Telling Friend I'm Only Going On Cheap Catch-ups

[vanquest]

Not really BU as I know I'm putting myself first.
Some background- known friend since pandemic. We would go out on expensive girl-dates initiated by her where she puts me in an uncomfortable situation and I mostly end up paying the bills (usually average of £80-100).
I challenged myself to do less people-pleasing this year so, she's been texting me that we are due for another girl catch-up. We had one over Christmas that left me really out of pocket and I'm still recovering from that.
She's asked repeatedly and I then replied her saying things are financially tight and I'm only able to meet up for a cheap hot drink, nothing else. Friend read and hasn't replied for a week.
Is she taking the piss or just realised I've decided to no longer be used and has resorted to the silent treatment?
What should I do? Just ignore her?

When my friend got this promotion amazingly lots of people he had not heard from for years were in contact.

I'd also like to know more about how you end up paying??

I have been out lots with various people/groups of people and never ended up paying for them all the time. Either someone insists on paying (and then next time the other person then insists on paying), we split evenly or pay for own. There might be instances when I've done out in a group and thought the next day I hardly spent anything as other epople kept buying me drinks but then other times i spend more than 'my share' so evens out.

I've never asked someone to pay for me - i would be mortified, let alone do it on a regular basis!

Agree @TinkerTiger I'm always surprised by these threads

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" springs to mind

She sounds like a friend I had when I was 18. It stopped the day I clocked her paying for her fags with £50 note having pleaded poverty to me, and not helping to pay for club entry, drinks, petrol etc. She just used me to pay for a night out.

*I realise she may have needed the rest of the money - but it was the last in a long line of little things I'd picked up on which spelt out 'user'.

How do you end up paying all the time? I honestly don't understand how these situations come about. People are either utter doormats or have horrible friends.

I got an uber back from a night out with a friend recently. The quoted price was £40 so my friend gave me a £20 note as she was being dropped off. When I checked my accound later Uber had revised down the charge and only took £25 from my account. So I immediately let my friend know and transferred some money back to her.

haha, I recognise this. Self employed - no one wants to know me. Take a contract at a well-known firm... suddenly all my old colleagues and "Friends" appear out of the woodwork.

Dislike an OP with a statement such as ‘I end up paying the bills’ without explaining.

YABU for doing that, and for subsidising this person when you didn’t want to!

Nope, YANBU - your ‘mate’ is a cheeky fucker who has realised that you can’t be squeezed for any more.

If someone puts you in an embarrassing situation which means you pay for their expensive taste night out and they never pay it back, then you don’t agree to go out on another expensive night until they’ve paid what they owe. They’ve already shown they don’t have the funds or inclination to pay for trip number 1, so they shouldn’t be going on trip number 2. Otherwise, you end up bankrolling a CF, like you have done.

You are clearly really nice and they are a dickhead.

You don't say why you end up paying for things, but you need to make it absolutely clear that this is stopping, right now. If your friend doesn't reply then it seems obvious that she was only using you for the expensive days out she could get out of you.

We would go out on expensive girl-dates initiated by her where she puts me in an uncomfortable situation and I mostly end up paying the bills (usually average of £80-100).

I also don't get why you are paying?

She's not a friend. Don't meet up with her and don't ever pay for her again.

If you're ever in this situation again and can't be assertive, to avoid paying just take a few pound coins for your own coffee and that way you can only pay for your coffee, nothing else.

I can see how it happens. DH and I used to meet a mutual friend for drinks it didn't seem equal that she should pay for drinks for two people... so we paid for her. which was fair enough really.
This somehow stuck when I met up with her on my own. It had become a pattern and seemed expected. Plus there was either a drama or unfortunate event just prior. I didn't want to cause unpleasantness at the end of what had been a nice afternoon so I went with it and paid. Then it happened again. Then I saw her post detailing what an amazing weekend she'd had and all the places, thanking people, omitting to mention our outing at all. It didn't count apparently. So it won't be happening again.

Sometimes it's not easy to see it until it's happened a few times.

@vanquest

where she puts me in an uncomfortable situation and I mostly end up paying the bills (usually average of £80-100).

How does this happen exactly? What does she do that leads you to "mostly" paying the bills? Why are you doing this?

This is important information because if you are paying routinely it suggests a bigger problem.

She should have quickly replied don’t worry it’s on me this time as you paid last time/s. You might not need to ignore her if she ignores you, but don’t let her use you like this again.

Just forget about it . If she doesn’t firm up a coffee meet or offer to treat you this time then she was using you . Concentrate on other friends

Ignore her. If she comes back and says she totally understands then no harm done, go on the cheap drinks and carry on as friends. If she dumps you as a friend then you know where you are.

I wouldn't follow up or accuse her of anything. Just let the friendship die a natural death while she finds somebody else pay for her prosecco.

Some friendships work well for us at certain points in our lives - often work colleagues or a club you do. Then life evolves and people move on. No hard feelings/just life.

Put this friendship in that bucket and move on BUT make sure you continue to address the people-pleaser bit of your personality.

YWBU to pay for all her meals in the past and not tell her to piss off, the freeloading tightwad.

Why did you pay?

Why didn't you just say you couldn't afford to, and why should you pay for her anyway?!

I have a similar friend.. well my oldest friend, for over 30 years, but as I always earned more, and she had young children, I seemed to always pay the bill (nothing extravagant like you’re talking), but coffee, sandwich in coffee shop etc. In the last few years my financial situation has changed and now I always take cash and order my own/or say ‘here’s my half’. She is totally fine with it and I had to do it as I love her dearly but couldn’t afford to keep paying.

if she’s that much of a friend then she will meet you in Greggs for a coffee and a steak bake.. let her be if she’s not x

Congratulations on taking steps to stop being a 'people-pleaser', and don't quit now.

Be prepared though, for some of your 'relationships' to start falling apart as the users realise you're not going to bank-roll them any more.

But, as others have said - their loss!

Sorry but if you've been paying for the whole bill (your share and hers), you've been royally mugged off!!

If you mean that seeing her has been expensive, as your half cost a lot in an expensive place, I'd give her one more chance, on the off-chance that she genuinely forgot to reply or had something going on. Like text again suggesting a place to meet / to invite her over yours, and see what she comes back with. If she doesn't reply, it means she only wants friends with lots of disposable cash, so they can keep up with her lifestyle. Not very nice imo, but at least you'll have your answer.

To be honest, she doesn't sound like a genuine friend - coming up with ideas for an expensive get together and expecting her friend to foot most/all of the bill. Unless you've clearly said you're treating her, it should be roughly 50/50. If she's a genuine friend she'd be quite happy with meeting you for coffee, perhaps with a walk before or after if she wants to spend more time with you, or an evening in at yours or hers over a bottle of wine and nibbles.

Keep the money for yourself and if you do have some, treat yourself or spend it with another friend or family member.

This may help you OP https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/courses/the-people-pleasing-diet/

I have a friend like this. We always split meals in half but for some reasons I was on the hook when we met for coffees. He lived with his parents and I lived alone with a mortgage. He was earning £4k net and paying zero rent and yet as the one with a mortgage I was deemed the 'adult'.

I just stopped paying and waited and waited until he eventually went to get his own coffee. And then when he ordered his, I ordered my own.

Ah no, give her a shout and tell her you've booked an expensive restaurant for the two of you on x date.

Then either turn up with 'mug' stamped on your forehead, or forget your phone/purse.

Ugh. Hate these drop and go threads.