Telling Friend I'm Only Going On Cheap Catch-ups

[vanquest]

Not really BU as I know I'm putting myself first.
Some background- known friend since pandemic. We would go out on expensive girl-dates initiated by her where she puts me in an uncomfortable situation and I mostly end up paying the bills (usually average of £80-100).
I challenged myself to do less people-pleasing this year so, she's been texting me that we are due for another girl catch-up. We had one over Christmas that left me really out of pocket and I'm still recovering from that.
She's asked repeatedly and I then replied her saying things are financially tight and I'm only able to meet up for a cheap hot drink, nothing else. Friend read and hasn't replied for a week.
Is she taking the piss or just realised I've decided to no longer be used and has resorted to the silent treatment?
What should I do? Just ignore her?

Thank you all for your comments.
Taking it all in.
I've been paying the entire bills when we go out.
We come from two different cultures and backgrounds that I guess has conditioned us both to be how we are. Where I come from, we don't celebrate at all and if paying bills, it's tacky to go Dutch or allow a celebrant to pay for their celebration. My friend's being raised princessy and she celebrates every little thing, her birthday, her new this, her new that, her new job, her passing probation, her one her anniversary on the new job, her charity engagements, her new cosmetic work, her this and that - to give you an idea. She's out of the country almost every other week and when she returns, she requires she goes celebrate her return. So, all of these add up and I find myself 'celebrating' her by paying the bills as it's always her day.
At some point, we discussed taking turns as I'm working on my boundaries but she always disappeared when it was her turn - her and the husband would all of a sudden become busy and she can't meet. And of course life's too short to keep scores, so months pass and I've forgotten it was her turn and I'm in a difficult spot because it's her birthday and she has to be celebrated and it's not a good time to bring up the take-turn agreement. Or months pass and she books theatre tickets and then says dinner is on me and I know the best place to go, then she books the most expensive restaurant that costs thrice the theatre tickets. Or she buys spa entrance tickets and says massage is on me, only to find out massage is thrice the spa entry fee.

Anyway, I told her when she came back from holiday that I've done a lot of reflection and do not have money to throw around anymore, so if we want to go out, it's coffee for me.
We're both financially ok and can afford these things. It's just me wanting to prop myself up, get the self esteem going and stop being used as it's just occurred to me after doing some self-work that my conditioning is not fit for dealing with life in my current generation as people are taking advantage of me.

Do you get anything out of the friendship?

So true! He did already have an amazing job then he got this. He always knew I was a true friend though

She's a one, only celebrates every occasion at someone else's expense.

She hasn't contacted you as she's probably spending her time contacting the next 'wallet' on her list.

Yes, what do you (it's clear to see what she gets out of it) get out of this friendship? Is she there when you need her? Do you have a laugh? They are supposed to be two way.

Yesterday my friend and I split two bottles of wine, did some initial wedding planning (for her) and talked out an issue i was having and how to deal with it and made a start on it, her perspective was just what I needed. We also laughed a lot and had a great time.

How do your meet ups go?

She's dropped you, OP, and good riddance! How dare she use you like that. Should you weaken and agree to meet up, order yourself just a coffee and sandwich or whatever, and firmly tell the wait staff you're having separate bills. Or, if you want to avoid confrontation, slip off to the loo, pay only yours on the way back, then when the final bill arrives, tell her it's all hers as you've paid for yours already.

Then enjoy watching her sulk when she realises you're no longer being exploited by her!

Unfortunately you've effectively told her that her cheap lunch/coffee source (because you foot most of the bill) is terminally broken. She's not actually your friend fully without conditions. In fact I think she's used and abused your good nature.
A real friend would say 'no problem lets take a flask and go for a walk in the park or to a gallery or something that's free.

OP sorry but she doesn't want to be friends with someone who isn't splashing the cash, for whatever reason.

I had to explain to big spenders that there were certain things I don't feel happy spending on. This includes my sister! They weren't thrilled but they didn't disappear because of it. One friend gave me a serious face and a talk about how people might fall away but if someone can't just hang out for coffee, they are not a real friend.

Disappearing when it's her turn - she totally knows it's her turn! Now you've set your boundary, she will likely vanish.

trash took itself out. No loss.

Oh OP, you sound like me, anything for a quiet life. It can be a recipe for disaster with the wrong people.

Yes, she's been taking you for a ride. But hurraaaaah, it sounds as though you've scared her off! Good riddance! Make 2024 the year you are more selective about friends.

My friend's being raised princessy and she celebrates every little thing, her birthday, her new this, her new that, her new job, her passing probation, her one her anniversary on the new job, her charity engagements, her new cosmetic work, her this and that - to give you an idea. She's out of the country almost every other week and when she returns, she requires she goes celebrate her return.

Good god. I’d ditch her for that alone. What an absolute fucking narcissist.

This is all very weird. I understand treating your friends and not going Dutch, but common sense is if someone has something to celebrate every other week irrespective of culture you wouldn’t have one person constantly footing the bill.

Have you posted about this before? It sounds familiar. Did you say in a previous thread that she has a partner who doesn’t give her the princess treatment she desires ?

EDIT : Oops didn’t mean to quote the whole Op!

😂😂😂

She's caught on that you're not paying for her anymore.

Unfortunately, she does sound like she using you. Her lack of response confirms it, in my opinion. Whether she's doing it intentionally or not, her habits have consistently cost you more than you feel like spending for the pleasure of going out with her. It's okay to draw some boundaries on spending, and if she's only happy if she spending (your) money, you're better off without her!

Is it worth pursuing this so called friendship? You've known her less than 4 years, and obviously for some of that time you would have been unable to socialize anyway, so it's not like this is a life long friend.

Yes, I cringed a bit when I read that

She sounds insufferable.

Yes, she is more than taking the piss, stick by your original choice for cheaper hot drinks but only if she replies.

Real friends don't treat people like that, she's a parasite, hence the reason she failed to respond to you.

She's using you.

She is conniving and only wants you around to pay for these things - I'm sure she wouldn't have so many 'celebrations' if she had to pay herself. See her for what she is, a user and not a true friends. Stand up for yourself and know your worth, you are better than this, forget her and focus on the people that are there for you too. Friendships are all about balance and there's nothing balanced with your friendship with her.

There is nothing in this friendship for you.

OP she sounds absolutely awful

She’s using you. Almost like a sugar daddy she doesn’t even have to shag. Your update is shocking.

why even see her?
friends don’t make you uncomfortable or steal by stealth !

I remember you posting about this not too long ago - the theatre/meal issue.

Am glad you've been able to state your boundaries and am sorry but not surprised that you've heard zilch from her since silence is golden for you!

Tell her you are celebrating something and rinse her for an expensive meal? Celebrating you new self esteem and enlightenment.

Fine if she insisted on paying to celebrate your events too! But she’s a user. You’ve made a good resolution; well done for sticking to it.