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AIBU?

Posting here for urgent help, Very long, I need help before I give up

362 replies

nhbid · 10/01/2024 18:50

It’s not my intention to offend anyone so sorry if I word something wrong, I have a 27 year old son, ASD and a multitude of mental health conditions including a personality disorder. His is on medication, but he is exactly the same on meds as he is off them.

He is aggressive, Plays people off against each other, Is a compulsive liar, Can be violent, Sends abusive texts constantly, Has hit me, thrown things at me, threatened to kill me, threatened to burn my home down, Has smashed my windows on my home so much that I had to move, smashed my car up, makes constant threats if he doesn’t get his own way, Blames me for every single little thing that has ever or does ever go wrong in his life, Every single day is another drama which he seems to thrive on and enjoy, Openly tells people he will only know true happiness when I’m dead, Its endless and its every single day of my life. He lives alone, We do not live together.

He loves to cause rifts between the (extended) family then when everything blows up will act all confused and ask why everyone has fallen out with him and why his family can’t just get along. Literally his favourite thing to say is ‘Can’t we all just get along now?’

He enjoys doing things like posting a note through my door at 3am telling me once he gets home he is going to kill himself, he will be dead by the time I read that note and its my fault he is dead, Woke up read that and called an ambulance, When they got there he was playing xbox and told them I fell for it again..

The latest thing he is doing is making up allegations about me, not small things, life changing things, Not only that but he is actually going to to police reporting me and in the last month alone I have had the police to my home asking various questions etc, To give an example he told the police I was trying to kill him by poisoning his food or drinks, I explained he has always been like that with food/drinks, all of his life and will not accept anything from anyone unless its sealed/unopened. He told them I had been taking significant sums of my grandparents money (total lie) Five different allegations so far. The most serious is he started telling people his dad used to touch him when he was a kid, then the same day once everyone knew he said he made it up because he enjoys seeing me hurt and he enjoys the distruction he is causing me. His words.

Two weeks ago he showed up at my home and told me he was going to kill me, I was doing a video with my phone in my pocket and caught him saying that so he was arrested (again) and is now on bail, I was recording because the last time he showed up he smashed my window so I wanted some proof if it happened again. An hour after being released on bail he was banging at my door wanting to be let in.

He then called me last night, I answered and he started screaming at me that I was dead to him, he fucking hates me, wishes I was dead and I’m an evil cunt for what I have done to him, This morning I woke up to a text saying he was sorry that he’s just stressed out, can't we not just get along? then this afternoon called me an evil twisted cunt again. He’s ok for ten minutes then it all starts again.

On top of all of the above he has done nothing but talk of the MI5 following him, children on his street being spies, cars deliberately shining their lights into his windows at night, taxi drivers are all working with the police feeding them information, gangs of people following him, he has had his neighbour arrested for something he didn’t do, and recently shouted in his neighbours face for driving his car out of his own driveway.

There is NOTHING normal in my life and nothing to look forward to, Anything good is shat on or ruined by him instantly. I have had one holiday in ten years, First hour I arrived there he called me to say he was going to kill himself because I was a bitch of a mother that has abandoned him.

Changed my number a few times but he just gets it from other people, Blocked him many times but he just gets a new number or just shows up at my home, If I tell him I want nothing to do with him until he gets help with his mental health he just forces himself back into my life and nothing ever changes or gets better.

His mental health team are aware of all of the above and NEVER get back to me, if I go to speak in person they are always out of home visits, He has been arrested many times and nothing changes.

What can I do to get out of this infinite loop? I woke up today and all I could think was I would be better off dead as there is no way out of all this. This has been going on every single day since he was 13. I'm waking up being sick, I don't feel well myself at all, Every day starts with doom and gloom and drama and I just know today will be the same as tomorrow and the day after and the day after.

I really need help but feel there is none? Apart from changing my identity and moving to the moon I’m unsure if any of this is ever going to change or get better? If I ask for advice from anyone i know nobody knows what to advise because who would really unless they are going through it themselves?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1004 votes. Final results.

