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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD? Wedding abroad…

274 replies

Jessforless · 11/01/2024 22:20

A friend of ours is getting married abroad and the cost of going, accommodation, a hen and stag day day trip cost which was A LOT in July.

We said we couldn’t go. We are trying so hard at the moment to save money for various reasons and this wasn’t in our plans. I’m talking package 7k plus for this.

The response to our decline wasn’t great, and they actually cancelled a few planned things with us last summer after we declined.

We felt awful and our children are such good friends, my DH found separately amazing flight deals, hotel, etc, so we decided, let’s just do it. The friendship means a lot.

We are basically 5k in to this trip, because of going for cheaper tickets etc for everything - all non refundable. Of course because we’re idiots.

you can probably see what’s coming?

They’ve cancelled the wedding today. They’re going to get married in the UK because one set of parents can’t go. We’re not the only people affected but a lot of people booked the package which you can get back as a voucher / move to a different holiday. We stupidly tried to save money and have booked flights through Skyscanner, accommodation through booking.com and a ticket to something local via get your guide. None of it is refundable.

Im so upset. Probably this thread is for nothing - because what can we do?! We’re going to have to just go to this place we would never have chosen to go to for a holiday and suck it up. Just feels so frustrating and unfair in a year where we really could have done without it.

So, probably tumbleweed… but what would you do? Please be gentle as I’m gutted about the money. Honestly, this was such a financial stretch for us this year but following their reaction we didn’t see what else we could no but try and get there as cheaply as possible.

OP posts:
spanishviola · 11/01/2024 22:25

Utterly frustrating for you and I’d be very pissed off with my friends but I wouldn’t have done it in the first place. That doesn’t help you though and I suppose you don’t have much choice but to go on the holiday. I wouldn’t be going to their UK wedding or buying presents under the circumstances.

Duh · 11/01/2024 22:25

Ditch the friendship, no friend should treat you badly for not going to their overseas wedding.

Go and enjoy a wonderful holiday and never bother with these selfish people again.

SkaneTos · 11/01/2024 22:26

What a weird and unfortunate situation!
I can certainly understand that you feel gutted.
I don't have any advice.

Lizzieregina · 11/01/2024 22:27

In your shoes, I’d go and make the best of a holiday you didn’t want, and I’d ditch the “friendship”. Real friends don’t expect people to make that kind of financial sacrifice. I say this as the mother of someone who did have an expensive destination wedding last year and was thrilled that many people attended, but thought nothing less of people who said it was too much of a reach financially.

Also, if you paid by credit card, see if there are any options to cancel through the credit card insurance (my card automatically insures any things I pay for with the card, but it might only cover cancellation that’s out of your control like weather, health etc)

YouAttentionSeekingTrippleARatedFuckwit · 11/01/2024 22:27

Well they are pretty shitty friends to react so badly to your decline tbh, but you really should have stuck to your guns.
Are you now going to treat them as they treated you now they’ve changed their plans and you booked for nothing?
I don’t think I could stomach going to their wedding in your shoes tbh.

Toddlerteaplease · 11/01/2024 22:28

Duh · 11/01/2024 22:25

Ditch the friendship, no friend should treat you badly for not going to their overseas wedding.

Go and enjoy a wonderful holiday and never bother with these selfish people again.

This. Although absolutely no way would I spend £5000 going to a wedding for anyone. Not even for my sister!

HarpyRampant · 11/01/2024 22:29

I'm puzzled as to why them huffing and cancelling plans after you said you couldn’t afford to go led you to spend 5k you couldn’t afford to go to the wedding of people who were, frankly, not that nice to you?

Original poster
Jessforless · 11/01/2024 22:30

HarpyRampant · 11/01/2024 22:29

I'm puzzled as to why them huffing and cancelling plans after you said you couldn’t afford to go led you to spend 5k you couldn’t afford to go to the wedding of people who were, frankly, not that nice to you?

Yes, absolutely this. I feel so stupid.

Actually we did do the flights on credit card though but can we get this back? It’s not a fraudulent transaction or anything, it’s the lowest cost fare which means no changes etc.

OP posts:
Liverpool52 · 11/01/2024 22:31

I agree, they are not friends. Make the most of the holiday but I would have nothing more to do with these people. They aren't kind or considerate people. Who needs friends like that.

Gazelda · 11/01/2024 22:31

I wonder whether there's another reason why they've cancelled the overseas wedding? It seems very strange to cancel it in Jan due to parents being unable to travel, when they must have booked it last summer or before.

Perhaps there's illness in the close family?

Do they know you've made your own bookings that are now unrefundable?

I think you should go on the holiday, with a determination to have a fabulous time. And resolve never again to spend thousands to appease friends.

coxesorangepippin · 11/01/2024 22:32

You live and learn

Very tough situation

Original poster
Jessforless · 11/01/2024 22:38

Gazelda · 11/01/2024 22:31

I wonder whether there's another reason why they've cancelled the overseas wedding? It seems very strange to cancel it in Jan due to parents being unable to travel, when they must have booked it last summer or before.

