More of a WWYD? Wedding abroad…

[Jessforless]

A friend of ours is getting married abroad and the cost of going, accommodation, a hen and stag day day trip cost which was A LOT in July.

We said we couldn’t go. We are trying so hard at the moment to save money for various reasons and this wasn’t in our plans. I’m talking package 7k plus for this.

The response to our decline wasn’t great, and they actually cancelled a few planned things with us last summer after we declined.

We felt awful and our children are such good friends, my DH found separately amazing flight deals, hotel, etc, so we decided, let’s just do it. The friendship means a lot.

We are basically 5k in to this trip, because of going for cheaper tickets etc for everything - all non refundable. Of course because we’re idiots.

you can probably see what’s coming?

They’ve cancelled the wedding today. They’re going to get married in the UK because one set of parents can’t go. We’re not the only people affected but a lot of people booked the package which you can get back as a voucher / move to a different holiday. We stupidly tried to save money and have booked flights through Skyscanner, accommodation through booking.com and a ticket to something local via get your guide. None of it is refundable.

Im so upset. Probably this thread is for nothing - because what can we do?! We’re going to have to just go to this place we would never have chosen to go to for a holiday and suck it up. Just feels so frustrating and unfair in a year where we really could have done without it.

So, probably tumbleweed… but what would you do? Please be gentle as I’m gutted about the money. Honestly, this was such a financial stretch for us this year but following their reaction we didn’t see what else we could no but try and get there as cheaply as possible.

Could you offer the trip as a bonus to your builder if the renovation comes in on budget?

These people are horrible op and are not friends. I get you've done a lot of stuff together over the years but this is absolutely shit of them.

They're not friends, I hope you wake up and realise that.

I also hope you thoroughly enjoy your holiday.

These are friends who already have kids ( and other responsibilities).
I can imagine a young childless newly engaged couple in the throes of first love possibly getting carried away with the thought of a destination wedding to Bali.
But this is a couple who have clearly been together a fair while, committed enough to have children, but then get pissed off and entitled when their friends decline the invitation.
Honestly the whole situation is disgusting.

How did you act to Bali with kids for 5k?! I’ll go!
been once and it’s beautiful. Best but was taking a rowing boat out as the sun set. Green sky. Green!

That’s absolutely dreadful, especially as you were coaxed to consider cheaper DIY options to make it (semi) affordable, only to fund yourselves stuck with non refundable elements. I’d be paralysed with anger and sickness, thinking of the opportunity cost - your contingency fund, the other destinations you could have seen, and the bloody wedding now taking place at home. I really feel for you. Sorry 🌼

We went to Dubai for a destination wedding. I had no interest in Dubai. Actually, I had moral objections to it. In the end, it was a fantastic trip.

If you can't get money back, plan the trip out to be amazing.

Absolutely awful behaviour from these friend. I hope you grow a back bone and tell them, OP. I really wouldn’t be worried about losing a friendship with these selfish people.

Op Bali looks amazing.
However I do get it's not the first place that would spring to mind for a family holiday

I'll go against the grain, you say the parents can't make it due to caring responsibilities. Have circumstances changed?
Is the person they are caring for worse than they were 6mths ago, cancer, dementia etc were the couple thinking they'd either be able to travel or get respite?

I can see why they'd want to cancel if the parents can no longer make it.

Are they still planning Bali as a honeymoon? Could you still have the holiday together?

I think the main reason you will feel so cross and upset is because you have allowed yourself to be bullied and blackmailed into the trip. No friend (or family) should bully someone to spend thousands to be at their wedding.

Huge learning experience from this. If something doesn't suit your budget/goals or you just really don't want to - say no.

If you will lose half your money rearranging things I would just go and make sure you have the holiday of a lifetime. Meet up with the other friends that were going if they go. Ask the bride and groom why they don't make it their honeymoon instead of their wedding - you will probably flush out finding that they can't afford it and all the guests paying £££ supplemented their wedding costs.

I wouldn't pay another £ to attend their UK wedding - if they don't make Bali their honeymoon and join you. Not even booking a travelodge or Premier inn. Nope.

Please yourself next time. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm!

