Childcare when both high earners

[Beedleneedle]

My partner today gave me shit because I haven’t got our son vaccinated against chicken pox. I suggested that it’s not impossible for him to take the day off and organise it either to which he replied he didn’t know how or where?
Neither did I until I researched it!
turns out im “better at that sort of thing”
I suggested ok, fuck it, I’ll quit my £170k a year job and then happy to cover all childcare requirements. AIBU to suggest all childcare should be 50/50 if earnings are the same?

If one partner is earning 30k and the other earning 200k, I would think that it would make sense for the lower earner to take time off for family appointments

This is the problem when people let their salaries define them. I’m saying this as a high earner making significantly more than OP.

Let’s clarify this for you OP:
Person 1: A tech manager - Makes £200k (2days wfh)
Person 2: NHS nurse -making £40k (5 days a week, hospital job)

Who should do a “bit more” at home? Think again?

My DH is a high earner so i work PT to maintain my own career but accept I’m not progressing right now. When I was looking at taking a more full on role we explored the possibility of a nanny, in your shoes that’s what I’d do. If they’re school aged I’d look for a nanny/housekeeper and make sure that free my time was spent as far as possible with the kids and not doing life admin. Even now I have a cleaner and someone who does the ironing.

@User5512 bloody hell, you probably do earn significantly more than me because you chat the same shit my managers do.
I don’t define myself by my salary, im sorry you’ve got so caught up on that particular detail and don’t seem to be able to move on.
Why are you now comparing a role with wfh to one on site?

You said you're both high earners.
Do you both work full time?
Equal time wfh/out of the house?

You need to discuss allocation of roles and responsibilities, as I said.

If one partner is earning 30k and the other earning 200k, I would think that it would make sense for the lower earner to take time off for family appointments

I think it should be shared, as it shows a lack of respect for the other person and their career if not. It’s also important for your relationship with each other and your child to both do things like appointments, school workshops etc where possible.

Ime, many higher paying jobs come with much more flexibility than lower paid ones anyway, depending on the job.

Yes if both have to take unpaid time, but not otherwise. I earn a lot more than DH but my job is also a lot more flexible. I can flex around (eg) a vaccination appointment if needed whereas he'd have to take a day's leave and wouldn't necessarily be able to.

I agree with others - it's hours worked but also splitting up skills. Obviously anyone can research where to get a vaccination, but it's worth considering whether this type of thing should be you or him - see the example a previous poster gave on child health v education.

That says, it is very very easy for the whole mental load to fall on one person (usually the woman in a hetro couple) and hard to sort that out once it's done on both sides. If you usually do this sort of this you will be better at it. That means accepting him being worse at it whilst he gets used to doing it (and possible forever accepting it not being how you would do it). The issue is if you don't do that, you easily slide into learned incompetence - which is what it looks like has happened here.

Easier said than done to deal with it though, can't say I've worked that out. I out earn my husband, work longer hours and still pick up most of the mental load. A lot of it though is me not being (in practice rather than willingly) able to accept things not working the way I think they should and him feeling the need to keep checking with me because he's worried I'll get upset with him for doing it wrong.

Why?

@User5512 if my partner was to earn 4 times my salary yes I would probably take on more of the life admin that required an impact on working hours as obviously it would be less detrimental to our lifestyle if the lower earner was to lose their job

You’re describing DH and me.

He earns the mega bucks WFH with flexible hours and freedom to leave his desk whenever he wants to.

I earn £30k managing a team and working with the public for fixed hours.

If a child needs picking up from school or taking to an appointment, DH does it.

Silly sweeping statements like yours make you sound a bit foolish and patronising.

If you both work the same number of hours, you both have the same time for life admin. Why would you need to do more just because someone earns more if you both have the same time not working?

seriously?? some empathy goes a long way OP !!

You need to really detach the salary element from this. It’s not about the salary at all. It’s about the hours in a day, human need to rest and recover.

Of course yanbu.
If he is capable of earning a 6 figure salary he is capable of doing a quick google.

"You are Better At This Sort of Thing" translates to "I am a misogynistic arsehole and that is women's work"

The emotional labour of organising hair appointments, dentists appointments, shoe fitting and vaccinations is all part of childcare and should be split 50:50 if he isn't a misogynistic arsehole.

He’s sexist.

He is realizing how much work it is having a kid, and how unwork friendly it is, and he wants to offload that to you. Because you are a woman, this seems fair to him because of his sexism.

Having kids is really hard if you both work full time.

All the high flyers I know either have one SAHP or a full time nanny.

I don't know but if you're both earning £170k a year you're bloody minted!

Well it wouldn't. The employers expect them both to be at their job.

50/50.

I think OP might be on the wind up, either that or they have a fucked up thought process...that working the same hours as a partner, you get to do less at home if you happen to be better paid. It’s a terrible attitude imo.

You are the one caught up on salary! Not me!

if multiple unconnected people are telling you the same thing, may be it’s not “shit” ?

I earn nearly that much, my DH hates me using my " managment skills" at home.

That doesn't make any sense. Getting paid more money p/h doesn't magically mean you have more headspace or hours in the day. It's about hours worked and equal leisure time. Being paid more at work doesn't mean your free time is worth more than someone who gets paid less.

@Beedleneedle why would you have to chk with your dh before getting dc vaccinated?
In our house one of us, probably me, would have said dc was vaccinated today for chicken pox.
Other parent would reply, great, how did it go?

Why? Because it brings in accountability and objectivity ?

guess I’ll go book that chicken pox vaccine

@Whataretheodds really? That's the question you ask?

Because it suggests their is a hierarchy in the relationship, like there is between a manager and staff, not equality. As there should be in a marriage.