My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

821 replies

LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 15:19

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

OP posts:
Report

Am I being unreasonable?

940 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
35%
You are NOT being unreasonable
65%
Caerulea · 14/01/2024 17:38

224

Report
Justia · 14/01/2024 17:54

Cockapoo1211 · 14/01/2024 17:31

So the OP is going to ‘lose it all ‘ because the 18 year old might not go away with her dad . Good lord what nonsense. The fact OP is not married is another issue.

I don’t have a Chip on my shoulder . I am highlighting it is unnecessarily derogatory to refer to OP as someone who has only been around for 3 years . Step parent are often viewed with suspicion.
Regarding the baby coming first , I believe it should in this case . There’s plenty of birthdays but only one birth . Far too much has been put on this 18 year olds birthday. The OP even said the girl will likely take it ok .

@Cockapoo1211

The OP is a low earner. She does not have any property or investments in her own name. She does not Co-own any property with her partner. Nor does she have any legal standing to a share of his assets because she is not married.

If they split her lifestyle will be radically eroded and all she is entitled to is child maintenance which isn’t much. And he will have the bare minimum of rights to see his child or have any say in their upbringing which isn’t fair on the baby.

It is diabolically irresponsible to not have some legal protection, be that marriage or an alternative legal document (which is available).

The partner’s first loyalty is to his daughter with whom he has an 18 year relationship with and an understandable attachment to as she is the offspring of his dead wife.

The OP has been on the scene for a short period of time and has no legal standing, her child is not born.

If she continues to push for sidelining of the daughter, and making judgements as to what is “plenty” for her (which she has no right to do because she is not the parent), then gradually she will become alienated from both the partner and daughter. Which puts her at risk of losing it all, because she has absolutely no legal entitlement to anything.

Report
Teder · 14/01/2024 17:56

ncforthisthreadonly24 · 14/01/2024 12:46

I mean. I was mostly indifferent to my two baby half siblings as a teenager (my Dad was widowed when I was young and remarried when I was about 12). I remember thinking ahh they're cute I guess, I'll change the odd nappy and give them a bottle here and there. But that's my lot, I'm bored now, off out with my mates see you later 😂

I'd also lost my mum (at a younger age than OP's DSD), and my Dad has also remarried and had more children.

I had - and still have - precisely zero negative feelings about that. I respect my Dad a lot and would never hold it against him (or my stepmum) that they wanted to have their own children. I had no need to feel that way as I was so loved by my Dad and I knew that, regardless of what other children he chose to have after he tragically lost my mum.

Strangely ,you seem to be absolutely fine with saying you were fine with your dad having further children. Yet, have posted about your negative postpartum experience and how important that is. Can you really not see how you’re not even considering anyone else’s POV?

It’s irrelevant anyway as the partner has said he won’t be going away but he is totally entitled to feel apprehensive and disappointed that he cannot be there for his daughter’s 18th holiday. I think him being there for the birth is absolutely the right thing to do but this thread has been derailed so far off topic with ridiculous posts on both sides.

OP, congrats on your pregnancy. Try to think of it like this - your partner lost his wife and he’s realised he won’t be there for his daughter’s 18th celebration in New York. He’s allowed to feel disappointed as long as he lets it go and it doesn’t drag on. Let him have his emotions. You’ve got another 7 months till the baby is due and I’m sure he’ll have come to his senses by then. So you’re both being a little BU.
My only suggestion is that DSD takes a friend not a boyfriend as relationships are rocky at this age and she may want to look back on the memories with a mate I’d leave that decision up to her.

Report
GreyBlackLove · 14/01/2024 18:06

The OP is a low earner. She does not have any property or investments in her own name. She does not Co-own any property with her partner. Nor does she have any legal standing to a share of his assets because she is not married.

I've read the OPs posts a few times and cannot find where she says she's a low earner, has no investments or has not drawn up any agreement to protect herself or children in the event of a split.

I can only see one post where she says she earns less than him, doesn't own any property and has no interest being married a second time.

Have you advanced searched and found other posts or something?

Report
oakleaffy · 14/01/2024 18:11

ncforthisthreadonly24 · 14/01/2024 14:15

Exactly. Nowhere is this phrase ever used in a way that is free of negative and disparaging connotations.

Imagine if my family and friends had responded to the news of my much planned and wanted pregnancy with my unmarried as partner of 5 years (now almost 9 years), with: "Oh congratulations on becoming knocked up!! That's wonderful news!"

