Childcare when both high earners

[Beedleneedle]

My partner today gave me shit because I haven’t got our son vaccinated against chicken pox. I suggested that it’s not impossible for him to take the day off and organise it either to which he replied he didn’t know how or where?
Neither did I until I researched it!
turns out im “better at that sort of thing”
I suggested ok, fuck it, I’ll quit my £170k a year job and then happy to cover all childcare requirements. AIBU to suggest all childcare should be 50/50 if earnings are the same?

DH earns more than that and I’m a SAHM, he’s still managed to book DD a dentists appointment and take her to it the other week. Tasks should depend on time available for either party rather than wage. But yeah he basically thinks you should do it because you have a vagina.

But if the lower earner always takes time off surely they’re far more likely to lose their job than either partner would be if you either shared time off equally or based it on flexibility.

DH and I are both teachers and every time one of us has to take time off we calculate who will miss which classes and how much that will matter to them at that point in the year etc (we’ve even had one of us stay home for morning then the other stay home for the afternoon). Surely the person whose absence will make less of an impact on the job on that day should be the one who misses work?

It's not really about who earns what, or who works what, it's about teamwork, and both adults pitching in as and when needed. My DH earns significantly more than me. He works 2 days in the office, 2 at home, and then he's done for the week. I work five days a week in a physical job, outside the home, and my salary isn't even a tenth of what his is. If the school rang saying an ill child needed picking up on a day DH was at home, either working, or on his extra day off, are you saying as the lower earner, I should leave my job to go and do that, when DH could do it, and cause him far less disruption? We share everything as fairly and equally as possible, DH may earn more than me, but he's also at home alot more, so he does alot of the housework, childcare, school runs etc on top of his job. My job is also much more physically demanding, DH recognises this, and is more than happy for me to rest, and have a lie in if he's around for the school run, as he knows he can then come home and log on, and not have to really move, but once I'm at work I'm on my feet all day.

You are caught up on your salary, which is why you mentioned it.

DH earns double what I do and I work less hours (3.5 less). Generally my job is more flexible. However, each week that something crops up and we need to manage time out of childcare, it’s a discussion about what each other has on that week. Just because my job is lower paid and generally more flexible, it doesn’t mean I’m default for taking time off.

I do more admin relating to our child because I’m working a few less hours but everything else needs to be equal because the admin of a child is a lot.

As salary is clearly a defining role in your relationship and your individual self worths, then up his financial contribution as payment for your time doing the project management of raising children. It’s quite clear your partner doesn’t recognise the admin that goes into raising children. It has nothing to do with being higher earners and more to do with your partner thinking it’s a woman’s work - which can happen at any salary band and so bringing salary into it is irrelevant. If you were earning £20k and he was earning £200K, would you still throw an empty threat out to quit your job? Even if you loved your job and you needed to work for your own mental health. Of course not. You also just can’t be the more flexible person because lower salaries tend to not have flexibility (shifts at a care home or hospital or shop). You’d have a conversation about the admin that goes into raising a child and how that is not being shared equally. So do the same now.

Careful OP. He's trying to set you up here as the chief/only provider for your shared children's needs for the future, starting with this one. You are not better placed than him to do anything for your child except to carry the child in your womb, give birth and breastfeed. Anything else, as, supposedly, an involved parent he should be capable of doing. Don't let him fob you off as this will just get worse. 🌹

Not really the point of the thread, but I think pharmacists offer vaccinations on the weekend. No need for time off.

When we asked a paediatrician about chicken pox vaccine she advised against it. She said, unlike contracting chicken pox, the immunity from the vaccine wears off, leaving you vulnerable to chicken pox at an older age where it’s potentially more harmful. Also more likely to get shingles.

So we never bothered. They just got chicken pox naturally.

I followed your approach and just encouraged DH to take equal responsibility from the day I went back to work. There is period of adjustment with your first child. He will have got used to you being responsible for everything child related during pregnancy and maternity leave. Dc is new in your lives. Also its easy for men to just leave it to us.

You may still have to coordinate more than he does: e.g say "oh his injection is due cam you book it in and organise to take him. It doesn't need to be a stress, just take turns in doing things. It's annoying that women end up being the coordinator. In our family DH steps up as much as I do (I earn more but work part time intense hours)

I don't think you need to be petulant about jacking in a high paid job. The same dynamics exist in lower income households.

I've had friends go back to work from being SAHM and have to accustom husbands to taking on their share 8-10 years after the baby arrives! Easier to do it from day 1.

One of the reasons (not the deciding one) we had our kids vaccinated for CP was because it was a lot cheaper than a week off. The economics are even more in your favour. There must be the odd day one of you are off for something else, or WFH and could pick up at 4 on a Friday or even a Saturday morning and get it done then. I was the higher earner and sorted this for our kids.

i have just searched up the number of posts the OP has written…. TODAY

45!!!

OP - channel mumsnet time to work and then you’ll find you’ll have a heck of a lot more available time to spend! 😂

You are doing exactly what you complain of your husband doing. You are complaining that he is assuming that you, as the woman, should be the default parent and take the hit.

We know women earn less than men on average due to the gender pay gap, we also know that mothers (including those who go straight back to full time work within a few weeks) pay a lifelong salary penalty. We know that high earning women with lower earning partners are very much the minority.

When you say the lower earner should take the hit you are reinforcing the same attitudes for lower earning women that your husband is displaying to you.

In reality you should be a team where each partner shares the financial benefits and each has equal leisure and responsibility. You have sufficient earnings to outsource much of the work to a good nanny, housekeeper/cleaner etc. Outsource the bulk of the work to solve your immediate problem but spending your life with a man who assumes you are the default parent for anything he finds inconvenient is another issue entirely.

Op, just to remind you, the lower salary job also expects 100% commitment. The person on lower salary can also lose their job.

I know, can you imagine all those low-paying bosses saying “oh it’s fine for you not to pull your weight, after all you tell me your wife earns much more money than you do. You crack on with your third day off this month to cover child sickness”

To be fair to OP, I think what she might have been saying is that if one job is going to be threatened by poor performance due to childcare issues, it may as well be the less lucrative one.

Yep, I'm the lower earner and work less hours than DH so of course because of the hours I do more of the general domestic work and childcare and so on. He earns about double what I do and neither of us are high earners. However his professional role, coupled with th good fortune of working for lovely, understanding people who also have their own young children mean his employer is much more flexible wherever they can be. He therefore does most of the care of the kids when they're off sick on the two days a week we both work, and same for taking them to e.g. hospital appointments on those days and so on. My employer insists on deducting pay from me in the first scenario so it's actually financially better for him to take it off as they let him use his holiday.

To be fair to OP, I think what she might have been saying is that if one job is going to be threatened by poor performance due to childcare issues, it may as well be the less lucrative one.

If you had, say, a chronically ill child who was constantly off school then that might be the case. If it’s just standard occasional absence then you’d think neither job would be threatened if days off were split.

Oh I wasn’t getting into employment law, was kind of being facetious.

I did get lucky in that regard although he is definitely not perfect! Unlike me of course But we were together 10 years before we got married and 12 before kids so had lots of time to get the measure of one another and talk about how it would work. We are lucky that we earn roughly the same as each other too so no possibility of "my time is more valuable than yours" creeping in. I would find that hard in either direction.