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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Telling Friend I'm Only Going On Cheap Catch-ups

190 replies

vanquest · 12/01/2024 12:12

Not really BU as I know I'm putting myself first.
Some background- known friend since pandemic. We would go out on expensive girl-dates initiated by her where she puts me in an uncomfortable situation and I mostly end up paying the bills (usually average of £80-100).
I challenged myself to do less people-pleasing this year so, she's been texting me that we are due for another girl catch-up. We had one over Christmas that left me really out of pocket and I'm still recovering from that.
She's asked repeatedly and I then replied her saying things are financially tight and I'm only able to meet up for a cheap hot drink, nothing else. Friend read and hasn't replied for a week.
Is she taking the piss or just realised I've decided to no longer be used and has resorted to the silent treatment?
What should I do? Just ignore her?

OP posts:
VisionsOfSplendour · 12/01/2024 16:03

How have you put up with such weirdness for so long?

Fitandfree · 12/01/2024 16:11

I don't think you'll need to ignore her OP - I doubt she'll be in touch. Well done! Keep working on the self esteem and boundaries.

WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome · 12/01/2024 16:12

She’s not your friend, she’s a massively entitled piss taker.

Anisette · 12/01/2024 16:27

You should have said "Good idea, I assume this is on you as I paid the last 5 times?"

Incogg · 12/01/2024 16:39

I can’t believe people actually live like this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/01/2024 16:42

Well done for sussing her out!

No, she's not a friend, she's a vampire-class user. Just remember it, because my guess would be that she will - as before - wait a couple of months for you to 'forget', then contact you with something you need to 'celebrate' with her. If you reiterate that you're only willing to go for coffee, she'll pressurise you - no vampire-user likes their supply to dry up! Hold firm, tell your cultural-reflex-host to sit down and shut upGrin and hold firm!

She's not a 'friend' worth having.

"I challenged myself to do less people-pleasing this year"
Also, congratulations on spotting this in yourself and deciding to do something about it. So many of us have been raised to be people pleasers, and it really does work against our best interests. So again - well done!

lto2019 · 12/01/2024 17:04

Time to spend money on yourself and 'celebrate' getting rid of the user.

SirQuintusAureliusMaximus · 12/01/2024 17:20

he's out of the country almost every other week and when she returns, she requires she goes celebrate her return. So, all of these add up and I find myself 'celebrating' her by paying the bills as it's always her day.

If she's travelling that much then she can afford to pay for herself.

Did you post about this recently - about being stiffed over for an expensive dinner?

If you want to keep the friendship, then you need to either have a conversation about it but in a calm and neutral way without accussing her of being a money-grabbing manipulator. Or grasp the nettle when the bill comes and start splitting it whatever the culture is. If she is difficult about splitting it, then you need to pre-plan what you are going to say and say it and stick to it - and say something like

"I'm happy to split it but if you are insisting not, then I believe its your turn because the last (fill in her how many are true - two or three times) I paid when (identify where you went and when like in December when we went to the Ritz and in October when we went to the Alchemist or wherever)."

and just keep repeating it. You will need to go forarmed with toughness and don't buckle! Either the bill is split or she pays it all these are the only two options.

Again if you think the friendship is worth keeping, when she pays for theatre tickets and says dinners on you but books somewhere expensive - either say to her I'd prefer to pay you for the ticket and split dinner because it's fairer OR just cancel the expensive place, rebook somewhere you want to go and then tell her. If you are feeling evil, do it at the theatre after the performance ' oh Iforget to mention - I thought it would be better to go here as its closer and cheaper".

Personally all sounds like a right manipulative drag and I'd find other friends but I know sometimes even crap like this can be worth putting up with if a friend is convenient or you are otherwise lonely or dont have any one else to go out with in a particular location.

AllstarFacilier · 12/01/2024 17:26

So does she just tell you that she’s celebrating something and then it falls on you to pay? Not even her pretending to pay or go halves? Can you not just break your tradition and start going halves, or saying that the celebration means birthday and nothing else? What would happen if you have a lunch celebrating her (because it’s a Friday) and when you got the bill you said about splitting it? Would she pay up?

Createausername1970 · 12/01/2024 17:35

OP, she is taking the piss.

She is not a friend, she is a leech.

