Posting here for urgent help, Very long, I need help before I give up

[nhbid]

It’s not my intention to offend anyone so sorry if I word something wrong, I have a 27 year old son, ASD and a multitude of mental health conditions including a personality disorder. His is on medication, but he is exactly the same on meds as he is off them.

He is aggressive, Plays people off against each other, Is a compulsive liar, Can be violent, Sends abusive texts constantly, Has hit me, thrown things at me, threatened to kill me, threatened to burn my home down, Has smashed my windows on my home so much that I had to move, smashed my car up, makes constant threats if he doesn’t get his own way, Blames me for every single little thing that has ever or does ever go wrong in his life, Every single day is another drama which he seems to thrive on and enjoy, Openly tells people he will only know true happiness when I’m dead, Its endless and its every single day of my life. He lives alone, We do not live together.

He loves to cause rifts between the (extended) family then when everything blows up will act all confused and ask why everyone has fallen out with him and why his family can’t just get along. Literally his favourite thing to say is ‘Can’t we all just get along now?’

He enjoys doing things like posting a note through my door at 3am telling me once he gets home he is going to kill himself, he will be dead by the time I read that note and its my fault he is dead, Woke up read that and called an ambulance, When they got there he was playing xbox and told them I fell for it again..

The latest thing he is doing is making up allegations about me, not small things, life changing things, Not only that but he is actually going to to police reporting me and in the last month alone I have had the police to my home asking various questions etc, To give an example he told the police I was trying to kill him by poisoning his food or drinks, I explained he has always been like that with food/drinks, all of his life and will not accept anything from anyone unless its sealed/unopened. He told them I had been taking significant sums of my grandparents money (total lie) Five different allegations so far. The most serious is he started telling people his dad used to touch him when he was a kid, then the same day once everyone knew he said he made it up because he enjoys seeing me hurt and he enjoys the distruction he is causing me. His words.

Two weeks ago he showed up at my home and told me he was going to kill me, I was doing a video with my phone in my pocket and caught him saying that so he was arrested (again) and is now on bail, I was recording because the last time he showed up he smashed my window so I wanted some proof if it happened again. An hour after being released on bail he was banging at my door wanting to be let in.

He then called me last night, I answered and he started screaming at me that I was dead to him, he fucking hates me, wishes I was dead and I’m an evil cunt for what I have done to him, This morning I woke up to a text saying he was sorry that he’s just stressed out, can't we not just get along? then this afternoon called me an evil twisted cunt again. He’s ok for ten minutes then it all starts again.

On top of all of the above he has done nothing but talk of the MI5 following him, children on his street being spies, cars deliberately shining their lights into his windows at night, taxi drivers are all working with the police feeding them information, gangs of people following him, he has had his neighbour arrested for something he didn’t do, and recently shouted in his neighbours face for driving his car out of his own driveway.

There is NOTHING normal in my life and nothing to look forward to, Anything good is shat on or ruined by him instantly. I have had one holiday in ten years, First hour I arrived there he called me to say he was going to kill himself because I was a bitch of a mother that has abandoned him.

Changed my number a few times but he just gets it from other people, Blocked him many times but he just gets a new number or just shows up at my home, If I tell him I want nothing to do with him until he gets help with his mental health he just forces himself back into my life and nothing ever changes or gets better.

His mental health team are aware of all of the above and NEVER get back to me, if I go to speak in person they are always out of home visits, He has been arrested many times and nothing changes.

What can I do to get out of this infinite loop? I woke up today and all I could think was I would be better off dead as there is no way out of all this. This has been going on every single day since he was 13. I'm waking up being sick, I don't feel well myself at all, Every day starts with doom and gloom and drama and I just know today will be the same as tomorrow and the day after and the day after.

I really need help but feel there is none? Apart from changing my identity and moving to the moon I’m unsure if any of this is ever going to change or get better? If I ask for advice from anyone i know nobody knows what to advise because who would really unless they are going through it themselves?

