'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?

[ohwow23]

I've NC. Long time member here. I'm currently going through my 4th miscarriage in the space of 14 months. Heartbreaking and sad. We are waiting on a referral from the hospital for more tests (we've had basic blood work and came back clear) we decided to keep on trying whilst we wait for our referral, each loss is heartbreaking but ultimately we want to keep on going, this is our choice a couple. I tried to explain this to this friend last night, and she didn't understand (she had her baby with no issues) and I get that not everyone will understand why people who struggle to conceive will keep putting themselves through the pain, but I know people like me who struggle who full understand the need and desperation for a baby even it means losses along the way. So I had my scan today which confirmed our 4th loss, and she messaged me this today. I've attached screenshots of the message so you understand. I really do understand her being concerned for me and Dh wellbeing, but I really think the 'poor defenceless babies' comment was completely uncalled for.

AIBU to be upset by this comment? I've also attached my quite calm response.

I am sorry for your losses. That was a very insensitive and cruel thing for your friend to say. If it were me I would be cutting ties with her.

You don’t need this vile, heartless person in your life.

So glad to hear you have support OP. I bet your mum, sisters and best mates know exactly how many miscarriages you've gone through and 'get' exactly what you mean when you say 'I'm numb' at this stage. The need to have that defence in place so that you can keep going, not just in trying to have a baby but just in everything that living involves whilst going through this, is so very understandable. You've got to be pretty emotionally thick not to get that nor to immediately recognise the tragic irony intended behind the emoji. Don't doubt yourself.

Tell me you know nothing about basic biology without telling me..

You're also a bit of a cunt aren't you!

Oh and I was told to keep trying after my miscarriages and while waiting for test results. She has no idea what she's talking about.

Fucking hell, she's just bloody lovely! Block, delete amd don't look back. I'm sorry for your losses OP.

I'm so very sorry for your losses OP. I went through several myself prior to successful fertility treatment, so I completely understand your anguish and heartache. She is just fucking vile, and a waste of air.

Wishing you and your DH the very best of luck in achieving your dream. 💐

My 2nd loss is happening as I type. If my friend told me this, I would bite her head off.

She is a moron and not very well educated, is she?

Show her this thread then block the shit out of her. I'd personally be showing her friends and husband too. What a cuuuuuunt.

I'm sorry for your losses, OP and I really hope you get your rainbow baby soon 🌈

The fact she didn’t reconsider something she said and apologise when you were clearly upset and offended by it would be enough for me to question her “friendship”. And that’s before you even think about how horrific what she actually said was!

She clearly thinks she’s in the right… she’s not.
I would be ending the friendship

while I understand the point i think? she is trying to make… which is she thinks you’ll need medical assistance to conceive and carry to term the way she has gone about that is brutal.

she has no empathy at all and the choice of words is horrible.

fwiw my friend had a very difficult time, 7 miscarriages one quite late but after ivf and some treatment she now has an absolutely delightful daughter

Sorry for your losses, do what you need to do and please look after yourself 💝

I've never seen someone be described as a cunt so many times on a thread and I'm so here for it.

OP, she is awful. I hope she reads this thread. Whatever you need to do, do it. If that's keep trying, taking a break, getting testing, whatever. This is your path to build.

Wishing you all the luck in the world. I along with so many others on this thread know the hurt and how utterly soul destroying it is to lose pregnancies.
The last thing you need is deadweight in your life like this. She should be fighting your corner, supporting you. You have her a boundary, you said it upset you, she chose to shit on that and not back down.
She doesn't respect you and I think there's more to this (on her side) from quite a controlling way. It comes across in her messages.

Bin her, and I hope you have your precious baby soon ❤️

It sounds like she doesn't understand anything about miscarriages, the causes or the mechanism. Maybe she genuinely believes it's all due to some defect in a woman's uterus that needs somehow 'fixing'...? Or that's it's similar to an abortion?

Anyway, she's clearly either thick as mince or evil - neither of those things should be what you look for in a friend, bin her off.

What she has said is totally inconsiderate but I read it as she is genuinely just gutted for you and wants you to reach out for help because obviously something isn’t right.

Her ‘defenceless babies’ comment was insensitive but she’s not blaming you, she’s just recognising that these aren’t just cells to you but that they are real babies that you feel a genuine loss for.

She should have just agreed with you and said sorry for your loss.

But I think when someone gets annoyed and frustrated on your behalf because they feel your pain and how unfair it is, then they sound like a good friend.

I personally would tell her how you feel and how you took the message first to decide whether to cut her off or not.

She has zero understanding of what's happening and is incredibly insensitive. I too am going through my 3rd m/c and have been upset by comments much more gentle than this. It's such a hard time for you and not at all what you need. I don't think this friend is the one to discuss things with right now. Have some distance and surround yourself with supportive people only.

Friend you say?

Your ‘friend’ is a class A twat.

I wouldn’t entertain her waffling shite ever again.

Please show her this thread OP!

She's an absolute horror.

What a horrible, insensitive and downright stupid thing to say.

I assume she means, stop trying because you may lose each and every child until they fix what is wrong, if it can be fixed

WTF! Yes delete her out of your life! You were very patience with her in your responses, I would have told her to F off.

She literally said the OP is 'putting the poor defenceless babies through this'

It's sick.
No friends of mine, ever, would say such a thing.
They would and did support me in anyway.
NO friend would do ANYTHING to cause anymore utter heartbreak during such a soul destroying time. Ever.

Let me guess "It wasn't meant to be" "Everything happens for a, reason"

so sorry you had them texts to deal with on top of miscarriage.

you have to do what is good for you and your partner and ignore others.

What a horrible thing for your friend to say.

Longshot but up until this message, has she been a super supportive friend and been there for you night and day with previous MC's and can't get her head round why you are trying again before further medical tests - thinking along the lines of her hating seeing how hard this is for you and her heart is breaking for you and she wants you to stop putting yourself through it in case there is a medical reason?

Or, is she desperately TTC herself and having her own issues?

Not trying to excuse her but can't understand why someone would be so horrible to a friend going through a terrible time.