Do not contact her, let her contact you. If she is a genuine friend she will be happy with a coffee - that she pays for.

vanquest · 12/01/2024 20:07

Yes, I'd posted about this recently because she manipulated me into quite an expensive dinner with expensive wine to celebrate Christmas. I think that was the last straw. Hence why I've reflected since then and decided to start saying no.
We've never celebrated me. She'd promised we'd celebrate my birthday but that came and went because she was away and by the time she returned, she had something about her to celebrate.
Also, I think some things are to do with my conditioning and I'm trying to unlearn. I'd be too embarrassed to insist that people celebrate me. I secretly wish that they'd naturally do so, but no one seems to care.
Perhaps something to do with having being raised to be too independent and to never ask anything of anyone. Being raised to always put my needs last too.
I don't have many friends actually and a part of me admires my friend for her the bubbly attitude she has towards life.
I'd like to keep the friendship, without the exploitation aspect of course. I'm ND. It takes me an average of 5-7 years to find a new friend that I can connect with beyond the surface acquaintances.

OP posts:
T1Dmama · 12/01/2024 20:08

Having read your update… I think you should just block her now.. I think she’s shown you exactly who she is!

T1Dmama · 12/01/2024 20:15

Surely Christmas is a joint celebration and you should’ve split the bills down the middle?!….
and I get you treating her on her birthday but that’s it! That is the only celebration I’d offer to pay for a friend.. I’d expect work promotions and celebrations of holidays and being in the country to just be split financially right down the middle

StrandedStarfish · 12/01/2024 20:30

@vanquest I love the word thrice. Thank you for using it

Norma27 · 13/01/2024 07:53

I mentioned my friend above who is much better off than me. We will meet soon to celebrate my new job and other things for me.
we were supposed to meet for my bday but had to be cancelled. Is now closer to his bday. I’ll either treat him now as his bday or we will split. I don’t expect him to pay for all my celebrations!

Takenoprisoner · 13/01/2024 08:04

Good on you for putting in boundaries. She is not your friend @vanquest as you'll soon see when you refuse to wine and dine her. she's just a user. I bet you won't see her for dust now. I hope you'll make other truer friends, but she's not it.

You're wondering whether to ignore her, however she hasn't responded to your message for a week, so leave it for now. The next bit of contact is upto her now.

Babyblackbear78 · 13/01/2024 08:27

She’s doesn’t sound like a friend at all just someone after a free meal ticket.

vanquest · 13/01/2024 16:41

Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice. She sent me a vague response that it was just a shot and as we must be quite busy now with work already, we should plan something soon.
Clearly, my coffee catchup isn't appealing.
I really feel empowered by saying know although I recognise that I didn't explicitly say no as someone pointed out. However, I believe that pushing back and making an alternative suggestion is progress. I look forward to saying a definitive No to the next person who tries to exploit me.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 13/01/2024 16:57

vanquest · 13/01/2024 16:41

Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice. She sent me a vague response that it was just a shot and as we must be quite busy now with work already, we should plan something soon.
Clearly, my coffee catchup isn't appealing.
I really feel empowered by saying know although I recognise that I didn't explicitly say no as someone pointed out. However, I believe that pushing back and making an alternative suggestion is progress. I look forward to saying a definitive No to the next person who tries to exploit me.

You pushing back has had results, it's a good feeling, isn't it? And as you have said, it's progress.

Just remember, she's likely to come back in a month or two, calculating that you've 'forgotten' and will probably do the 'You can't still be hard-up surely!' performance to try and pressure you. Expect it, admire the Oscar-worthy performance and hold firm! Grin

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/01/2024 17:12

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/01/2024 16:57

You pushing back has had results, it's a good feeling, isn't it? And as you have said, it's progress.

Just remember, she's likely to come back in a month or two, calculating that you've 'forgotten' and will probably do the 'You can't still be hard-up surely!' performance to try and pressure you. Expect it, admire the Oscar-worthy performance and hold firm! Grin

Yes this!

Scottsy200 · 13/01/2024 17:15

She’s basically using you as a free meal ticket, if I were you I wouldn’t bother to co fact her again and if she contacts you which I doubt she will now that she knows she has to pay then I’d just ignore her. Proper CF’er

AllAboardTootToot · 13/01/2024 17:18

She’s not a friend, she’s a using bastard! Get her kicked to the kerb!

Underestimated4 · 13/01/2024 17:22

A friendship on her terms isn’t a friendship

Paw2024 · 13/01/2024 17:25

She's definitely being a user
If a friend said this to me I would say "cool, come to mine" or send you anything cheap that looked good I saw and say what do you think about this, or "this place does coffee and a donut for £5, we could do that and have a walk"

BowlOfNoodles · 13/01/2024 17:28

Feeling used honestly feels so demeaning I sympathise I've been there please ✂️ this habit off.