To think I should have been godmother?

[ProbablyLate]

I’m usually 100% on board with it being the parents’ right to choose who are their children’s godparents but I’m curious whether people think my BIL and SIL have been weird about this.

They asked DH to be DN’s godfather a couple of months ago (he’s BILs brother). I would have loved to also be asked but didn’t think too much of not being.

Anyway, at the christening on Sunday it turns out the godparents are DH’s other brother and his wife, DH, and one of BILs school friends.

SIL is an only child at DH only has the two brothers so of all DN’s aunts/uncles I’m the only one not to have been asked.

Me and DH have been together slightly longer than other BIL and SIL, both sets of us are married, live a similar distance away, and see one another a similar amount.

I would have said I got on well with both BIL and SILs so this has thrown me a bit!

On the day FIL was a bit 🤔about it but MIL cut him off with a “I’m sure Probably understands it’s their choice” (admittedly that probably wasn’t the moment to discuss it)

So AIBU to think I should have been asked to be godmother here?

It may have been more about not causing offence to your husband - they may have wanted school friend, other brother and wife and then thought your husband might have been offended so added him on (preferring to cause hypothetical offence to you rather than to your husband, or not even realising you might then be offended....).

In my eyes asking someone to be godparents a serious thing. If the parents die early, they're asking those godparents to have the child(ren). It is strange isn't it? Unless they think you'll split, and only want your husband to have him? How does that work, asking 4 people to be godparents? Who has the child if something happens to the parents?

Thank you @ISSTIUTNg for wording it perfectly. Its glaringly obvious being omitted

We have similar here in our family, Brother lives right across the road from parents and her parents live 5 mins up the road. they have snubbed our family completely since baby was born, latest one was neither me or my sis picked as god mother. Instead they picked "friends" and by friends i mean a couple they only have known for like 2 or three years. Not a friend grown up with or at wedding ect. At christening we sat at back, nothing to be done at all, readings etc done by her family. Same at dinner we pushed to the back. Similar at Christmas, delivered good nice presents but not allowed in etc. And before anyone jumps down on me, there is no back story - can not for life of me think why being like this, visitors allowed any time and loads of pics on social media etc but just none of our family so its a another notch on the snubness table and it bloody hurts
For what its worth, the christening is more of getting the child Babtised so it can get into a school, but to me a godmother is like a special aunt or uncle, treats you that little bit more, at least thats what would do

Op i get what your feeling and your allowed to feel this way but i would advise to try and rise above it, just nod and smile and treat them with politeness - you cant change them but you can change how it affects you

I thought, maybe wrongly, that when a boy was being Christened then they had more godfathers than godmothers and when a girls was being Christened they had more godmothers than godfathers so that would fit in these circumstances.

I am sure this was mentioned when we were all scrutinised at the meeting with the Vicar when I was asked to be godmother

@WhyAmINotCleaning very ableist thing to say.

I don't think you can expect to be asked, but I think it is odd and I probably would be offended.

Did they do the usual photos with just the parents, grandparents and god-parents? It must have looked really strange to all of the guests. She must have looked like his new wife.

It’s very odd to leave you out, I’d feel the same, OP. I wonder if the other SIL assumed she was also included, and they didn’t feel able to tell her otherwise.

I am really surprised at all the posters saying YABU. Of course they can choose who they want but doesn't mean someone can't feel hurt to not be chosen. It is really strange to pick one Brother and SIL and then just the other brother and blatantly leave you out.

We avoided this whole issue and just had friends as we had too many aunts/uncles to choose from, we felt that the family were already aunts and uncles so we had different GPs, my DB and SIL are the DCs guardians named in our wills also so no need for them to be GPs.

I helped a friend out through a very difficult time during her pregnancy. The situation was confidential and her mother was the only other person who knew about it. To most people in the family I probably seem a bit of a random choice of godparent. People have their reasons and I wouldn’t take it personally.

My understanding of the role is that part of it is that should anything happen to the parents you look after the children, so for that reason I'd not have asked one half of a married couple without asking the other. No doubt people will have different understanding of the role though and that will effect their opinion.

It likely has nothing to do with anything.

When DS was baptized (chose his own faith different to mine/DH) he needed a 'moral sponsor' to vow to teach him the religion... only two people we knew even 'qualified' to do it as per the churches requirement so no real 'choice'. Neither wanted to do it and we had to beg one too.

People put a lot of odd stock in this stuff but a 'godparents' job is to teach them about God. Its nothing to do with social standing about how important you are to the kid or who gets the kid if someone dies etc... its literally about religion.

