Childcare when both high earners

[Beedleneedle]

My partner today gave me shit because I haven’t got our son vaccinated against chicken pox. I suggested that it’s not impossible for him to take the day off and organise it either to which he replied he didn’t know how or where?
Neither did I until I researched it!
turns out im “better at that sort of thing”
I suggested ok, fuck it, I’ll quit my £170k a year job and then happy to cover all childcare requirements. AIBU to suggest all childcare should be 50/50 if earnings are the same?

*It would impact the lower earner more if you divorced though. They need their job.

Their job is as important to them in all the ways yours is to you.

Telling someone you regard their job as less important, for whatever reason, throws a pretty large bomb into your relationship.

You have not made a clever argument. You have shown you have a pretty low understanding on how relationships work.*

👆🏻 THIS!

@Azandme no I’ve already stated previously all things are comparable re hours and flexibility

Researching it is your share so acting on it is his share

I think planned time off should be split 50/50 regardless

Emergancy/last minute leave should be as close to 50/50 as it can get taking into account that one person's job might be to stop other people dying or be more important for them to be in at exam season or tax year end.

Bit shit for the children

Surely the issue here is less about who does what and more about the fact that when the husband realised the child had not had the chicken pox vax he “gave [OP] shit”?

Any sensible couple would have a chat long the lines of “Has DS been vaccinated? No? Oops we’d better sort that out then. Have you got time to investigate, or shall I look into it?”. No blame slinging about something where they had clearly never agreed respective responsibilities and definitely no assumption it is the wife’s job. The husband sounds like an arse.

@Fedupandconfused0815 i can’t say for sure as it’s not a situation I’ve been in, but yes, I would think if one partner earns significantly more than the other this would be my stand.

You can’t see how this stance often disadvantages women? She’s on maternity leave so childcare tasks fall to her, then she returns to work - possibly part time because she earns less and it’s not worth the childcare costs. She earns less so she picks up childcare related tasks, she doesn’t go for promotion because it would impact her being able to do school drop offs, medical appointments etc. So her career takes a hit while he continues his Very Well Paid Job. And reinforces that because she earns less she needs to do more of the childcare tasks. And now she’s “better” at it because he never does it. Ad Infinitum.

Or.... on a joint household income of 340k, pay someone else to do it? 🤷‍♀️

I guess the reason why you’re getting so many comments is because you mentioned high earners and salary OP- I tend to agree it was unnecessary, you could have left it at “similar wages”. I also think it’s more relevant if you both work exactly the same amount of hours per week- similar earnings but whoever works a bit less takes on a little bit more childcare obviously. That’s how I’d see it. My husband and I both work, I’m in charge of morning routines and he evenings. On his days off (he has one more day off than me) I do ask him to do shopping/do washing etc if it hasn’t been done, seeing as he’s at home and I’m not. I guess you just have to come to a compromise you’re both happy with- taking turns on medical appointments/ parents evenings/ looking after sick child and things like that.
I do hate the excuse “you’re just better at it” whenever anyone says it - that’s the perfect reason for them to take over, there’s clearly a learning gap they need to learn to fill in case something was ever to happen to you.

I can understand your opinion that if one earns significantly less than the other, it makes sense for that person takes on more childcare duties BUT ONLY in the sense that it would be much more financially difficult if the higher earner lost their wages through not being available at work. In any other sense, no I’m sorry, if you need both salaries you are equals and no one should be made to feel what they do in life makes them less important. I think it’s still a much safer option to try to make it a more even share - so that it doesn’t cause marital problems.
So it’s much less about salary than it is about being equal and treating each other with respect.

I'm not sure what earnings have to do with this to be honest. The issue here, and it's a well trodden path, is women taking on the mental load that men just don't. I'd consider DH and I to be high-earners although not in MN terms (combined income around the same as OPs). DH takes on his fair share of child related tasks like school runs, time off sick etc but things like making appointments fall to me. I have given up on things like that if I'm honest but I refuse to do practical things that he is perfectly capable of doing. I'm currently sitting in bed drinking tea while he sorts kids for school for example. Seems to work.

@backinthebox so because I didn’t mention equal hours you assumed unequal hours? It’s a pretty bold yet useless move

@lunarleap

Oh I totally agree! But so is having two parents squabbling over taking him/ her to an appointment 🤷‍♀️ So I was thinking of other options since they're a wealthy family.

I wouldn't have got into any of this back and forth tbh, I'd just take my child. But that's me.

OP, you’ve confused your own thread! You earn the same and he’s treating you as default parent. That’s not ok. Put a stop to it now.

But, saying that if a parent worked the same or more hours, but earned less, that they should make up for that by doing more childcare or life admin, is madness.

I totally get where you're frustrated but have you thought about just splitting the different roles for childcare to make it clearer and easier on you both.

So if you've researched and looked at the pro's and cons of a situation and decide to book it, why does he have to spend time researching it too? He could just trust you to make informed decisions and same for him and his responsibilities for childcare. We do that as things can get overwhelming. So for instance, my husband is in charge of swimming lessons and beavers. Anything to do with either is up to him. I'm in charge if packed lunches, food shopping, medical etc.

If you're both limited on time this may make things easier.

no - it’s basically been the entire thread

when in actual fact you earn the same.

presumably nanny? so why not delegate?!

Oh and I earn more than DP, but my job is more flexible precisely because I'm the higher earner. It comes with more freedom and autonomy to choose my own hours. Therefore I'd take these things on at home more than DP does purely because it's easier with the greater flexibility I have in my job.

I agree that amounts on paper are irrelevant and I don't know why that's been brought into it.

You have sent your own thread off on a complete irrelevant tangent to your situation!

What’s quite comforting is that despite a family earning more than £300,000 combined, there can be this underlying resentment and petty back and forth over what’s fair.

We earn £55,000 (so £250,000 less than you do!) as a family but we work well together, have defined roles and things run well. I earn more but I don’t see my husbands contribution as less, my job is more enjoyable with better ‘extras’. It’s about what works as a family.

I can see what you're saying but I think what the OP is saying so that their responsibilities at work are very similar. My husband is a high earner in a very big job and his work load and hours are insane! It's not your standard full time role and really dominates our lives and schedule.

It must be very challenging juggling two people in roles like that.

This is a very good point. I actually earn slightly more than DH. I do more childcare as he works more hours. And MN may be horrified by this but I do, and have always done, all night time wakings, because DH drives a lot as part of his job. I WFH at a computer. Only one of us is able to end up dead because we're tired at work.

@1AngelicFruitCake yes it has crossed my mind is it all worth it. Probably not

I would say it makes sense for the one with the most leave to take time off for these. Which might well be the higher earner. If equal amounts of leave, take it in turns.

(Our agreement is that DH does health visitor appointments and I do other medical appointments, which probably ends up more or less 50-50 and means we always know who's handling what.)

You have backtracked. You clearly said it should be equal because pay was equal. It is difficult to sympathise with you about your husband's sexist attitude when honestly your attitude is sexist too.

And honestly, your poor kid. It sounds like divorced parents always saying "it's your turn! No, it's your turn!" Just someone step up and take your child for the fecking vaccine. Go for a cake afterwards and enjoy these short years.

Agreed! It's not about who earns the most! What a disrespectful attitude

I don't know what childcare arrangements you have but when my kids were young we had an amazing nanny/housekeeper as we were both high earners. My nanny would book stuff, take kids to routine appointments, make food, do laundry etc. It was a real godsend and enable both of us to maintain busy jobs and not spend all weekend doing life admin
I agree though that DP should pull his weight on all this stuff !