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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?

423 replies

ohwow23 · 11/01/2024 19:15

I've NC. Long time member here. I'm currently going through my 4th miscarriage in the space of 14 months. Heartbreaking and sad. We are waiting on a referral from the hospital for more tests (we've had basic blood work and came back clear) we decided to keep on trying whilst we wait for our referral, each loss is heartbreaking but ultimately we want to keep on going, this is our choice a couple. I tried to explain this to this friend last night, and she didn't understand (she had her baby with no issues) and I get that not everyone will understand why people who struggle to conceive will keep putting themselves through the pain, but I know people like me who struggle who full understand the need and desperation for a baby even it means losses along the way. So I had my scan today which confirmed our 4th loss, and she messaged me this today. I've attached screenshots of the message so you understand. I really do understand her being concerned for me and Dh wellbeing, but I really think the 'poor defenceless babies' comment was completely uncalled for.

AIBU to be upset by this comment? I've also attached my quite calm response.

'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?
'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?
'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?
OP posts:
Saschka · 11/01/2024 19:16

She’s a cow and I’d be blocking her tbh.

DelurkingAJ · 11/01/2024 19:16

Good grief. I find that utterly foul. How dare your friend be so rude. They’re no friend.

User1775 · 11/01/2024 19:17

I am so sorry for your losses OP.
I would leave this and not look back, she is no friend of yours and no clue whatsoever about biology.
Please take care of yourself

Viewfrommyhouse · 11/01/2024 19:17

She's not a good friend, she's an absolute cunt and I'd cut all contact with her if I were you.

Flowers
Desgusten · 11/01/2024 19:17

Yeah she wouldn’t be my friend anymore. Period

KateLizAn · 11/01/2024 19:18

This person is an absolute moron. I am so sorry they said this to you.

I would block them and move on without them.

I hope things work out for you 💐

scrunchmum · 11/01/2024 19:18

What a terrible terrible thing to say to you.
So sorry for your loss

lennylion · 11/01/2024 19:18

What a fucking bitch

Dacadactyl · 11/01/2024 19:19

What does she mean by "gather the patience for the tests"?

SecondHandFurniture · 11/01/2024 19:19

She's an idiot. I suspect she's finding your losses uncomfortable and doesn't want to offer any more support.

Festivemoose · 11/01/2024 19:20

Not only is she a cunt, but she is also really, really stupid.

Brexile · 11/01/2024 19:20

I'm really sorry for your losses and for your friend's unkindness. Of course it's not your fault you lost the pregnancies, it's outrageous of her to suggest you're responsible. :(

Creatureofhabit87 · 11/01/2024 19:20

Fair enough being concerned that you’re putting yourself through it but in reality, you and your DH are putting yourself through it out of choice… it’s not a baby at that point, pretty sure they can’t feel etc although concerned someone may try and put me in my place and say otherwise but I can’t personally remember being in the womb!

I’d block her and move on.

scott2609 · 11/01/2024 19:20

You really don’t need people like this in your life. It’s a completely unacceptable comment to make under the tedious guise of ‘telling it like it is’. Get rid of this ‘friendship’

Mumoftwo1312 · 11/01/2024 19:20

Don't waste any more breath explaining to her, she's not just cruel she's an idiot.

I'm ever so sorry for your losses.

Sadly a MC usually happens when the embryo itself is unviable. It's not a "defenceless baby" that your body is somehow hurting/rejecting. She's completely incorrect (and very hurtful).

Pusheen467 · 11/01/2024 19:22

Your friend is an utter cunt and she's also fucking stupid. I hope you never speak to her again.

Pusheen467 · 11/01/2024 19:22

And I hope she sees this thread.

Merryoldgoat · 11/01/2024 19:23

She sounds like she’s both horrible and stupid.

I’m sorry you’re going through such an awful time. Please get rid of her from your life.

SantaBarbaraMonica · 11/01/2024 19:23

Wow, what an incredible lack of self awareness. You are quite rightly mad and upset but try to focus on the fact that she has to live with being such an insensitive moron for her whole life. You don’t need to have anything more to do with her.

Safxxx · 11/01/2024 19:23

I agree with all the above posts...she's no friend...she's a bitter old cow...and if I were you stay the heck away from her....
So sorry for you losses 💔 but rest assured miracles do happen 🙏 I know a few ppl who have had multiple miscarriages and then went on to give birth to healthy babies....I admire your strength...keep trying I pray you too go on to have your blessing of a healthy baby soon ❤️

Ofmince · 11/01/2024 19:23

Sorry for your losses OP.

Unfortunately, some people are just absolute cunts when it comes to pregnancy loss, even people we thought were "friends".

DreadPirateRobots · 11/01/2024 19:23

Yeah you're done with that friend. Permanently. Block.

Tinkerbyebye · 11/01/2024 19:23

It’s an outrageous comment. And I would be stoping the friendship

Janicepalace · 11/01/2024 19:24

I cannot believe what she’s saying here, I’m so sorry that this is a so called friend. What a moron… the idea of trying for a baby is to do just that! Regardless of what tests you may be having. You don’t need a test to say yes go ahead there’s nothing wrong to try and get pregnant. Something else is at play here, she’s trying to control the narrative that it’s your fault. Shocking behaviour

Sparklesocks · 11/01/2024 19:24

Yeah there’s no coming back from that. Cut her off, you need people who are supportive and loving around during what is obviously a difficult time. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard go of it.