I'd (rightly) be like, wtf? That's fucking rude.

And then (say) my mate went: "oh no, I just used that phrase about your unborn baby because you aren't married to its father! No offence meant I promise".

Yeah. Right. Doesn't quite wash, does it? 🤔

🤣

One can imagine the “ Humorous” greetings cards being printed right now to be sold on Etsy.

CONGRATULATIONS UPON YOUR
KNOCKING UP



Or “ Congratulations upon falling pregnant “

(The term “ Falling” is also very negative.)

I wonder where the “knocked up “
expression came from originally?

Report
Justia · 14/01/2024 18:15

@GreyBlackLove Anyone with a good wage would have bought rather than wasted money on rent.

Low/lower earner it doesn’t matter, she still would be massively losing out on what she and offspring would be due from him in the event of a split or his death.

Unless she has got a proper legal arrangement. Which she hasn’t indicated she has has she? And most don’t because they have a false sense of security.

Report
Cockapoo1211 · 14/01/2024 18:16

Justia · 14/01/2024 17:54

@Cockapoo1211

The OP is a low earner. She does not have any property or investments in her own name. She does not Co-own any property with her partner. Nor does she have any legal standing to a share of his assets because she is not married.

If they split her lifestyle will be radically eroded and all she is entitled to is child maintenance which isn’t much. And he will have the bare minimum of rights to see his child or have any say in their upbringing which isn’t fair on the baby.

It is diabolically irresponsible to not have some legal protection, be that marriage or an alternative legal document (which is available).

The partner’s first loyalty is to his daughter with whom he has an 18 year relationship with and an understandable attachment to as she is the offspring of his dead wife.

The OP has been on the scene for a short period of time and has no legal standing, her child is not born.

If she continues to push for sidelining of the daughter, and making judgements as to what is “plenty” for her (which she has no right to do because she is not the parent), then gradually she will become alienated from both the partner and daughter. Which puts her at risk of losing it all, because she has absolutely no legal entitlement to anything.

Thanks for your explanation. The OPsDP also has ‘loyalty ‘ as you put in it ( very common for a pecking order to be mentioned in these threads ) to his new child . The OP is the mother of said child. If her DP would leave her over something so ridiculous as a holiday / timing of a holiday then I say this is a good thing . She’s better off without , she will find a way forward .

Men in these situations do tend to be very weak . They do tend to pander to their first families . I agree that marriage is a good idea when having a child . The DP will have equal rights to child if he is on the birth certificate. They don’t need to be married for that to happen . You don’t know how they will co -parent if they split. It wouldn’t be fair to split a family over a holiday / birthday . That is ridiculous .

Report
Justia · 14/01/2024 18:21

oakleaffy · 14/01/2024 18:11

🤣

One can imagine the “ Humorous” greetings cards being printed right now to be sold on Etsy.

CONGRATULATIONS UPON YOUR
KNOCKING UP



Or “ Congratulations upon falling pregnant “

(The term “ Falling” is also very negative.)

I wonder where the “knocked up “
expression came from originally?

@oakleaffy I have no idea. It is used quite frequently where I am in a casual sense, so apologies if anyone was offended.

Examples

”X is knocked up so they’re getting a house together now”

or upon seeing friends in a jokey sense

“Hey! You’re knocked up, welcome to the club, you’ll never sleep again”

Oh, and the cards already exist!

Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing
Report
GreyBlackLove · 14/01/2024 18:22

Justia that was a long winded way of saying you have assumed this and posted it on the thread as fact. Fwiw my friend (unmarried! The horror) is on a good wage, but hasn't bought and prefers to instead save because the nature of her job saw her move regularly for the first few years. She then moved in with her partner who already owned his house outright. I have a feeling its similar in this instance.

I think the OP hasn't went into a detailed explanation of her finances and legal situation because its not the point of her thread, and you have assumed otherwise because it fits into the myopic version of her being "knocked up" you've created.

Kindly refrain from posting your assumptions as facts, it makes you look biased.

Report
Commonsense22 · 14/01/2024 18:25

This thread is absolutely bonkers. OP, congratulations on your pregnancy. People are giving you a stupidly hard time for no good reason at all.

Your partner is fully responsible for the timing issue, however most of us know men who are not exactly the best forward planners.

What I don't understand at all is why he doesn't just speak with this daughter. The situation could wind up hurtful for her, yes, but only if he doesn't have the tough conversation.