@LuluBlakey1 Jesus, that is absolutely shocking and totally unacceptable 😩

For the benefit of the OP though, I was in a similar situation to hers and the police were excellent, took it absolutely seriously, arrived within minutes every time (unlike the ambulance service, which took hours), and were calm, professional, and compassionate.

I think you're missing the point here, which is again concerning in view of the job you tell us you do.

OK, the outcome you mention re: the murder is absolutely dreadful, no one would deny that - but read LuluBlakey's post, read the newspapers, listen to media reports - they can't all be wrong, and evidence shows that the police are failing. The list of things for which they WON'T turn out, or deem to be 'low-level crime' gets ever longer. So giving advice, however well-meaning, needs to take this into account. I absolutely agree with you that the OP should ring, ring, ring, the police every single time, and should fully document each event, including dates, times and collar numbers of police officers spoken to, because (a) she needs to have hard evidence to back up her claims and (b) I, (like many others on here), do not trust the police not to try to 'cover their own backs' if the incidents escalate, to try to hide any inadequacies in their responses. That is the culture that pertains.

But to imply that the police will deal with the matter is disingenuous to say the least - in fact, given the current state of policing in this country it's totally false. And if they do take strong action then you can bet your next pay cheque that it will be because of outside pressure on them, not because they would have done it anyway. And as far as your comment 'Who knows?' goes - well, who knows for sure that you are a police officer??

Personality disorders are currently classified as a serious mental illness. There is some question if they are actually a developmental disorder/neurodiversity.

While OP's son should be getting more support with his mental health and is clearly very unwell, he could also not be a nice person. He may or may not have agency (or agency in some areas and not others) we don't really know. But OP absolutely does not have to and shouldn't put up with his abuse.

Gosh, that's awful but well done for taking action! I've had a situation with police and a man with schizophrenia who kept being arrested as he was seriously unwell. Every time the police told me they were going to do this and that and made it sound really comprehensive. Each time absolutely nothing was done.

I agree with you.

I had two (differently) profoundly mentally ill parents. There's a point where your life has to be about yourself and your own wellbeing and nothing else. Then of course the bleeding heart brigade come out - including therapists - and imply that you're cold or narcissistic or have no empathy. WOW. It's about your own survival at this point, not trying to play analyst or therapist or walk on eggshells and never trigger a murderous criminal because they're mentally ill.

Also I was in a group once with a man who was diagnosed as a psychopath and personality disordered. He'd been told he literally had a bit of his brain wiring missing (and he sure did!). He was tall, fit, strong, and his only conversation was how he wanted to kill his mother and the things that he was actively doing to terrorise her. He was never held accountable by law enforcement as he was classified as profoundly mentally ill. He wasn't 'helped' (there is no help) by mental health services as he was otherwise fairly functional. He enjoyed that these stories also terrified the group, he enjoyed the fear and concern on our faces. He was genuinely doing these things. I left the group as I don't provide an audience for psychopathic abusers. But there'd still be some who'll say to me 'oh but the trauma he's been through' or 'he's vulnerable'.

I've also known a woman on the other side of this and the things her son was doing to her were horrendous but she was hoping mental health services would 'help' him and paying for expensive therapy sessions (they weren't helping, he was sustainedly criminally terrorising her and severely injuring her).

Recently the Daily Mail wrote an article on the number of women murdered by men during 2023. If you find and read that article you will see a significant number of those women were mothers murdered by their own sons.

I say to the OP - this relationship is never going to work. Your son stands a better chance of some form of recovery if he never sees you again (so you don't 'trigger' him) and you stand a better chance of staying alive. If the police and social services and women's aid won't treat you as if you're in the witness protection scheme, then you need to do it for yourself. Disappear yourself. This is about your life and survival.

@Agree I am so sorry you have experienced this. Absolutely shocking. Unfortunately a number of people I know who have gone on to become therapists are either very damaged people or have a sort-of narcissistic saviour thing going on, where they will always find trauma... because of course you can always find it if you look hard enough. They can do a lot of damage.

