Posting here for urgent help, Very long, I need help before I give up

[nhbid]

It’s not my intention to offend anyone so sorry if I word something wrong, I have a 27 year old son, ASD and a multitude of mental health conditions including a personality disorder. His is on medication, but he is exactly the same on meds as he is off them.

He is aggressive, Plays people off against each other, Is a compulsive liar, Can be violent, Sends abusive texts constantly, Has hit me, thrown things at me, threatened to kill me, threatened to burn my home down, Has smashed my windows on my home so much that I had to move, smashed my car up, makes constant threats if he doesn’t get his own way, Blames me for every single little thing that has ever or does ever go wrong in his life, Every single day is another drama which he seems to thrive on and enjoy, Openly tells people he will only know true happiness when I’m dead, Its endless and its every single day of my life. He lives alone, We do not live together.

He loves to cause rifts between the (extended) family then when everything blows up will act all confused and ask why everyone has fallen out with him and why his family can’t just get along. Literally his favourite thing to say is ‘Can’t we all just get along now?’

He enjoys doing things like posting a note through my door at 3am telling me once he gets home he is going to kill himself, he will be dead by the time I read that note and its my fault he is dead, Woke up read that and called an ambulance, When they got there he was playing xbox and told them I fell for it again..

The latest thing he is doing is making up allegations about me, not small things, life changing things, Not only that but he is actually going to to police reporting me and in the last month alone I have had the police to my home asking various questions etc, To give an example he told the police I was trying to kill him by poisoning his food or drinks, I explained he has always been like that with food/drinks, all of his life and will not accept anything from anyone unless its sealed/unopened. He told them I had been taking significant sums of my grandparents money (total lie) Five different allegations so far. The most serious is he started telling people his dad used to touch him when he was a kid, then the same day once everyone knew he said he made it up because he enjoys seeing me hurt and he enjoys the distruction he is causing me. His words.

Two weeks ago he showed up at my home and told me he was going to kill me, I was doing a video with my phone in my pocket and caught him saying that so he was arrested (again) and is now on bail, I was recording because the last time he showed up he smashed my window so I wanted some proof if it happened again. An hour after being released on bail he was banging at my door wanting to be let in.

He then called me last night, I answered and he started screaming at me that I was dead to him, he fucking hates me, wishes I was dead and I’m an evil cunt for what I have done to him, This morning I woke up to a text saying he was sorry that he’s just stressed out, can't we not just get along? then this afternoon called me an evil twisted cunt again. He’s ok for ten minutes then it all starts again.

On top of all of the above he has done nothing but talk of the MI5 following him, children on his street being spies, cars deliberately shining their lights into his windows at night, taxi drivers are all working with the police feeding them information, gangs of people following him, he has had his neighbour arrested for something he didn’t do, and recently shouted in his neighbours face for driving his car out of his own driveway.

There is NOTHING normal in my life and nothing to look forward to, Anything good is shat on or ruined by him instantly. I have had one holiday in ten years, First hour I arrived there he called me to say he was going to kill himself because I was a bitch of a mother that has abandoned him.

Changed my number a few times but he just gets it from other people, Blocked him many times but he just gets a new number or just shows up at my home, If I tell him I want nothing to do with him until he gets help with his mental health he just forces himself back into my life and nothing ever changes or gets better.

His mental health team are aware of all of the above and NEVER get back to me, if I go to speak in person they are always out of home visits, He has been arrested many times and nothing changes.

What can I do to get out of this infinite loop? I woke up today and all I could think was I would be better off dead as there is no way out of all this. This has been going on every single day since he was 13. I'm waking up being sick, I don't feel well myself at all, Every day starts with doom and gloom and drama and I just know today will be the same as tomorrow and the day after and the day after.

I really need help but feel there is none? Apart from changing my identity and moving to the moon I’m unsure if any of this is ever going to change or get better? If I ask for advice from anyone i know nobody knows what to advise because who would really unless they are going through it themselves?

