To think I should have been godmother?

[ProbablyLate]

I’m usually 100% on board with it being the parents’ right to choose who are their children’s godparents but I’m curious whether people think my BIL and SIL have been weird about this.

They asked DH to be DN’s godfather a couple of months ago (he’s BILs brother). I would have loved to also be asked but didn’t think too much of not being.

Anyway, at the christening on Sunday it turns out the godparents are DH’s other brother and his wife, DH, and one of BILs school friends.

SIL is an only child at DH only has the two brothers so of all DN’s aunts/uncles I’m the only one not to have been asked.

Me and DH have been together slightly longer than other BIL and SIL, both sets of us are married, live a similar distance away, and see one another a similar amount.

I would have said I got on well with both BIL and SILs so this has thrown me a bit!

On the day FIL was a bit 🤔about it but MIL cut him off with a “I’m sure Probably understands it’s their choice” (admittedly that probably wasn’t the moment to discuss it)

So AIBU to think I should have been asked to be godmother here?

Exactly this. That is the whole point of being a GODparent.

I'm sure their reasoning was way more to do wit positive reasons why they wanted certain people, rather than negative reasons relating to you.
They may not even have anticipated the possibility of your viewing the decision in such anxious/defensive terms.
It is really a shame that you are thinking about it in this way. The decision is about the child, really, not about you.

lol this reminds me of when my SIL got angry when we didn't choose her as a HYPOTHETICAL godparent when DS was born. We never christened him because we aren't religious

It is weird to choose aunts and uncles to be godparents, full stop.

I don't think you should dwell on it.

my husband is godfather to his brothers little girl.. I’m not. Doesn’t matter really 😒

Well, you're definitely not supposed to cover thy neighbour's ox but I don't think that's the wording in the good book.

I think I'd feel a bit hurt too. I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving out one aunt or uncle when choosing my children's. How awful! If I were in your shoes I'd probably use it as a wake up call and take a bit of a step back from the friendship/relationship, but that's just me.

I actually don't see the point in aunts and uncles being God parents anyway- as you say there's already a connection there, but I can understand why being the only one who isn't might feel a bit shitty.

But I wouldn't take it personally if everyone was being normal with me otherwise (else I'd worry I'd upset someone).

I really hate obtuse responses like this. Based on OP's description it seems more likely that the family are unashamedly snubbing OP than she's being over-sensitive. Of course the baby's parents can choose whoever they want to be godparents but if they're sending a clear message to the entire family that OP doesn't matter as much as others then they have to take some responsibility for any fallout as well.

If this was the only thing the IL's have done then I'd probably let it slide. However, I've married into a family who since day one have constantly snubbed and invalidated me and my DH (their son/sibling) for no other reason other than they're fucking morons who don't appreciate one bit how amazing, kind, generous and selfless my DH really is. I can tell you it really hurts and the only option in the end is to minimise contact and accept that your relationship is superficial at best

Please don't minimise OP's feelings. It's really hurtful to be brushed aside by the people who are meant to love you most

It’s perfectly reasonable to feel hurt about it because fundamentally they like you the least which is why they didn’t have you. It doesn’t really matter in how you try to slice and dice it- sometimes the answer is simple but it’s difficult to swallow.

I would try to move on from it and not let it affect you but I get that it’s hurtful.

I wonder if they were going for two pairs (GM/GF) and started with female friend, brother+wife, then your DH for balance...or some other weird social logic that only seems to apply to ceremonies like this...and wedding seating plans...

Anyway, personally I'd focus on the upside. With this child your DH's god-child, you can quite clearly assume they are on his list, not yours, for all future birthday/Xmas cards and gifts, childcare etc. They have facilitated boundaries around your wifework. Every cloud and all that.

Well, now no need for you to protect anyone from Satan's wrath.
You can just stay at home and watch Friends reruns instead.

Maybe they are holding you in reserve for the next child. Or then again maybe they aren’t.

