. She doesn't even know about the baby yet and at 17 it's going to be a huge shocker.

She's going to cycle through tons of emotions when she finds out before she gets to acceptance. It's not as easy as you make it out to be.

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HollyJollyHolidays · 12/01/2024 17:29

WagWoofWalkMeeoow · 12/01/2024 15:36

@LouLouPat I'm sorry he's spoiling this for you. If he was SO concerned about the timing he could have used condoms couldn't he!

when he says it again, tell him you'll terminate then, see what his reaction is.
that might clear a few things up.

when he realises that is NOT going to happen, just tell him DSD can still have a huge fuss made over her, that any other time is likely to be 'not ideal' either. Ask if he actually wants this baby or not?!?!

He needs to get on board. Get DSD told before she puts 2+2 together & is hurt she wasn't told. And before he completely ruins your pregnancy.

This is such horribly manipulative and immature advice.

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Janch13 · 12/01/2024 17:30

I think he is just feeling a bit guilty and pinning his emotions on the timing, probably dreading telling his daughter as although it’s lovely news, it’s probably a bit bittersweet for her and him, as it’s the end of their little family and the start of his/their new family including you & the new baby. The timing is not ideal for anyone, not many people plan an August baby (youngest in the school year!) but your baby could come early or late, and I’m sure the daughter will be delighted to welcome a lovely new baby. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy x

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Lightermoon · 12/01/2024 17:33

I think the best thing would be to tell her sooner rather than later.
I think he should go on the trip with his daughter but move the date back a few months, if possible. I understand how he is feeling she is his baby too. She will be about to make some huge changes and the baby will come along as these happen. Take one day at a time hopefully it will be fine.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 12/01/2024 17:34

Normally a partner should be there if physically possible. However, under these circumstances, I would try to make it work so that he can go on the trip. I lost a parent as a teen. It’s hard and this would be a fantastic gift to her.

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ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 12/01/2024 17:38

Mumsnet is fascinating at times.
One poster will say that if a MIL isn't allowed to be there to watch the baby crowning then their bond will be wrecked forever and it will all be the stupid, selfish mothers fault.
Another poster will say it's essential that a dad leave his potentially week old baby and partner in who knows what post natal state in order to take his adult child on holiday that she didn't even know she might be going on, and it's fine for the baby and mother to be left as other people have it worse.
The mind truly does boggle.

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Blondebutnotlegally · 12/01/2024 17:38

WagWoofWalkMeeoow · 12/01/2024 15:36

@LouLouPat I'm sorry he's spoiling this for you. If he was SO concerned about the timing he could have used condoms couldn't he!

when he says it again, tell him you'll terminate then, see what his reaction is.
that might clear a few things up.

when he realises that is NOT going to happen, just tell him DSD can still have a huge fuss made over her, that any other time is likely to be 'not ideal' either. Ask if he actually wants this baby or not?!?!

He needs to get on board. Get DSD told before she puts 2+2 together & is hurt she wasn't told. And before he completely ruins your pregnancy.

That's a fucked reply

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Cockapoo1211 · 12/01/2024 17:39

Feelinadequate23 · 12/01/2024 16:17

Know I'll be flamed for this, but honestly what is with ridiculous people like this, creating completely unnecessary and complicated blended families! what on earth does a man with an 18 year old DD want with a newborn baby?! It will be right back to the beginning for him, just as he's getting his freedom back. And poor DD being sidelined at such an important stage in her life (not to mention the embarrassment).

Seriously, women, don't go for men who already have kids if you want kids of your own! And parents, you really don't need to have kids with a new partner if you have kids already! totally unnecessary and just screws things up for everyone around you. We have similar in our family - everyone involved is "lovely" but the kids are still screwed up by it and still in counselling now as adults. It honestly never ends well for the children from the "first" family.

From my experience it’s children from the second who suffer and get overlooked.

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Muchof · 12/01/2024 17:40

Lightermoon · 12/01/2024 17:33

I think the best thing would be to tell her sooner rather than later.
I think he should go on the trip with his daughter but move the date back a few months, if possible. I understand how he is feeling she is his baby too. She will be about to make some huge changes and the baby will come along as these happen. Take one day at a time hopefully it will be fine.

