To think I should have been godmother?

[ProbablyLate]

I’m usually 100% on board with it being the parents’ right to choose who are their children’s godparents but I’m curious whether people think my BIL and SIL have been weird about this.

They asked DH to be DN’s godfather a couple of months ago (he’s BILs brother). I would have loved to also be asked but didn’t think too much of not being.

Anyway, at the christening on Sunday it turns out the godparents are DH’s other brother and his wife, DH, and one of BILs school friends.

SIL is an only child at DH only has the two brothers so of all DN’s aunts/uncles I’m the only one not to have been asked.

Me and DH have been together slightly longer than other BIL and SIL, both sets of us are married, live a similar distance away, and see one another a similar amount.

I would have said I got on well with both BIL and SILs so this has thrown me a bit!

On the day FIL was a bit 🤔about it but MIL cut him off with a “I’m sure Probably understands it’s their choice” (admittedly that probably wasn’t the moment to discuss it)

So AIBU to think I should have been asked to be godmother here?

In some countries.. not mentioning what countries... NOT specifying UK/Ireland/faith

yes but the key point is “in the Past”!! ie not now

There’s no ‘these days’ about it. Conventions vary between denominations. Church of England is a minimum of three, two of whom are the same sex as the child. In the Catholic Church only one godparent is the norm, sometimes two.

c of e… my daughter has one god mother and two god fathers?!!

The very fact that you are posting here
with should etc
makes me think that’s part of their decision
it’s not about you
it’s their choice behave with grace !

Then she was baptised by a priest who wasn’t too bothered about the rules! Some are stricter than others.

You appear to have missed my joke but never mind 🤔😂

That's not a C of E rule at all. It's a convention. Only requirement is that the godparents are baptised themselves.

well yes, of course she was baptised by a priest. it was c of e. So the rules you state are most certainly not a universal fact

where is this “rule” (that my priest was unaware of!) published?

Um, the Canon Law of the Church of England, so you can drop your sarky inverted commas. There’s no way your priest wasn’t aware of it. Likely they have decided not to apply the letter of the law in their parish. Don’t worry, it doesn’t make your child any less baptised.

Someone else has already posted a screen grab upthread. The relevant section is B23:

”1. For every child to be baptized there shall be not fewer than three godparents, of whom at least two shall be of the same sex as the child and of whom at least one shall be of the opposite sex; save that, when three cannot conveniently be had, one godfather and godmother shall suffice. Parents may be godparents for their own children provided that the child have at least one other godparent.”

Do feel free to take a look for yourself: https://www.churchofengland.org/about/leadership-and-governance/legal-services/canons-church-england/section-b

Can I refer you to my reply to@plumberdrain for the relevant section of the Canons of the C of E. Pragmatic priests will often use their judgment to make exceptions but that doesn’t change the canon law.

shout out to my rule breaking priest!

If you look on the C of E website under guides to life events it says "should", not must. Which is a deliberate softening to me.

Yes, because pragmatic priests will often use their judgment to make exceptions (some even turn a blind eye to unbaptised godparents) but that doesn’t change the canon law and it doesn’t make it ‘convention’.

In my day, Godparents (2) were chosen and accepted the role that, if anything ever happened to both parents, the Godmother and Godfather would raise their child. I read above that it is different for the CoE, so that may be the reason for their choices.

It's mostly a ceremonial role, unless the parent's feel/hope the Godparents should/will give lavish gifts on birthdays and holidays (something else I've seen over the years, along with a few other expectations). I know, even in my day it was supposed to be religious instruction and guidance but honestly, I didn't see GP's doing that at all. The parents did that role. If your church expects that and the GP's follow that path, that is really nice, and you should have been included.

OP--It's not that big of a deal, unless they start expecting your DH (and by extension you) to take care of the child when they want some time off. Then, since you aren't Godmother, you can feel free to refuse. So, it can be a good thing. (Remembering another thread in here with Nephews and DH's)😉

how do you know all this?

On this side of the pond, when mine were small, Catholic churches and Protestant religions that encouraged having Godparents usually had two, most often a married couple. I would imagine that has changed with the changes in circumstances.

Alright, I'll stand corrected.

In the end we didn’t christen our twins partly because of this family politics - just couldn’t be bothered with it! I think it’s significant your sIL is an only child. So all the godparents are her husbands siblings - she probably just wanted at least one person from ‘her side’ so it was a friend. The husband probably felt he was doing the right thing by asking all his siblings. I don’t think that automatically includes their wives too. Maybe he’s not that close to you and hoped you’d just understand that all the spots couldn’t be taken up by his side of the family!!

Partly because I’m a practising Anglican; partly because we moved house between DC1 and DC2 so one was baptised by a very strict priest and one by a very relaxed one; and partly because I went to a university with a big theology department and although I didn’t study it myself I consequently have a lot of friends who are priests .

I appreciate it.

I should know better really, I'm practising too with an A level in Theology and generations of clergy family! I'm usually pretty good on rules and conventions and understandings of C of E.

Bit cross with myself for having made an assumption without checking but you live and learn.

I understand @ProbablyLate … It’s not the fact you weren’t asked that bothers you, it’s the fact you were the only one not to be asked!!
I wouldn’t mention it to anyone else, but I would mention it to DH!!….. if he’s anything like my ex there was probably a discussion had between him and his brother about God parents and they’d probably said they were having SIL this time and you next… and he said oh great then just never told you!!
My ex would be on the phone to his mother for ages… I’d ask ‘How’s your mum?… what did she say?’….
He’d always reply that she’d said ‘nothing much!’

Then further down the line I’d find out some major news had been revealed like his niece was pregnant!!….In fact once I got a message from his mother saying his niece had given birth to a baby girl and called it Ruby and blubbering on about some nonsense…. I responded about what a surprise that was to me as no one had even told me she was pregnant !! 😂😂

Mention it in a ‘just passing’ comment to your husband and see if he suddenly reveals some big discussion about it!

Also you haven’t said … do you have children? Does the other SIL have children?

Is this a nephew or niece? And what is the gender of the school friend? I think traditionally, you only ask one godmother for a boy and more godfathers/ one godfather for a girl and more godmothers. Are they very traditional?