I’d be a bit gutted too at being the only one not picked. I think you’ve worded your title badly by saying you ‘should be’ godparent as opposed to just aibu for being upset I wasn’t chosen imo.

we chose my bil (dh brother) for our first and then sil (bil wife) and my 2 sisters (neither had partners) for our second. I would have been conscious of leaving any of them out.

OP, it's a glaring omission. Unless there's a backstory (you've not mentioned one) and in the absence of a conversation about it, it's the sort of thing that sticks out.

Your FiL noticed and your MiL felt that she had to excuse it. It's noticeable.

It's entirely up to you what you do with that information but it's absurd that it's being passed off as the sort of thing that others would affect not to have noticed or give more than a passing thought to as to why it's been arranged that way.

My mum, dad and only sibling were made the godparents of my cousins 2nd child, i was the only one who wasn't. Didn't bother me, i'm atheist so christenings aren't my thing anyway.

Yeah, that sounds perfectly plausible.

I have quite a few godchildren, despite my siblings all being childfree and me being atheist, and the reasons have included ‘I remember you going to Evensong a lot’ (Oxford college had a world-famous choir so I went for the music), ‘You are the only person I know who can recite the Memorare, the Ten Commandments AND the Fruits of the Holy Spirit’), ‘I thought you’d give good birthday presents’, and ‘I dunno, you just came into my head’.😀

You have godchildren even though you are an atheist??? I don't understand that. I'm also an atheist and if I was asked I would politely decline saying I wouldn't be able to fulfill the role.

I think it would've been kinder to just ask the two brothers, and omit both wives rather than just one. You're bound to feel excluded given the circumstances (explicitly, that the other wife was asked); I think my husband would've politely declined in those circumstances... 🤔
That said, we're not a religious family, so I've no idea the etiquette!

Have I got it wrong or are godparents responsible for raising children in the event that something happens to their parents?
Surely, if your DH were to become responsible for the child, then you would be too?
In which case, I think it’s a little odd.

No, that’s a popular misconception on here, based largely, as far as I can see, on Sirius Black in Harry Potter.

Godparents are a purely religious role. No legal/guardian responsibility.

No, they’re not responsible for bringing up their god kids if the parents die. The parents can put different people in their will if they like

I honestly think it could be down to who has been the biggest or best support to the new parents & their child so far.

I’m currently pregnant and have a few people who (as I’ve gotten closer to the end) have started to hint that they are expecting to be godparents. Most of them will be disappointed! Lots of them probably see it the same way you do, that they’re entitled to be one because they spend some time with us, or we’re related, or we have a group chat etc. But actually there have been very very few people who have truly been there every step of the way throughout pregnancy, checking in on me regularly to ask how I’m feeling or how things are going, bringing me meals when I was struggling with sickness, genuinely going out of their way to spend time with me, the few people that always ask when my appointments are and then remember to get in touch on that day and ask them. It’s those people that have kept me positive through my pregnancy, not my BIL & his wife who we see maybe once a month for a coffee and who pop a message in the group chat every now and then. So although they will probably expect to be asked, they won’t be, and if they had any queries about that I’d be happy to explain

Godparents do not go in pairs.
I am godmother to the eldest child of my brother and the eldest child of my sister. There was no question of my other half being involved.
By the same token, my brother is godfather to our sister's son, no question of my SIL being involved.
When choosing godparents, you choose 1 person, not a married (or otherwise) couple.

Is it possible that they wanted the schoolfriend as a godmother, but they knew if they didnt ask the other SIL that she'd be angry about it and knew you would be calm and fine about not being asked so just chose the "easier option"?

It may well be something completely innocent and just made it easier for them rather than being a personal slight towards you?

Either way, you have two choices here: 1. let it niggle at you or 2. just let it go.

For your own peace of mind, I'd just choose option 2. Unless their behaviour towards you is weird or obviously "off" (in which case it does need addressing)
I'd just chalk it up to it being nothing to do with you and leave it at that. Don't create feelings of unpleasantness when you don't have any actual evidence that it is the case. Overthinking these things can cause bad feeling when none were intended