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You are NOT being unreasonable
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Naptrappedmummy · 10/01/2024 18:51

I would cut him off and move.

You’ve done all you can and then some. Your life matters too.

Naptrappedmummy · 10/01/2024 18:53

Have you reported him for harassment/stalking by the way? He’ll get locked up if he carries on, not forever but it’ll be something.

Edit: apologies I skimmed the part where you said he was on bail, please phone the police each and every time he does this.

Needahandholdplease2023 · 10/01/2024 18:55

I would move too. You cant be feeling unsafe in your own home its not fair on you, you shouldn't have to uproot and move your life but if noone is helping you I would! I would also keep ringing the police saying you don't feel safe and are very very concerned he's going to act on his threats.

What an awful situation to be in. He does also sounds severely mentally ill. Disgusting his mental health team aren't doing more.

chopinwaltz26 · 10/01/2024 18:59

What happened when he was 13?
Seriously, though, if you can, just get away from your house for a long while.
Is your son on drugs?
Can you get help from the local police, if this has been reported before.
Sounds like an awful nightmare. Is there anything you can do to break this cycle?

itsmylife7 · 10/01/2024 18:59

Who are the people giving him your number ?

You joke about changing name and moving but that's what you'll have to do.

He's a real danger to you OP and may carry out his threats.

How you're managing every day life proves you're strong.

Doyoumind · 10/01/2024 19:00

You can't live like this for the rest of your life. How would you feel about no contact ever again? Is it feasible for you to move and stay hidden from him?

Turkeyhen · 10/01/2024 19:00

Is it possible to move (I realise it may not be that simple)?

Have you seen your GP to ask for support, or you may be able to self refer for counselling (I have done this twice, similar situation)?

Can you get in touch with your local family carers organisation? I had invaluable support from mine (weekly phone call from a MH nurse).

Do report him to the police every time he threatens you and every time he threatens suicide. I’m concerned for your safety. His MH is no excuse for these behaviours.

Tinkerbyebye · 10/01/2024 19:02

I would look at moving and not telling anyone your address, I would also get a second phone and give that number to trusted people, and keep the other one as a way for anyone else to contact you, all calls to voicemail and you call back if you want to. That way he thinks he still has a way to contact you

i would log each episode with the police as harassment and if he is on bail now I would be reporting and getting them to revoke bail

Owlcat42 · 10/01/2024 19:02

I’m so sorry op. You need to get a restraining order against him, and if your local council has a domestic violence service, involve them too, and/or women’s aid. Show them what you’ve written above.

He needs serious professional help but it’s going to have to be the police and social services that gets it for him. He’s a danger to you and you can’t sacrifice your life for his. You’ve done everything you can.

Itssummer223 · 10/01/2024 19:04

Owlcat42 · 10/01/2024 19:02

I’m so sorry op. You need to get a restraining order against him, and if your local council has a domestic violence service, involve them too, and/or women’s aid. Show them what you’ve written above.

He needs serious professional help but it’s going to have to be the police and social services that gets it for him. He’s a danger to you and you can’t sacrifice your life for his. You’ve done everything you can.

This ^^ definitely contact womans aid

savethatkitty · 10/01/2024 19:04

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP it sounds dreadful. As others have suggested, document everything, save every nasty voicemail, text message, sticky note etc. Document when he turns up at your house or calls you. Then, seek a restraining order for the stalking & harassment! I believe it's not classed as a crime.

Then move, block & delete. Any family members who are giving him your contact details, I'd be cutting them off too, unfortunately.

As difficult as it must be, try not to engage, try not to react to these threats, that's what he wants, that's what feeds him, knowing he's hurting you.

MuchTooTired · 10/01/2024 19:05

Holy shit balls, this sounds like a living nightmare for you. I don’t think I’ve ever thought said this before, but I honestly think if it’s at all feasible you need to completely cut him off and disappear. You shouldn’t have to, there should be support in place to protect you from him, but given the state of the country the only thing I can think of is disappear. I am so, so sorry this is happening to you, it sounds complete and utter hell.

