Posting here for urgent help, Very long, I need help before I give up

[nhbid]

It’s not my intention to offend anyone so sorry if I word something wrong, I have a 27 year old son, ASD and a multitude of mental health conditions including a personality disorder. His is on medication, but he is exactly the same on meds as he is off them.

He is aggressive, Plays people off against each other, Is a compulsive liar, Can be violent, Sends abusive texts constantly, Has hit me, thrown things at me, threatened to kill me, threatened to burn my home down, Has smashed my windows on my home so much that I had to move, smashed my car up, makes constant threats if he doesn’t get his own way, Blames me for every single little thing that has ever or does ever go wrong in his life, Every single day is another drama which he seems to thrive on and enjoy, Openly tells people he will only know true happiness when I’m dead, Its endless and its every single day of my life. He lives alone, We do not live together.

He loves to cause rifts between the (extended) family then when everything blows up will act all confused and ask why everyone has fallen out with him and why his family can’t just get along. Literally his favourite thing to say is ‘Can’t we all just get along now?’

He enjoys doing things like posting a note through my door at 3am telling me once he gets home he is going to kill himself, he will be dead by the time I read that note and its my fault he is dead, Woke up read that and called an ambulance, When they got there he was playing xbox and told them I fell for it again..

The latest thing he is doing is making up allegations about me, not small things, life changing things, Not only that but he is actually going to to police reporting me and in the last month alone I have had the police to my home asking various questions etc, To give an example he told the police I was trying to kill him by poisoning his food or drinks, I explained he has always been like that with food/drinks, all of his life and will not accept anything from anyone unless its sealed/unopened. He told them I had been taking significant sums of my grandparents money (total lie) Five different allegations so far. The most serious is he started telling people his dad used to touch him when he was a kid, then the same day once everyone knew he said he made it up because he enjoys seeing me hurt and he enjoys the distruction he is causing me. His words.

Two weeks ago he showed up at my home and told me he was going to kill me, I was doing a video with my phone in my pocket and caught him saying that so he was arrested (again) and is now on bail, I was recording because the last time he showed up he smashed my window so I wanted some proof if it happened again. An hour after being released on bail he was banging at my door wanting to be let in.

He then called me last night, I answered and he started screaming at me that I was dead to him, he fucking hates me, wishes I was dead and I’m an evil cunt for what I have done to him, This morning I woke up to a text saying he was sorry that he’s just stressed out, can't we not just get along? then this afternoon called me an evil twisted cunt again. He’s ok for ten minutes then it all starts again.

On top of all of the above he has done nothing but talk of the MI5 following him, children on his street being spies, cars deliberately shining their lights into his windows at night, taxi drivers are all working with the police feeding them information, gangs of people following him, he has had his neighbour arrested for something he didn’t do, and recently shouted in his neighbours face for driving his car out of his own driveway.

There is NOTHING normal in my life and nothing to look forward to, Anything good is shat on or ruined by him instantly. I have had one holiday in ten years, First hour I arrived there he called me to say he was going to kill himself because I was a bitch of a mother that has abandoned him.

Changed my number a few times but he just gets it from other people, Blocked him many times but he just gets a new number or just shows up at my home, If I tell him I want nothing to do with him until he gets help with his mental health he just forces himself back into my life and nothing ever changes or gets better.

His mental health team are aware of all of the above and NEVER get back to me, if I go to speak in person they are always out of home visits, He has been arrested many times and nothing changes.

What can I do to get out of this infinite loop? I woke up today and all I could think was I would be better off dead as there is no way out of all this. This has been going on every single day since he was 13. I'm waking up being sick, I don't feel well myself at all, Every day starts with doom and gloom and drama and I just know today will be the same as tomorrow and the day after and the day after.

I really need help but feel there is none? Apart from changing my identity and moving to the moon I’m unsure if any of this is ever going to change or get better? If I ask for advice from anyone i know nobody knows what to advise because who would really unless they are going through it themselves?

