More of a WWYD? Wedding abroad…

[Jessforless]

A friend of ours is getting married abroad and the cost of going, accommodation, a hen and stag day day trip cost which was A LOT in July.

We said we couldn’t go. We are trying so hard at the moment to save money for various reasons and this wasn’t in our plans. I’m talking package 7k plus for this.

The response to our decline wasn’t great, and they actually cancelled a few planned things with us last summer after we declined.

We felt awful and our children are such good friends, my DH found separately amazing flight deals, hotel, etc, so we decided, let’s just do it. The friendship means a lot.

We are basically 5k in to this trip, because of going for cheaper tickets etc for everything - all non refundable. Of course because we’re idiots.

you can probably see what’s coming?

They’ve cancelled the wedding today. They’re going to get married in the UK because one set of parents can’t go. We’re not the only people affected but a lot of people booked the package which you can get back as a voucher / move to a different holiday. We stupidly tried to save money and have booked flights through Skyscanner, accommodation through booking.com and a ticket to something local via get your guide. None of it is refundable.

Im so upset. Probably this thread is for nothing - because what can we do?! We’re going to have to just go to this place we would never have chosen to go to for a holiday and suck it up. Just feels so frustrating and unfair in a year where we really could have done without it.

So, probably tumbleweed… but what would you do? Please be gentle as I’m gutted about the money. Honestly, this was such a financial stretch for us this year but following their reaction we didn’t see what else we could no but try and get there as cheaply as possible.

@Jessforless - how awful. I understand your POV about the friendship being great but I don’t think I could get past this whole chain of events. For your own self esteem, please ditch these frenemies!

re Bali - we lived in Western Australia for several years a while back and I came to think of Bali as their Benidorm. I could not have cared less about going after hearing so many stories and seeing stupid pics.

Then we ended up going on a supported school trip with DC and I absolutely LOVED the place! I’d go back in a heartbeat. If you do your research, you can have an amazing time in some of the most beautiful scenery. There is so much to do outside of the beach bar culture.

good luck!!

i had only one regret after my trip to Bali, is I wished I had gone years earlier!

im in Nz, and thought of it as a Nz/aus bogan hell pit. Well, there is Kuta (we dropped in to see and OHMYGOD it’s REVOLTING!!)

we had 10 absolutely stunning days… it honestly is the most beautiful, incredible place… we all just loved it

soooooooo cheap once you get there, you will stay in beautiful, cool villas, private pools, your own chef if you want…. Cooking lessons, turtles, surfing, bike riding, manterays, island hopping, shopping, volcanos, stunning mountains, incredible beaches… you will not regret it

my plan is to spend 3 months a year there once retired, cheaper than paying a heating bill here :))

turn it around, get excited!

I'd be furious OP. I admire you taking a deep breath and putting the DC first. I'm sure Bali will be absolutely wonderful and a fantastic trip for your family. I'm quite envious!

I think the OP has fully admitted to feeling like an idiot about this.

Leaving aside the friendship dynamic, and I am not sure if it is a friendship any more. Kids will adapt to anything that is not violent or abusive, so don't worry about them maybe not seeing their friends. They will make others. You are basing a lot of justification on holding onto the friendship for the sake of the kids. That is not a good enough reason IMV.

So, I would first of all explore fully every option to try and retrieve some of the costs. Get on to the airline, explain the situation, see what they might be able to do for you. You'd never know. Same with the hotel, contact them directly, and as pp said they may offer a voucher (or even a partial refund due to the wedding cancellation) to another destination. Check your holiday insurance.

If you don't ask you don't get, nothing lost in trying.

THEN, if you have no option but to go, throw some more money at it to get the best experience possible. Yes, that's what I said! At this stage enjoying it is the most important thing, and what's another couple of hundred for things you would not have done if going to the wedding. Use the money you would have spent on outfits and a wedding present instead.

Don't despair. Sleep on it for a few days, and then get on the phone!

Poor you, it’s no wonder you’re absolutely gutted. But what’s done is done and just remember you made what seemed like the best choice at the time. Hindsight’s a wonderful thing isn’t it. You’ve learned a very hard way to only let people treat you badly once- in this case the “friends” reacting badly when you very reasonably declined the wedding invitation.

If you do end up going ahead with the holiday, I hope that you have an amazing time.

I wouldn’t even pay that to go to a family members wedding. I think it’s so cheeky to expect people to pay so much and use annual leave to attend weddings abroad. They are arseholes for falling out with you when you said you couldn’t go, and I’d personally have stepped back from the friendship at that point.

As for what would I do - if you can’t get money back go and enjoy the holiday with your family but do not go to the newly arranged wedding and do not continue with this one-sided friendship.

Agree!

