Posting here for urgent help, Very long, I need help before I give up

[nhbid]

It’s not my intention to offend anyone so sorry if I word something wrong, I have a 27 year old son, ASD and a multitude of mental health conditions including a personality disorder. His is on medication, but he is exactly the same on meds as he is off them.

He is aggressive, Plays people off against each other, Is a compulsive liar, Can be violent, Sends abusive texts constantly, Has hit me, thrown things at me, threatened to kill me, threatened to burn my home down, Has smashed my windows on my home so much that I had to move, smashed my car up, makes constant threats if he doesn’t get his own way, Blames me for every single little thing that has ever or does ever go wrong in his life, Every single day is another drama which he seems to thrive on and enjoy, Openly tells people he will only know true happiness when I’m dead, Its endless and its every single day of my life. He lives alone, We do not live together.

He loves to cause rifts between the (extended) family then when everything blows up will act all confused and ask why everyone has fallen out with him and why his family can’t just get along. Literally his favourite thing to say is ‘Can’t we all just get along now?’

He enjoys doing things like posting a note through my door at 3am telling me once he gets home he is going to kill himself, he will be dead by the time I read that note and its my fault he is dead, Woke up read that and called an ambulance, When they got there he was playing xbox and told them I fell for it again..

The latest thing he is doing is making up allegations about me, not small things, life changing things, Not only that but he is actually going to to police reporting me and in the last month alone I have had the police to my home asking various questions etc, To give an example he told the police I was trying to kill him by poisoning his food or drinks, I explained he has always been like that with food/drinks, all of his life and will not accept anything from anyone unless its sealed/unopened. He told them I had been taking significant sums of my grandparents money (total lie) Five different allegations so far. The most serious is he started telling people his dad used to touch him when he was a kid, then the same day once everyone knew he said he made it up because he enjoys seeing me hurt and he enjoys the distruction he is causing me. His words.

Two weeks ago he showed up at my home and told me he was going to kill me, I was doing a video with my phone in my pocket and caught him saying that so he was arrested (again) and is now on bail, I was recording because the last time he showed up he smashed my window so I wanted some proof if it happened again. An hour after being released on bail he was banging at my door wanting to be let in.

He then called me last night, I answered and he started screaming at me that I was dead to him, he fucking hates me, wishes I was dead and I’m an evil cunt for what I have done to him, This morning I woke up to a text saying he was sorry that he’s just stressed out, can't we not just get along? then this afternoon called me an evil twisted cunt again. He’s ok for ten minutes then it all starts again.

On top of all of the above he has done nothing but talk of the MI5 following him, children on his street being spies, cars deliberately shining their lights into his windows at night, taxi drivers are all working with the police feeding them information, gangs of people following him, he has had his neighbour arrested for something he didn’t do, and recently shouted in his neighbours face for driving his car out of his own driveway.

There is NOTHING normal in my life and nothing to look forward to, Anything good is shat on or ruined by him instantly. I have had one holiday in ten years, First hour I arrived there he called me to say he was going to kill himself because I was a bitch of a mother that has abandoned him.

Changed my number a few times but he just gets it from other people, Blocked him many times but he just gets a new number or just shows up at my home, If I tell him I want nothing to do with him until he gets help with his mental health he just forces himself back into my life and nothing ever changes or gets better.

His mental health team are aware of all of the above and NEVER get back to me, if I go to speak in person they are always out of home visits, He has been arrested many times and nothing changes.

What can I do to get out of this infinite loop? I woke up today and all I could think was I would be better off dead as there is no way out of all this. This has been going on every single day since he was 13. I'm waking up being sick, I don't feel well myself at all, Every day starts with doom and gloom and drama and I just know today will be the same as tomorrow and the day after and the day after.

I really need help but feel there is none? Apart from changing my identity and moving to the moon I’m unsure if any of this is ever going to change or get better? If I ask for advice from anyone i know nobody knows what to advise because who would really unless they are going through it themselves?

Has he been looked at for paranoid schizophrenia?

I would change your name and move. Do not tell anyone of your new surname or address and maintain contact by your meeting them away from home. Get a new phone number as well which you don't give out and only communicate with friends and relatives by email.

Effectively you've got to put yourself into a kind of witness protection scheme.

Get a restraining order. Go no contact.

My daughter used to work in a facility for young men just like this.. ASD/ Bi polar. Various MH problems..it's was funded not private.
Can't he live in one of these facilities

Have or are adult social services involved?

This must be so difficult...heartbreaking and so stressful.

I think you only options is to try to have him sectioned until Mental Health act.

