To think I should have been godmother?

[ProbablyLate]

I’m usually 100% on board with it being the parents’ right to choose who are their children’s godparents but I’m curious whether people think my BIL and SIL have been weird about this.

They asked DH to be DN’s godfather a couple of months ago (he’s BILs brother). I would have loved to also be asked but didn’t think too much of not being.

Anyway, at the christening on Sunday it turns out the godparents are DH’s other brother and his wife, DH, and one of BILs school friends.

SIL is an only child at DH only has the two brothers so of all DN’s aunts/uncles I’m the only one not to have been asked.

Me and DH have been together slightly longer than other BIL and SIL, both sets of us are married, live a similar distance away, and see one another a similar amount.

I would have said I got on well with both BIL and SILs so this has thrown me a bit!

On the day FIL was a bit 🤔about it but MIL cut him off with a “I’m sure Probably understands it’s their choice” (admittedly that probably wasn’t the moment to discuss it)

So AIBU to think I should have been asked to be godmother here?

Families can be right funny buggars and there's very little you can do about it. It took a lot of years of heartbreak and ultimately a very significant event for me to finally realise my IL's were never going to really care for me/dh/dh or put our needs first no matter what I do. This was actually very liberating as I pay them no mind now. I'll breathe the same air as them and that seems to work for us all

It must have felt hurtful on the day.

You seem reasonable in that you were fine when it was just your DH and not you, but it felt more like a snub when it was other BIL and his wife.
As if she is more signifcnat than you.

It does look like a snub and it's perefectly human to feel upset, the real question is what do you with the hurt?

I'd mention it to my DH. Just to be open between us so he knows how I'm feeling. But agree never to mention it to the BIL or grandparents. I'd then probaly be a bitcool with the BIL and wife as I'd feel they'd sent me a message that they didn't care much about me or my feelings. But always civil and never letting on.

OP you have mentioned several times being "left out".

You weren't, because you are a grown up and the situation is that they simply selected some other people. Their lives, their business. Honestly, get a grip and move on from this drama in your head.

in the months between your dh being asked and the date of the baptism… he never ONCE asked who the other godparents were?!

Were all the individuals specifically asked to be Godparents?
At my Dd1 christening the partner of a godparent assumed they were included even though they had never been officially asked.
On the day the kindest thing to do was let it slide, they are a lovely person and it was a misunderstanding.
They hadn't been asked as we had stuck to the traditional 2f 1m for a daughter.
I understand how you feel as the only person excluded though.

I am not remotely saying it has a legal basis, but where I am from I have heard similar comments. My family and our friends are not churchgoers and the idea of the god-parents supporting a childs spiritual wellbeing and bible studies is not on the radar.

Anyway, I'm not trying to argue anything other than to explain that some people do hold this view, because a PP was being told their comment was "nonsense". I don't think anybody believes this carries any legal weight.

All sort of possible reasons.
Are they closer to the other BIL & SIL? Are they childless? Do they buy better presents? Have more money? Is the other BIL a bit useless and the SIL the one who does most of the family contact/organising? Did you grow up in the same type of Christian sect?
I’m not surprised you feel a bit overlooked and they should have discussed it with you or DH. I’m really surprised that neither you or your DH knew before the service - it does suggest that no one thought it a big deal either way or you’re not as close as you thought you were. Most families would chat about the christening before the event and who is buying what gift for the baby. Was there not an earlier meeting with the vicar to discuss the roles or did your DH not think to mention it to you?
Do try not to dwell on it, it’s really pretty unimportant.

@ProbablyLate

So 2 godfathers (the brothers) and 2 godmothers (SiL and school friend).

By any chance would the parents expect that the 'married couple godparents' would take in and raise the child if 'something happens' to the parents? Could that be why they made this couple godparents and not you and DH. To avoid a 'squabble' on who would raise the child? Not saying that's a particularly good reason as it should be covered in their wills, but it's a thought.

I do think they should have at least explained to your DH why his wife wasn't being chosen and he was. But as others say, it's their decision and I suppose no explanation is really needed.

Well done. I think the same as you however for my parents its harder and hurts them so much. For example my mother sat the other side of the room in the hairdressers while my brothers mother in law sat the other side ( she didn't realise till leaving she was there ) and listened to everyone cooing over photos, how big he is getting, what food he is eating milestones he has reached etc that he knows nothing about. My fathers work collegues able to tell him about photos put up on FB etc that we are not part of but everyone else is. We live in a small town to make it worse. They are now actually contemplating moving, from a place they have lived in for over 20 years because of it

In general I don't think couples need to be asked to be godparents. But I can totally understand why you're hurt in this case. But no need to dwell on it. Just consentrate on being an aunty and don't do any of the mental load of present buying etc. So make sure that's your husbands responsibility.

