Telling Friend I'm Only Going On Cheap Catch-ups

[vanquest]

Not really BU as I know I'm putting myself first.
Some background- known friend since pandemic. We would go out on expensive girl-dates initiated by her where she puts me in an uncomfortable situation and I mostly end up paying the bills (usually average of £80-100).
I challenged myself to do less people-pleasing this year so, she's been texting me that we are due for another girl catch-up. We had one over Christmas that left me really out of pocket and I'm still recovering from that.
She's asked repeatedly and I then replied her saying things are financially tight and I'm only able to meet up for a cheap hot drink, nothing else. Friend read and hasn't replied for a week.
Is she taking the piss or just realised I've decided to no longer be used and has resorted to the silent treatment?
What should I do? Just ignore her?

Because people feel the need to belittle others to make themselves feel better

usually bully types.

Stay strong. Shes a fair weather friend. A real friend wouldn’t do this.

Just text her and say next nights on her, where does she fancy. Probably not hear from her again. No loss.

well done for drawing a boundary with her. And yes your thoughts are correct, she was using you.

Well done OP 👏

You’ve stopped being a people pleaser & putting other people’s needs ahead of your own, and put down boundaries. You should be proud of yourself- these are massive steps & will 💯 increase your self esteem.
The woman you’re talking about sounds like a crap ‘friend’ & believe me, you deserve better.

I sometimes wonder if the universe tests us (eg you set the intention of no longer being a people pleaser & this person taking advantage of your kind nature scenario came into light). If so, then you’ve passed the test with flying colours.
Wishing you all the very best x

@vanquest I suggest you update her name in your contacts to read [her name] / she’s a user, just as a reminder

No,no,no - girl meet ups, either split bill or take turns but paying for expensive meet ups every time? Your 'friend' is no friend just a CF! Drop her like a hot potato!

Oh sweetheart. I’m so glad you pushed back.

you absolutely need to be celebrated… so take yourself out for a treat.

I'd be careful of this in case she suddenly produces an alleged cash crisis on the day and expects OP to pay.

Stick to your guns, OP, if she suggests another meet up, it's still coffee.

Rather than insisting on cheap plans just say "Would love to but it's your turn to pay as I forked out last time. I'm free (dates) let me know what you book"

If she's a friend not a user then that's not a problem.

If she's a good friend she will totally understand and be happy to have cheaper meet ups. I am happy to sit for hours in costa with a good mate or just wonder round the shops or a free art show or park. When I was hard up I had friends who made me feel like I was wasting their time with doing free or cheap stuff together, they aren't friends anymore.

It's incredibly empowering once you start standing up for yourself. Also good to know who your real friends are. It's a win win!

All depends on how you worded the message. "Hey Judy, I'm done with you taking the piss and me paying 100 pounds every time I meet you, so next time it's uncle joe's pub. let me know", or was it: "Hi Judy, I'm very financially strapped lately but would totally love another catch up, would you mind if we do uncle joe's pub this time? Can't wait to see you and hear the 2024 gossip. Hugs Julie".

This 'friend' is a complete user

Well done op.

They can afford all those trips and nice things because they get suckers like you to pay for all their local meals and treats.

She's not your friend. She's a user. And she's using you. Hence 'disappearing' when it was finally her turn to pay, and now going silent when you basically said no more'.

Sticking with the coffee catch up will show whether she wants to actually spend time with you and converse with you, or whether you are just a walking wallet to her

Why don't you just take a tenner in cash so you only have so much to pay and you can't be manipulated into paying more or tell her you've forgotten your purse and can she pay.

Ignore, obviously. You know she's using you, just get rid.

@vanquest has this awful person ever treated you and picked up the bill?

Well done for pushing back. i can't help but laugh at her message, she's suddenly being all vague and citing you both being busy with work, is she? As expected.

OP, you have a very kind insight into the situation, you must be an amazing person to know IRL. Your friend sounds mean - unwilling to celebrate your wins, whilst expecting you to bankroll her.

But your life will be happier if you

1. have boundaries, (well done!) and
2. let people in - theres something nice about being invited like "Fancy a trip to the pub, my new job is perfect excuse!" or whatever - with the expectation of splitting the bill. Its good to be independent, but sometimes it can come over like your keeping people at arms length?

I had a friend like this. I always ended up paying for one reason or another, even though she had a good job and owned her own house and went to every festival going.

The last straw was when I arrived after her to our lunch date and she’d already opened a tab and ordered herself two drinks (a pint and a large glass of wine) and proceeded to order a starter, huge bowl of mussels and desert with coffee, then told me she’d forgotten her wallet.

I couldn’t put up with it any more. I gently gave her a knowing look after paying and I never saw her again. She never once made contact. 🤷‍♀️

I gently gave her a knowing look after paying

How radical. She wouldn't even have noticed.

You sound lovely, kind, sensitive, generous and thoughtful. She has sussed all this out and has been taking advantage. You deserve to have genuine reciprocal friendships from both an emotional and financial perspective. Real mates are there for that coffee and they also pick you up and pick up the bill when it is their turn. Hope 2024 brings you friends who truly value you for who you are

I used to be more of a people pleaser, and very generous. Partly I was forced by changing circumstances to wind it in, and partly by seeing that people take the absolute biscuit. I'm still generous on occasion, but with people who really appreciate it, who I care a great deal for, and aren't p** takers. They are also generous with me in some cases, and would be in others if they could, and you don't feel like you are checking you've been made a mug of.