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AIBU?

Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

821 replies

LouLouPat · 12/01/2024 15:19

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

940 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
35%
You are NOT being unreasonable
65%
Bertiesmum3 · 12/01/2024 16:27

TheShellBeach · 12/01/2024 15:44

Of course he should cancel it.

The OP will be about to give birth at that time. She needs him.

The birth of a child is more important than a holiday. The holiday can be postponed.

Put yourself in the eldest child position, to cancel a trip of the lifetime because of a baby who maybe here by then, I’m sure the eldest will feel very left out and dads showing favoutism over a new baby who won’t even know that dad has gone away!

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Everydayimhuffling · 12/01/2024 16:29

If he possibly can, he should not miss her trip. Is there anyone who could come and help you, OP? It's really important that he shows her that he still prioritises her and this is a really good way to do that.

He can get excited after he's told her. I imagine it will be hard for her and he'll need to approach it carefully. I understand it's disappointing for you, but this is a complicated situation. To be blunt: her emotions are the priority here, not yours.

In all honesty you both should have considered it, but babies are hard to time.

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Daisies12 · 12/01/2024 16:31

It was always possible to happen as soon as you came off the pill. If it was so important to not be pregnant with that timing, you should have waited, but too late now. I really think he should do the trip, and you should try and find someone to stay with you. Please protect yourself and get married, if you're living in his house, and I assume making financial sacrifices during mat leave and possibly after.

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Wheresthefibre · 12/01/2024 16:32

It’s not even about it just being her 18th. It’s her 18th and her mum isn’t here. It’s likely to be a time she needs her Dad more than she may have done if her mother was still alive.

Theres going to be an extra layer to everything now. Always.

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Echobelly · 12/01/2024 16:32

If she is as mature and sensible as you say I expect she will take it in her stride but you and DP should be ready to be understanding and maybe check in with her if she's OK even if she seems to be happy. I wouldn't make too big a thing of it, you have nothing to apologise for, but just acknowledge it's coming at a big time in her life, no one can time these things precisely and you thought you'd be on a much longer timeline.

I hope everything turns out OK for all of you and your DP can take it in and be more positive.

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ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 12/01/2024 16:33

@Feelinadequate23

🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

Most sensible thing I've read on here in ages

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NewYear24 · 12/01/2024 16:33

I think he’s getting his head around it all, obviously he should have done this before you came off the pill. The reality is probably dawning on him that his DD will be 18 and he’ll be doing the whole parenting thing from scratch once again.
I think he should go in the trip with his DD.

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badwolf82 · 12/01/2024 16:42

I would suggest telling her about the pregnancy as soon as possible, tell her about the trip, and give her options on how she would like to take the trip e.g go with a friend, postpone to another time later this year (but that would exclude the tennis) or postpone to next year with her dad.

Life happens, most people don’t get a massive or expensive 18th birthday celebration, and hopefully she will just be pleased that she’s going to get an awesome holiday as a gift even if it has to be postponed. Plenty of celebrations get postponed because life happened and it’s not the end of the world. She sounds very mature and will hopefully be able to take this news in a mature and sensible way.

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Bracksonsboss · 12/01/2024 16:42

WagWoofWalkMeeoow · 12/01/2024 15:36

@LouLouPat I'm sorry he's spoiling this for you. If he was SO concerned about the timing he could have used condoms couldn't he!

when he says it again, tell him you'll terminate then, see what his reaction is.
that might clear a few things up.

when he realises that is NOT going to happen, just tell him DSD can still have a huge fuss made over her, that any other time is likely to be 'not ideal' either. Ask if he actually wants this baby or not?!?!

He needs to get on board. Get DSD told before she puts 2+2 together & is hurt she wasn't told. And before he completely ruins your pregnancy.

What a manipulative and ridiculous suggestion.

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thebestinterest · 12/01/2024 16:43

Your partner is being a moron. Anytime you have unprotected sex there is the possibility of getting pregnant immediately. Wtf? It’s also the biggest lie that is takes a bit of trying after coming off any bc. That’s not the case for the majority of people!!!

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Jobofferetiquette · 12/01/2024 16:43

I think if the NY trip could still happen it would solve all your problems. Your DP will get to make a fuss of her, she'll feel really special and he won't miss out on something he's probably really been looking forward to, and feel less guilty about it all.

I know it's not ideal but presumably they'll be gone just a few days? If it's 3 weeks past your due date then even if you're massively overdue he won't miss the birth. You could arrange for your mum, MIL or close friend to stay with you over that time.