The US Open is fixed dates and it fits perfectly with her 18th birthday and before heading off to university. I think he needs to go ahead with this trip and not send her on her way with a friend with tickets just after the new baby has arrived seems very dismissive.

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NewYear24 · 12/01/2024 17:41

From my experience it’s children from the second who suffer and get overlooked

I have found the opposite to be true.

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Bluetrews25 · 12/01/2024 17:41

Congratulations! Hope you are physically feeling ok.

Please tell this lovely-sounding young lady that she will be gaining a sibling.
And tell her before you tell anyone else. Do it soon, even before any scans. Don't lie by omission. Not telling her sends a message that she's not close. And she should be (she is, by the sound of it)

Apologise about the timing.

Tell her about the trip (if you want) and say that you will all make it work somehow.

I hope hope hope she will be happy about it all after the initial surprise.

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Cockapoo1211 · 12/01/2024 17:42

NewYear24 · 12/01/2024 17:41

From my experience it’s children from the second who suffer and get overlooked

I have found the opposite to be true.

Could always head over to the step parent board to look at the extreme lengths Disney parents to ensure the first family are prioritised .

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StillStuckInTheShed · 12/01/2024 17:42

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 12/01/2024 17:38

Mumsnet is fascinating at times.
One poster will say that if a MIL isn't allowed to be there to watch the baby crowning then their bond will be wrecked forever and it will all be the stupid, selfish mothers fault.
Another poster will say it's essential that a dad leave his potentially week old baby and partner in who knows what post natal state in order to take his adult child on holiday that she didn't even know she might be going on, and it's fine for the baby and mother to be left as other people have it worse.
The mind truly does boggle.

A just turned 18 years old who lost her own mother and is now watching her dad start his new family.

18 may be the time society says we are adults but our brains do not mature until 22-25. Her thought process in response to this will not be that of an adult.

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ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 12/01/2024 17:46

StillStuckInTheShed · 12/01/2024 17:42

A just turned 18 years old who lost her own mother and is now watching her dad start his new family.

18 may be the time society says we are adults but our brains do not mature until 22-25. Her thought process in response to this will not be that of an adult.

Of course not, but why put her in a position to respond to it at all?
The sensible thing to do would be to stick a pin in the idea for a year and not mention the trip this year. Make as big a fuss on home soil as would have been planned if the baby wasn't a factor. The trip is not essential to making the DSD feel loved on her birthday.

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Redcar78 · 12/01/2024 17:50

User13579367337 · 12/01/2024 15:35

He 100% should not cancel this trip with his daughter

It's important but doesn't trump the birth of a new baby. There's no way OPs DH should travel to NY just before his wife is due to give birth!

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LuckySantangelo35 · 12/01/2024 17:51

RunningGearOn · 12/01/2024 17:12

I suspect you DP would feel happier about the baby and telling DD if he knew he'd also get to go on the NY trip with her. If at all possible with your due date I think you should encourage him to go. I assume it's just a short break rather than a fortnight? I'd say if the baby is at least a week old he should go. Friends and family can step in to help you for a few days. Yes it's not ideal but I would go with it for the safeguarding of everyone in the family's feelings.

@RunningGearOn

everyone's feelings except OP’s I think you mean

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StillStuckInTheShed · 12/01/2024 17:55

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 12/01/2024 17:46

Of course not, but why put her in a position to respond to it at all?
The sensible thing to do would be to stick a pin in the idea for a year and not mention the trip this year. Make as big a fuss on home soil as would have been planned if the baby wasn't a factor. The trip is not essential to making the DSD feel loved on her birthday.

She's going to have to respond to it anyway. She has no say in the matter, its happening. Not essential, I'll give you that, but it's something she apparently loves and she shares that passion with her father. Imagine so many years down the line she discovers her father planned to take her to this event but canceled and 'celebrated on home soil' because her sibling had been born.

For OP of course her and her baby will be the priority. He has DD to think of too. No matter how old your children are they will always be your babies!

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