Childcare when both high earners

[Beedleneedle]

My partner today gave me shit because I haven’t got our son vaccinated against chicken pox. I suggested that it’s not impossible for him to take the day off and organise it either to which he replied he didn’t know how or where?
Neither did I until I researched it!
turns out im “better at that sort of thing”
I suggested ok, fuck it, I’ll quit my £170k a year job and then happy to cover all childcare requirements. AIBU to suggest all childcare should be 50/50 if earnings are the same?

Someone wrote elsewhere, "you have a problem. Both of you work towards solving the problem, and not work against each other about the problem".

@plumberdrain

Also:

"My initial issue here, was with all being equal (salary, hours, wfh) was just simply a rant about being expected to do the traditional women’s work, take the time off for appointments by default etc"

Equal salary, and other follow on posts

This thread is a mess because you've linked 50/50 responsibility to salary

ah the title yes but then off on tangent about disparity between low and high earners. derailed her own thread!

Well I imagine this thread didn’t go in the direction OP expected.

Tbh I think you’ve got bigger problems in your relationship if you’d ‘have hell to to pay’ because of a chicken pox vaccine.

Though things should be 50/50 I don’t think it’s quite so clear cut. We have a good balance but at times that balance isn’t directly cut down the middle. Work as a team.

Eg. I booked and took DC for chicken pox vaccine because they were breastfed and breastfeeding would bring thing comfort during jab. I arranged it because it had to fit with my calendar.

I’m on maternity leave at the moment, when I go back to work DH will cover more sick days than me as I get my feet back under the table at work.

DH finds it easier to get up in the morning so he does more 6am starts with our toddler.

We share the cooking and nursery runs 50/50.

Whoever has chance does the shopping.

Also don’t be a martyr by not asking him to do things and expecting to just happen. Eg. You could have said I’ve been looking up the chicken pox vaccine. If I send you the link could you book it in and take DC please?

I also like the idea that not everyone has 100% to give every day. I think there’s a book about it. Some days I might be operating at 20% so I need DH to do 80% of the life stuff.

Obviously the above only works if you have a partner who respects you and wants to be involved in his family.

Yes!

Oooft. I’d be absolutely livid if my partner ever suggested that I take on more responsibility because I’m the lower earner. Unless the lower earnings are linked to part time/lower hours, I’d think that was a total arsehole’s viewpoint.

So did you just come here to moan about something and not want to do anything about it?

My mistake - I should have asked whether you wanted sympathy or advice or both.n

So how did you work as a team? How did you turn this conversation around and agree responsibilities as basic as healthcare?

All parenting should be equal, regardless of salary.

The only time one may take on an extra load is when one person works less.

His attitude is vile but this isn’t about how much you make.
It doesn’t matter if you’re on £170k a year and he’s on £20k, if you both work FT.
You are both equal parents.

OK, here’s a practical solution. Get one of those ‘To-do’ apps where you can share lists. There are loads of them.

You both add jobs to the list as they come up ‘Research vaccination’ ‘Book dentist appointment’ ‘MOT car’ ‘Get birthday card for X’ (let’s face it, it’ll probably be you adding most of them).

Then the deal is you both check it every couple of days and tick something off. You could even make a note of who has done each task so you can add them up at the end of the month and see if it’s worked out fairly.

More important than arguing with your DP is actually getting your son vaccinated . One of you can surely make time to get it done . What will happen when he goes to school if you two are permanently too busy to take him .

This is the living proof that a lot of money doesn't equal life skills, communication skills and time management skills🤣

2 high earners and they can't manage 1 kid (money for a nanny,for a cleaner, and so on). But enough time to post the 'drama' situation on MN.

We've had at least three when I've not been on maternity leave, and probably a similar number of other medical appointments (we didn't have this set up while I was on mat leave.) I also particularly dislike HV appointments, so very happy with the split we have. Obviously as they age out of being with a HV, this will change and DH will do something else instead.