Perhaps there's illness in the close family?

Do they know you've made your own bookings that are now unrefundable?

I think you should go on the holiday, with a determination to have a fabulous time. And resolve never again to spend thousands to appease friends.

I know it doesn’t sound it but we are very close to this family. There are no other issues other than her parents has planned to book and promised to book but now have said they won’t because of caring commitments. (Which I get.)

They know we are basically tied to this. He was the one who linked my DH to the much cheaper flights and suggested we book everything separately to save money.

Honestly, again, it probably doesn’t sound like it! But we have been such good friends for years and we didn’t want to risk that by missing the wedding… and they were so upset with us.

OP posts:
FirstFallopians · 11/01/2024 22:38

Whereabouts is it?

Any chance of making it a fabulous family holiday without a wedding to worry about?

Even if you take the hit on the accommodation, it could give you more flexibility to arrange another villa/hotel that suits you more.

romdowa · 11/01/2024 22:40

I'd guess that they've cancelled the wedding abroad due to lack of numbers attending. 7k to attend someone's wedding is madness! Is it a popular holiday destination? I wonder could you sell the flights/ accommodation? You'd make loss but you'd get something back

GladAllOver · 11/01/2024 22:40

Well it won't help you I'm afraid, but we have a rule always to politely decline wedding invitations abroad. It's not just the money but it often means using up holiday leave that we need to use for proper holidays.

Wendysfriend · 11/01/2024 22:40

That's rubbish alright, do they know you had booked in the end ? Would they have cancelled due to others pulling out maybe.

I wonder if you could change the route/destination of the flight ? Never used Skyscanner so not sure.

Is booking.com Definitely non refundable, maybe you could call them and explain your situation, I remember changing hotel with them years ago, they didn't mind once they weren't losing money. You could maybe pull together a holiday more to your taste.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/01/2024 22:42

Unless you're a total mug, you will never speak to these arseholes again, because I can assure you, they are not your friends. You would have to be a bit daft to think these people are genuine friends after the way they treated you.

WandaWonder · 11/01/2024 22:42

I could be a billionaire and I would not spend that, just the thought of spending more on someone elses wedding than we did our own is ridicolous, but not sure what you can do now really

WandaWonder · 11/01/2024 22:43

GladAllOver · 11/01/2024 22:40

Well it won't help you I'm afraid, but we have a rule always to politely decline wedding invitations abroad. It's not just the money but it often means using up holiday leave that we need to use for proper holidays.

Yes this

Original poster
Jessforless · 11/01/2024 22:43

So it’s Bali. Which in theory sounds amazing but not something that is in our plans or not something that was on any of our bucket lists. As in, if we were going to spend thousands on a trip, I was looking at Japan or Florida or something like a cruise. (Which I think I constantly post about 😂)

We’re having work done to our house which is a very long held dream and we know from stories that the quote is absolutely going to climb. We have spent half our contingency money on this. Really, I could cry. I know we are stupid but I am truly an idiot who can’t bare people to be angry with me.

it’s such a long way away and and I know it could be amazing, but I would never have chosen to have this trip right now. Feel so stupid.

OP posts:
HarpyRampant · 11/01/2024 22:43

Jessforless · 11/01/2024 22:30

Yes, absolutely this. I feel so stupid.

Actually we did do the flights on credit card though but can we get this back? It’s not a fraudulent transaction or anything, it’s the lowest cost fare which means no changes etc.

Show quote history

Oh, OP. See if you can get the flights refunded, if you absolutely don’t want to go to this place for a holiday, and ask yourself why people you’re genuinely close behaved so unpleasantly when you honestly couldn't afford to go. Of course, the fact that you caved to pressure now probably means they think your refusal wasn’t serious… I’d be having a frank conversation with them.

Tel12 · 11/01/2024 22:44

I can't help but think that real friends wouldn't have encouraged you to book a trip that you can't afford. Equally it's really late for parents to find out that they can't make it either. More likely they were daunted by the cost. I'd be inclined to have a great holiday and find some new friends.

iLovee · 11/01/2024 22:50

Send them a bill! Seriously though, I'm so sorry this has happened I would be absolutely furious in your shoes ♥️

KnittingKnewbie · 11/01/2024 22:50

Oh my god I feel sick for you. That's just awful

Boomboomshakeshaketheroom · 11/01/2024 22:51

Terrible situation. Completely preventable, but you know that.

Bali is wonderful. Would it cheer you up to start planning the holiday properly and making it the best it can be? Maybe start a post for some advice. It's a great place for kids, they will absolutely love it. Beaches, water sports, volcanoes, fascinating culture, markets, massages, stunning scenery. If you choose your activities well... otherwise, busy, dirty and packed with drunk Australians. So it pays to get some good advice and plan well!

I personally would back away from the friends, the way they treated you after you declined the first offer speaks volumes. I don't think your high regard for them is reciprocated.