Childcare when both high earners

[Beedleneedle]

My partner today gave me shit because I haven’t got our son vaccinated against chicken pox. I suggested that it’s not impossible for him to take the day off and organise it either to which he replied he didn’t know how or where?
Neither did I until I researched it!
turns out im “better at that sort of thing”
I suggested ok, fuck it, I’ll quit my £170k a year job and then happy to cover all childcare requirements. AIBU to suggest all childcare should be 50/50 if earnings are the same?

Why wouldn't you be splitting all childcare 50/50? How do you split it now?

I wouldn't make a threat/promise to quit your job unless you're happy to follow it through, especially as you're not married.

(I would also be furious at his attitude, btw)

He sounds like a delight…

@Whataretheodds to be fair he’s not too bad, from the start of my mat leave I pretty much enforced a 50/50 approach. I guess as time goes by I’m getting more of the “you’re better at buying clothes, choosing education, making medical decisions “

Are you better? Or have you just put more thought into it by the time of comes to a conversation about it.

I wonder if you need to have a very businesslike conversation about roles and responsibilities, realign on joint overall responsibility for the child, and make sure you agree allocation (or joint responsibility for everything, work out how that will get allocated in practice - but decide before you go in which approach you would prefer).

If needed, "I'm better at everything darling but don't worry, you'll get there in the end with a bit of effort"

Your salary is irrelevant here surely? Unless you want to stealth boast.
At £170k, you could have better people (relationship) management skills, delegation skills and negotiation skills!

@User5512 well it’s not very stealthy to announce it is it. And no, I don’t need those skills in my job but thanks

@Whataretheodds thanks, I suppose I just find it frustrating he likes to have a final say on everything but doesn’t really seem to educate himself why. I doubt he has even looked at the pros and cons of vaccination so I find it a bit frustrating to be told “that’s my job” as the equivalent to him putting the bins out

I think it’s a case of re asserting some roles and responsibilities
best done in a proper conversation rather than a knee jerk reaction to an argument

realistically you’ve probably drifted into picking up the lion share of this when having maternity leave which was fair enough when ones working and the other is at home

but time to define who does what now your both working

It’s not about salary, it about hours worked. If you both work 40 hour weeks, you should share everything else equally. If one of you works less hours, they do more childcare, house stuff etc.

‘Youre better at.....’ is fine for some things if he does things he is ‘better at’, but when it comes to things to do with a child that you are both parents of, you both need to be equally capable, willing and interested. Your son is a person, not a task.

@InAFightWithGod thanks. I don’t see him as a task. I do think however both parents should make informed decisions on the important matters! Had I just gone ahead booking him in for his vaccine without running it by my partner there would have been hell to play. So I suppose I’m just a bit miffed tonight that these are “my jobs”

You absolutely do, unless you work alone in a room without windows!

This is such a small issue, I’m surprised you couldn’t have a proper conversation to set expectations before threatening to leave your <insert salary> job!

Is shooting yourself in the foot always your first option!??

And OP, in your opinion, should others with lesser salary just suck it up and do everything? It’s about the hours worked - isn’t it? Some skills pay less, but everyone has the same number of hours in a day.

"Neither do I, look online"

He’s a high earner so I assume he’s quite capable? He didn’t learn to do what he does well by chance, it was by doing it more and more. It’s the same with child rearing. If he is not very good at it, means it’s time to do more of it so that he gets better.

@User5512 well I don’t manage people, delegate or negotiate in my role.
is it such a small issue when more and more comes your way as “the woman”
I don’t think anyone on a lower salary should suck it up. However I would think if one partner earns significantly more than the other it would make sense for the lower earner to have to take on a bit more if you’re working together as a team

@PuttingDownRoots he didn’t like this response earlier but couldn’t argue against it!

My ex husband had a similar attitude. Despite us both being high earners, working long hours, somehow everything fell to me (children, house, pets, admin). Eventually I stopped asking him to pull his weight, my resentment built up, and the marriage broke down. I regret it, but short of nagging him (which is a job in itself), I don’t know what I could have done to get him to share the load.

DH and I earn way less so don’t fit your high earner criteria. But we earn similar, both full time. We share sickness 50/50 but it’s split between areas of responsibilities. I would be the one finding the vaccination and booking it. He does school work. So spelling, maths, reading, ordering CGP books. I think, like at work, it’s better if you and your partner discuss how tasks are split and each of you lead different areas. No clear responsibility means you might assume the other is handling all the mental load as the project manager. Hope that makes sense.

However I would think if one partner earns significantly more than the other it would make sense for the lower earner to have to take on a bit more if you’re working together as a team

No. Again, it’s a out hours worked, not salary that counts.

My friend is a nurse and works more hours but for less pay than her husband who is a finance manager. He therefore does more childcare and housework as he has more time than my friend does.

*about

@InAFightWithGod but if you work equal hours than this is a no brainier

“However I would think if one partner earns significantly more than the other it would make sense for the lower earner to have to take on a bit more if you’re working together as a team”

In what way does it make sense?

How is that fair to the lower earner!? That’s not how a team works. Extra time doesn’t magically appear just because someone’s skills pay less!