The kindof relationship was that we did all the running around and visitting my IL's, mostly whilst being smirked at and looked down on by my self-indulgent little princess of a SIL who's 6 years younger than me. I tolerated her being a total bitch to me for years before any baby arrived. I could tell that SIL and PIL can't stand me for nothing other than superficial reasons. Her PIL are 100% preoccupied with their princess daughter and couldn't give a shit about anything affecting myself and my husband. If we ever did anything to remotely upset SIL we were even more austracised for it whether the SIL was in the wrong or not because PIL seem determined to eternally lick her arse and call it ice cream

There was a serious event in the family and it could easily have meant that my dh and I lost our child through no fault of our own. My IL's significantly contributed to this and yet when it all came to light the only thing they all cared about was how it was affecting them.

It's hard to believe for people who actually have nice families but some are just scum who are never actually going to care about you no matter what you do

On the day FIL was a bit 🤔about it but MIL cut him off with a “I’m sure Probably understands it’s their choice” (admittedly that probably wasn’t the moment to discuss it)

Ouch. That is pointed, OP; particularly given it was said in your hearing which does tend to suggest you were intended to hear.

Of course people have their own reasons for their choices, but leaving out one person in the circumstances you describe is a glaring omission and this also looks pointed. FiL, at least, has clearly picked up on this enough to comment on it.

Despite the inevitable comments upthread that your expectations are too great, that no one has the 'right' to be asked, etc., it is natural to be hurt by this. It does convey the message, whether intentionally or otherwise, that you are valued less than the other family members. It also really, really stings when you discover (or suspect) that others value you less than you do them.

Of course you can say nothing, as you'd (probably rightly) be accused of making it all about you. If this is a passive-aggressive snub, then the frustrating thing about passive aggression is that if you push back in response to it, you are the one who ends looking like a troublemaker.

I suggest you say nothing and do nothing, just file this information away for future reference. It's not worth causing a family schism over this, but I think I'd start taking very gradual steps back and spending my time instead with family and friends whom I know truly value my presence.

🌹

Haven’t you sort of proved my point there then? You and her have never gotten along, you dislike her, she dislikes you… so of course when she had a baby, you weren’t on the visit list.

I’m not saying that’s your fault, but you didn’t have a good close relationship with her beforehand, so you were unreasonable to think you would have a good close relationship with the baby.

Again, your relationships with babies are just an extension of your relationships with their parents. Not close to the parents = not going to be close to the baby.

Could they know you won't reciprocate but the others could?

i.e. you have had all your children and not asked them to be godparents but the others haven't finished their family yet?

also it doesn't matter! I made my choices based partly on not offending people and partly on who I thought would actually remember to send birthday cards. Don't overthink

So as well as being involved in the spiritual upbringing of the child it's also common that the godparents would be considered the people to take care of the child if the parents died. Could that be it? Are they more financially stable than you? Or have/don't have children of their own? Maybe it was deliberate that only one couple were involved to prevent any future squabbles.

You haven’t mentioned anything about your relationship to the parents. My godchildren are the children of my best friends. A family relationship gives you no automatic right. Really odd tbh that you’ve made it all about the family dynamic and not personal friendships.

You weren't 'left out'. You have no right to be a godparent- the child's parents have a free choice and, for whatever reason, did not want to choose you.
Possibly:
BIL's old friend is someone he very much wanted to have a role in his child's life. My best friend has 2 D Sis and 2 D Brothers but she asked me and another friend to be godparents to each of her two DC
They don't like you as much as the other 3 they chose.
They are saving you for their next DC.
They might be going to ask you if you would be a guardian if something ever happened to both of them.

Their choice. No 'should' about it.

Well my overall point and contribution to the thread was that you will never be good enough for some people no matter how hard you try. Blood should be thicker than water but that will only be the case if all parties see it this way. Otherwise they can be just as insignificant to you as you are to them. The choice is ultimately your's, that's my point

My DH and I are godparents to both of two siblings and the parents are our DCs’ godparents.

I was brought up by an active churchgoer who had no godparents for me or DB.

I don’t think there are fixed rules.

I think OP is right to be hurt - this is a very strange choice and does look very awkward. If I was OP, though, I would raise it with DH - just to ask whether he knows why SIL was chosen and I was left out.

We had no family or friends that were Christians, so when we had our baby baptized they didn't get any godparents. The Priest tried to force/encourage us to nominate people from the church, but as we didn't know them that well, we declined. It caused a bit of a stir, but we genuinely had no-one to ask to do it. So DH and I signed the paperwork ourselves.

i have read and re read your description of your relationship with your sister and i’m completely baffled why you’d ever think or want to be involved with her family. There is nothing, nothing, to suggest you would have been 😐 @ISSTIUTNG

They may be thinking that you’ll be first in line for the next baby!

I do not think that Godparents are the same as Guardians.
Godparents are supposed to provide guidance and advice. Guardians are supposed to be who looks after a child or children, should anything happen to their parents
I am one of 3. We all had different godparents, but our guardians were one of my maternal aunts and her husband, neither of whom was a godparent to any of us.
My SIL explained godparents in a really good way to my godson. Chopin is a "special" aunt. He is now 23 and the last time I saw him, which was at Christmas, I got massive kisses and loads of adult chat :-)

You're not horrible, I've never been asked either and yes it does hurt 😔