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AIBU?

Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

821 replies

LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 15:19

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

940 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
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Justia · 14/01/2024 19:54

Discussed this with DH, explaining the OP’s situation.

After a beaming mischievous smile and sparkling eyes at the thought of a trip to see the US Open (followed by slight disappointment it’s tennis and not golf).

We got to the issue at hand, he responded:

“How old’s the baby, 3 weeks? Just go, it’s all paid for, why wouldn’t you?”

I was relieved my opinion isn’t so barmy afterall, perhaps we are influenced by already being parents, whereas this is OP’s first. But agreed, that unless there was an issue at birth it would be madness to not go… if it were us I’d be delighted to have our older child out of my hair and for them to have a great experience. Meanwhile, I have the confidence to cope with a baby and DH would 100% trust I’d be able to cope.

It’s all about individual circumstances I guess at the end of the day, this wouldn’t be a problem for most, but OP is a first time Mum so perhaps it is the unknown

Again, overall her vulnerability and the dynamic this situation has hinted at (regards to her DP being more invested in DD and reluctant) is more worrying.

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ncforthisthreadonly24 · 14/01/2024 19:56

Just pointing out, as have many, that while she feels so pleased in succeeding to keep him home from he and his daughter's 18th celebrations, that this may bite her in the arse.

Oh. My. God.

"Keeping him home from the celebrations"?? Really?

As if the situation is, DH is going to say to his daughter "oh Sarah, by the way, I'm not celebrating with you AT ALL for your 18th in any way shape or form because you are just not that important to me now my new baby is here. Soz about that. Oh, and it's all OP's doing. She didn't want me to celebrate with you 🤷‍♀️"

I'm actual fact, what will happen is, Dad will present his DD with 2 tickets for the trip of a lifetime on her 18th, which very few other teens of the same age are fortunate enough to get, by the way - and she will presumably be incredibly grateful and excited. And Dad will then likely follow up with, "and you and I can go for a meal of your choice / see a film together/ party together/ do any activity of your choosing together as a means of marking this special birthday as father and daughter, if you like".

If I were Sarah, I'd be thrilled with this.

Who, I ask, is "keeping" who, from what?

Utterly bizarre.

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GreyBlackLove · 14/01/2024 19:57

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 14/01/2024 19:46

You seem to be missing the obvious and completely understandable over compensation by the existing parent following the death of the other parent.

Should DH pass, I have no doubt I would absolutely throw my life at making my children as happy as possible, overly so, because they had suffered such grief. Is it the right thing to do? I don't know. I'd be doing everything to try and make them smile. And there they would be, the little reminders of what was left of the love of my life.

You seem to be mistaking judgment for assessment. Nothing OP says suggests she is very financially stable. The omission of her direct financial information is one thing, but she's written enough to make an informed assessment of the most likely scenario. Which is not ignorant, rude, or nasty. Just most likely.

Personally couldn't give a shit about OP's finances. Just pointing out, as have many, that while she feels so pleased in succeeding to keep him home from he and his daughter's 18th celebrations, that this may bite her in the arse. And she doesn't appear to be in a very secure position should this happen.

As PP said, proverbially won the battle, lost the war.

I'm not in the slightest, just not letting that colour my view in terms of the reality of what is being gifted and what the OP is asking.

The OP said that her partner himself said he wouldn't go, and was understandably sad about missing out on something he was looking forward to. There is no suggestion in any of her posts that she is keeping him home or feels delighted about it.

You repeatedly fail to recognise that your comments on her finances weren't asked for, aren't relevant to the thread and are poorly informed. In subsequent posts you have simply invented things. This was never about a bigger picture, it was a chance to pick at a woman who asked for advice in sharing big news with an 18 year she thinks highly of.

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WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 14/01/2024 19:59

There is no suggestion in any of her posts that she is keeping him home or feels delighted about it.

You're reading a very different thread to many of us then.

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GreyBlackLove · 14/01/2024 20:00

Yes, as I have noted repeatedly I actually read the OPs posts and have not invented my own version of events. That would explain it.

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oakleaffy · 14/01/2024 20:00

The 17 yr old will be doubtless shocked at the news.

It would take a very unusual teenager in this circumstance to be 'pleased', at least at first hearing.


She may well feel usurped, like she's no longer part of the family with her dad.

If her Mum was still alive, it wouldn't be so painful.

''Don't worry darling, we aren't replacing you!''

It undoubtedly will bring up complex emotions for her.

