Childcare when both high earners

[Beedleneedle]

My partner today gave me shit because I haven’t got our son vaccinated against chicken pox. I suggested that it’s not impossible for him to take the day off and organise it either to which he replied he didn’t know how or where?
Neither did I until I researched it!
turns out im “better at that sort of thing”
I suggested ok, fuck it, I’ll quit my £170k a year job and then happy to cover all childcare requirements. AIBU to suggest all childcare should be 50/50 if earnings are the same?

Because it suggests there is a hierarchy in the relationship, like there is between a manager and staff, not equality. As there should be in a marriage.

I don't think your child's health is the appropriate battle ground for this. Either you want them vaccinated or you don't.

Your husband needs to take on responsibility but your attitude that lower paid jobs don’t matter and you can leave work at the drop of the hat is really poor. Im a nurse, don’t earn loads and a lot less than DH but the impact on me cancelling a clinic to collect a sick child etc is far bigger than on him who could continue to wfh and work later to make up for it.
So I say YABU just for your shitty attitude towards lower paid jobs which are still important.

Just hire someone to do the life admin for you

Another conversation about 5050 is needed.

For me to accept it as "my job" he needs to do more of something else. So yes, I'll take those decisions but he needs to do the cooking all week.

I don't necessarily disagree with you OP.

I'm just thinking that if I was in a job with a whopping salary and DH wasn't, I'd expect him to pick up more slack at home (regardless of hours worked)

I wouldn't like a 50/50 split of everything home-based in that situation either.

However, thats not your situation cos youre both earning big money. In that case, I do agree with the others that you need to talk because both of you earning similar etc.

@lunarleap yh I'm not a fan of the vibe here. It's important to split the domestic and childcare jobs between a couple (high earners or not) but the bickering over who books a vaccination appointment suggests a little bit of a perspective issue.

@GotMooMilk im sorry you’ve taken it that way, that’s not my attitude at all. I just believe you should work as a team.

It would impact the lower earner more if you divorced though. They need their job.

Their job is as important to them in all the ways yours is to you.

Telling someone you regard their job as less important, for whatever reason, throws a pretty large bomb into your relationship.

You have not made a clever argument. You have shown you have a pretty low understanding on how relationships work.

Stealth boast. Well done.

but you were on maternity leave and presumably he was at work…. so how did 50:50 work?

Nope.

Two of my SILs were earning less than my brothers when they had children.

When one of their children needed hospital treatment it made sense for my brother to stay in.

Why? Because my brother had the most flexible employer who allowed him to make up time later or take time off.

Anyway long term result is my then lower earning SILs out earn my brothers. In one case by a hell of a lot.

I have had colleagues in similar relationships.

@35and3 yeah nothing quite like it on an anonymous forum

You don’t do performance appraisals. But if you are managing expectations and negotiating deadlines, you have those skills. How do you deal with difficult colleagues? Do you threaten to quit or will you find a way to get them to do their shit?

some actionable insights :

1. Have a conversation and set expectations
2. Set rules : Do-er decides
3. assign tasks and set reminders (on calendar if you use iPhones)
4. set aside time weekly for you both to go over the “backlog”, assign tasks and set reminders.

My husband is just like your partner. The above works for me.

One of you has to be the better person - the vaccination is important regardless of whether you earn an obscene amount of household income.

isnt it too late now? Mine have had their chicken pox vaccines but there’s plenty of other illnesses to contend with.

DH and I do pretty much the same time for the same salary, but in two different organisations.

I do most of the day to day life admin, including for 13 year old DD as required. DH does most of the bigger stuff that has to be done every now and again (think things like insurance, utilities, car servicing etc.). And both of us would check in with the other one to see who can more easily take a day off/work from home if we need to be around for anything.

I don't think you can look at childcare in isolation, you have to look at everything that needs doing to make family life work, and then decide if you've got an equal spilt.

Ahhh the chicken pox vaccine….

