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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?

423 replies

ohwow23 · 11/01/2024 19:15

I've NC. Long time member here. I'm currently going through my 4th miscarriage in the space of 14 months. Heartbreaking and sad. We are waiting on a referral from the hospital for more tests (we've had basic blood work and came back clear) we decided to keep on trying whilst we wait for our referral, each loss is heartbreaking but ultimately we want to keep on going, this is our choice a couple. I tried to explain this to this friend last night, and she didn't understand (she had her baby with no issues) and I get that not everyone will understand why people who struggle to conceive will keep putting themselves through the pain, but I know people like me who struggle who full understand the need and desperation for a baby even it means losses along the way. So I had my scan today which confirmed our 4th loss, and she messaged me this today. I've attached screenshots of the message so you understand. I really do understand her being concerned for me and Dh wellbeing, but I really think the 'poor defenceless babies' comment was completely uncalled for.

AIBU to be upset by this comment? I've also attached my quite calm response.

'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?
'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?
'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?
OP posts:
CornishPorsche · 11/01/2024 19:32

What a fucking bitch.

Block and never bother with her again, she hasn't a fucking scooby. Fuck her and the horse she rode in on.

Onenightonly2024 · 11/01/2024 19:32

Your friend is so ignorant. Tell her to go and educate herself. She could have said “do you think it’s best to take a break TTC while investigations are happening”
instead she’s made out you’ve had 4 abortions. She wouldn’t be my friend anymore.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 11/01/2024 19:33

This reply has been deleted

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Oh please shut up you utter moron. If i 'gave up' after numerous miscarriages i wouldn't be sat here with 2 children right now.

Scrantonicity2 · 11/01/2024 19:35

Yes OP how awful of you not to go out and get the magic fix that stops miscarriages. You must really enjoy putting yourself through that....Hmm

Honestly I wonder how some people function in life when you see the stuff they come out with Flowers

CornishPorsche · 11/01/2024 19:35

This reply has been deleted

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I take it you know absolutely fuck all about why miscarriages happen?

Just how, exactly, are miscarriages preventable? Or treatable?

Mumaway · 11/01/2024 19:35

She's a psycho. I'm so sorry you're going through this and that she was so completely unreasonable to you.

Unwisebutnotillegal · 11/01/2024 19:36

Me and my siblings have lost a baby for each baby we have had so ten lost babies. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason, I believe one of us had investigations with nothing found. Some of our friends lost seven babies before they had their beautiful daughter.
If there is a hell then your friend deserves a one way ticket.

Londisc · 11/01/2024 19:36

Spectactualy stupid, selfish and, yes, bordering on sadistic. ZERO empathy. You will realise in hindsight that this is not the first sign of this person having an awful side to them ; they've just hidden it well until now.

Sincerely wishing you the best of luck with everything. I am in awe of your ability to hold your shit together and I hope you are getting some support from kinder quarters.

Ghentsummer · 11/01/2024 19:36

Well she's a fucking idiot. The baby will not be feeling anything nor having any awareness. The only people suffering here are you and your husband. I hope you have some decent friends who can support you.

Loub55 · 11/01/2024 19:36

How awful, certainly not something a true friend would say! I don't think I could get past that it would be the end of the friendship. And I'd probably send her the link to this thread too, so she might realise how horrendous what she said is.

Mumaway · 11/01/2024 19:36

Onenightonly2024 · 11/01/2024 19:32

Your friend is so ignorant. Tell her to go and educate herself. She could have said “do you think it’s best to take a break TTC while investigations are happening”
instead she’s made out you’ve had 4 abortions. She wouldn’t be my friend anymore.

Edited

But even if you did have an abortion, it's nothing to do with her.

OhGetFucked · 11/01/2024 19:37

Oh she's one of those 'I tell it like it is' cunts.

You don't need that shit in your life. I'm really sorry she made a hard time harder.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 11/01/2024 19:37

Dacadactyl · 11/01/2024 19:19

What does she mean by "gather the patience for the tests"?

She means wait until the OP has had tests and a possible solution, rather than keep getting pregnant knowing they won't stick.

janruarry · 11/01/2024 19:38

Does she think the embryos know they're miscarrying or something? She sounds so thick it's painful to read.

I think you're really strong for replying and telling her how horrible she'd been.

SmellyKat10 · 11/01/2024 19:38

😦

McMuffins · 11/01/2024 19:38

Surely this can’t be real? What a foul thing to say.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 11/01/2024 19:39

Speechless. I’m so sorry, OP.

janruarry · 11/01/2024 19:39

Lorelaigilmore88 · 11/01/2024 19:31

That would be friendship ending for me, op. I am not one for cutting people off, i tend to forgive thoughtlessness but that is more than thoughtless. She actually sat and typed that. Why? What was she hoping to achieve? And she also sounds totally stupid as well as hurtful.

And she kept defending her stupidity

Zooeyzo · 11/01/2024 19:40

Wow she's heartless. So sorry for your losses OP

Thereshegoesagain · 11/01/2024 19:40

Block the shit out of that stupid cunt.

So sorry for all your losses.

BudgetFoodie · 11/01/2024 19:40

What a stupid thoughtless woman!!!

You are not being unreasonable to cut her out of your life. She is not a friend and even if she apologises and takes it back you will never be able to forget she said it.

Inyourwildestdreams · 11/01/2024 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

@Riseandshinee she doesn’t “know” that at all!! what a load of crap. You and the ‘friend’ would get on well.

@ohwow23 I’m really sorry for the losses you and your DH have experience. Be kind to yourself and look out for each other.

As for the “friend”. Is she bringing much else to your life?! Because she certainly isn’t bringing any support!
A good friend says “I’m so sorry, and I’m here for you for whatever you need” and means it. I think it’s also acceptable for them to tell you that they’re concerned about you and the toll this may be taking on you.
What your friend said is not acceptable!

tomatoontoast · 11/01/2024 19:40

Those messages are disgusting.

I would never ever speak to her again. What a bitch!!!!!

Theyarehere · 11/01/2024 19:41

what a terrible thing to say to you. She isn’t telling it like it is. She’s being an incredibly insensitive rude and needlessly cruel person that sounds like they are revelling in their superiority. Im so sorry for your situation x

JustanotherMNSlapperTwat · 11/01/2024 19:42

She's a cunt OP