Friends with a child who was later found to have ASD were told that it was attachment disorder because she gave up breastfeeding too early, despite to all intents and purposes a happy childhood... and a history of neurodiversity in the family. This meant that the child's actual needs went unmet (hence further issues and crises) as the parents were left feeling terribly guilty and told not to pursue further investigations.

Yup the Narc Saviours Wounded Healers always out there scouting around for people's 'original trauma wound', picking away at scabs, and feeding off it all like vampires (for money and gratification) but never actually offering solution, moving it forward, or being in the present moment. They invalidate desperate people and invalidate healthy people who are trying to stay safe in the presence of truly disturbed and distorted minds and abusers by appealing to us all for empathy for the trauma. The biggest thing in my recovery that I ever did was realise I was being predated upon by these types and say NO MORE - I don't care what qualification or perceived hierarchy or 'wisdom' they've got, it was absolute garbage all of it. I was dealing with me and my lived reality.

The best thing anyone can learn about in these difficult situation is boundaries = what they are, what your own values are and how to boundary them, physical boundaries and how to apply / enforce them and stay safe.

Yes, but what happens when it's an area where people are scared and ground down and don't take it on? This is an area of confident, professional people who speak up and challenge stuff and will make things happen. We've all chipped in and paid for CCTV (it's a private road next to a park so the council wouldn't put a camera on the lamp-post at the end of the street), we investigated chipping in for one of these high-pitched noise boxes that are put high up on a gable end and only teenagers hear the sound- that would have been our next thing. We weren't going to just accept the ASB and complete lack of action and rubbish service from the police and council. What happens in places where people can't/don't challenge stuff? It shouldn't be like this.

This is horrendous @nhbid.

I have a friend whose brother was very much like your son, he ‘self medicated’ with drugs/alcohol which rendered his mental health meds pretty much useless… He was abusive to his mother and sister … his mum moved and never told him where, had 2 phones and he only had the number to one of them… she could then just turn off the phone when he was abusive or if needed some respite from him! He used to turn up at our work place to see my friend and nag her for their mums address etc and she used to have to just say she didn’t know it either and he had to be banned from our work place… he impacted both hers and her mothers mental health so terribly!…. This young man actually passed away after taking ‘spice’… I met up with my friend after his death and she was of course upset, however she did also state that he was finally at peace and did say that her and her mum could finally get on with their lives! That sounds brutal to some people but I totally understand it!
Do you own or rent? Is it possible to move ? My friend live ld in a flat and her brother couldn’t ‘knock her front door’ as couldn’t get through the main communal door… if he called her from outside the building she’d say she was at work or out … she would arrange to meet him in a cafe or somewhere public, that she could just leave if he became nasty!… you should take his threats seriously and NEVER let him inside your house! Always meet in places where you can just leave if needed!! Don’t tell these people your new address and telephone number that pass it onto him!… they are totally out of order giving your details out without your permission! I’d go as far as to set yourself up a PO BOX address so no one knows exactly where you’ve moved to!
I would honestly move away and start afresh, don’t listen to those annoying voices saying you’re his mother etc… people who haven’t been through this live in some fantasy world about ‘what they’d do’…. Ignore them! These people are clueless and thoughtless.
Put your self first now and do what you need to do to go no contact!…. Just leave a number with his MH team and that’s it.
Goodluck @nhbid I wish you all the best for a happy future!

Oh, I agree. It shouldn't be like that.

True say @LuluBlakey1

The proactive stance taken by the victims of this behaviour sounds all very middle class British and confident to me.

I live in an area where everyone's thrown in the towel, ground down, long since fed up of the local authority, the housing, and the police who all jointly effectively harass the innocent into submission in order to evade addressing the real issues.

In my area the vast majority of people are working class and from diverse backgrounds including many who don't have english as a first language or don't speak english. They're not conditioned to join in with uprisings and pushbacks. They perceive such type talk as dangerous and threatening.

Try get people to sign a petition and they're either not interested or crapping themselves that they'll get come back or be seen as troublesome. And many many simply give zero f*cks to boot. I'm a huge fan of neighbour's grouping to fight for their rights but they simply don't / won't / can't.