Posting here for urgent help, Very long, I need help before I give up

[nhbid]

It’s not my intention to offend anyone so sorry if I word something wrong, I have a 27 year old son, ASD and a multitude of mental health conditions including a personality disorder. His is on medication, but he is exactly the same on meds as he is off them.

He is aggressive, Plays people off against each other, Is a compulsive liar, Can be violent, Sends abusive texts constantly, Has hit me, thrown things at me, threatened to kill me, threatened to burn my home down, Has smashed my windows on my home so much that I had to move, smashed my car up, makes constant threats if he doesn’t get his own way, Blames me for every single little thing that has ever or does ever go wrong in his life, Every single day is another drama which he seems to thrive on and enjoy, Openly tells people he will only know true happiness when I’m dead, Its endless and its every single day of my life. He lives alone, We do not live together.

He loves to cause rifts between the (extended) family then when everything blows up will act all confused and ask why everyone has fallen out with him and why his family can’t just get along. Literally his favourite thing to say is ‘Can’t we all just get along now?’

He enjoys doing things like posting a note through my door at 3am telling me once he gets home he is going to kill himself, he will be dead by the time I read that note and its my fault he is dead, Woke up read that and called an ambulance, When they got there he was playing xbox and told them I fell for it again..

The latest thing he is doing is making up allegations about me, not small things, life changing things, Not only that but he is actually going to to police reporting me and in the last month alone I have had the police to my home asking various questions etc, To give an example he told the police I was trying to kill him by poisoning his food or drinks, I explained he has always been like that with food/drinks, all of his life and will not accept anything from anyone unless its sealed/unopened. He told them I had been taking significant sums of my grandparents money (total lie) Five different allegations so far. The most serious is he started telling people his dad used to touch him when he was a kid, then the same day once everyone knew he said he made it up because he enjoys seeing me hurt and he enjoys the distruction he is causing me. His words.

Two weeks ago he showed up at my home and told me he was going to kill me, I was doing a video with my phone in my pocket and caught him saying that so he was arrested (again) and is now on bail, I was recording because the last time he showed up he smashed my window so I wanted some proof if it happened again. An hour after being released on bail he was banging at my door wanting to be let in.

He then called me last night, I answered and he started screaming at me that I was dead to him, he fucking hates me, wishes I was dead and I’m an evil cunt for what I have done to him, This morning I woke up to a text saying he was sorry that he’s just stressed out, can't we not just get along? then this afternoon called me an evil twisted cunt again. He’s ok for ten minutes then it all starts again.

On top of all of the above he has done nothing but talk of the MI5 following him, children on his street being spies, cars deliberately shining their lights into his windows at night, taxi drivers are all working with the police feeding them information, gangs of people following him, he has had his neighbour arrested for something he didn’t do, and recently shouted in his neighbours face for driving his car out of his own driveway.

There is NOTHING normal in my life and nothing to look forward to, Anything good is shat on or ruined by him instantly. I have had one holiday in ten years, First hour I arrived there he called me to say he was going to kill himself because I was a bitch of a mother that has abandoned him.

Changed my number a few times but he just gets it from other people, Blocked him many times but he just gets a new number or just shows up at my home, If I tell him I want nothing to do with him until he gets help with his mental health he just forces himself back into my life and nothing ever changes or gets better.

His mental health team are aware of all of the above and NEVER get back to me, if I go to speak in person they are always out of home visits, He has been arrested many times and nothing changes.

What can I do to get out of this infinite loop? I woke up today and all I could think was I would be better off dead as there is no way out of all this. This has been going on every single day since he was 13. I'm waking up being sick, I don't feel well myself at all, Every day starts with doom and gloom and drama and I just know today will be the same as tomorrow and the day after and the day after.

I really need help but feel there is none? Apart from changing my identity and moving to the moon I’m unsure if any of this is ever going to change or get better? If I ask for advice from anyone i know nobody knows what to advise because who would really unless they are going through it themselves?

I don’t think Bail Conditions would keep him away, he’s delusional so unlikely to stick with what he’s been told. Putting him in prison won’t solve his problems, prisons are wall to wall young men who are failures of the MH “services”. I suppose there, if he were arrested, Plod might call MH services in

I agree with what others have said, you need to look after your physical safety, and get away if possible.

Are his current behaviours spiralling ?