It will be weird having such a young sibling.

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Justia · 14/01/2024 20:01

ncforthisthreadonly24 · 14/01/2024 19:56

Just pointing out, as have many, that while she feels so pleased in succeeding to keep him home from he and his daughter's 18th celebrations, that this may bite her in the arse.

Oh. My. God.

"Keeping him home from the celebrations"?? Really?

As if the situation is, DH is going to say to his daughter "oh Sarah, by the way, I'm not celebrating with you AT ALL for your 18th in any way shape or form because you are just not that important to me now my new baby is here. Soz about that. Oh, and it's all OP's doing. She didn't want me to celebrate with you 🤷‍♀️"

I'm actual fact, what will happen is, Dad will present his DD with 2 tickets for the trip of a lifetime on her 18th, which very few other teens of the same age are fortunate enough to get, by the way - and she will presumably be incredibly grateful and excited. And Dad will then likely follow up with, "and you and I can go for a meal of your choice / see a film together/ party together/ do any activity of your choosing together as a means of marking this special birthday as father and daughter, if you like".

If I were Sarah, I'd be thrilled with this.

Who, I ask, is "keeping" who, from what?

Utterly bizarre.

@ncforthisthreadonly24

It really depends what the history relative to hypothetical Sarah is.

If the DD is a massive tennis fan, shares this interest and potentially hobby with her Dad and may have done with her Mum too, then this would be a pretty big thing.

If Sarah alone is the tennis fan and there is no background relative to her parents in terms of shared interest then you are probably right and she’ll not mind Dad being there.

However, OP has indicated that Dad minds missing out on this.

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Justia · 14/01/2024 20:04

Judging on the response of my DH to this scenario he would be really put out at a request to stay too.

And I have probably given him ideas now 😂😂 ✈️ ⛳️

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GreyBlackLove · 14/01/2024 20:05

oakleaffy · 14/01/2024 20:00

The 17 yr old will be doubtless shocked at the news.

It would take a very unusual teenager in this circumstance to be 'pleased', at least at first hearing.


She may well feel usurped, like she's no longer part of the family with her dad.

If her Mum was still alive, it wouldn't be so painful.

''Don't worry darling, we aren't replacing you!''

It undoubtedly will bring up complex emotions for her.

It will be weird having such a young sibling.

I agree. If it were me I'd want DP to tell his daughter separately so she has a chance to process and ask questions, and be reassured.

Then, all going well, consider ways to ensure she feels involved in the pregnancy. Basically give her space but balance that with being included.

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ncforthisthreadonly24 · 14/01/2024 20:06

Justia · 14/01/2024 19:54

Discussed this with DH, explaining the OP’s situation.

After a beaming mischievous smile and sparkling eyes at the thought of a trip to see the US Open (followed by slight disappointment it’s tennis and not golf).

We got to the issue at hand, he responded:

“How old’s the baby, 3 weeks? Just go, it’s all paid for, why wouldn’t you?”

I was relieved my opinion isn’t so barmy afterall, perhaps we are influenced by already being parents, whereas this is OP’s first. But agreed, that unless there was an issue at birth it would be madness to not go… if it were us I’d be delighted to have our older child out of my hair and for them to have a great experience. Meanwhile, I have the confidence to cope with a baby and DH would 100% trust I’d be able to cope.

It’s all about individual circumstances I guess at the end of the day, this wouldn’t be a problem for most, but OP is a first time Mum so perhaps it is the unknown

Again, overall her vulnerability and the dynamic this situation has hinted at (regards to her DP being more invested in DD and reluctant) is more worrying.

Interestingly, I also just asked my 17 year old daughter hypothetically what she'd prefer for her 18th later this year - a trip away with me or for me to pay for a trip away with either her best friend or boyfriend.

Her genuine answer was: "I'll be honest i'd choose to take either (best friend's name) or (boyfriend's name), but I'd definitely want to celebrate with you when I got back as well." She added that she'd want to "drink and stuff" out there and wouldn't feel as comfortable getting drunk with me every night as she would with a friend / her boyfriend. Then quickly added "no offence mum" 😂

Anyway.... she's a 17 year old girl, so she's probably more in tune with what they like to do at that age, I imagine.

Just an alternative viewpoint, isn't it.