As for the advice given to ‘ fake your own death’ …. I would advice against this 😂 may turn into quite a complicated situation

Ive worked within mental health services, is this any chance a psychosis? Also he definitely needs emergency mental health services...you have proof of his behaviour and accusations. He really needs to be sectioned imho and medication tailored. You still need to protect yourself. He needs protection too

This is actually not appropriate !! Also quite bizarre ‘ advice’

I have no advice but I couldn't just read and scroll by. I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds just dreadful.

No mention of dad in the picture he may not have been traumatised but there is no male figure. Has the op had any past relationships that didn't go well etc etc etc.

Cut him off and move. I would never advocate a parent cutting a child off but for your sake and that of his father you need to write him off and move. He's never going to change.

I used to work in an agency (US) which specialized in people with psychotic disorders, such as schizophrenia. The list of diagnoses that OP’s son holds really does not surprise me, or the consequences of this litany of miseries.

OP there is no available cure for his diagnoses. Some medications can bring one or the other slightly under control but nothing will create a healthy, non disordered, personality. Even if you could lessen the paranoia and the psychosis his various personality disorders will still render him unsafe for you. If he can’t be sectioned and institutionalized I really think changing your name and moving is absolutely a valid choice. Perhaps the only safe choice. Ignore people who think this is unfair. Of course it is unfair! But the situation you are describing is absolutely going to destroy you. You need a break.

I would do what the others suggested put cameras around your home so you have prove. Your case will be made stronger the more evidence you collect.

EUPD is caused by childhood trauma.

Psychopathy is not EUPD.

@nhbid Have read your updates and am wincing over them.
NO mother could endure that.
I genuinely would just sell up and go.

There is a woman I know who as a teenager came home and found their parents house locked and empty.

Her and her sibling were basically abandoned and to this day she has no idea whatever became of them.

So it is possible to 'escape', even in these days of social media.

Death threats, the person your son is now is a dangerous man.

No one would blame you from escaping this hellish situation.

You need a clean break from him OP. I would honestly consider moving away.

Jesus can people stop with these traumatizing accusations? Paranoid schizophrenia is not induced by trauma. And all complex trauma is not limited to sexual abuse. At any rate with the set of MH issues he currently holds there is no real significance to digging up the “ur” trauma. It doesn’t matter. He is at risk of assaulting and killing his mother. That has to be addressed.

You need to report him for stalking and harassment. Every. Single. Time. Record him every time he comes to your house, record phone calls, keep texts and notes etc. Get a restraining order. He will break it but then they will eventually after multiple times lock him up. I had an ex like this. He was vile, and very much like this with his parents. He had so many restraining orders from various friends/exes and family. Above all, don't blame yourself.

He is dangerously mentally ill if he thinks MI5 are after him etc. Honestly, he belongs in a secure psychiatric unit.

I’m amazed he hasn’t been charged with wasting police time yet. I think you need to speak to the police about his behaviour. He is severely harassing you and issuing threats to kill. I appreciate that he is your son but he has no good feelings towards you in any way and he’s getting off on hurting you.

I would be trying to get a restraining order. I would also be having a stern word with the rest of the family about him.

He may well not be "beyond help", but he needs someone to advocate for him. He is ill. He needs sectioning until he can see that his thinking is faulty.

It may not be his mum to be that advocate, she may feel she can't.

But I have known a person behaving almost carbon copy to this, finally sectioned after threats to kill their mum who they claimed was stealing from them, also autistic. That person was eventually put on section in hospital for 4 months and now 2 years later is completely stable on the correct medication dosage and back in work, the relationship with mum is fully restored and they are back to being the person they were before they became ill.

A friend's brother was very similar and they ended up having to get a restraining order. He is also Autistic and has a personality disorder which is exacerbated by drug use. He was violent towards the parents multiple times, constantly threatened suicide if they didn't agree to demands, broke in to the parents home and made death threats. The restraining order has helped and they have had a relatively peaceful few months compared to stress and fear that they had before it. It's not been easy though and they feel very guilty.

