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AIBU?

Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

821 replies

LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 15:19

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

940 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
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Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 12/01/2024 17:55

Timings not great for him, well too bad! Dd will probably be really excited and love her new sibling. I get he wants dds 18th to be special and all about her but thems the breaks!!!
This time next year...........😊

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Namerequired · 12/01/2024 17:56

OhmygodDont · 12/01/2024 16:13

Or she could see it as being replaced literally the second she moves out…

That wouldn’t change a month or 2 later when she’s moved out to uni and is missing home and imagining their wee family without her. Or when her first uni exams come up, or when she graduates, or when she gets engaged, married, has a child herself etc etc.
There is going to be no perfect time. Her mum will still be gone and she has to deal with that for life. There’s always going to be moments where it will feel worse, sometimes even unbearable. I know this having lost my mum as a child. Life goes on! It seems wrong at times that it does but that’s reality.
Just tell her op and include her. Tell her positively but allow for her having mixed emotions. She’s going to have a sibling!

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StillStuckInTheShed · 12/01/2024 17:56

Redcar78 · 12/01/2024 17:50

It's important but doesn't trump the birth of a new baby. There's no way OPs DH should travel to NY just before his wife is due to give birth!

Edited

She would've had the baby by then

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LaurieStrode · 12/01/2024 17:59

Redcar78 · 12/01/2024 17:50

It's important but doesn't trump the birth of a new baby. There's no way OPs DH should travel to NY just before his wife is due to give birth!

Edited

The baby will not be cognizent; it could be King Charles or Elton John in the delivery room for all it knows! And the OP knew she was reproducing with a man who already had a vulnerable, motherless teen. Surely like millions and millions of women before her, she can take a chance on giving birth without her partner (he's not her husband) by her side? For the sake of the teenager?

Of course the feelings of the aware, existing child trump the birth of the new one. How anyone can think otherwise is beyond me.

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Zanatdy · 12/01/2024 17:59

It’s hard when you’ve got an older child from another relationship, I can understand his anxiety but it does sound like she will be fine about it

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EmpressSoleil · 12/01/2024 17:59

I also think he should go on the trip. He has (soon will) 2 children and he has plenty of time to bond with the second. The first shouldn't be pushed aside because of the 2nd.

Plenty of people give birth and do the newborn stage alone for all sorts of reasons. He's going to be gone for what, a few days? You will cope. Knowing she isn't going to be pushed out will make his DD warm to the baby much sooner I think. Let her enjoy being with her dad on her 18th. She will treasure that forever.

To me you accept these things if you become involved with someone with a child. Hence why I wouldn't! But you did so I think you need to be a little self sacrificing here.

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DC1888 · 12/01/2024 18:00

Tinkerbyebye · 12/01/2024 15:57

I still don’t see what he shouldn’t go? So the baby will be 3 weeks could someone come and stay with you if you don’t want to be on your own?

Concur with this.

Three weeks is plenty of space between the birth and the trip surely?

He should definitely go with her. The timing is also not that bad (dare I say it its quite fortunate even) in that it would only reinforce to the newly 18 year old how much she means to her dad despite a new baby being on the scene. He wouldn't be neglecting OP or the baby either as three weeks is more than enough time to have elapsed to ensure that everything is ok and settled with the little one and OP. If the birth and the trip was the same week then sure, that would be an issue, no way he could leave, but the gap between the two events I think is sufficient to meet the demand of both.

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Redcar78 · 12/01/2024 18:05

LaurieStrode · 12/01/2024 17:59

The baby will not be cognizent; it could be King Charles or Elton John in the delivery room for all it knows! And the OP knew she was reproducing with a man who already had a vulnerable, motherless teen. Surely like millions and millions of women before her, she can take a chance on giving birth without her partner (he's not her husband) by her side? For the sake of the teenager?

Of course the feelings of the aware, existing child trump the birth of the new one. How anyone can think otherwise is beyond me.

This is an incredibly ignorant reply. I was unconscious for around 3 days after giving birth and nearly died, there was no-one else to care for our newborn baby. Childbirth is very dangerous for women, I am astounded you would feel it appropriate for OPs DH to attend a fucking tennis match thousands of miles away 🤷‍♀️

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Redcar78 · 12/01/2024 18:05

StillStuckInTheShed · 12/01/2024 17:56

She would've had the baby by then

Oh that's ok then 🤦

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Fifteenth · 12/01/2024 18:07

Cockapoo1211 · 12/01/2024 17:42

Could always head over to the step parent board to look at the extreme lengths Disney parents to ensure the first family are prioritised .

