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AIBU?

Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

821 replies

LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 15:19

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

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LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 16:06

adriftinadenofvipers · 12/01/2024 16:05

Well maybe he should have thought of that before you got pregnant. No sympathy for him. He's just going to have to bite the bullet and be honest with his daughter. She'll be more upset that she hasn't been told I'd imagine.

She should have her trip too - maybe make it a pre-Christmas shopping trip - all the Christmas lights etc.

I doubt she’d be interested in a shopping trip, she would probably rather go to the US Open.

OP posts:
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Wheresthefibre · 12/01/2024 16:09

adriftinadenofvipers · 12/01/2024 16:05

Well maybe he should have thought of that before you got pregnant. No sympathy for him. He's just going to have to bite the bullet and be honest with his daughter. She'll be more upset that she hasn't been told I'd imagine.

She should have her trip too - maybe make it a pre-Christmas shopping trip - all the Christmas lights etc.

Well I assume, just like op did that it would take longer. Yes they should have our off TTC. But they didn't and that doesn't mean he can have feelings about it.

People don't often experience their feelings based on a hypothetical situation. It isn't til it happens they have the feeling. People can't always predict it.

Suggesting someone can't have feelings because they didn't know they would have those feelings is unrealistic.

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lunar1 · 12/01/2024 16:11

He's been completely thoughtless not thinking through the timing. Either way, someone is going to lose out, though of course, it won't be him.

His daughter's 18th will be so complicated for her, and now she's going to have to take a back seat when she needs her dad.

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Devilsmommy · 12/01/2024 16:12

In terms of birth being same month as dad, my DH 's first child and our DS togethers birthdays are 3 days apart, it's not a problem and your dad sounds like an intelligent person so probably won't have a hissy fit over it 😂 your DP is most likely worrying about nothing

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Needanewnamebeingwatched · 12/01/2024 16:12

How long is the trip for, I think they should go.

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Pineapplewaves · 12/01/2024 16:12

User13579367337 · 12/01/2024 15:35

He 100% should not cancel this trip with his daughter

Depending on dates, I would agree. Will baby be born before the trip?

I would have managed fine with a newborn baby by myself, all I did for the first three months was sit on the sofa and binge watch box sets while DS slept in my arms and guzzled breast milk.

OP do you have and friends and family who could drop in while your DP is away, usually you can't keep people away the first few weeks so imagine you'd be fine for company?

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Caerulea · 12/01/2024 16:12

There's every chance his daughter will be over the moon! She gets a sibling born the same month as her, she could see it as a lovely distraction from her exams & all that stress.

She could very well see it as the best 18th birthday present she could hope for.

If your relationship with her is good & she's at complete ease with yours & her dad's relationship then there's no reason for the above not to be true.

Can totally understand your partners worries, it's just instinct (and honestly quite touching) but it may well be completely misplaced.

(edit - he should cancel the trip though)

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Devilsmommy · 12/01/2024 16:12

Devilsmommy · 12/01/2024 16:12

In terms of birth being same month as dad, my DH 's first child and our DS togethers birthdays are 3 days apart, it's not a problem and your dad sounds like an intelligent person so probably won't have a hissy fit over it 😂 your DP is most likely worrying about nothing

Dsd that is not dad🙄

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OhmygodDont · 12/01/2024 16:13

Caerulea · 12/01/2024 16:12

There's every chance his daughter will be over the moon! She gets a sibling born the same month as her, she could see it as a lovely distraction from her exams & all that stress.

She could very well see it as the best 18th birthday present she could hope for.

If your relationship with her is good & she's at complete ease with yours & her dad's relationship then there's no reason for the above not to be true.

Can totally understand your partners worries, it's just instinct (and honestly quite touching) but it may well be completely misplaced.

(edit - he should cancel the trip though)

Edited

Or she could see it as being replaced literally the second she moves out…

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tara66 · 12/01/2024 16:14

Remind him how wonderful and lucky he is having baby so soon as he is after all 46 years old and probably will be 47 at birth! He and you of course should be celebrating! Tell him the baby needs him ''as young as possible'' in mind and spirit but will just have to manage with him physically being 47 - in fact everything is about the baby and why not!? That may focus his mind more e.g. ask what preparations is HE making for baby - while also being there for his 17yr. old too of course.

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adriftinadenofvipers · 12/01/2024 16:14

LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 16:06

I doubt she’d be interested in a shopping trip, she would probably rather go to the US Open.

Well that then, whatever she's into!

Just realised when the Open is - which is the issue you have... surely he can get a bit more creative?!

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Caerulea · 12/01/2024 16:15

OhmygodDont · 12/01/2024 16:13

Or she could see it as being replaced literally the second she moves out…

Or she could see it that her dad will have something else to soften the blow of 'losing' her to adulthood? It's all speculation.

Nothing OP has said suggests the daughter is going to lose it over this.

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Wheresthefibre · 12/01/2024 16:15

adriftinadenofvipers · 12/01/2024 16:14

Well that then, whatever she's into!

Just realised when the Open is - which is the issue you have... surely he can get a bit more creative?!

Edited

That's what he was going to do.

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adriftinadenofvipers · 12/01/2024 16:16

Wheresthefibre · 12/01/2024 16:09

Well I assume, just like op did that it would take longer. Yes they should have our off TTC. But they didn't and that doesn't mean he can have feelings about it.

People don't often experience their feelings based on a hypothetical situation. It isn't til it happens they have the feeling. People can't always predict it.

Suggesting someone can't have feelings because they didn't know they would have those feelings is unrealistic.

I think this situation was utterly predictable. When would have been better though? In the middle of her exams? After she'd left for uni?

You should always work on the assumption that if you're not using contraception then it's possible you may become pregnant??