Talk to anyone who will help:

Women's Aid
Police
Your GP
Any support organisation that assist families in this situation

sorry if I’ve missed this as a suggestion please ring the susie Lamplugh trust. This isn’t a life you’re living.
https://www.suzylamplugh.org/

Try this organisation too, another MNer posted this link on a different thread, it could be useful x

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

You have to cut them off and not answer phonecalls from numbers you don't recognise (similar situation with relative and they eventually started taking control of their illness, seeking help from A&E when an episode would start, managing medication if they started 'hearing voices again' as there was no one left to create drama with anymore). They were also manipulative and would never get sectioned more than a night after convincing staff they were fine only to repeat they cycle again.

The best thing you can do for you both is cut him off. I know it sounds harsh, but right now you're an enabler.

You need to get him out of your life by any means possible, if it takes moving to the moon then do it!
I really don't know how you have survived/coped as long as you have, the things he is saying and doing to you are truly, truly vile.
I understand it is mental health issues causing his behaviour however you do not have to put up with any of this. Please understand you are a person in your own right, you may be his mother but you are not his lifelong punching bag.

My ( still adult)brother is pretty much a junior version of your son so i very much understand how devastating it is. I've also worked with very similar

How many of these conditions are formaly diagnosed though ?

Does he function well with day to day living otherwise? Can he care for himself? Are you the sole target for this behaviour or is does he behave like this with other family members? I was thinking if he can live independently and if there’s other people that can keep an eye on him that he doesn’t target in the same way, then you really need to step away from him for a while, for your own sanity. You don’t deserve to be treated so badly, regardless of his MH issues.

schizophrenia, OSD and ASD, Anxiety are all diagnosed, He has recently been told by his psychiatrist that he is likely to have borderline but not sure if he's been diagnosed as of me writing this, I included the borderline as well because it was the last thing he mentioned to me during one of his few minutes of being clam before the storm started again.

Speak with a solicitor and get a non-molestation order. The conditions will likely be - cannot come to your address, cannot contact you, cannot be within 100 yards of you.
If he breaks this order it is an arrestable offence and if broken on multiple occasion will likely lead to a prison sentence. Here he will get the help he needs.
They aren’t expensive, but you have to get these yourself. Restraining orders I believe can only be given out through criminal court but I may be wrong. They are very similar.
I have worked with a lot of DV victims and people in a similar position to you, so if you want to chat or need any more advice please just drop me a message.

im so sorry your going through this.

I think you need to disappear before he makes good on his threats, it sounds like he is escalating his abuse of you.

Move as far away as possible, get a separate burner phone for contacting relatives and anyone who you think has given him your number. It sounds dramatic but I’d even consider changing your surname, so he can’t find you.

I cannot imagine how much stress and fear you are living with. He’s your son, and it sounds like you have done more than enough to help him. You don’t need to live like this.

Good grief I'm not surprised you're at breaking point- most people would be after dealing with that for a few weeks let alone years
Something needs to change and hope the links others have posted might be able to help you to see a way forward

You poor soul :( it doesn’t sound like you’re ‘living’ at all.

I second calling the police every time he shows up or makes a threat to self harm.

Does one of the meds begin with an R ?

Are his meds monitored to ensure he's taking them correctly ?.

At this point you likely actually need to..

Get him sectioned ( whether you're concerned he's a threat or not )

Adult social services should be brought in either by hospital or yourself.

Trace adult facilities local and demand placement.

What's his opinion on residential placements or I actually did outreach ( so they remain in their own homes ). Does he have affectionate moments ?

Has he got a crisis team? Have you tried emergency Police?

He sounds like he needs to be sectioned.

In my experience the only way you will get MH support is to involve crisis team every single time. And if that doesn't work Police.

And then as others have said go no contact. Until he is stable on his meds you won't make much progress.

I would seriously think about moving far away and name change. It may be that it will mean cutting yourself off from extended family if they can't be relied upon to keep your whereabouts confidential for your safety. But you deserve some peace OP and also look into having some talking therapy. I'd not be surprised if you have PTSD from all you're dealing with - it's like living in a war zone 😢

He needs sectioning and you need to move OP. You poor thing.

He likely has conditions of bail not to contact you. Call the Police and check. If he contacts you in breach of these conditions, call the police over and over and over again until they listen.

can you move far away, name change and cut him off?

i know its diffficult - in the meantime look into a non molestation order

im sorry its come to this

Your son needs to be assessed.or reassessed by the mental health crisis team.

It's not called borderline personality disorder any longer, it's called emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), though there was talk of it being renamed post traumatic childhood disorder, because EUPD comes from a lot of trauma in childhood.
What trauma has your son been through as a child and has he had any counselling and support for this?

Paranoid schizophrenia means he cannot be reasoned with, cannot be stopped by a restraining order and will carry on until he is physically restrained and locked up.

You son is lost forever inside and the man he has become is no reflection on you and you have to separate him as being in two parts, the young boy up to the age of 13 and the person he became afterwards.

The man is a maniac. He is out to get you. No one is doing anything to help you because it's a case of 'if he hurts you, we will do something!'

You don't want to wait until then.

You need to disappear.

www.paladinservice.co.uk