It sounds as though he plainly meets the criteria to be sectioned (has a mental disorder which needs assessment or treatment in hospital, and is a danger to self or others if not detained for it, I paraphrase). But that would require his mental health team to actually engage with him and sadly there are a lot of people who need a section who don't get one because of shortages of funds, staff and beds.

What is the police position? If he's on bail do you have a named officer who could lean on the mental health team to get in touch with him and assess for section?

This situation is one of the most awful I’ve read on here. I’m so sorry you are going through this OP.
You briefly mentioned extended family, are any of them supporting you with your son? Does everyone know the extent of his behaviour or does he mask it a bit in front of others? Would your extended family help out with him if you stepped away for a bit?
You need to have a break. I think others are right, you should move away. You shouldn’t have to live like this.

As the mother of a child with behavioural challenges, it seems that you aren't really committed to fully going no-contact with him, is this because of guilt do you think? You can and probably should or, as you say, your life isn't really worth living. Can you get some advice, particularly on abuse, some legal protection, for harassment at least. Then move, change your number and block any calls apart from known contacts? You may still be able to help from afar but it needs to be on your terms not his, and unless you protect yourself you will never be able to advocate for him in the future if you need to (and it would actually help). It is a truly horrible situation to be in.

This is a heartening story. There is always hope OP, but keeping yourself safe has to be #1 priority.

I haven't read the whole thread yet but I will. I just want to echo the posters on page 1 - you will have to move. Seriously.

I have a family member with schizoaffective disorder and they made my life hell turning up at my house when off their meds, and they didn't do a fraction of the things your DS is doing to you. I don't know how on earth you've found the strength to get up in the morning. You poor poor woman.

I moved, blocked her number and made sure people with my new address knew not to give it to her. I have cut all contact permanently.

I appreciate that it's alot harder for you as he's your son and you're bound to feel tethered to him, but if you don't break away soon then you will lose your life. He has escalated to such an extent that the risk cannot be managed. Services are failing the pair of you.

Please, get out of there as soon as humanly possible.

Women's aid can help you with refuge for the interim whilst you look at your options and figure out your next steps. Tell them you are in danger and in fear for your life, make it clear he has assaulted you previously and is threatening to kill you.

The police can be shit when its a mentally ill person commiting offences. My relative knows she can get away with whatever she does because of her mental health, she laughs about it.

I'm agog that they haven't had him sectioned by now.

I could weep at the state of mental health services in this country. I don't know what people think would happen if your son is sectioned- not lot. Not these days. But it is what it is, not to sound glib. It just is. And I'm sure you've tried every single avenue you could possibly go down, you sound like an incredible lady and mother.
It's time to put as much distance between yourself and him as possible now, to give yourself your best chance of a peaceful life

This is dreadful and I'm so sorry you're having to go through it. Sadly, getting some resolution to this probably isn't going to be easy. Report, report, report, every incident to the Police and if they are refusing to take action it might be an idea to write to your local MP saying what you've said on here and telling him/her what action the Police have taken (if any)/what they've said to you. You may need to escalate to a formal complaint against the Police if they are still refusing to do anything, especially as he is making threats to you. Always take the collar numbers of the officers you deal with, so that you have a record of who you spoke to.

You need to document absolutely every occurrence - dates, times, what was said/done, what action you took, the outcome, etc. Is there any way you can get witness/es to what he does/says, or at least some of the incidents? Do you record the incidents and what he says, even some of it?

What about Social Services - what are they doing? If they are unobtainable when you try to get in contact, then again document, document, document, everything - and again you might need to escalate to a formal complaint. Make sure your home is secure - good locks, etc. and if you move again do not let anyone know your new location/tel. number, unless you are certain you can 100% trust that person not to pass this information on.

The police have powers to section and detain to a safe place. If he breaches his bail terms and comes near you OP call the police and get them to section him if you're getting nowhere with his mental health team.

Exactly this .

