Telling Friend I'm Only Going On Cheap Catch-ups

[vanquest]

Not really BU as I know I'm putting myself first.
Some background- known friend since pandemic. We would go out on expensive girl-dates initiated by her where she puts me in an uncomfortable situation and I mostly end up paying the bills (usually average of £80-100).
I challenged myself to do less people-pleasing this year so, she's been texting me that we are due for another girl catch-up. We had one over Christmas that left me really out of pocket and I'm still recovering from that.
She's asked repeatedly and I then replied her saying things are financially tight and I'm only able to meet up for a cheap hot drink, nothing else. Friend read and hasn't replied for a week.
Is she taking the piss or just realised I've decided to no longer be used and has resorted to the silent treatment?
What should I do? Just ignore her?

She is such a user. I'm sorry you've gone for so long thinking that she is your friend. All she thinks about is herself.

Do you live alone? Do you go out to work (rather than working from home)? I think it would be really good for you to meet some new people. What are your interests?

Ignore her. Real friends don’t give a shit about how much money you have!

When any of us in my best friend group are a bit strapped for any reason we arrange to go for a walk and natter away whilst walking, we even bring our own home made coffee 😂… way of all of us saving money at the end of the day! Win-win.

You are so nice and deserve better. I encourage you to really say ‘of course we can do whatever you like, on you’.

I think you need a backup celebration up your sleeve. If you find it difficult to celebrate yourself how about writing down 3 things you are grateful for every week? So even if it's her birthday you throw in that you are 'celebrating' your grandmother's recovery from flu/getting a parking spot near the restaurant/your local deli now stocks your favourite cheese/you have booked a holiday. You can celebrate anything

Hi. I think she realized that she is no longer using you. Being polite is sometimes misunderstood by others. But sure, one thing is true. She is not your friend; you deserve someone who treats you well. Head up, girl.

Hi OP,
It's such a shame the way your friend is treating you - she doesn't deserve you!

I contacted my friend who lives close by and I don't get to see often because of the usual life stuff - work, kids etc, Anyway I asked to take her out for lunch to celebrate her birthday which I did. She wanted to buy a couple of drinks - I bought a couple. We had a lovely time.

Then come my birthday - she contacted me and wanted to take me out for lunch. Which she did. She did not have to take me out - I did not take her out in order to get a return but it was lovely to see her again and nice of her to think of me. If money was tight for her I would have been delighted to be invited for a meal at hers for example. It's not right for someone to be take, take, take like your friend.

I know you describe yourself as being from a culture where splitting the bill isn't usual - but you paying for everything or taking turns isn't working for you and splitting the bill, or even paying for your own, is very usual if you are in the UK. In fact I would suggest "I am only paying for my own" rather than splitting the bill as your friend sounds like someone who would get expensive things from the menu or drink cocktails while you are driving and expect you to halve the bill. That would just be swapping one unfair method for another.

Your friends is taking advantage of your kind nature and you do need to redraw your boundary. I would probably just say "with the cost of living etc etc we will need to just pay for ourselves". That way no one is taking advantage or disadvantaged financially. If you use paypal or have her set up as a payee then you can say "you pay and I'll send you my £20 now" for example - or just pay the restaurant what each of you owe. It sounds like your friend is fun and charismatic but if she won't see you unless she is exploiting your generous nature the question is are you willing to buy her friendship and how will that leave you feeling?

Well done

Just ignore her! I was ready to say YANBU based on the fact of me being tired of friends saying "I need a nightout" or "We need a catchup" and it ends up costing me £100, but that's just paying for myself. The fact that she invites you and you end up paying for her too, is cheekiness if the highest order!
Don't give it another thought, she's a user!

User.

Agree with the others, why does she think you are happy to pay 100% of the bill 100% of the time.

Let this be the first exercise in being less of a people pleaser. I'd suggest to her, your treat next time we go out, feeling the pinch my side!

Either she is mortified and says ''of course of course, sorry!'' in which case she might be a friend worth keeping. If she is offish with you brushes you off and you never hear from her again then, wow.

But it's a good lesson that you can set a boundary and the person doesn't respond with ''you're right, i've been taking advantage at your expense, this arrangement has served me not you, how remiss of me not to see this before you pointed it out my valuable generous kind friend!!'' NOPE. I tried to set a boundary with my mother and she has given me the cold shoulder for years. So, setting boundaries is a great idea. It doesn't always fix the situation but it makes you more inclined to set a more reciprocal equal tone in the future.

, why does she think you are happy to pay 100% of the bill 100% of the time.

The answer to that question is probably because OP has done it repeatedly and never raised it as a problem.

Good riddance, she doesn't sound like a friend

I think the issue is not just that the OP always ends up paying the friends bill, but that the friend always has a celebration reason for meeting up, so that she has to be feted and made much of... but this is never reciprocated for the OP. The one time her birthday was in the offing, the friend cancelled and by the time they were due to meet again, it was another celebration for the friend.
This does indicate to me that either the friend is doing this deliberately... or doesn't realise because they are so self absorbed and wrapped up in themselves that they don't even stop to consider the OP.