The man has not been diagnosed with EUPD.
I used 'psycho' in the colloquial sense.

Making the OP think his case is due to childhood trauma is not helpful.

Honestly I’d move away. You could still contact him occasionally, send birthday cards etc. but until he is prepared to get some mental health help you can’t help him.
Your life and mental health matters too.

Hi,
Just want to send you a huge hug. I used to work with people like your son so have had a small window into what this world can be like.
His actions are abusive, have you had any support from your local domestic abuse service? They can help you disappear into a new beginning if you need to and I think that is what I would need to do if I was in your shoes.

Is he also using substances? There are some amazing support fellowships like alanon for families of alcoholics who are so so supportive with these things.

There would be a lot of sacrifices to be made. It seems like your friends cannot be trusted to keep your number safe and so I would at the absolute most only share an email address with them, change your name and absolutely not tell them the new one, and have your phone set so any of your calls out only show a private number. If they share your email it's easier to delete emails than to ignore phone calls all hours of the day. You deserve to be safe and happy too.
The domestic abuse services often run courses to help build you up too. They can also do target hardening, making your home safer.

Whatever you decide i wish you all the best, and relaxed happy walks with the sun on your skin and wind in your hair, being free.

Then you need to read the OP again as his most serious allegation was made about his father. What’s happened in the past is irrelevant, the only thing the OP should do now is keep herself safe.

Move and don't tell anyone where you're going.

No childhood tauma, His dad and I split up before he was born but he has always been involved and lives about ten minutes away. We weren't together but raised him equally. I have no other children and have not had a relationship for over ten years because lets face it, Who would want to get involved in this?

My son was genuinely lovely as a child, then like I say he turned 13 then the aggression started, He moved out when he was 18 because he wanted to and lives alone in a flat. I wouldn't say he is capable of living alone (mouldy food, no food at all, forgetting to turn the fire off, not paying bills, leaving pans to melt on the cooker etc) but his CPN said they can't force him to live how we would want him to live as he is an adult etc

Trauma is a risk factor for schizophrenia, actually.

But trauma does not always equal abuse. People can live apparently happy lives but still experience trauma, especially if they are autistic with mental health problems and do not get the support they need (often because nobody knows what is needed or it is just not available). Living with this level of difficulty can be traumatic in itself.

Has anyone advised you to apply for a restraining or non-molestation order? That would give the police the power of arrest for just contacting you.

Are you getting any therapy or support yourself?

Child to parent abuse is one of those areas of domestic abuse that is still under-reported - but it is domestic abuse - and there is help out there for you - this campaigner has lots of info https://holesinthewall.co.uk/

You need to speak to Women's Aid or your local DV service (google DV and your location) and saying you are being abused by your adult son and that you think he might kill you. Call the police and say the same. You need to protect yourself and describe yourself as a victim at high risk - this is not a family matter, you are not being properly protected by the state or services, tell them everything you have said here, don't rely on the mental health teams - they are workign to support your son (rightly so) and i hope so much that one day they are able to help him - but right now, focus on you and your situation - and you need the police plus domestic abuse services to prioritise you

I remember calling Women's Aid about a partner who was threatening to kill himself - and she just said "I don't mind about him, I'm not speaking to him, what about you" and it was like this reminder - I matter. And you do too. You matter. Your safety. Your mental health. Don't go through the services that are set up to help your son, but lean on the services set up to support women in danger from male violence

He sounds so unwell. And I'm so sorry for you and him. But this is your life. If you need to change area/home, if you need to put in a restraining order, you can get something put on your address so you're prioritised should you call 999, contact stalking charities, if you're not getting the response you need - contact your MP. Tell everyone, don't feel any shame, or guilt, your message broke my heart and I hope so much that you become safe again.