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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend ate and drank more at dinner to get even

94 replies

flyingdonkey · 09/12/2023 15:30

Friend and I meet every now and then over dinner or drinks.
I think they live above their means, and spend their money on fancy experiences whilst they struggle with living up to desired standards in their personal lives.
In the past I've picked the entire tab or gone Dutch with them. A few months ago, I paid fully for dinner and then said they can pay next time we're out as they have never paid in full for us both. Since then, months passed where we couldn't meet one-on-one (we've met in between with wider groups of friends) because friend always said they were busy with one thing or the other.
Now months passed, friend suggested we see a movie and have dinner. They booked movie tickets for £X and I said I will pay for dinner.
I didn't think much of it.
When we went to dinner, the menu was fairly cheap; we settled for certain foods on the menu. However, in the middle of taking our order, friend changed their mind and ordered for a more expensive food and wine.
When the waiter left, they then said that it's okay as it now means that I'm paying for food equivalent to the £X they'd paid for movie tickets.
I felt they were being calculative and sly.
A few hours later, they wanted another glass of wine and I offered to pay for it and they then objected saying it'll mean we're no longer even. I said it was ok and paid anyway. This meant they now spent £X on movie tickets and I spent £X+30 on food. I told them that there's more to life than trying to be even as it slowly dawned on me that they purposely nudged me to a cheaper food so they can have more expensive food and wine covered within their mental calculation of how to stay even.
When I got home, all the memories then flooded back in relation to how I'm the one who took them to a fully paid dinner the last time and how perhaps cunningly they allowed months to pass before we can meet again and then took the lead on suggesting and paying movies this time so they don't have to pay for food in full.
AIBU to think they're too calculative and I should see them less and make myself unavailable for all these expensive meet-ups they are always suggesting or even just not see them anymore! I woke up this morning thinking I really don't need a drainer in my life. I really could do with saving my money for my future goals, not leading a pretentious lifestyle.

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 09/12/2023 15:32

They're taking the piss. At least you've realised and can avoid the situation going forward.

RandomMess · 09/12/2023 15:35

From now on I would tell them you will your own way and them theirs.

Original poster
flyingdonkey · 09/12/2023 15:41

Thank you. I'm going to be scarce and individualistic going forward.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 09/12/2023 15:46

Op it sounded from the off that you barely even liked them- then they were calculating and mean. None of you seem to get anything from this, I’d just let it all drift away, it’s just not working or worth it for any of you

OhComeOnFFS · 09/12/2023 15:49

I couldn't have a friendship with someone who was trying to fleece me.

quizmasterr · 09/12/2023 15:54

You're not being unreasonable to do whatever you wish.

You don't have to buy them dinner. You don't even need to see them.

If the money is the only issue and you enjoy their company then just suggest paying for your own food. If you don't enjoy their coming then don't go out with them.

MeridianB · 09/12/2023 16:03

Not a friend. So no need to meet again.

Nelliemellie · 09/12/2023 16:06

If they suggest again just say you’re made plans with some new friends. They sound fake.

hopeishere · 09/12/2023 16:07

BIL used to do this. He was such a sponger but loved to look generous. He once picked up the tab for a group dinner we were on but then made DH pay him his share the next day so he looked generous in front of other people!

Zebedee55 · 09/12/2023 16:07

Spilt all bills.

Epidote · 09/12/2023 16:07

You don't need to stop meeting them. You need to stop paying for the stuff.
I'll pay mine, you pay yours and etc.

They can order lobster if the pay for it.
Do not offer to buy anything.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/12/2023 16:08

It sounds like neither of you remembered, at the time, that you covered the bill for a dinner several months ago. And offering to pay for things and then getting resentful over it just sounds like hard work. Honestly, the MN definition of friendship baffles me, you don’t appear to like or respect this person and rarely see them anyway, so just call it a day.

Bunnyhair · 09/12/2023 16:08

I don’t get why you didn’t just keep going halves as that seemed to be working out Ok. Why did you insist on paying for dinner and they’d pay next time? Particularly given you have all these ideas about how they are with money?

