Posting here for urgent help, Very long, I need help before I give up

[nhbid]

It’s not my intention to offend anyone so sorry if I word something wrong, I have a 27 year old son, ASD and a multitude of mental health conditions including a personality disorder. His is on medication, but he is exactly the same on meds as he is off them.

He is aggressive, Plays people off against each other, Is a compulsive liar, Can be violent, Sends abusive texts constantly, Has hit me, thrown things at me, threatened to kill me, threatened to burn my home down, Has smashed my windows on my home so much that I had to move, smashed my car up, makes constant threats if he doesn’t get his own way, Blames me for every single little thing that has ever or does ever go wrong in his life, Every single day is another drama which he seems to thrive on and enjoy, Openly tells people he will only know true happiness when I’m dead, Its endless and its every single day of my life. He lives alone, We do not live together.

He loves to cause rifts between the (extended) family then when everything blows up will act all confused and ask why everyone has fallen out with him and why his family can’t just get along. Literally his favourite thing to say is ‘Can’t we all just get along now?’

He enjoys doing things like posting a note through my door at 3am telling me once he gets home he is going to kill himself, he will be dead by the time I read that note and its my fault he is dead, Woke up read that and called an ambulance, When they got there he was playing xbox and told them I fell for it again..

The latest thing he is doing is making up allegations about me, not small things, life changing things, Not only that but he is actually going to to police reporting me and in the last month alone I have had the police to my home asking various questions etc, To give an example he told the police I was trying to kill him by poisoning his food or drinks, I explained he has always been like that with food/drinks, all of his life and will not accept anything from anyone unless its sealed/unopened. He told them I had been taking significant sums of my grandparents money (total lie) Five different allegations so far. The most serious is he started telling people his dad used to touch him when he was a kid, then the same day once everyone knew he said he made it up because he enjoys seeing me hurt and he enjoys the distruction he is causing me. His words.

Two weeks ago he showed up at my home and told me he was going to kill me, I was doing a video with my phone in my pocket and caught him saying that so he was arrested (again) and is now on bail, I was recording because the last time he showed up he smashed my window so I wanted some proof if it happened again. An hour after being released on bail he was banging at my door wanting to be let in.

He then called me last night, I answered and he started screaming at me that I was dead to him, he fucking hates me, wishes I was dead and I’m an evil cunt for what I have done to him, This morning I woke up to a text saying he was sorry that he’s just stressed out, can't we not just get along? then this afternoon called me an evil twisted cunt again. He’s ok for ten minutes then it all starts again.

On top of all of the above he has done nothing but talk of the MI5 following him, children on his street being spies, cars deliberately shining their lights into his windows at night, taxi drivers are all working with the police feeding them information, gangs of people following him, he has had his neighbour arrested for something he didn’t do, and recently shouted in his neighbours face for driving his car out of his own driveway.

There is NOTHING normal in my life and nothing to look forward to, Anything good is shat on or ruined by him instantly. I have had one holiday in ten years, First hour I arrived there he called me to say he was going to kill himself because I was a bitch of a mother that has abandoned him.

Changed my number a few times but he just gets it from other people, Blocked him many times but he just gets a new number or just shows up at my home, If I tell him I want nothing to do with him until he gets help with his mental health he just forces himself back into my life and nothing ever changes or gets better.

His mental health team are aware of all of the above and NEVER get back to me, if I go to speak in person they are always out of home visits, He has been arrested many times and nothing changes.

What can I do to get out of this infinite loop? I woke up today and all I could think was I would be better off dead as there is no way out of all this. This has been going on every single day since he was 13. I'm waking up being sick, I don't feel well myself at all, Every day starts with doom and gloom and drama and I just know today will be the same as tomorrow and the day after and the day after.

I really need help but feel there is none? Apart from changing my identity and moving to the moon I’m unsure if any of this is ever going to change or get better? If I ask for advice from anyone i know nobody knows what to advise because who would really unless they are going through it themselves?

I am sorry that you've been through so much, I can't give any advice because I've never been in your position.

I did wonder, though, whether you could speak with Women's Aid. I know they mostly deal with abusive relationships, but they might have some solid advice on how you can navigate the system. I should imagine that they would know of other places that are better suited to helping you in your situation.

I agree 'residential care' is not going to happen. The best thing would be supported accommodation but OP has already said he refused to go in to that.

Regarding his personality disorder, though, it's not quibbling as treatment is different depending on the PD.

I'm in a facebook group for people whose children/partners have a diagnosis of schizophrenia and/or are experiencing psychosis. My son has bipolar 1 and if he doesn't take his meds he has paranoia and psychosis. Luckily for me even in the deepest depths of his illness my son is loving, kind and gentle and we have a great relationship. But there are so many people in that group who are experiencing severe emotional and physical abuse at the hands of their very mentally ill teenage and adult children.