Can you go to a shelter for protection while you let him sectioned? I am even scare someone like that cross my path on the street. Do not wait. Leave now if you can or asap.

He used to be on risperidone (spelling?) not sure what its called the thing he is on now but i do know its a montly injection.

His opinion on residential placements is if he was to go in one he would kill himself, he's not like all the other people in those places, according to him.

No affectionate moments, He will pretend if that makes sense.

'Thank for the christmas present mum, xx' ten minutes later.. 'The present you got me is in the bin where it belongs, I don't want anything from a cunt.'.. Its all fake if that makes sense, to say get what he wants then as soon as he has whatever it is its back to 'You are dead to me you bitch'

This might be a crazy idea but why not fake your own death or disappearance? You have nothing to lose and you don't owe your son anything. You have done your best, and you had no control over the mental illnesses he was born with. Some of those diagnoses are downright dangerous if he chooses to project it to you. You can begin by mentioning to a few people that you're depressed (for good reason). Then play the whole thing up and appear more dishevelled over the weeks.

In a similar way to how some women quietly "get their ducks in a row" before divorcing their husband or running from domestic violence, you need to set a plan in action. Like some previous posters said, consider changing your name in secret and make plans to escape. Take out regular amounts in cash and try to live as sparingly as possible so you have savings. Make sure nobody else has access to your bank account or create a new one if necessary. Sell your car if you have one to raise more money. From the outside it would seem like the actions of severe depression or someone in financial difficulties.

Then create a fairly predictable but hard to trace disappearance such as leaving all your personal belongings at home and the door to your home open (like you just walked out and didn't take anything). But obviously have the cash, new phone, new bankcards on you. You may have to take your passport with as well but by the time anyone figures that out you will hopefully be long gone. Get the train somewhere as far away and as random as you can think of. Ideally it would be overseas because that drastically reduces the chances of anyone being able to find you. Obviously there are logistical issues like visa and work but you may want to research those before you leave (use incognito move or delete all your search histories).

There was a thread a few weeks ago from a woman about how her mother walked out of her and her sister when they were teens and they never saw or heard from her again. There was a complex backstory there which may have made the decision understandable. This happens surprisingly often. You mostly need to hide any evidence of your new whereabouts from your son or whoever would be most invested in finding you. They obviously won't have access to CCTV footage, phone records etc but they might be able to search your computer history. The police have seen cases like this many, many times. Apparently over 90% of missing persons cases are all voluntary and the people are alive and well elsewhere. Any authorities are extremely unlikely the pursue it further once they can tell you are alive but elsewhere.

This is dreadful, i back what the others have said.

You need to think about you, it must be so hard as he is your son after all.
But it seems the only option to report as has been done already and continue, this seems like it will be the only way for him to get further help, as he will get pushed up in the queue a bit quicker.

MH services are in a dire state, but those who work in it are great, they are just part of the state of the system.

Although I have not seen or heard quite a bit of what you have suffered and experienced.

Some of what he says/does, reminds me of someone, and they are bi polar apparently, but i then discovered that they have a massive cocaine habit 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d be getting a restraining order, moving and informing his team of everything he’s doing to you.

He sounds like he’s beyond help currently so you need to cut him off and get as much distance between you both for your own sanity

Yes - my thoughts exactly. Why should the OP move and change her identity (horror) and not tell anyone where she is going - she must need her friends...it sounds like her son needs to be placed on section and medication. Surely that is the best route.

I am adding my voice to the others, advising you to move away, get physically away from this damaged man who intends to harm you. It doesn't matter that he is your son. You don't owe him anything. He's an adult and not your responsibility. Move house, move town, move county, get away from him and get some peace and safety in your life.

OP, I'm so, so, sorry. I've had a fraction of this from my autistic & anxious teen daughter, who is now a lot better and actively working on her knee-jerk responses of blaming me and telling me to die. Mostly she's threatened (and attempted) to kill herself.

She doesn't have a diagnosis of BPD or more importantly schizophrenia, which in your case makes this much more complicated and serious.

She has however had the odd episode of psychosis and @Beastiesandthebeauty 's suggestion of whether one of the meds he is on begins with R struck a bell in awful recognition, as DD had an awful time on a drug beginning with R that just increased her suicidal ideation, self-harm and anxiety & aggression. It had a devastating affect on her and we had to take her off it abruptly after a month or two as it was messing up her life.

