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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should have been godmother?

233 replies

ProbablyLate · 10/01/2024 16:05

I’m usually 100% on board with it being the parents’ right to choose who are their children’s godparents but I’m curious whether people think my BIL and SIL have been weird about this.

They asked DH to be DN’s godfather a couple of months ago (he’s BILs brother). I would have loved to also be asked but didn’t think too much of not being.

Anyway, at the christening on Sunday it turns out the godparents are DH’s other brother and his wife, DH, and one of BILs school friends.

SIL is an only child at DH only has the two brothers so of all DN’s aunts/uncles I’m the only one not to have been asked.

Me and DH have been together slightly longer than other BIL and SIL, both sets of us are married, live a similar distance away, and see one another a similar amount.

I would have said I got on well with both BIL and SILs so this has thrown me a bit!

On the day FIL was a bit 🤔about it but MIL cut him off with a “I’m sure Probably understands it’s their choice” (admittedly that probably wasn’t the moment to discuss it)

So AIBU to think I should have been asked to be godmother here?

OP posts:
plumberdrain · 10/01/2024 16:07

there is no “should” about it.

And fact you think there is, indicates the very reason why you haven’t been asked

swimminginthepool · 10/01/2024 16:07

It would have been nice and I think I'd be quite aware of the fact I'd 'left' one person out. It doesn't mean a great deal to the majority of people though so I'd drop it but inside I'd feel a bit rubbish.

plumberdrain · 10/01/2024 16:07

MIL cut him off with a “I’m sure Probably understands it’s their choice” (

your MIL over estimated you

MrsHughesPinny · 10/01/2024 16:08

Are you particularly religious? Is your DH/his family more religious than you? Does the other SIL have a closer relationship to either of the parents?

piglet81 · 10/01/2024 16:08

It’s not very godly to think like that, is it?

Ponoka7 · 10/01/2024 16:09

Are you both equally religious, would be a go to if the child needed emotional support etc? I think that people forget that it is actually a role, not just a title.

MaggieNextDoor · 10/01/2024 16:09

Godmother is pretty much a redundant title these days. However, I can see where you're coming from and it does seem a bit odd not to have asked you as well as your husband. Still, it's their choice - did you actually want to be Godmother to the child?

Lizzieregina · 10/01/2024 16:11

Definitely a bit odd to exclude you in that circumstance. Also that’s a lot of godparents for one child!

crosstalk · 10/01/2024 16:12

It's always a problem. I kept my relatives out of it when choosing godparents because they already had a relationship with my DC, but your sadness at not being invited is another reason. Just leave it. I too was upset not to be invited to be a godparent to various children when my DP was overloaded - especially since I was the one who kept his relationship with them going with letters, cards and organising visits, but he is a much more approachable, clubbable person so I resigned myself pdq!

CouCouCachou · 10/01/2024 16:14

I don't think there are 'shoulds' and 'shouldn'ts' about choosing godparents. It's just who the parents pick. They might feel slightly closer to your SIL, or prefer the way she interacts with children, or any number of quite minor preferences which don't mean they don't like, value and respect you as a person.

You can still have a very strong relationship with your nephew - it doesn't depend on having a title like Godparent. I hope you enjoy him - I absolutely adore my little nephews and really appreciate the role I get to play in their lives as their aunt.

Original poster
ProbablyLate · 10/01/2024 16:15

I haven’t mentioned it at all, even to DH, because I do appreciate it’s the parents’ decision. However, I also think it’s a bit of an unusual thing to do without mentioning it as I think it was always going to be obvious at the event that I was “left out”

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 10/01/2024 16:16

My sister and I had a massive falling out when I didn't ask her to be godmother to my kids. It didn't even cross my mind that I should as she's already their aunt. She didn't speak to me for about 3 years.

SpeedyDrama · 10/01/2024 16:16

If you take your religion seriously and feel you would have made a good guide for your godchild in faith and spirituality along with the usual life guidance then possibly you should have been considered.

If this is just another pantomime baptism for social/school reasons then you’re all unreasonable and it literally doesn’t matter does it. It’s just ‘favourite of the moment’ labels and will mean nothing a few years down the road.

Gazelda · 10/01/2024 16:16

They presumably had good reason. You'll likely never know what those reasons were.

But it's a bit 'needy' to now be thinking you 'should' have been asked.

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/01/2024 16:16

I've never been asked and I'll be honest it does hurt, it's also not my decision so I focus on that. I've never been a bridesmaid either. Perhaps I'm just horrible?

SoOutingWhoCares · 10/01/2024 16:17

No one is entitled to be a godparent.

It's supposed to be based on who is the most likely to raise the child in the Christian faith and who will contribute the most to the child's spiritual development, pray for them, get them to church, set them a good example etc.

ElevenSeven · 10/01/2024 16:19

I’m usually 100% on board with it being the parents’ right to choose who are their children’s godparents

Just be fully 100% onboard with this being the parents choice (as it is) and you’ll be fine.

Whatevs23 · 10/01/2024 16:19

You haven't even mentioned religion in your posts, which should be a lot bigger factor in choosing a godparent than how far away you live! Are you the same religion as them? Are you as religiously active as the ones who have been chosen?

Mischance · 10/01/2024 16:20

Maybe the other SIL is an active worshipper.

AmyandPhilipfan · 10/01/2024 16:21

I know my husband's sister was a bit miffed when I chose the other sister as a godmother and not her. I also had one of my siblings and their spouse. I'm not sure what my other two siblings thought. But I chose those people because they also considered themselves Christians whereas the ones I didn't choose don't view themselves as such. I had my daughter Christened to welcome her into Christianity so it made sense to me to choose Christians for Godparent roles. Could it be for that reason your SIL was chosen over you?

Onceuponaheartache · 10/01/2024 16:22

Sorry but you are being massively unreasonable. You don't automatically get to be godparent just because your dh is one.

Dd's dad and I didn't ask my bil to be godparent, we don't really know him and although he is a nice guy we had chosen other people.

My sister kicked off and made a massive deal about it because she had told her dh he would be a godparent...she had no right and for this and a whole list of other toxic behaviour from my sister we are now virtually no contact.

Unless you want to cause a massive family fall out do not say anything at all!!!

DontPutTheKidsThroughIt · 10/01/2024 16:23

It could be as simple as them really wanting the school friend and BIL’s brothers and just adding other brother’s wife because there was a space.

Mariposistaa · 10/01/2024 16:24

Are you religious? And are the other couple. Are indeed the parents (if not even having a baptism in the first place makes a mockery of the whole thing).

FWIW, as a Christian couple, we chose non family members for our children's godparents. Their uncles/aunts already have a role in their lives and the godparent role is something we take seriously.

Original poster
ProbablyLate · 10/01/2024 16:28

For those asking we are all “equally Christian” as far as you can measure it. DH and I met at a Christian camp and are active church goers as are the rest of the family so I wouldn’t have thought that would be a deciding factor.

Clearly something I haven’t thought of was though…

OP posts:
Manifestival · 10/01/2024 16:30

Maybe they only wanted 4 godparents?