A shitty thing to do to you, OP. Obviously see if anything can be clawed back re cancellations. If that all fails, do try and make the most of it. It might not have been on your radar, but anywhere in SE Asia is going to be a memorable adventure if you have never been before. There's more to Bali than beaches and tourist-traps.

omg the sense of entitlement someone has to have to organise their wedding 8000+ miles away and expecting others to spend 1000s to just attend their wedding!

having the audacity to then cancel the wedding AFTER badgering ppl to spend 5k+ ..... I just can't imagine what went on in their head

there are only three contexts that justifies a destination wedding

1. the wedding is at the home country of bride or groom outside the uk
2. the Bride and groom pay for the guests' travel
3. the guests are all loaded and can easily fork out the travel costs

Wow. They are utter shitheads.
Go to Bali and have a fab time.
But absolutely DO NOT GO TO THE UK WEDDING (hopefully it’ll clash with your Bali trip).
If I were you and your DH, I’d never speak to your so-called fucking friends again, let alone want to attend their shitty wedding anyway. Wankers.

Have they changed the date of the UK wedding?

I’m just not sure why you’d be such close friends with people who would treat you so appallingly.

Cancel plans because you couldn’t afford their ill-considered wedding in Bali? Guilted into booking. And to top it all now they’ve called it off?

You and DH need to sit down and look honestly at what these people are really like and do some urgently needed quality control.

That said Bali is a heck of a lot nicer than a cruise.

@feelingalittlehorse
what was the holiday destination? Looking for inspiration for my holiday 🙂

You say it's a voucher and can be changed for a different place..? So choose where you would like to go and enjoy a family holiday.. I'd choose the dates of so called friends wedding too.. so you can't attend .
Also have you checked insurance to see if it can be refunded against an event that was cancelled through no fault of your own?

Whereabouts in Bali? Some parts of Bali are amazing, some bits are horrible (Kuta). And your friends are dicks, I wouldn't be going to the UK wedding.

Well we absolutely loved Bali it’s amazing. You will have a fantastic time. Fuck them. Do not go to their poxy wedding though - who the hell do they think they are treating people like that?

Dont be hard on yourself either you tried to do the right thing and be good friends shame it was not reciprocated. You live and learn. Put your own family first now.

😱That's 10 times what we spent on our own wedding & (trusty google tells me) 4 times the average cost of a uk wedding in 2023 (£19184)!

I can't believe these "friends" expected you (& their other friends) to spend so much money.

No idea what you should do but I very much hope you either go & have a fantastic time (the suggestion up thread to renew your vows is brilliant 🤣 share your great photos widely!!!) or are able to get most of your money back.

I'm sorry to say I don't think they're treating you the way you would treat them & you should pull far far back from the relationship.

This. Expensive lesson to not try to buy people's friendships. If you are resorting to this, then these are Not friends. At the very instant they start cancelling events and going off on you, that was the time to have seen their true colours, the friendship is over in any case and they are definitely not going to refund you, the very least you can do is let them know what arseholes they were and then dump them.

Op you really are a mug. You say you still don't want to lose the friendship after this? Then go be a mug to these people. You were literally trying to buy their friendship. When they knew you couldn't afford it, and still pushed your dh to book it through various links do you think they cared about your family? Yep, trying to buy friendships.

id meet/call your friends and say: you absolute fuckers. You had the incredible self-centredness to give us the cold shoulder because we couldn’t afford your wedding so because your friendship mattered to us we scraped it up and committed half our extra building fund to book it on the non refundable or changeable YOU FUCKING SENT us while you were pressuring us to go, now you’ve GONE AND FUCKING CANCELLED. Dont call me. I can’t afford to come to your wedding even if it’s next door now and I don’t want to.

Once when I used booking.com I couldn’t actual make the hotel stay. There was an option on the site to message the hotel. I messaged and explained my situation and the hotel cancelled for me free of charge (on a non refundable booking). Might be worth a go.

Agreed. Just go on the holiday and make the best of it. That really is crap.

Firstly, Your “friends” are arseholes. No two ways about it. Even the people who booked the package are now stuck with a voucher rather than their cash back.

Second, it might not be your dream destination but you can have a great time in Bali (avoid Kuta like the plague): rainforest walks, volcano climbs, temples, waterfalls, scuba diving/snorkelling and surfing. Great food, amazing sunsets.

Is your accommodation all in one location? If so could you message them and see if you can modify that a bit and make it dual centre to spend time eg: near Ubud and then near Ulu Watu or Sanur and perhaps a hop to the Gili islands or Nusa Penida/Lembongan?