In terms of what you can do, I agree with the section and restraining order.

The section because I think then you can rest easier knowing you did what you could for him. And because he's a danger.

It's so hard and so emotionally draining and I really, really feel for you

This isn't true or helpful.

I think you need to move for your sake, but also for his. If he makes good on his threats, he will suffer, too.

Do you have other children? Do you have a partner? Do you have the money to move and a job that you can do elsewhere?

Jesus fucking christ, this is a nightmare.

Get a restraining order. I believe you can apply for an emergency one and that video you have plus the texts pretty much guarantees it'll be approved.

You should also contact domestic abuse resources. If he's likely to be violent, you may need to get somewhere safe while the order goes through and then move so he doesn't know where you live.

Change your number and don't give it to anyone who is in contact with him. Cut all contact with anyone still in contact with him.

Son or not, you've done the best you can for as long as you can and you need to protect yourself now. Enough is enough

You say he's the same even with medication - I wonder whether he's actually taking it or whether he just says he is.

I don’t know about the moon, but I would definitely move a long way away, and not tell him where you’ve moved to.
You could keep in touch with relatives by email and phone, but don’t give anyone your address, at least until he is safely contained, either in a mental health establishment where he will get the help he needs (hopefully) or in prison (hope not, but sadly likely).

I had a boyfriend in my 20s who was bipolar and subject to psychotic episodes. His family were no contact, as was his previous wife and the mother of his children.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your son is dangerous and it's fine for you to leave.

Why should the OP changer her name and move. This is a huge upheaval - she can't disappear and start over. She needs a support system in the form of her friends. The police need to be involved and her son placed on section. He needs to be taken out of circulation and the correct medication found.

Yes, I just read one of your replies and schizophrenia is what I expected. You poor lady. Heartbreaking for you but having experienced my mum having schizophrenia, I think you just have to try to protect yourself as much as possible. Schizophrenia is a vile thing. I haven't read the full thread, but if you can, move away. I don't know whether there are any support groups for families of schizophrenics,but if so,you should contact them. Good luck.

Why should the OP move? Because she is in clear and present danger.

Yes, her son does need help and that would be the best route were help available and were he willing to accept it. Neither of those sound likely, given he's been arrested and given his attitude to a residential placement. He is an adult and OP needs to look after herself first.

She can keep in touch with friends via email, social media, video chats via Facebook, and meetups halfway. Moving away doesn't mean given up friends and family.

His fear of being spied on is quite a psychosis presentation he may need a mental health assessment.
I'm so so sorry that you are going through this…. The darker side of autism, the less ‘ celebrate neurodiversity’ side. Yes difference can be magical…. It can also be so challenging for everyone involved including the individual, I hope this thread is supportive. X

Do you not have a social worker involved from your local council?

Not every psycho has had childhood trauma. This assumption is not helpful.

Some are just born that way, even if it doesn't show until later in their teens

Short term plan
Go completely no contact with him immediately.
Inform your family that you have gone no contact and tell them you don’t want any further discussion around your decision and any ignoring of that request may mean you have to distance yourself from them.
Get a new phone but use the old one on a sim only contract to speak to family that might be tempted to give him your number. Don’t tell any family members you don’t trust that you have a new phone and limit your old phone usage to whatever feels manageable emotionally for you, for instance once or twice a week.
Get a ring doorbell to record evidence of his attendance at your home.
Call the police EVERY time he makes a threat to you and 999 every time he makes a threat to himself.

Arrange therapy to receive the emotional support you desperately need.

Long term plan
Seek a non molestation order and call the police every single time he breaches it.
Move and do not tell ANYONE who is linked to him your address.

I really hope you can navigate your way out of this. You can’t carry on like this. Now is the time for boundaries of steel.

It’s been 10+ years and he’s threatened to kill her on numerous occasions, and seems to be unstable enough to do it. He’s breaking bail conditions. It sounds very true sadly.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, after everything you did to raise your son and this is how he treats you. It sounds like he clearly has problems but this has massively crossed a line and you need to cut contact with him for your own sake. And do not feel bad in any way when you do. This is an awful way to be treated. Thinking of you <3

This.
He sounds absolutely awful and completely irredeemable.

What have you got to lose? Move, create a new identity and never look back.