It seems like a simple conversation like "there's something both amazing and complicated I need to tell you... I feel completely gutted about the timing as your birthday. and trip were incredibly important for me... In the circumstances, with the best of intentions, if we go together my mind will be elsewhere... sorry again but how can I make it up to you? " I'm pretty sure the daughter would be fine especially with the option of going with her boyfriend.

He has equal responsibility towards his daughter and towards you and the new baby. I absolutely agree that if there's just one time in a woman's life when her needs should trump absolutely everyone else's, it's the time around giving birth.
However bad it's for his daughter that he has to give up the trip, it would be a trillion times worse for him to leave you there. It sounds like he has, actually, made the right decision.

It doesn't mean it's easy for him and this has reflected in his reaction towards you. It's a shame you're in that position and your DH sounds like the one who should grow up, but I hope for you that getting closer to the date he'll be happy and seeing his daughter happy for your both will be the icing on the cake.
My only recommendation would be to tell her as soon as possible, even if you would normally want to hold on to the news a bit longer, in this circumstance it's the right thing to let her know straight away and before anyone else.

Report
Justia · 14/01/2024 18:28

Cockapoo1211 · 14/01/2024 18:16

Thanks for your explanation. The OPsDP also has ‘loyalty ‘ as you put in it ( very common for a pecking order to be mentioned in these threads ) to his new child . The OP is the mother of said child. If her DP would leave her over something so ridiculous as a holiday / timing of a holiday then I say this is a good thing . She’s better off without , she will find a way forward .

Men in these situations do tend to be very weak . They do tend to pander to their first families . I agree that marriage is a good idea when having a child . The DP will have equal rights to child if he is on the birth certificate. They don’t need to be married for that to happen . You don’t know how they will co -parent if they split. It wouldn’t be fair to split a family over a holiday / birthday . That is ridiculous .

@Cockapoo1211

There is a difference between a 9wk old foetus and an 17 year old child in terms of his emotional investment.

I absolutely agree with you he would be a shit to leave her, but equally she is flexing her demands and dictating the odds when she has very little power and if it becomes a thing (over a period of time) and he gets fed up, it is too easy to walk out the door.

That is not to state either is right or wrong. But that there is a power imbalance and OP is vulnerable.

Actually I would be more concerned about her vulnerability in that manner, than her being left with a 3week old for 10 days.

Report
pikkumyy77 · 14/01/2024 18:31

I hope that the incredibly kind and thoughtful posts Justitia has written help the OP—feckless, knocked up, improvident, low earning, selfish, gold digger that she is —realize that she should insist on marriage right away. The posts were kindly meant, evidently.

Report
WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 14/01/2024 18:34

Cockapoo1211 · 14/01/2024 18:16

Thanks for your explanation. The OPsDP also has ‘loyalty ‘ as you put in it ( very common for a pecking order to be mentioned in these threads ) to his new child . The OP is the mother of said child. If her DP would leave her over something so ridiculous as a holiday / timing of a holiday then I say this is a good thing . She’s better off without , she will find a way forward .

Men in these situations do tend to be very weak . They do tend to pander to their first families . I agree that marriage is a good idea when having a child . The DP will have equal rights to child if he is on the birth certificate. They don’t need to be married for that to happen . You don’t know how they will co -parent if they split. It wouldn’t be fair to split a family over a holiday / birthday . That is ridiculous .

The irony to thank this poster for their explanation, then continue to actually think that anyone is suggesting that one 10 day holiday will result in separation in his return.

I've tried explaining the bigger picture and real issue at hand.

This poster has very succinctly, on several posts, explained the bigger picture and real issue at hand.

You still fail to understand that and are wittering on about what kind of low level man dumps someone because of the timing of one holiday...

Report
oakleaffy · 14/01/2024 18:38

Justia · 14/01/2024 18:21

@oakleaffy I have no idea. It is used quite frequently where I am in a casual sense, so apologies if anyone was offended.

Examples

”X is knocked up so they’re getting a house together now”

or upon seeing friends in a jokey sense

“Hey! You’re knocked up, welcome to the club, you’ll never sleep again”

Oh, and the cards already exist!

Bang goes my idea for cards then!