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ianshe · 12/01/2024 16:44

There's not a hope in hell I would let my partner cancel that trip. At the end of the day New York is just a 6hr flight away, how long is he going for? Maybe cut it down to three/four days?
It really wouldn't be the end of the world if you had your mum/sister/close friend come stay with you instead of him for a few days.

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TomeTome · 12/01/2024 16:48

How many days is the trip with dd1

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gardenfoundry · 12/01/2024 16:51

@Feelinadequate23 Whilst I understand how your comment is would apply to a situation where parents are divorced, have a few partner and have kids together - creating a blended family - but in this instance the wife of OP's DP has died.

Does this really count as a 'blended family'?

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Wishitsnows · 12/01/2024 16:52

Poor girl. I hope she at least gets to go on the trip to the open.

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sonjadog · 12/01/2024 16:53

How long is the trip planned for? Do you have someone who could come and stay with you and help while he is away (or who can be on standby to come if you find that you need help)? I think that if it is possible, he should still go. It isn't ideal for you, but I think you just make it work for a few days so that the trip goes ahead.

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Ohyesthankyouglitter · 12/01/2024 16:54

The problem is that you don't know when the baby is going to arrive. It could be 5 weeks old or 1 week old depending on whether it's two weeks before or two weeks after.

Is there any chance he could get tickets for the French Open final and then also the Wimbledon Final? Will depend (the first) on when exams finish - but celebrating earlier would take the pressure off August.

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Wheresthefibre · 12/01/2024 17:00

I agree instead of him sending someone else with her. The better idea would be to go a tournament whilst Op is still pregnant.

Then do something on (or closer to) the day like a meal out or a day out or something

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LaurieStrode · 12/01/2024 17:01

People give birth all the time when the bio-fathers are deployed, working away, in prison or otherwise unavailable. It's not that big a deal; the baby won't know one way or other other if its father is there.

This girl has lost her mother at a very young age, then had to adapt to her father moving a girlfriend in rather quickly, and now this. It would be massively insensitive to cancel her birthday trip or send a teenager off to New York alone with another teen FFS, regardless of the timing of the pregnancy and birth.

If one takes up with a man who already has children, one has to accept that one won't always take first place. Start working now on contingency plans for other people to stay with/help when the child is born. A few days apart isn't going to be fatal. The poor girl already has suffered enough.

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FlyingUnicornWings · 12/01/2024 17:01

Everything @justteanbiscuits has said!

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NewYear24 · 12/01/2024 17:01

Could the trip be turned into an end of A levels holiday (so mid June)?

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slore · 12/01/2024 17:02

This is your first child and your selfish husband is really raining on your parade and spoiling it for you.

He lost the right to whinge about having a summer baby the moment he chose to have unprotected sex with you 9 months before.

I don't understand the "we thought it would take a long time" logic - the chance of getting pregnant doesn't accumulate with repeated efforts. Each cycle, you either fall pregnant, or you don't.

If it was really that much of a problem to have a summer baby he should have asked you wait another two months. You didn't know the timing would be mildly inconvenient for him. That was entirely his responsibility to think of that, and he didn't. He has got no right whatsoever to be irritated now when it is solely his fault.

He should stop moaning and focus of celebrating and supporting you.

Your stepdaughter sounds like she's very reasonable, but either way she doesn't get a say in any of this. She'll just have to deal with it, like every other step sibling in the world.

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ActDottie · 12/01/2024 17:02

WagWoofWalkMeeoow · 12/01/2024 15:36

@LouLouPat I'm sorry he's spoiling this for you. If he was SO concerned about the timing he could have used condoms couldn't he!

when he says it again, tell him you'll terminate then, see what his reaction is.
that might clear a few things up.

when he realises that is NOT going to happen, just tell him DSD can still have a huge fuss made over her, that any other time is likely to be 'not ideal' either. Ask if he actually wants this baby or not?!?!

He needs to get on board. Get DSD told before she puts 2+2 together & is hurt she wasn't told. And before he completely ruins your pregnancy.

Wow threaten to terminate? Seriously who the hell does that?

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Jessforless · 12/01/2024 17:05

I think it is so important to work out any way he can still take his DD to the US open. Obviously it will depend on your actual due date but as long as he doesn’t kiss the birth a few days should be okay? Obviously it’s not ideal but seems the best solution.

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CinnamonbunsandApples · 12/01/2024 17:08

I don’t have any actual advice but you both sound lovely ! Your dh sounds so considerate and caring about his dd and you have written such lovely things about your stepdaughter

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