The mental healthcare system in the UK is broken - if you want counselling ie, CBT because you've got anxiety or moderate depression, then you can access it fairly easily. But if you're severely mentally ill and need intensive treatment/prolonged hospitalisation, you're fucked because long term mental health beds have been cut by 25% since 2010, despite growing need. The number of people in that group whose loved ones have been discharged from hospital/not admitted despite ongoing severe illness is absolutely shocking, and it's wreaking havoc on the health of parents and siblings.

I think you should report to the police every threat / incident.
Do not let him into the house, do not respond to suicide threats / notes.

But most importantly, I think that it's time for you to go absolute no contact and relocate without giving him further access to you. Your quality at life needs to be put before his needs, and as sad as it is, he will continue to abuse you while you continue to enable it. Cut him out.

At this point I don't think there is anything more that the OP should do to try to help her son. It's time to put herself first and as a priority get away from her current area / change name and mobile number and cut all contact. Irrespective of his illness her son is a manipulative violent abuser and the OP has a right to self preservation and a better life somewhere safe and away from him and away from other people who keep giving him her number.

So sorry to read all this, OP. I really feel for you. I can only echo what other posters have said about cutting him off and going completely NC. I would also move as well. He sounds very abusive and someone like that is a real danger to you. I’m afraid you will only find peace when you do break all contact. 💐

I would start by logging every single thing that happens with the police. I would become that much of a pain in the arse for them until they started to do something with him.

I'd change my number and only give it to a couple of trusted people.

Then I would put the wheels in motion to move. A good few hours away, if not more.

"I cannot help but wonder what happened to this young man. A mental health crisis like this doesn't happen without a trigger. Attachment Trauma, Sexual Abuse, Betrayal."

I disagree. Childhood trauma is a serious risk factor for severe mental illness in adolescence and adulthood. But severe and intractable mental illness can also occur in the absence of trauma.

She clearly says several times in her posts that not only has it been regularly reported to the police but her son is currently on bail and is still threatening her, but there has been no police action.

OP there is a wonderful Facebook group called POPS UK, for people who are dealing with a loved one who has schizophrenia/psychosis (and often other issues). You'll get lots of understanding and support there from others who understand what it's like. Sorry this is happening to you and your son.

I just read your post and it’s utterly heartbreaking. Have they tested him for psychosis I think he would be better off on s medication called olanzapine. Hope everything gets sorted for you both 💔

The OP clearly says in her post that she has contacted the police and so far nothing has been done.

I don't know which Force you work for, but I'd suggest if you believe that the police in this instance have been 'trying to access him the help he needs' then you are mistaken. If you read the OP's posts this is abundantly clear. You will also know that most police forces, like a lot of things in this country, are broken beyond repair.

Oh OP this is horrific. You need to get a restraining order against him immediately. He should be done for malicious communication, threats to kill and assault, criminal damage...Maybe consider moving and definitely change your number. Get a panic alarm in your home. Whoever is giving your numbers out to him needs to STOP. Explain to all family he is having a restraining order and is barred from all contact with you from now on. It's also an offence to falsely report crime which has has done on numerous occasions so the police should punish him for that as well.

Any update op

He’s clearly very mentally unwell and I honestly don’t think I could cope with something like this for as long as you have. I’d have walked away. Moved house and gone NC. It’s gone beyond parenthood to downright terrorising and abuse. No child on earth has a right to unwavering kindness and love and support from a parent they’ve been abusing, threatening to kill and manipulating for years even while medicated.

999 here and you can wait 5 hours for a response or not ever get one.

Mental illness or not, my sympathy only goes so far when the person is threatening harm to human life. Personality disorders are also not always seen as mental health disorders.

Just because you had problems in the past doesn’t mean they were the same as OP son, sounds like you are projecting.

A person can have bad mental health and also be a shitty person, the two can Co-exist. I don’t think it health to excuse abusive or dangerous behaviour just because someone has mental health issues.

Prisons are full of people with personality disorders, are we just suppose to ignore the potential damage op son could do to her ? She’s literally run a list off as long as an arm stating her experiences with her son.

I agree that "demon" is inappropriate and unhelpful language.

Whether this man's behaviour is his choice or not isn't actually important from OP's perspective. OP doesn't have to put up with being abused and threatened and she is entitled to walk away to protect herself.

Give your head a wobble there’s plenty of people not in charge of their faculties for whatever reason. It doesn’t mean they are any less of a ticking time bomb. The people who have lost loved ones to someone like that, aren’t sitting around making excuses for the poor criminal coZ they had mental problems at the time of going on a rampage. The fact is op is in danger and has exhausted all avenues, it’s time to protect herself because the authorities are no use.