I remember Dad using the term “ Knocking shop” when I had a red lightbulb in my bedroom as a teenager that overlooked the street.
He said “ take that bulb out , it looks like a bloody knocking shop with that on”

Report
WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 14/01/2024 18:47

GreyBlackLove · 14/01/2024 18:22

Justia that was a long winded way of saying you have assumed this and posted it on the thread as fact. Fwiw my friend (unmarried! The horror) is on a good wage, but hasn't bought and prefers to instead save because the nature of her job saw her move regularly for the first few years. She then moved in with her partner who already owned his house outright. I have a feeling its similar in this instance.

I think the OP hasn't went into a detailed explanation of her finances and legal situation because its not the point of her thread, and you have assumed otherwise because it fits into the myopic version of her being "knocked up" you've created.

Kindly refrain from posting your assumptions as facts, it makes you look biased.

OP has never owned a home. Most likely for financial reasons, rather than the odd exceptional reason that people might be able conjour up, which is strict minority.

She's got a partner who doesn't like announcing her pregnancy, gravitating towards his daughter, probably feeling overly protective as the other parent is dead.

She earns less. Most likely a low earner, because of the house thing. Yeah, she could be on a million a year and him £1.2m. I mean, she's not, it's pretty obvious in context, but I guess some people just like to argue anything other than the most likely scenario.

He doesn't want to get married.

They've only been together 3yrs. His wife only died 3yrs prior.

And her support network is "My parents aren’t fit to help and I have no siblings".

Doing the pick me dance, and him clearly unhappy about it, but feeling dutiful/had the wrath of OP (who dismisses this widowed child's entry to adulthood, with her sole remaining parent, as "absurd"..."just a tennis trip") is not setting a great foundation, for someone already in a very insecure position.

He wakes up one morning, to "we can't go and see Sarah at uni, the baby is teething" and decides it's the straw that breaks the camels back, OP is homeless, low earning, no parents, no siblings, and raising baby. And not one thing OP can do about any of it. Something that might be a good idea to avoid, by handling the situation better from the outset.

Report
Justia · 14/01/2024 18:51

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 14/01/2024 18:34

The irony to thank this poster for their explanation, then continue to actually think that anyone is suggesting that one 10 day holiday will result in separation in his return.

I've tried explaining the bigger picture and real issue at hand.

This poster has very succinctly, on several posts, explained the bigger picture and real issue at hand.

You still fail to understand that and are wittering on about what kind of low level man dumps someone because of the timing of one holiday...

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn

Well exactly, no one would split over a holiday.

It’s more the OP’s attitude is coming across as “my baby is here and comes first, the SD can forget about the US Open with Dad, a pint in the pub is plenty for her! And she’ll be packed off to Uni soon anyway thank goodness so I can get on with my wonderful new family of three”

If her DP is reading it this way too it doesn’t bode well.

Report
GreyBlackLove · 14/01/2024 18:55

And yet that still doesn't make the assumption that she's a low earner, with no investments or savings of her own, and has not considered legal protection any more true than the first time that nonsense was posted.

Him not wanting to be married doesn't in anyway take away from her lackof desire from marriage.

And NONE of that is relevant to her actual question on the timing and how to let the daughter know tactfully.

These are the posts of fantasists hellbent on derailing the thread to fit your assumed version of events and turn this into a judgement on their choice to get pregnant at all. It's distasteful bullshit poorly presented as faux concern. Sell it elsewhere.

Report
LaurieStrode · 14/01/2024 18:57

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn pretty good summation.

Report
WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 14/01/2024 19:06

GreyBlackLove · 14/01/2024 18:55

And yet that still doesn't make the assumption that she's a low earner, with no investments or savings of her own, and has not considered legal protection any more true than the first time that nonsense was posted.

Him not wanting to be married doesn't in anyway take away from her lackof desire from marriage.

And NONE of that is relevant to her actual question on the timing and how to let the daughter know tactfully.

These are the posts of fantasists hellbent on derailing the thread to fit your assumed version of events and turn this into a judgement on their choice to get pregnant at all. It's distasteful bullshit poorly presented as faux concern. Sell it elsewhere.

And yet that still doesn't make the assumption that she's a low earner, with no investments or savings of her own, and has not considered legal protection any more true than the first time that nonsense was posted.

Never owned a house. Divorced (without a child). Earns less than new partner. Living in his house with zero rights. There is no legal protection to consider, she has none. Partner not happy announcing her pregnancy. Partner more worried about existing daughter. No parental help. No siblings.

You're right, this all sounds really savvy and on balance, she's likely on £200k a year with a huge share portfolio.

