Childcare when both high earners

[Beedleneedle]

My partner today gave me shit because I haven’t got our son vaccinated against chicken pox. I suggested that it’s not impossible for him to take the day off and organise it either to which he replied he didn’t know how or where?
Neither did I until I researched it!
turns out im “better at that sort of thing”
I suggested ok, fuck it, I’ll quit my £170k a year job and then happy to cover all childcare requirements. AIBU to suggest all childcare should be 50/50 if earnings are the same?

BTW adding I was a SAHP for years and dh the high earner. He still managed to take our kids to appointments at time and we communicated and discussed vaccines etc.

AIBU to suggest all childcare should be 50/50 if earnings are the same?

are you saying that the lower earning parent (which often is the mother) should suck up more of the appointments to make up for the lower financial contribution?

Yes it should be equal no matter the salary (hours worked maybe). But equal doesn’t mean the same as long as you are both happy with the arrangement. I’m better at and sort of enjoy sorting the calendar, the clubs/parties/medical appointments, clothes and present shopping etc. my oh rubbish at it but better at cooking with efficiency and keeping on top of the kitchen daily etc. we don’t see a problem with playing to our strengths / preferences. that’s not to say we don’t sometimes get fed up and have a rant about always having to do xyz so should ideally communicate better if it’s getting too much

@Jellycatspyjamas i was just expressing my opinion on a significant salary difference, not my position.
My child will be vaccinated, im just frustrated that by default it will be me organising it

So when it comes to frames and coatings you know from personal experience which ones are a rip off?

To be fair I actually told one of their children to go with the parent who wears glasses because they changed the parent they went with and then were moaning about their new glasses.

You have a valid gripe. High earner/low earner issue aside, you and your DH should have equal rest/leisure time outside working hours. If he's allocating all the shit to you on the basis that "you're better at it", then he's encroaching on your leisure time.

Say to him, "I might be better at it, but that doesn't mean that I enjoy it. So you need to remember to bring your brain cells home from work so you can do your share, because I'm not picking up after you."

In many jobs it would be easier for the higher earner to take a few hours off without losing pay, it's often more flexible. I'm on £20k and would have to take a half day holiday.

@Fedupandconfused0815 i can’t say for sure as it’s not a situation I’ve been in, but yes, I would think if one partner earns significantly more than the other this would be my stand.

poor child won’t get chicken pox but stuck with these two, and a mother that i suspect constantly throws at their father how superior she is because she earns 4x what he does

I disagree. having been the lower earner, I couldn’t ‘afford’ to take all the time off. Not financially. But work wise. It was looked down on and questioned as to why I was always the one to take time off.

I’m still the lower earner, but DH now works from home and has a lot more flexibility. So as DD has got older he’s picked up more of the slack. So it’s evening out now.

Still can’t get him to run the bloody washing machine though.

@Reugny I used google of asked advice from friends. They didn’t know this stuff until they had to after all. You read stuff and listen, that’s how you learn it. I’d never just think I’m not capable of taking my children to appointments because I personally haven’t been through it. That’s weird. I want to know everything about things concerning my children, I don’t just pass it on to their dad because he may have experience.

As others have said, mostly people tend to play to their strengths and the work of life is divided equally. So I tend to do more kids and people stuff (communicating with school/nursery, appts, actual physical caring, organising and communicating with the cleaner, service people like plumbers, painters etc) and DP does more of what I consider "the boring stuff" - laundry, finances, insurances, the WiFi, utilities. It probably doesn't work out exactly 50/50 every week, but in the round it feels fair to both of us. That's what you should be striving for. But it's not for your DH to allocate you "your" jobs. It should be a discussion or a natural accommodation you arrive at together.

Well someone has to take ultimate responsibility.

@plumberdrain yes poor child. Both parents earn the same, I don’t see myself as superior whatsoever and in fact asking for equality

It's your equal responsibility to sort these things out. My husband took our kids for all of their jabs. I did all of the school and nursery open days. We divide and conquer. So I agree with you on that.

You probably know this but you need to watch out that this creeping resentment doesn't start to chip away at your marriage. It's a communication problem. You need to work as a team and that can't be done by just telling each other what jobs you expect the other one to do. You should be asking who's got more capacity in any given week, who wants to do what, "do you think we should" etc. If you go too far down the "you vs me" road it will be hard to keep the relationship intact long term.

And to add, it's probably your partner who needs to get his head round that!

Yanbu

so how come you have spent most of the thread waffling about about lower earners responsibilities versus higher earner?

@stcrispinsday

My husband took our kids for all of their jabs. I did all of the school and nursery open days. We divide and conquer.

you got lucky!

".. it would make sense for the lower earner to have to take on a bit more..."

And this is why YABU.

It's not about earnings. At all. It's about time. If two people work similar hours, then the parenting load should be similarly shared.

I earn less than my DP, but I'm in a higher level role, work more hours, and have significantly more responsibility (I'm education sector, he's a software engineer) - by your argument I should pick up more of our home life and child management because he earns more than me.

He starts work at 10.30am, at home, finishes by 6.30pm, and has an hour lunch break. I leave for work between 7 and 8.30am, and finish usually by 6pm - but often 7.30pm and then drive home. And I have lunch on the fly.

He earns more, but also does more, because he also has more time.

Earnings are absolutely nothing to do with contributions at home - an hour of your time isn't worth more at home, just because it is at work 🙄.

Erm, why?
How disrespectful to the lower earner 😲

Agreed!

@plumberdrain leave the thread then? I stated my opinion on significant salary differences and how I believe it would influence my life.

No, you can’t go on and on about the parent earning more should do less work and then come out with this statement. Earlier on you were insistent that the person who earns more should do less with no mention of hours, and I used random numbers to show the weakness in your argument. If both parents work equal numbers of hours, then both parents should put equal hours and effort into the running of the household and childcare. How you spilt those tasks is between you and your DH. However, you made no mention of equal hours initially, you talked about who earned more. I think you are confused.

If you're both mega high earners can you not pay a nanny or someone to take your child to appointments? Just a thought