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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Telling Friend I'm Only Going On Cheap Catch-ups

190 replies

vanquest · 12/01/2024 12:12

Not really BU as I know I'm putting myself first.
Some background- known friend since pandemic. We would go out on expensive girl-dates initiated by her where she puts me in an uncomfortable situation and I mostly end up paying the bills (usually average of £80-100).
I challenged myself to do less people-pleasing this year so, she's been texting me that we are due for another girl catch-up. We had one over Christmas that left me really out of pocket and I'm still recovering from that.
She's asked repeatedly and I then replied her saying things are financially tight and I'm only able to meet up for a cheap hot drink, nothing else. Friend read and hasn't replied for a week.
Is she taking the piss or just realised I've decided to no longer be used and has resorted to the silent treatment?
What should I do? Just ignore her?

OP posts:

MILTOBE · 13/01/2024 22:10

If you really want to get rid of her, you could list all the things you've paid for and all the things she's paid for over the last few years. You won't hear from her again.

beatrix1234 · 13/01/2024 22:32

vanquest · 13/01/2024 21:12

Yes, thank you. I can now see that she isn't my 'friend.' I do have a full life. I go out and do stuff. I just don't connect with people easily as perhaps most people do. I'm not lonely or in desperate need of a friend, but if I meet someone I take to, I try to keep them and I do want people I care about to feel special.
But in this case, I'd decided that whether it was today or in a million years, I won't see this friend for more than a coffee any longer.
It's just not because I don't want to pay for her. I also no longer want to waste money on overpriced things. I don't drink, so I usually have water whilst my friend indulges in the most expensive wine. Last catch-up, she nudged us to a cheap meal on the menu and said we'd have same thing, but I placed my order first and the waiter turned to her, she suddenly changed her mind and went for the most expensive meal and wine, but it was the way in which she intuitively relayed the new order off heart - it made me realise she'd planned what she wanted all along. And then she told me that I shouldn't worry as she spent same amount on theatre tickets, but that wasn't particularly fair as we both would see the play but we both aren't eating and drinking equally.
I can't remember how much it was, but assuming she spent £10 on theatre tickets, she then nudged me to eat for £3 whilst she ate for £7. And then claimed that were even as she's paid for tickets and I'm paying for food.
That was the last straw and what led me to post about it on MN a few weeks ago and from the advice I got here, I started to work on my myself and my boundaries.
You're right. I don't even want the friendship anymore. I hate to overthink things as I get confused with all these social manoeuvres. It's best I just leave it alone.

OP I thought you said in your initial post you spent 100 on dinner and drinks? It all comes down to how much she paid for theatre tickets, if she paid a similar amount for your theatre ticket then fair game, but if she spent 10 pounds on tickets then sucked you of 80 for a meal then that’s not fair. It’s just the amounts you posted at the beginning and now differ a lot hence my confusion.

Original poster

vanquest · 13/01/2024 22:44

Thank you @NappiesAndBunFluff. I've been in therapy on and off, and have returned now. I completely agree. I need to be kinder to myself by putting myself first and making myself feel more worthy.

I don't think I'd be able to text her anything daring. If I did, I'd have feel so awful and have sleepless nights just feeling mean. But I can cut her off. I'm very good at going cold turkey once I conclude I no longer want to be involved.

Thanks to all who suggested celebrating the little things. I've started just buying myself something nice just because it'd been a good day or I'd done well on my to-do list for the day. I also began journaling all the little things I achieved last year that were worth celebrating - started a dream job, recovered from COVID, had a cancer scare, cut off my user ex, lost weight etc I have a plan to celebrate them retrospectively.

OP posts:

CappelliBand · 13/01/2024 22:59

@SirQuintusAureliusMaximus The point is, as soon as she knew I knew that she was using me, she was off and that little hint is all she needed.

She wasn’t interested in keeping up the friendship after that moment because I wouldn’t be useful to her.

Original poster

vanquest · 13/01/2024 23:00

@beatrix1234
See my previous post which is where I explained what happened when we celebrated Christmas. I did end up paying for more drinks for her, so I was out of pocket. But that wasn't the cause of the irritation at the time - it was the sly way she went about making me pay evenly:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am iibeingunreasonable/4959759-friend-ate-and-drank-more-at-dinner-to-get-even

OP posts:

Lantyslee · 13/01/2024 23:03

She sounds unbelievably tedious and self obsessed. I don't know anyone who behaves like this. Does she ever think about anyone other than herself?

Toooldforthis36 · 13/01/2024 23:05

Am struggling to see where the friendship is in this behaviour? She’s just mugging you off. X

Serenitymummy · 13/01/2024 23:42

She's a d!ckhead and I'd just not contact her again, and if she tries to contact you, just hold firm with "sorry, I can't afford it at the moment" and that's that. God what a dreadful person. Definitely not a friend. Take care of yourself.

Justfinking · 14/01/2024 07:23

Ignoring all the other details, this friend sounds like hard work. Bin her.

MadeInYorkshire69 · 14/01/2024 07:35

You sound like a very kind and generous person who deserves much better friends. Stay strong on this xx

NappiesAndBunFluff · 14/01/2024 09:09

Sounds like you've had more reasons to celebrate than she has to be honest! Hope you find a lovely way to recognise all those things.

SeasideJane · 14/01/2024 09:16

She will contact you again, as people always do in these scenarios. She doesn't know that she has been inappropriate. Your choice: if you generally enjoy her company, then see her, but stay firm in your resolve to do low cost coffee dates/walks. She is probably find of you and oblivious. It doesn't make her a bad person or friend.

Pootle23 · 14/01/2024 09:16

Feel so sad for you, she’s a total user. She didn’t even bother to celebrate your birthday! Sounds like a total cow to me. Drop her and go out with friends who pay their way.

Chinchillakilla32 · 14/01/2024 09:55

Good on you! X

ellyeth · 15/01/2024 18:14

She's not really a friend is she. If she doesn't contact you, I would leave it at that. Don't let her scrounge on you again.

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