So even if she started paying ( and she has no shame if she hasn't realised that OP is always the one that pays) the friendship is still very unequal, with the friend thinking of herself as the Alpha. That's harder to address effectively than just the bill I think.
I was also thinking you could be a bit cheeky yourself as it seems to be
de rigueur with this friend and send her a link to the Splitwise app. https://apps.apple.com/gb/app/splitwise/id458023433

She's not a friend but a piss taker. Block her.

Next time she calls say "I'm so glad you rang! I was about to call you! Guess what? I'm celebrating: your phone call/ painting the kitchen/getting a goldfish/ managing a weekly shop for less than £100/ whatever - so you can take me out for my treat!'

See how quickly she slams the phone down.

Oh, she's awful!

I know you want to stay friends but don't you see that she isn't your friend? Friends are good to each other, that is the basic premise for friendship.

This woman abuses you; she contrives ways to put you in a position to finance her expensive tastes.

She has no interest in you, just your visa card.

I think it's wonderful that you have recognised how shallow she is and how your wellbeing is of no interest to her because its a big step towards better self care on your part.

But please don't allow her to abuse you any further. You could spend your money on therapy to help you identify your needs and boundaries, and for support as you navigate the fickle world of friendship.

I’m sorry, but I’m actually laughing at her making you pay because “she” was celebrating Christmas.

Which is celebrated by around 2.5billion people worldwide 😂

She’s got more neck than a giraffe.

Why isnt she paying half the bills.

it was just a shot... we should plan something soon

Honestly @vanquest this is code for 'not a chance I'm doing a cheap coffee meet, I'm going to wait until you've got over your humph moment and you're more likely to pay up for a more expensive thing. She thinks you're gullible enough to fall for it and normal service will resume soon.
This friend isn't worth clinging onto even if it means you don't have a close friend to go out for coffee etc with for a while. You're ND I think you said so I want to reassure you that you're not reading it wrong and you're not being unreasonable. If you are anything like me, you'll be thinking either or both those things!
PS also appreciating use of 'thrice'.

Yes, thank you. I can now see that she isn't my 'friend.' I do have a full life. I go out and do stuff. I just don't connect with people easily as perhaps most people do. I'm not lonely or in desperate need of a friend, but if I meet someone I take to, I try to keep them and I do want people I care about to feel special.
But in this case, I'd decided that whether it was today or in a million years, I won't see this friend for more than a coffee any longer.
It's just not because I don't want to pay for her. I also no longer want to waste money on overpriced things. I don't drink, so I usually have water whilst my friend indulges in the most expensive wine. Last catch-up, she nudged us to a cheap meal on the menu and said we'd have same thing, but I placed my order first and the waiter turned to her, she suddenly changed her mind and went for the most expensive meal and wine, but it was the way in which she intuitively relayed the new order off heart - it made me realise she'd planned what she wanted all along. And then she told me that I shouldn't worry as she spent same amount on theatre tickets, but that wasn't particularly fair as we both would see the play but we both aren't eating and drinking equally.
I can't remember how much it was, but assuming she spent £10 on theatre tickets, she then nudged me to eat for £3 whilst she ate for £7. And then claimed that were even as she's paid for tickets and I'm paying for food.
That was the last straw and what led me to post about it on MN a few weeks ago and from the advice I got here, I started to work on my myself and my boundaries.
You're right. I don't even want the friendship anymore. I hate to overthink things as I get confused with all these social manoeuvres. It's best I just leave it alone.

I feel really sorry for you @vanquest. You obviously have a good heart and because, by your own admission, you don’t have many friends I fear that you may not fully appreciate how a genuine, caring, loving and supportive friendship works.

True friendships are give and take and while it seems you may have enjoyed your spa days and theatre evenings, this woman is a user and sees you as a soft touch. And this is a reflection on her rather than you. She is disrespectful, has no regard for your feelings and is out for herself.

The best boundary you can set is by terminating the friendship OR stating very clearly that going forward you can only ever afford to go 50/50. Those are your two options. Dropping hints won’t work. People who show this level of CFness and brass neck only really respond when confronted with cold hard facts.

What’s wrong with that?

Hey op. I’ve been in similar situations. My extremely toxic “best friend” went through a phase of “forgetting” to bring money to enter nightclubs back in the day. In the end I stopped taking enough money for us both as she never paid me back and I’d end up at the cash machine trying to get enough cash for the taxi home. People like that are so selfish that they don’t even care about you, so as pps have said, ditch her, she’s not a friend. Never been happier since I ditched mine ❤️

I'm sorry you've gone through this OP and just chiming in to say that you've realised this person is no friend.
Can I ( respectfully !) suggest you seek out some counselling if possible, as it may help with whatever "conditioning" you've had and help you know your worth a bit more easily. I've had counselling and it was the best money I've ever spent as even just the act of going was practicing that I am worthy and that I'm prioritising myself and my mental health. It can really give you a new perspective.

I remember reading your post about the more expensive meal. Tell her - your turn to pay I think…

I agree with this, especially if you want to drop the friendship.

If she calls again you suggest an expensive place and then say "Remember I paid last time so it's your turn to pay". Rinse and repeat if necessary. She'll make some excuse and after a couple of times you won't hear from her again.