Relationships work 2 ways though. My SIL went obnoxiously out of her way to allow me and my DH barely any contact with her first child when she was born whilst littering FB with smug posts about how much her mates and other SIL were enjoying their baby. We would have given her child our all but it was 100% snubbed. My dn is 10 now and this and other events have had a very lasting impact on our relationship We still only really see her on special occasions or when they're absolutely desperate for a babysitter. It's a pity because we have our own child now who absolutely adores her cousins. I am happy to facilitate any meetings my SIL wants but I am not lifting a toe or exhausting myself any more to make it happen. There comes a point where you just have to have a bit of self-respect and accept that you aren't wanted

That is absoloutly no part of it... there is zero legality in child care or adoption in it.

This was exactly my first thought.

Maybe DH is having an affair with this woman and they assumed he would have told OP by now?????

Sorry, OP. That was a bad joke.

I would have loved to have been asked by my best friend to be her children's godmother. However I am not religious and she is. So having someone who will do the God stuff with them is how it should be.

Where does this bizarre myth come from?

Every church I have encountered (and as a family we are 3 different denominations in one house) clarifies that only last will and testament can possibly have any baring on the placement of a child, its NOTHING to do with godparents.

A god parents job is to support the child in bible studies and attending religious milestones and events... nothing to do with death or adoption.

God Mumsnet is extra crazy at the minute.

You're definitely NBU OP. What they've done is rude and really quite mean. If they only wanted X number of GPs or didn't want in laws, they could have left SIL off.

Or just had friends and not family members. Or drawn names out of a hat if they only wanted to fill a set number of "family" spots. Pretty much anything but what they actually did.

In any other sphere - the workplace, school, hobby group etc - this would be called out as bullying by exclusion. The only reason it isn't is because it's "Family" and they're relying on you being like all these MNetters who think "their choice" trumps basic decency.

That's nonsense.

I am designated in my best friends will (after grandparents and direct aunts and uncles) to have legal guardianship of her children should something terrible happen.

Godparents are traditionally supposed to guide and support the children's spiritual growth. Nothing more.

What are you talking about? Where on earth did you get that idea? And, yes, you have gotten it very wrong!

A godparent's role is someone who promises to take responsibility for the child's religious education.

It may not be a universal or even common view but it isn't nonsense. I was still a teenager when I was asked to be godfather to my nephew, and I was told that part of the role would be to take care of him if anything happened to my sister and BIL.

I know it sounds crazy as a write it, but that is what I was told so I think there is that view in some areas/families/cults.

yeah they told you that to big up the role to a proud teenager

your parents ie their adult siblings ie your parents upon whom you were dependent…. would have been the one to take on responsibility for the children

There is 2 sides I agree, but there’s also often a backstory.

What kind of relationship did you have with them pre-pregnancy, how often did you see each other, all go out together, make plans together, speak to each other? How many times did you go round to see her when she was pregnant? How many times did you make plans with just her? How many times did you call and check in with her/them throughout the pregnancy?

If the answer to any of those is never/none/not much… of course you wouldn’t be on the invite list when baby is here.

I’m not saying that is the case for you, but there does seem to be this idea people have that regardless of the relationship you have with the mum & dad, everyone should be given equal and free access to any baby born “because they’re family”. If you didn’t have a close relationship pre-pregnancy and you didn’t have a close relationship during pregnancy, you can’t expect a close relationship after pregnancy. A woman (and both parents to be honest) never forgets the people that were there for HER. Take my BIL & SIL for example, I haven’t got a relationship with them currently, we don’t meet up, they don’t come round despite over the years us having repeatedly asked and made effort, they have maybe asked once how pregnancy is going. Me giving birth doesn’t suddenly mean I will then welcome them into my home constantly.

Your relationship with the child is an extension of your relationship with mum/dad, if you don’t really have a relationship with mum/dad, you will not have one with baby.

It may be that some parents ask the people who they ask to be godparents to their children also to be the people designated to care for their children in the event of their death, but they are two separate roles.

I wouldn't lose any sleep about it tbh, christenings and godparents are terribly dated. Having said that I am a godparent myself with no religious inclination whatsoever! I saw it more as a role model thing rather than a religious one.

I expect the school friend was top of the list but when we were in that position we just had three god parents. The 2 siblings and the school friend.

Even if they have a good reason they should have pre warned you and perhaps given a bit of an explanation - even if it was an exaggerated one. They should have realised it would come across as a bit if a snub (which it is really, as it clearly puts you as least favourite)