Im so sorry that you’re dealing with this, no parent should be in the position of having to escape from their own child, but it’s probably in your best interests.
I agree with a PP that he sounds like he has psychosis. You say he’s medicated but it makes no difference - does he ever have med reviews, has he been sectioned ever or been in a psychiatric ward, etc?

Just move away and cut him off. You can't save him and he is doing you serious harm. You have to put yourself first.

I agree with what's already been said. You need to move as nothing is going to change.

Who is giving him your number and why? I lies he tells to family, why do they believe it if they know what he's like?

Definitely look into moving but install cameras in the meantime. Call police every time he threatens you and when he puts threatening notes through your door.

The MH team probably won't get back to you as he's an adult and they'd be breaking confidentiality if they did.

I think people dont understand how difficult it is to get someone sectioned. Even when he is arrested and in the cells the police have the opportunity to request a MHA, they usually dont because it means keeping the person there until the AMHP turns up, often not turning up.

MH professionals will often say that the beahviour is not due to current psychosis but is either behavioural or doesnt meet the criteria/not actively psychotic/choice based or person wouldnt engage

Even if sectioned, often its only for a very short period, they are then discharged with an inappropriate or non existent discharge and treatment plan, then the person doesnt engage and what do you know, MH services close the case due to non compliance or engagement

Lets not have a distracting discussion of the etiology of schizophrenia. My point was that a search for causes is irrelevant —the OP’s son has his team and they can take care of his needs.who will take care of OP?

Alot of these conditions the meds to 'cure' on symptom can amplify many others, he needs to be under constant surveillance while they find the right combination.

I think you have suffered more than enough and you now need to move, if you can, and if you can't trust family members not to share your new whereabouts, then don't tell them. The more distance you can put between you and your son the better. This is no way to live your one life. Put yourself first, protect your physical and mental health and feel no guilt at all. You've put up with far more than many would, son or not. Good luck. I do hope you can get away.

I’m so sorry he is doing this to you OP.

So sorry you are going through all this, how horrific for you. Absolutely sounds like he needs urgent mental health interventions. Maybe sectioning. If he has a crisis team could you speak to them? Sounds like you are doing as much as you possibly can with little to no help from the authorities, but you don't deserve and shouldn't be treated like this. Sending hugs

I agree that's why why I wrote another poster suggesting she gathers as much evidence as possible. I feel sorry for the op she doesn't deserve any of it but they won't do anything until something devastating happens. He could kill her if she doesn't do something quickly.

You have done all you can but you shouldn’t have to be dealing with this any more: this is what the state is meant to be for. He probably needs to be sectioned, he sounds dangerous to himself, to you, and to others.

I hope you can get some talking therapy. ‘ better Help’ (google it) is an online option rather than waiting for NHS referral.

I agree with everyone saying move away. I cannot see how you can do any more for him. You need to get yourself well again, I can’t imagine the stress you’ve been under. Is going abroad for a bit a possibility?

I think with the person I know, it was when the mum started to say that she expected to be killed, and so had written a letter explaining who she had spoken to to try to get her adult child help, including names and dates, and that she would expect them to have questions to answer at her inquest, that they started taking the situation more seriously. They also tried to release her child into the family's care early in the first section and the family refused to accept that responsibility. The final month in hospital the adult child was on day release.

Definately guilt. Rest of the family have pretty much turned their backs on him but if I try to I get guilt tripped with 'Oh but he's your son, you can't just walk away, you can't just abandon him' etc

This might be a crazy idea

Yes. Yes it is.

Possibly the stupidest and most unfeasible advice I’ve ever read on Mumsnet, and that’s among some stiff competition

OP I have no advice but I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this.I am also so sorry for your sons problems which seem to be not far off crisis point, he sounds so trapped in his thinking and I think he desperately needs some intervention from professionals.

@pikkumyy77 I didn't mention sexual abuse my bil wasn't sexually abused he saw violence growing up from his mother's boyfriend. In his late 30s he commited arson and was sectioned. He's out now under the care of a social worker. He was heavily medicated and will never be the same again.