I thought “Disney parent” meant keeping the first children short of money for every day life but taking them on expensive holidays which the caring parent can’t afford.

Thats normally associated with the second family having a higher standard of living and more day to day care.

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LaurieStrode · 12/01/2024 18:10

Redcar78 · 12/01/2024 18:05

This is an incredibly ignorant reply. I was unconscious for around 3 days after giving birth and nearly died, there was no-one else to care for our newborn baby. Childbirth is very dangerous for women, I am astounded you would feel it appropriate for OPs DH to attend a fucking tennis match thousands of miles away 🤷‍♀️

Well, the OP has nine months to line up other people to be with her in case of emergency, and in any event has said the US Open is likely to take place weeks after the expected birth. The feelings of the existing person, the teen daughter, trump everything else. Those are the breaks when you hook up with someone who's already a parent.

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ManchesterLu · 12/01/2024 18:12

He had sex with you 9 months before his daughter was starting uni, knowing you were off the pill, and knowing you were trying for a baby, so IMO he has no right to be funny about it now.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 12/01/2024 18:13

LaurieStrode · 12/01/2024 18:10

Well, the OP has nine months to line up other people to be with her in case of emergency, and in any event has said the US Open is likely to take place weeks after the expected birth. The feelings of the existing person, the teen daughter, trump everything else. Those are the breaks when you hook up with someone who's already a parent.

@LaurieStrode

op is a person too. Her feelings also count. She doesn’t have to be a martyr just cos she’s a stepmother

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Marcjacobs · 12/01/2024 18:14

OP firstly congrats 😍

I really don’t see any red flags about yours husband here.

Her mother died and he will feel that responsibility to step up and make his daughter feel special on her 18th probably as his wife would have wanted.

For perspective my husband is a real family man and I have two DSC and he says sometimes he feels pressure because he tries to please everyone. Me, DSC1, DSC2!

I think in a stepfamily things generally speaking can be a bit different to a nuclear family as in a nuclear family Mum and Dad have equal interest in the kids and so they don’t have to compromise whereas in stepfamilies there is a level of compromise eg your situation.

I think this is a case of that and I don’t get any vibe of he doesn’t want the baby or isn’t excited.

You and your DH sound like lovely people as does your DSD so I am sure you’ll raise a lovely child. Happy for you all.

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StillStuckInTheShed · 12/01/2024 18:14

Redcar78 · 12/01/2024 18:05

Oh that's ok then 🤦

Oh Jesus.

She would be able to cope for a few days..

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fitzwilliamdarcy · 12/01/2024 18:15

I feel for the 18 year old, who by the sounds of it has perhaps had to grow up fast because of losing a parent and her dad finding a new girlfriend.

The 18th is such an important and special milestone. She’s lost her mum and now the focus of that occasion will be gone because of a new baby in the household.

Everyone saying she’ll have to suck it up because it’s all about the baby - you’re far colder than I could be. Blended families are a sore spot for me and this thread makes it really clear why - they’re never in the best interests of the children, it’s always just about what the adults want.

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canttellyouwhereorwhatido · 12/01/2024 18:15

L*ouLouPat

Not sure why any of this is relevant.
I’ve never owned a house, I earn less and we don’t want to get married, both been there done that.
*
Then you are (and I really do mean this kindly as you are already pregnant) a complete idiot if you see marriage as a romance thing rather than a legal contract. !!!

Have you not read the GAZILLION threads on here about your legal rights ???

If he earns a LOT more then I really hope it's 'on the books' ie PAYE rather than minimum wage and dividends (the norm for business owners) ..

Because IT IS IMPORTANT O MATTER WHAT YOU THINK .

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VampireWeekday · 12/01/2024 18:16

Feelinadequate23 · 12/01/2024 16:17

Know I'll be flamed for this, but honestly what is with ridiculous people like this, creating completely unnecessary and complicated blended families! what on earth does a man with an 18 year old DD want with a newborn baby?! It will be right back to the beginning for him, just as he's getting his freedom back. And poor DD being sidelined at such an important stage in her life (not to mention the embarrassment).

Seriously, women, don't go for men who already have kids if you want kids of your own! And parents, you really don't need to have kids with a new partner if you have kids already! totally unnecessary and just screws things up for everyone around you. We have similar in our family - everyone involved is "lovely" but the kids are still screwed up by it and still in counselling now as adults. It honestly never ends well for the children from the "first" family.