This is a toxic attitude, I think. You are essentially telling your partner that their time is “worth” less than yours, and not just in the monetary sense. I would hate to have my partner constantly on about how much less I earn than them (I’m actually the slightly higher earner), and weaponise that for family and domestic issues.

If you’re better at medical decisions, then your decision not to look into it and book it is the better decision.

If he thinks having it is a better decision, he’s wrong that you’re better at medical stuff, and provided you agree he’s welcome to facilitate his decision.

Be clear now that there is no special skill involved in knowing what size clothes your child wears and buying them when required. And he if he purposely sabotages that, he goes back out to buy the right thing. And then decide if you really need to stay with him.

Some people ARE better at some things. Isn't that part of being in a partnership?
And don't forget the NHS advice: increased child vaccination could lead to increased adult shingles.

His reaction speaks to deeply ingrained sexism and his approach is maddening.

I agree that 50/50 sounds fair. However it sounds like you haven't agreed what 50 belongs to each of you. Had you explicitly agreed between you that vaccinations were his responsibility? If not things will obviously fall down the cracks as you are both busy.

One thing I would add is that a 50/50 or other broadly equal split arrangement, while definitely often fair and the right call, actually does generate more work for both parties.

This is because it involves a degree of "project management" - not only do tasks need doing but you need to do the work to decide who does what. AND you have to coordinate with each other. No point one person booking a vaccination appointment the same time someone else books a playdate and then having an argument about a clash. Whereas, if there's a default primary parent, they do everything, they have total view of the diary, schedule etc ... To split things means there is an extra 10% on top of the 50/50% that is the work of administrating the 10%. It isn't a reason not to work that way but you have to be honest about that and lean into it.

@Beedleneedle yep female equals assigned all tasks.

Seemingly and I don't remember this myself we were taken aside at birth and had a chip inserted in our brain that has all of the information required to raise a child.

You know what? Even if this couple actually had agreed that getting vacccinations was the OP’s responsibility, no loving couple should be “giving shit” to each other about the occasional slip up, especially with something comparatively minor.

This is not a boss/employee or parent/child dynamic.

I’m not sure I agree with you OP, it’s more than just salary.

I earn a 6 figure salary and work part time (four days). My husband works full time and his salary is 3-4 times mine. If I took the view that because I earn less, childcare is more on me, then my career would massively suffer, and my career is important too. Why shouldn’t it be? Fortunately my husband appreciates that and we do split it, except we do try to arrange any appointments for my non working day as that makes obvious sense.

what form of childcare do you use?

I would say these types of arguments aren’t that common between 2 high earners because, as in our case in this house, it would be the nanny who would run around taking the kids to appts.

Often though, I would want to be there for things like vaccinations so if my diary allowed I would work around it.

And they have realised it’s wrong to make children suffer unnecessarily in order to prevent shingles in other adults, and will now be offering the chicken pox vaccine as part of its routine childhood vaccinations, like many other countries do.

Hmm. When I was the lower earner I was out of the house for 8 hours a day and DH was out of it for 14 usually and sometimes weeks. We rendered the same input into our "Team" the family.

I am not sure I recall even discussing the DC's vaccinations except for an early "oh the vaccination leaflets are a bit skimpy - I need to look into it more before we proceed".

TBH is you have £340,000 pa coming in, can't you and DH make the decision and sub contract the leg work to a nanny? Similarly cleaning and laundry to a cleaner, order in quality ready meals/quick and easy ingredients, prepared salads, etc.

Why argue when there are simple solutions to fix the quantity and quality of lifemin and childcare. It isn't rocket science and if you can earn £170,000 each you surely have the skills to streamline domestic responsibilities.

Childcare and decisions around the children shouldn’t be defaulted towards the women just because she is a woman. However when both partners have busy schedules it does need planning together about who will do what so the default is assumed as ‘mum will take care of it’.

The parent with the the most flexible schedule may find week day stuff easier to fit in. On high salaries then bringing in outside help is also an option such as hiring a nanny to take children to appointments during a working day.

Ultimately though both parents brought a child into the world and both need to take time to care for the child and give them attention.