So yes, back to her question, how best to let his 18yr old know that her only parent won't be coming on her special, personal, already picked out for dad and her, 18th birthday celebration... because dad's new girlfriend demands him home with her new baby...

I can't possibly see how anything could go wrong here. That would just be "fantasising"...

Report
GreyBlackLove · 14/01/2024 19:23

There you go again - more fantasy and assumptions:
You're right, this all sounds really savvy and on balance, she's likely on £200k a year with a huge share portfolio.
Is it that hard to simply stick to what is posted, and what is asked?

The question was never how best to let his 18yr old know that her only parent won't be coming on her special, personal, already picked out for dad and her, 18th birthday celebration. That was, again, more fantasy on your part. Because his daughter was never told about the gift and he already said he wasn't going.

It was about tactfully telling his daughter about the pregnancy. Until it was utterly derailed that is.

Report
WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 14/01/2024 19:26

GreyBlackLove · 14/01/2024 19:23

There you go again - more fantasy and assumptions:
You're right, this all sounds really savvy and on balance, she's likely on £200k a year with a huge share portfolio.
Is it that hard to simply stick to what is posted, and what is asked?

The question was never how best to let his 18yr old know that her only parent won't be coming on her special, personal, already picked out for dad and her, 18th birthday celebration. That was, again, more fantasy on your part. Because his daughter was never told about the gift and he already said he wasn't going.

It was about tactfully telling his daughter about the pregnancy. Until it was utterly derailed that is.

It's a best guess.

Yours is an unlikely guess.

And as for OP's tact, she finds it "absurd" that he should leave for a paltry game of tennis. Because that's all it is to her.

He can buy her first legal drink, that's plenty.

Report
GreyBlackLove · 14/01/2024 19:36

I haven't made any guesses, instead I have pointed out that (a) the OP hasn't posted enough info to make any judgement on her financial status and (b) she hasn't asked for any judgement on her finances.

It was an unnecessary, useless, ignorant and rude guess.

For an 18th an all expenses trip to the states to watch a sporting event you love with the friend or BF of your choice, dinner at home with your family, party on the day of, trip to Wimbledon and potential trip to the French Open on top of the usual gifts IS plenty.

Stick to the facts and what has actually been said and you'll find it harder to justify your nasty comments.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

sssf24 · 14/01/2024 19:41

He wakes up one morning, to "we can't go and see Sarah at uni, the baby is teething" and decides it's the straw that breaks the camels back, OP is homeless, low earning, no parents, no siblings, and raising baby. And not one thing OP can do about any of it. Something that might be a good idea to avoid, by handling the situation better from the outset.

Wow. Some people get wildly carried away in their minds don't they 😂😂

Report
WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 14/01/2024 19:46

GreyBlackLove · 14/01/2024 19:36

I haven't made any guesses, instead I have pointed out that (a) the OP hasn't posted enough info to make any judgement on her financial status and (b) she hasn't asked for any judgement on her finances.

It was an unnecessary, useless, ignorant and rude guess.

For an 18th an all expenses trip to the states to watch a sporting event you love with the friend or BF of your choice, dinner at home with your family, party on the day of, trip to Wimbledon and potential trip to the French Open on top of the usual gifts IS plenty.

Stick to the facts and what has actually been said and you'll find it harder to justify your nasty comments.

You seem to be missing the obvious and completely understandable over compensation by the existing parent following the death of the other parent.

Should DH pass, I have no doubt I would absolutely throw my life at making my children as happy as possible, overly so, because they had suffered such grief. Is it the right thing to do? I don't know. I'd be doing everything to try and make them smile. And there they would be, the little reminders of what was left of the love of my life.

You seem to be mistaking judgment for assessment. Nothing OP says suggests she is very financially stable. The omission of her direct financial information is one thing, but she's written enough to make an informed assessment of the most likely scenario. Which is not ignorant, rude, or nasty. Just most likely.

Personally couldn't give a shit about OP's finances. Just pointing out, as have many, that while she feels so pleased in succeeding to keep him home from he and his daughter's 18th celebrations, that this may bite her in the arse. And she doesn't appear to be in a very secure position should this happen.

As PP said, proverbially won the battle, lost the war.

Report
Wimpeyspread · 14/01/2024 19:49

LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 18:36

You really think he should be away from his newborn child for 10+ days for tennis?

The baby has you, and will not notice. His daughter needs this time with him and will not definitely notice

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.