His wife died, have some compassion! Although yes ideally he would have chosen someone who didn't want babies.

Op he should still do the trip. She will be all grown up before he knows it, this trip will be so special for them.

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StillStuckInTheShed · 12/01/2024 18:17

Redcar78 · 12/01/2024 18:05

This is an incredibly ignorant reply. I was unconscious for around 3 days after giving birth and nearly died, there was no-one else to care for our newborn baby. Childbirth is very dangerous for women, I am astounded you would feel it appropriate for OPs DH to attend a fucking tennis match thousands of miles away 🤷‍♀️

Also. 3 days is significantly less than three weeks. And that happened to you. Its not every woman's experience.

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Pookerrod · 12/01/2024 18:24

I’m another one who’s saying that I think the key to this is to encourage him to still go on the NYC trip with her. I think that would solve all these problems and you’ll manage fine for a few days with a newborn.

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Anneta · 12/01/2024 18:24

I was in a similar situation many years ago, except I had been married for ten years and my teenaged step daughter lived with us. She did not react well to the news of a new baby, stormed out slamming the door and did not want to discuss the situation. At thirty weeks I had pre eclampsia and had to stay in hospital for six weeks until baby was born. He was 5lb 3oz. My stepdaughter visited the hospital and she loved him from day one. She is now mid fifties and has been such a wonderful sister to him.

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CuttingAllTheFlowersStill · 12/01/2024 18:25

I can see why he is worried- it is such a crucial year for 18 year olds. But I think the timing could work out to be good. It won't impact her revision, she will get to meet her new sibling while still living at home and will hopefully be looking forward to seeing him/her when she finishes her first term at uni. However if at all possible- I would encourage your partner to still take her on her trip - especially if it is is only a few days. It would be a demonstration to her that she is not being replaced/still important to her Dad. I think you could manage for a few days (with help!). And I would try and tell her sooner rather than later so she is still involved - and if upset initially- has a bit of time to get used to the idea before her exams. And you can enjoy including her with the pregnancy.

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TheAlchemistElixa · 12/01/2024 18:26

WagWoofWalkMeeoow · 12/01/2024 15:36

@LouLouPat I'm sorry he's spoiling this for you. If he was SO concerned about the timing he could have used condoms couldn't he!

when he says it again, tell him you'll terminate then, see what his reaction is.
that might clear a few things up.

when he realises that is NOT going to happen, just tell him DSD can still have a huge fuss made over her, that any other time is likely to be 'not ideal' either. Ask if he actually wants this baby or not?!?!

He needs to get on board. Get DSD told before she puts 2+2 together & is hurt she wasn't told. And before he completely ruins your pregnancy.

Wow!! OP please don’t do any of this. Awful, overly-dramatic and actually quite aggressively manipulative advice. I had to read it twice to see if it was actually a bad joke! It seems not.

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LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 18:28

The trip can’t just be rescheduled, it’s the US open with fixed dates. He has spent thousands on tickets, including the semi finals, then I’m not sure if he has or is planning to sort grounds tickets too as some of her favourite players are unlikely to make it to the big stadium matches.
I’m due around the 10th of August, they would leave for the trip on the 26th, they have semi final tickets for the 5th I believe - that’s well over a week, then back after that.
She doesn’t know about the trip, doesn’t need to know he was ever planing on taking her. Just be a gift for her and a friend (all costs covered including hotel and spending) or her and her boyfriend. Her birthday is the 24th so we will do a party for her on the day (it’s a Saturday).
If I get to 42 weeks the baby would be days old, and even then it’s a long trip (replacing the normal summer holiday for the year).
He will do several Wimbledon days with her instead which I’m sure she will enjoy just as much, (she actually prefer grass court season anyway). Maybe to make it up he can look at the French open next year as an extra gift?

OP posts:
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Saymyname28 · 12/01/2024 18:29

I'm sure she'll be more than happy getting this holiday with her boyfriend.
He's disappointed for himself that he's missing out.

I think it's a bit shitty on you as though this is your responsibility and you're supposed to feel guilty. If it mattered so much to him that you didn't have a baby due around his daughter birthday then he should have done the math and not started trying until after.

You have nothing to be guilty about, what 18yo is going to be jealous of a baby for christ sake, she's moving on with her own life and flying the nest.

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