It's a scandalous amount!

I wouldn't even pay £7,000 to go to my own wedding! 😂

And let's face it, 7k was what the actual package price was before the bargain hunting!

OP the parents are selfish, bullying twats and you don't need to be in contact with the adults for the kids to continue to be friends.

If they're all at school together they'll see each other anyway and once kids are secondary age they generally manage their own friendships. It's perfectly feasible to distance yourself from the adults and let the kids get on with it themselves.

Go to Bali and have an amazing time. If it wasn’t on your bucket list, it should be.
It’s a beautiful place, amazing culture and incredibly friendly people.

No advice what to do about your friends; I guess if you want the friendship to continue you’ll suck it up. Do you, though?

I don’t want to introduce any awkwardness into those relationships because of their parents.

The so-called friends didn’t mind introducing awkwardness into it by bullying people into spending money they didn’t want to.

The situation is crappy but Bali is fantastic. My parents and sister have both made trips separately and had a fab time. It is on my bucket list. Do your research and go have a fab trip, good weather, lovely beaches and great food.

If it was me I’d have a very open and frank conversation with my friend over the fact I’d now spent all this money to attend their wedding which I can’t get back and see what their reaction is. They may offer to compensate you a little bit or be extremely apologetic etc?
if they’re defensive then end the friendship, they need to be more understanding.

What would I do?

I don't see any alternative to throwing yourselves enthusiastically into this trip!

Between now and then, research the destination and find out all it has to offer - and plan to do as much of it as can be fitted in to each day. Put aside how you came to be going there and just - go for it! Have the best ever time, and make some memories.

No, you wouldn't have chosen there, or to spend that amount of money, but it's done, it's happening, draw a line - and have a great holiday.

(Your friends are shits by the way - cancelling stuff with you because you declined their invite, then pressuring you to spend £5k. Utter shits.)

Good point! I spent less than that on my entire wedding.

Your friends don't seem concerned about the kids frienships.

They cancelled things with you when you weren't going. They were prepared to give you the cold shoulder, when you made a reasonable decision, but you won't do it when they've made you waste £5000!
It is very unbalanced.

This idea it would devastate the kids is also odd. The kids can still be friends. Most kids best friends don't have best friend parents.
It would just require you all to be polite and civil when required at drop offs etc.

If I were you I'd be really reflecting on why these people are so imporatnt to you you are prepared to accept terrible behaviour, whilst they expect you to jump when they say or they'll ditch you.

It's surely going to be appallingly embarassing for them when you head off on a holiday to Bali they know you didn't want and can't afford but have to go on because of them? I really don't know how you and they can overcome the enormity of that reality and this cock up.

There is no balance to this friendship. They treat you as a disposable convenience and you think that the sun shines out of their arses.

No contact and be happier for it. Your children will soon make new friends to replace theirs.

olh dear

but i noticed it wa sok for them to be akward with you cancelling plans all because you said you couldnt go

can you at least not meet up woth them for a while let it cool dow a bit

Perhaps they could buy your trip from you for their honeymoon…

I really hope that they apologise for treating you so poorly for saying you couldn’t go because of costs. They sound immature and selfish to have reacted that way initially.

Talk with the companies which you book with, see what they can do - perhaps they can give you credit to book Japan, or that cruise you want

I’d go no contact with them.

Friends son called off the wedding when everyone was already in the Caribbean.

You won't be the only guests out there.

I loved Bali/ Indonesia. Beaches near the airport can be very 'Aussies on holiday to get drunk' but there is so much more to the island. I will admit I was 22 and into the party resorts but wouldn't be now. I'd be hiring a private guide and staying in some seriously nice places.

Ubud was fab as was the North. If you have time the gili islands are so so beautiful. I also went to Yogyakarta on Java island.

I would also be really be annoyed with your friends though. Surely before they went inviting people they should have been 100% sure that's where they were going to get married. I know you said a parent pulled out but they must have been the 1st people they discussed it with

OP, £5K is the cost of learning not to be a people pleaser. It sounds like you are avoiding the lesson. You cite your children as an excuse. Your children need you to model good boundaries; discernment about the people you allow in your and their lives; how to act with integrity; and how to respond to people who treat you badly. Don't let them down by refusing to learn and continuing to be friends with these people.

@justasking111 to be fair, I don't think I'd be as annoyed if they just called off the wedding all together. Annoyed to have spent so much money/ time etc but it'd be awful if they went through with the wedding out of fear of letting people down only to divorce a few weeks later. Changing the venue though and still getting married, that'd piss me off

Agree pont. Their behaviour on this has been bad at every turn.

It’s not amazing though. It’s very touristy and takes forever to get anywhere.

i’d be really pissed off OP