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ncforthisthreadonly24 · 14/01/2024 20:07

Also, I'm now worried she's expecting a trip away for her own 18th and I cannot afford this 🤦🏼‍♀️😂😂

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Caerulea · 14/01/2024 20:09

188

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ncforthisthreadonly24 · 14/01/2024 20:10

Caerulea · 14/01/2024 20:09

188

😂😂😂

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WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 14/01/2024 20:14

GreyBlackLove · 14/01/2024 20:00

Yes, as I have noted repeatedly I actually read the OPs posts and have not invented my own version of events. That would explain it.

That must be it Smile

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GreyBlackLove · 14/01/2024 20:16

Well thank god we found something to agree on in the end

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Caerulea · 14/01/2024 20:17

@ncforthisthreadonly24 Every little helps ;)

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Justia · 14/01/2024 20:18

ncforthisthreadonly24 · 14/01/2024 20:06

Interestingly, I also just asked my 17 year old daughter hypothetically what she'd prefer for her 18th later this year - a trip away with me or for me to pay for a trip away with either her best friend or boyfriend.

Her genuine answer was: "I'll be honest i'd choose to take either (best friend's name) or (boyfriend's name), but I'd definitely want to celebrate with you when I got back as well." She added that she'd want to "drink and stuff" out there and wouldn't feel as comfortable getting drunk with me every night as she would with a friend / her boyfriend. Then quickly added "no offence mum" 😂

Anyway.... she's a 17 year old girl, so she's probably more in tune with what they like to do at that age, I imagine.

Just an alternative viewpoint, isn't it.

@ncforthisthreadonly24

Yeah, there some strongly held views on this thread, no matter how impassioned we all may feel it’s someone else’s life and personal capabilities and family dynamics can differ quite substantially.

I think as long as they tell DD asap and give her love and support it will work out. It’s a tricky situation though.

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Justia · 14/01/2024 20:19

ncforthisthreadonly24 · 14/01/2024 20:07

Also, I'm now worried she's expecting a trip away for her own 18th and I cannot afford this 🤦🏼‍♀️😂😂

😂😂

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Avacardo2023 · 14/01/2024 20:19

ncforthisthreadonly24 · 14/01/2024 20:07

Also, I'm now worried she's expecting a trip away for her own 18th and I cannot afford this 🤦🏼‍♀️😂😂

I think your DD's answer would be different if you both shared a passion for tennis and had attended matches together over the years and it was a trip to the US Open. It's not really the same as any old trip as you would want to to go with someone who would really enjoy it. I don't think there are many teens who are big tennis fans.

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Tandora · 14/01/2024 21:02

Commonsense22 · 14/01/2024 18:25

This thread is absolutely bonkers. OP, congratulations on your pregnancy. People are giving you a stupidly hard time for no good reason at all.

Your partner is fully responsible for the timing issue, however most of us know men who are not exactly the best forward planners.

What I don't understand at all is why he doesn't just speak with this daughter. The situation could wind up hurtful for her, yes, but only if he doesn't have the tough conversation.

It seems like a simple conversation like "there's something both amazing and complicated I need to tell you... I feel completely gutted about the timing as your birthday. and trip were incredibly important for me... In the circumstances, with the best of intentions, if we go together my mind will be elsewhere... sorry again but how can I make it up to you? " I'm pretty sure the daughter would be fine especially with the option of going with her boyfriend.

He has equal responsibility towards his daughter and towards you and the new baby. I absolutely agree that if there's just one time in a woman's life when her needs should trump absolutely everyone else's, it's the time around giving birth.
However bad it's for his daughter that he has to give up the trip, it would be a trillion times worse for him to leave you there. It sounds like he has, actually, made the right decision.

It doesn't mean it's easy for him and this has reflected in his reaction towards you. It's a shame you're in that position and your DH sounds like the one who should grow up, but I hope for you that getting closer to the date he'll be happy and seeing his daughter happy for your both will be the icing on the cake.
My only recommendation would be to tell her as soon as possible, even if you would normally want to hold on to the news a bit longer, in this circumstance it's the right thing to let her know straight away and before anyone else.

In the circumstances, with the best of intentions, if we go together my mind will be elsewhere

omg do not say this 😱. This would be one of the worst things he could say. The saving grace of this situation is that DSD doesn’t know that the trip was intended for her and her Dad, and being 18 she’ll probably be delighted to go with her boyfriend anyway.

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adriftinadenofvipers · 19/01/2024 16:36

@LouLouPat has your partner told his daughter yet? Is he feeling more positive about your pregnancy now it's had time to sink in?

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