Telling Friend I'm Only Going On Cheap Catch-ups

[vanquest]

Not really BU as I know I'm putting myself first.
Some background- known friend since pandemic. We would go out on expensive girl-dates initiated by her where she puts me in an uncomfortable situation and I mostly end up paying the bills (usually average of £80-100).
I challenged myself to do less people-pleasing this year so, she's been texting me that we are due for another girl catch-up. We had one over Christmas that left me really out of pocket and I'm still recovering from that.
She's asked repeatedly and I then replied her saying things are financially tight and I'm only able to meet up for a cheap hot drink, nothing else. Friend read and hasn't replied for a week.
Is she taking the piss or just realised I've decided to no longer be used and has resorted to the silent treatment?
What should I do? Just ignore her?

Tell her the truth. That you always somehow end up paying so unless she's happy to pay you'll have to sit this one out.

How did you get in the position of paying the bill?

I’d leave it now….. she’ll probably text again when she knows it’s your payday… she’ll probably text asking if you could afford to meet up now…. I’d reply saying that you can’t afford it but it’s her time to treat so you’d love to….. bet she doesn’t respond again! She’s a CF!!!

Why do you want to see her at all when you've already identified that shes using you for your money?

You need to realise that you deserve better than that, and that you don't have to keep in touch with people who don't respect you.

You are hugely unreasonable for putting yourself in this situation in the first place, how the hell have you ended up being the one out of pocket every time? I’m baffled as to why and how that would happen in the first place, but for it to then keep happening when you’re clearly not happy to bankroll is bizarre.

Why are you paying the bills?

Suggest somewhere and tell her it's her turn.

Yup. Sounds like she was only interested in your money.

When you said you can only do cheap things from now on, you're not intending to still pay for her are you?

If she hasn't replied for a week, then the idea of a cheap hot drink doesn't appeal to her.
I would just leave it and wait until she does. Then maybe suggest an actual venue yourself so its clear what is on offer and see what the response is.

Have you got Mrs Doyle itis? ( from Father Ted, Mrs Doyle meets her friends for tea and they fight over who will pay) "Ah Go on...No you Go on"
I have been guilty of this myself at times. It's a conditioning, I saw as a child, usually accompanied by resentment afterwards. The person was supposed to realise but not being mind readers they didn't, a sort of hospitality obligation reflex...but in your case, the friend is def taking advantage and sometimes it feels really hard to break an established pattern, even if you are giving them a chance to realise that its a step too far and it's their turn, but that still doesn't happen.

Texting up front and making things clear at the point of arranging the meet up as you've done, is always best in these circumstances.

But. It doesn't sound as if your text specified each of you only paying for yourselves which is the real point, rather than just suggesting a cheap hot drink which doesn't sound very inviting. I'd find that quite rude and not a real invite.
Maybe she doesn't know how to reply to that part as perhaps you made her feel in the past that you were always OK with paying. We don't know the reasons you ended up paying.

Ignore the pointless comments about your use of language.

But toughen up! Don’t have anything more to do with this person and don’t fall into the same trap with new friends in future.

There are literally none of my friends who I wouldn't be very happy to meet in a coffee shop for a drink and a chat. Or meet for a cup of instant coffee in my (or their) living room, come to that. Because they're my friends and I love their company, and we would have fun. Nothing wrong with that.

If someone doesn't want to meet you for a coffee, but is quite happy to do a spa day with you when you're paying... well, do you need me to finish this sentence?

Seems to me the op's friend is not the only person who doesn't reply

This.

It’s horrible. Usually filled with typos as well.

@vanquest leave this friendship behind. New year new things. Fair things.

Well done you for stopping being a people pleaser. Unfortunately, as you have noticed, people then generally leave you, but it’s not your loss, it’s theirs

Yes, I can see how most of us could be put in an awkward situation and end up paying - once - but we’ve all got to recognise that and have a strategy for pushing back next time i.e. only taking enough cash for yourself and leaving cards at home(hide an emergency taxi fare somewhere she can’t see). When she tries it on, you you can only pay for yourself.

If you feel awkward doing that, then drop this friendship because it doesn’t actually seem to really be a friendship.

This. How does it happen you always pay?

Well, sounds like she's not really a friend if basically she's been using you to get lots of free nights out.

For the record, at various times me or other friends have been feeling the pinch and in those situations, we might meet for more than a coffee but we're pretty clear, "We're watching the pennies at the moment so how about we just meet for pizza" or "things are tight at the moment, do you want to come over here for a takeaway and a bottle of wine?" And no one blinks an eye. And then when money is less tight, we might go to some ridiculous overpriced London restaurant and drink champagne.

She’s no friend, she’s just a horrible user.
Well done for being stronger and not allowing her to take you for a mug.
Keep it up.

I mostly end up paying the bills

What, for both of you? Why?!

I would ignore her. She sounds like a twat at best and a grasping cow at worst.

Actually OP I'd text and say - Oh sorry bit short at the moment but I think it is your turn to pay so happy to have more than a hot drink . Let me know where we are going and will look forward to it.

She's taking the piss. She's no friend.

But why are you always paying?

She isn't your friend.. I had a long standing one who claimed always to be skint after kicking her twatty ex out. I paid a few lunches a week. Nowhere flash just a canny town cafe.. Until she turned up in a Mercedes convertible.. Bit too stunned to speak tbh. I faded our friendship out pdq....

I'd turn it back on her and say would love to meet up but it's her turn to pay as you have already paid the last xyz times!! Then see if she comes back. She won't though!! Sadly there are people who sponge off others all the time!!
Edited to add: Where do you go that it costs you £80-100? Spa day or similar?

Why do you always pay?
one of my best friends earns roughly 50x what I do. We don’t meet that often and he probably does pay for more rounds than me but I still pay rounds too.
if he or I said we wanted a cheap night when meeting we would do it.
Your friend is a user