My mind is boggling at how capabilityfrowns claims to be a police officer and yet in the two posts I've seen on here be so oblivious to the kind of "service" available to the general public from the Emergency Services. I'm not having a dig at you, LuluBlakey, quite the opposite - I'm just being realistic, given the fact that most "services" are suffering from lack of funding. Getting the police to turn out for a burglary is virtually impossible (crime number, anyone?) and criminal damage in progress - well, two weeks after the event, if you're lucky, so fat chance of them turning on the blues and twos for repeat calls on this one

Meanwhile, back in the real world.....

You're a police officer? Then how can you be so oblivious to the kind of "service" available to the general public from the Emergency Services? Getting the police to turn out for a burglary is virtually impossible (crime number, anyone?) and criminal damage in progress - well, two weeks after the event, if you're lucky, so fat chance of them turning on the blues and twos for repeat calls on this one.

And anyway, the OP has already said on here that the police are fully aware of what's been happening and as yet nothing positive has been done.

Meanwhile, back on earth.....

There was a group of 80+ absolutely pissed and/or high teenagers outside the tennis pavillions in the park directly infront of our house a while ago. They were on the roofs, trying to light fires, had portable boom box things that they had blasting, there was a bloke in a car blatantly dealing drugs, they started throwing stuff at the house on the end of the street- stones, eggs, they were fighting each other (the boys), urinating (boys and girls) dancing, there were girls sobbing and lying in the street, they took themselves into the drive of an old lady and threw stuff at her car, then tried to set the car on fire, then threw stuff at her front windows. It was terrible. There were 12 x 999 calls over 5 hours (co-ordinated between the 14 houses on the street) and no one came. Eventually, the teenagers staggered off- leaving the tennis pavillions covered in graffiti, countless bottles and cans and litter, (as it turned out the next morning two large knives with blood on them also), empty gas canisters, drugs wraps and the old lady's car was a right state.
A police car arrived, drove up to our house (3 doors in) turned round and was about to leave until DH and I went out and stopped it. Two PCs who never even got out of the car or went to check on the old lady, just said it had been logged and there was nothing they could do now.
We went to check on her and she was watching tv at the back of the house but is almost deaf and hadn't heard any of it. The neighbours cleared her drive and cleaned her car and house door and windows the next morning.
We complained to the local police (uninterested) and to the Police and Crime Commissioner who was worse than useless. She was full of bluster and assured us she would get answers. The police basically ignored her questions and sent her answers that were non-answers or refused outright to answer her. She gave up immediately and backed off them.
This in a very nice, very middle-class area - the kids were from the local 'Outstanding' high school and are generally lovely but were absolutely pissed and being dropped off at the end of the street by parents.
After several incidents, we got together as residents and stood at the end of the street for several nights and spoke to every parent who brought their teenagers to the park and asked them if they knew what was going on, explained what had happened and asked why they were dropping them off. Every parent took them away again and was either embarrassed, angry or ashamed I think. We gave them a leaflet we had produced about it. Then the blokes in the street sat in the park on the seats by the pavillions and just told any teenagers who turned up on foot to go away.
It took about 5 days of doing that before it stopped almost fully. We made a right fuss. We called a local meeting with councillors and the police- the police didn't turn up. We involved the mayor and the Press. Eventually the police agreed to set up their community police base in the pavillions at night which completely stopped it because all the officers worked out of there for 6 weeks.
The kids just moved elsewhere and the real horrors terrorised a Tesco Express about a mile away. The police told the manager to let them shop lift because there were not enough officers to come out to his calls. They were shoplifting eggs, tomatoes (to pelt at some bungalows where they'd set up their next camp) and booze .
I am still astonished that police are uninterested in drug dealing and groups of 80+ drunk teenagers vandalising council and private property. The next day they were not even interested in the two blood-stained knives or drugs and told the facilities manager at the pavillion to 'dispose of them safely.' They didn't want the videos we had of the drug-dealer and the car, or the thugs terrorising and damaging the old lady's house and car. Just not interested.
They actually lied and said they had collected the videos and been into the local school and worked with staff but couldn't identify the lads, and had been to speak to the old lady and she did not want to take it further. They had not collected the videos - I had them- or been to the school (the Head is a friend of ours) , and had never even checked to see if the old lady was OK never mind anything else- she'd had no contact from them at all. They had to apologise after being caught lying.
I have absolutely no faith in the police here.

oh my @LuluBlakey1 that's positively sad to hear.
good going on the community/street involvement.

Ok . I will bugger off . I would persist with police because tbh the last person I saw like this committed murder .

Who knows what op is telling police ?
What offences are being reported?

On another thread I've tried to help but the op has been less than honest in their posts so it's difficult to advise.

It's hard to advise here as I've no idea of the backstory or what the op has actually reported, how often , what offences .

I am often criticised here when I attempt to give advice because there is an air of absolute distrust- however that's not my issue and I've always given advice in good faith .

No one has to follow my advice or believe what I say . On that note I will leave the thread since my presence is causing offence rather than anything positive.