GoldDuster · 10/01/2024 19:05

I'd be changing my identity and moving to the moon. If your family aren't supporting you and keep handing on your number when you change it, I would make sure they don't know where you've moved to either. Get a seperate number on a cheap phone that you can turn off when you're not using it to contact them, and withold the number.

You really are going to have to go clean slate for this, but it will be less stressful in the long run than living with this and you can get your life back on track. Sending you peace.

hotrocks84 · 10/01/2024 19:06

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You must be so, so incredibly strong to have endured so much horrific behaviour.

Don't give up. Things can change.

Have you tried calling the National domestic violence helpline? Family violence like this falls under domestic violence, its not just intimate partners. I wonder if going into refuge would give you some breathing space to think about a next move. The helpline will be able to look for a space and talk you through how it works. They can also talk you through other options and maybe find some specialist local support. I'm thinking that would be more useful to you as it'll put your needs first and foremost and they'll have loads of ideas about keeping safe and getting free from this horrible time.

I used to volunteer on the helpline. Give them a go.

DyslexicPoster · 10/01/2024 19:06

Can he drive? If not can you move far enough away that he needs multiple buses or a few Chang of trains to reach you? Under a hour away by car could involving a train into then out of London for me for example. Its not far to get backed my hometown but if you don't drive its two hours via London and not possible at all via bus. If I moved a few miles from house I could then be two hours by train and almost a hour by bus.

Can you get two sim cards? One number on a brick phone you check twice a day for family emergency and your normal phone only given to people your 100% don't converse with your son or would tell him your number.

Then set up how often you see him when and where and has to suck up that's the new routine. He only sees mum x days a month. You will have your phone turned off during x hours. Rules. New rules and be consistent.

But you need to move.

Your son is being failed by the system. But you can't help him either. I'm sure you done what's within your power.

Naptrappedmummy · 10/01/2024 19:07

Also change your car and name if possible. Choose a house with a concealed entrance. Agree about the 2 mobile phones. It’s a totally hideous situation but the rest of your life will be a misery if you don’t.

Flickersy · 10/01/2024 19:07

You need to move, quite a distance, and not tell anyone where you've gone to. Change your number and do not give it to anyone who knows him. You can keep in touch with family via email and social media without giving them your phone number or address.

nhbid · 10/01/2024 19:08

Crying reading the replies, I don't know how it all got to this stage.

Someone asked what happened when he was 13, nothing at all apart from him waking up and the agression starting randomly one day. It went on from there.

OP posts:
GreatAuntMaude · 10/01/2024 19:08

Sounds like he is in psychosis. Can you write a list of his delusional thoughts and request that they consider a section?

Notthegodofsmallthings · 10/01/2024 19:10

What type of personality disorder does he have?

GreatAuntMaude · 10/01/2024 19:10

Autism and bipolar often co-occur. Tbh it sounds like he is being terribly failed by his mental health team, he has lost track of reality.
And in turn you are suffering.

I have known two other autistic young people with bipolar, both turned on their mother as the source of much of their delusional thinking.

MrsMarzetti · 10/01/2024 19:11

Sending a hug and a hand hold. You have need to let your son go now. Move and live the life of peace you need. As said above go very low contact with all of your family x

theduchessofspork · 10/01/2024 19:14

I am not often shocked but bloody hell this is awful OP, I am so sorry.

Can you cut off all contact from now on? Because I think that, plus moving, is what you have to do - this will very possibly include changing your name. I’m assuming he is intimidating family into giving him your number, so you are going to have to manage how you meet and contact them, so they don’t have your new number, surname or physical address.

Contacting women’s aid is a good idea, I also think it might be worth exploring how the new stalking laws might be used to protect you once you have stopped contact. One of the big challenges here is to get the police to take you seriously.

nhbid · 10/01/2024 19:15

Notthegodofsmallthings · 10/01/2024 19:10

What type of personality disorder does he have?

Borderline personality disorder, also ASD, OCD, Anxiety, Paranoid schizophrenia..

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