My DH and i actually had the chicken pox fight too 😅
I booked the app for him to get the ball rolling and it then wasn’t convenient due to a client meeting so I left it with him to organise.
it was a bit of a shag and he took public transport (against my advice) which was carnage 😅but he got there in the end… fyi boots do Saturday apps for chicken pox.

My DH also used to go on about “doing things together” for our dd.
No. Just no.
we have clear swim lanes now. This works better and is a fairer way to work imo.

for example he is responsible for teeth in totality
this is everything dental ever (buying the correct stupid brushes and paste, the appointments and doing the actual brushing)
I will sub in if he is away but otherwise it’s 100% on him.

If you want your child to be vaccinated, one of you sorts it. Then next time something comes up, the other takes their turn. Overall, things should be shared if you’re working equal hours.

I think you need to sort your relationship issues out. You should be working together and you’re not. He needs to stop thinking of you as the default parent but you need to realise that a high salary doesn’t mean doing less towards home snd childcare. You’ll end up with a bad relationship, with a child that only goes to the ‘default’ parent and a lot of resentment towards each other.

@User5512 if my partner was to earn 4 times my salary yes I would probably take on more of the life admin that required an impact on working hours as obviously it would be less detrimental to our lifestyle if the lower earner was to lose their job

But you’ve said you’re both high earners, so that argument doesn’t really fly. Besides which the “I earn more so let’s focus on my career, cos if I lose my job…” has kept men in strong careers while women take pin money jobs because he earns more. Both people in a couple should take an equal hit on their careers and have equal opportunity to progress which means sacrifice for both.

If you’re both high earners are you really going to lose your job because you took time to get your child vaccinated?

However I would think if one partner earns significantly more than the other it would make sense for the lower earner to have to take on a bit more if you’re working together as a team

I am also baffled as to how you think this statement makes sense or is in any way fair. What you are basically saying is that if Parent A earns 100k for their 30 hr a week job and Parent B earns 60k for their 45 hr a week job, it makes sense to you that Parent B takes on more work! Which is shit for Parent B. It’s a pretty entitled way of thinking.

If you are truly working together as a team, you sit down and work out who is going to do what. Even if that discussion means you are going to book in vaccinations and he is going to take out the bins - and once you have established who ‘owns’ which job you don’t nag, interfere or query unless the other partner seems to be struggling then you ask if they need help. But if you are working equal hours in your jobs, you should be putting equal hours into running the household and childcare responsibilities. If you are bothered by doing all the child-related jobs, offer to do all the non-child jobs such as putting the bins out, managing household finances, DIY tasks, etc.

In our household I do do all the child related tasks (yes, even on my highly paying job, the horror!) but I have no idea which electricity company we are with, don’t get involved in ensuring we are on the best mortgage deal, never put the bins out, and haven’t touched an iron in decades. DH has no idea how the kids got into school or where their uniforms come from, has never taken them to the hairdressers or dentist, and so on. What does make sense is for someone in the household to be responsible for each task and to ensure that task is done properly. It would be madness for both of you to waste energy and time on both becoming familiar with the same task.

Btw I am curious to know what area you work in where you need no apparent people skills at all. I work with just one other person in a locked box 6 miles above the ground and I need people skills more than you might ever imagine!

THIS 🏆

You have to look at something like this in the round. As it happens, I do more of the sorting things out around the children & DH does things like plan & book holidays (the extent of my knowledge often is simply that we're going skiing) and other "projects" like that. It works for us as my job is usually more consistent in terms of hours whereas his has more peaks & troughs.
We do, though, both have full authority in our areas. If it was a vaccination issue, I would mention it to DH but he would rely on me to have researched it in the same way that I rely on him to have researched a holiday or car or similar.

However I would think if one partner earns significantly more than the other it would make sense for the lower earner to have to take on a bit more if you’re working together as a team

it’s not about earning
it is about time ie you seem to think the higher earner should take on less simply. by y virtue of earning more but what if the lower earner works more hours?

Absolutely agree with this tbh.