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Feelinadequate23 · 12/01/2024 16:17

Know I'll be flamed for this, but honestly what is with ridiculous people like this, creating completely unnecessary and complicated blended families! what on earth does a man with an 18 year old DD want with a newborn baby?! It will be right back to the beginning for him, just as he's getting his freedom back. And poor DD being sidelined at such an important stage in her life (not to mention the embarrassment).

Seriously, women, don't go for men who already have kids if you want kids of your own! And parents, you really don't need to have kids with a new partner if you have kids already! totally unnecessary and just screws things up for everyone around you. We have similar in our family - everyone involved is "lovely" but the kids are still screwed up by it and still in counselling now as adults. It honestly never ends well for the children from the "first" family.

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adriftinadenofvipers · 12/01/2024 16:19

Wheresthefibre · 12/01/2024 16:15

That's what he was going to do.

Yes, it just dawned on me re the dates.

He needs to go back to the drawing board then!

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ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 12/01/2024 16:20

Surely he has given his DD hints or an idea that you might have a baby in advance? Or will this be an almighty shock?

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Wheresthefibre · 12/01/2024 16:20

adriftinadenofvipers · 12/01/2024 16:16

I think this situation was utterly predictable. When would have been better though? In the middle of her exams? After she'd left for uni?

You should always work on the assumption that if you're not using contraception then it's possible you may become pregnant??

Anytime that didn't mean he wouldn't be able to go a trip that he planned with his daughter for her 18th?

absolutely you should work on that assumption. I didn't ttc until I had been on a holiday I booked so it didn't ruin it.

But Op and her dh didn't. Its OK saying "he should have", he didn't. But its still OK to have feelings.

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ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 12/01/2024 16:21

TheShellBeach · 12/01/2024 16:02

You need the legal protection of marriage (or a civil partnership) if you're the lower earner, for your sake and especially for your baby's sake.

Totally

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Peridot1 · 12/01/2024 16:21

What family support do you have? Or friends? I think he can still do the US Open trip. It’s not until very end of August.

I gave birth to my DS in one country and my DH was working in another. He came over for the birth and was there for first two weeks and then had to go back to the country he was working in. I stayed with my parents. It was for four weeks until baby and I could move to where DH was. He obviously missed DS but it was fine. You will likely only have a few days really that DH and SDD would be away.

can you organise to stay with family or have someone come to stay with you while they are away?

Obviously if you are due towards the latter half of August that is probably not a viable option as you may well go over.

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Silvers11 · 12/01/2024 16:21

@LouLouPat - how long would the trip be to the US open? Does your DSD KNOW that your DH was proposing to take her to the US Open or was it going to be a surprise?

If she already knows about it. I think, bad timing or not, He needs to still take her with your blessing. Otherwise she will resent the baby for ever and ever and I think your DH is correct, she is going to be very upset. I'm sorry you are likely to then be on your own with a very small baby - or worse, still pregnant if the baby is late, but many women, for all sorts of reasons have to cope with a newborn or give birth without their partner there and they manage.

If she doesn't know, then as long as she doesn't find out what was planned, I think that is a different scenario

So would be helpful to know the answer to both of those questions, if you want more focused advice here?

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justteanbiscuits · 12/01/2024 16:22

My advice would be.. tell her ASAP - you really do not want her guessing. You need to treat her as the most important one. tell her tonight!

You can't change when the baby is due. But the rest I would say deal with when you know how she is feeling about it. The trip is months away - it could be that it becomes clear that they need this time together, or it might feel perfect for her to go with her boyfriend. Maybe, once the news has settled in for her, you're showing and have scan pictures etc, you can discuss what she would like. She'll just about to be an adult, and sounds like an amazing young woman who would be able to have her own opinion on it. Tell her the pregnancy happened sooner than you expected, and this is what you had planned - what would SHE like.

But most important right now is to tell her you're pregnant!!

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Elphamouche · 12/01/2024 16:23

He should still go on the trip. It’s her 18th, it’s a big deal, and the timing for her is perfect.

you’ll be fine OP.

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Nonomono · 12/01/2024 16:24

YABU

Even if I planned another child, I would still be concerned about how my eldest would react after being an only child for so long.

I think all parents would feel this way and if you do end up having a second child then you will also understand how it can be worrying about how the first child will react.

I am glad you’ve gotten pregnant sooner rather than later though, simply because of both your ages. I think it would have been silly to have waited any longer and he should bd happy that it happened so fast.

He should not cancel the birthday trip though.
He could try and get better travel insurance asap incase something does go wrong and then he can cancel or she could invite her bf or friend last minute.

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theleafandnotthetree · 12/01/2024 16:27

Feelinadequate23 · 12/01/2024 16:17

Know I'll be flamed for this, but honestly what is with ridiculous people like this, creating completely unnecessary and complicated blended families! what on earth does a man with an 18 year old DD want with a newborn baby?! It will be right back to the beginning for him, just as he's getting his freedom back. And poor DD being sidelined at such an important stage in her life (not to mention the embarrassment).

Seriously, women, don't go for men who already have kids if you want kids of your own! And parents, you really don't need to have kids with a new partner if you have kids already! totally unnecessary and just screws things up for everyone around you. We have similar in our family - everyone involved is "lovely" but the kids are still screwed up by it and still in counselling now as adults. It honestly never ends well for the children from the "first" family.

I'm with you and would never have considered having a second 'set' of children when my marriage ended. But you will probably get hammered for saying so. I think family formation is a one shot deal pretty much, having relationships is a totally different thing. The thought of having had to tell my children I was going to have a child by someone other than their Dad makes me feel a bit ill, they had been through more than enough as far as I was concerned.

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