Lavender14 · 09/12/2023 16:11

I think this depends a lot on how much you like this actual person and what else they bring to your life? Are they kind and supportive and loyal etc.

If this is someone who you value and you want to retain the friendship then you need to reconsider what you do when you meet up. For example, why does it need to be a nice dinner out- why not meet for a walk or for coffee or just at the cinema or at each others home? It sounds like they struggle with money and have a very different approach to it than you do which isn't in itself wrong, but it does mean that if you want to sustain a friendship you need to reconsider the way you spend time together. I'd start suggesting cheaper things and be unavailable for expensive things and if they question it I'd say that you're trying to save more. It might take pressure off them and your friendship.

But if they don't add much to your life and its not a friendship you really value, then it's time to put some distance in.

It can be really hard being the "poorer" friend. All my friends from uni are on excellent wages (that they work really hard for and are totally deserving of) but I'm in a much, much less lucrative field (which I love and am really good at). So I had to accept that I wouldn't always be able to keep up with them on nights out or attending every fancy dinner they want to go to. Initially I put myself nearly into debt trying before realising how stupid that was. Now I'll go for the nice dinner but be careful in what I order, not drink and drive home and refuse to split the bill evenly. Or they'll all go out for dinner and I'll meet them after for a drink and drive in and have a Coke. It's her responsibility to manage her money and to be realistic about what she can and cannot afford, it's your responsibility to be thoughtful in what you organise so you aren't putting her under pressure.

bonzaitree · 09/12/2023 16:13

Meet as part of a group. Phase out meeting as a couple.

Blossomingx · 09/12/2023 16:13

I second what @quizmasterr says. If you want to continue spending time with them and money is the only issue between you, then continue seeing them, but each strictly pays for themselves whatever it is. If they disagree then you know where you stand.
Hope things go well for you.

theduchessofspork · 09/12/2023 16:21

flyingdonkey · 09/12/2023 15:41

Thank you. I'm going to be scarce and individualistic going forward.

That’s no way to live

You just need actual friends

SawX · 09/12/2023 16:27

I don't understand why so many people on MN have friends they don't like and who they know are taking advantage of them. Why would you keep seeing this person, let alone calling them a friend?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 09/12/2023 16:39

Don't eat out with her again. I had lunch a couple of times with a colleague who would order the most expensive thing on the menu and a side and an extra drink and at the end say sweetly 'shall we just split the bill'. The last time she did it I asked her to the the difference. She pretended - twice - that she hadn't heard me.

thebestinterest · 09/12/2023 16:42

Eww, OP! This friends sounds disgusting. I’d be SOOOOO turned off by anyone behaving that way. 🤮 and certainly would not be hitting them up again.

Ginandjuice57884 · 09/12/2023 16:43

I find it weird people keeping tabs on things being completely even like that but I do sort of get it. However if they have a selective memory and it's only "even" in their favour on purpose then they can fuck right off. I would have reminded them they said they'd pay for dinner next time as perhaps they forgot... Seems unlikely though?

Luxell934 · 09/12/2023 16:43

Sounds like you are actively offering to pay though?! Just stop offering and only pay for your own share. You sound like you barely like this person anyway so just stop offering to pay.

closingdownsale · 09/12/2023 16:47

Is this your only friend? I'd rather have no friends than hang out with this person. As soon as people's mental (or even actual) calculators are a part of the night this isn't a real friendship. Can you imagine this going on until you're on your death bed and they calculate exactly what size bouquet to bring to you to "be even" for good?

I know that a silly analogy, but basically, nah. This ain't a friendship, it's a transaction

wronginalltherightways · 09/12/2023 16:49

They're not your friend. I'm sorry.

Coolhwip · 09/12/2023 16:50

I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone so petty but if you do see a redeeming quality in them, I would just make sure they pay for for everything for themselves from now on. No free meals and drinks. You could even take cash in £10 and £5 notes so you just pay your share exactly so you don’t get lumbered with debit carding the bill. Make sure you give any tip directly to the server.