Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

YABU

For me, it’s an age thing.
The older you are the bigger the bedroom.

It would also mean one of his kids having a single room and one a double, which is going to be very unfair.

They’re also going to need a desk and things, which your DD won’t yet.

I think the 2 eldest should get the big rooms or as a PP said, suggest they share and have a hang out/game room.

OP you do not need to re do the bathroom yet .

all children need a double room at the moment . My DS15 is over 6ft he could not comfortably sleep in a single bed night after night - my younger one is 5ft7 and due a double bed for his next birthday .

At some point in the next few years one of the children will go to uni or move out and that is the time to perfect the bathroom .

You are prioritising the bath and a nice new bathroom over the children’s needs .

Teen boys may need double beds, mine does he is over six feet. He studies in his room, socialises, has friends over and I am sure will host his girlfriend and what is probably key they want and need privacy.

The above may be in your dh mind, if teens don't have privacy are they likely to continue to come? They can decide at these ages.

He shouldn't have agreed but honestly I would be engaging with architect to sort a solution. Is the attic convertible? That could be achieved before dd is a teen.

I honestly don't see how an architect can't sort the solution and really is a bath necessary?

The two boys get one double room to share and the box room as a ‘lounge’ with TV or whatever so they can have private space. Your DD gets the other double.

I also don't understand the need for a 'proper family bathroom', not like any of you will be using the space at the same time? With the youngest being 9 there is no need for a bath. Many countries in the world get by with just showers and everyone thrives.

I hope in all of your plans you've accounted for another toilet, as that's the most important. No point having a proper family bathroom if someone still can't pee when the shower is in use 💁🏽‍♀️

Could your partner's two children have 2 beds in one of the big bedrooms and use the small bedroom as a boys' den / games room? Then your DD could have a big bedroom to herself....

Your daughter has the luxury of staying in one house for almost all the time.
The boys are constantly on the move. No home is there proper home. As an adult I can imagine how I would feel being constantly on the move. I hate that this is what we put so many children through but that's another point entirely.
I would give the boys bigger rooms partly as a tiny payback for the nomadic lifestyle they have been forced to live.

That is absurd logic.

I think people are getting stuck on the fact that you are talking about the rooms of 'stepchildren' and feeling sorry for them, forgetting that your daughter is also a stepchild and your dh wants his step daughter to go in the smallest room despite her being there most of the time.

I think it's clear that one of the boys needs to take the small room and they can decide this between themselves. Or you can post a diagram and we can see if there's a more clever way of doing the bathroom.

I think fundamentally the problem is that DH has promised his children something against your express request, and is now arguing that his actions mean that you must be held to this promise. He needs to recognise that he has not approached this situation in the right way.

If one child is in the house almost twice as much as the other two children in the house then obviously the first child should have one of the bigger rooms.

I think you and DH should explain the situation to the other two children and give them a choice:

• They share a room and can use the single room as a joint gaming or TV space.

• One of them gets the bigger room, the other one gets the smaller room plus a specified amount of money that they can spend as they wish.

DP needs accept that he's fucked up by offering separate bedrooms AND the biggest bedrooms.

You've got loads of options:

• if you're removing a wall, remove a couple more and even up the rooms
• the boys share the bigger one to sleep and also have their own den
• rotate rooms

I don't think any of the children should permanently have the smaller room. That's also not fair. It doesn't sit well with me that just because the boys aren't there as much, one should get the smaller room.

I think your DH is being an arse. If your stepchildren are always on their phones and don't have loads of stuff they don't need a double room.

Put both of them in the double room together and tell them one is free to move into the smaller room if they want privacy. I'm sure the issue will sort itself.

I would if possible, make a great big walk in cupboard, (there are never enough cupboards. Ever.) reducing one of the doubles, so the 2 boys get a single room (but won't need a wardrobe as "walk in" for stuff ) leaving yours & one remaining double room for value if resale.
I would explain to the boys, that in view of your DD having so much stuff, she gets the room so she can play in her room. They don't "play" other than on their phones

I’d rather have a small bathroom than a small bedroom. I don’t understand why a “sizeable chunk” needs to be taken from a bedroom if the room is already a bathroom. You are only in there one at a time.
You sound like you have a decent budget and with 4 double bedrooms and room for a garden office it sounds like the house is on a decent plot with a decent footprint. I’d consider a downstairs extension for a shower room, a loft conversion, a garage conversion, a bathroom in the garden office and sucking it up with a normal sized shower before a started making a double into a single with 3 dc still at home.

I don’t understand why you would change a 4 bed to a 3 bed lessening your resale price. It doesn’t make sound sense for your investment.

Yes a family bathroom is a necessity. Ruling out that you can’t afford or accommodate a double storey extension to enable this be be upstairs without encroaching upon bedroom space. Would there be scope to do something downstairs in terms of layout to allow the family bathroom to go down there?

Failing that, let the boys share a bedroom, turn the small room into a man den for them (which may compensate) and stick your daughter in the other double.

This.

it a classic NMFP (not my fucking problem)

He is writing cheques he can’t cash and he needs to sort it

do NOT compromise your DD’s needs for his stupidity - what message does it send your DD?

I agree with others that he should be able to resolve this via renovation design the house must have a decent footprint… but again it’s his job not yours and he should be paying the difference on build cost

So they should have huge rooms to play on their phones (for half the time) while the younger child with lots of toys is crammed into the smaller room full time? Ridiculous logic. It's not OP's DD's fault that their parents separated.

I’d give the boys a choice, they can share a big room, maybe with the single room as a study for anyone to use? Or one takes the single room and the other, the double. Then dd gets the other bigger room. It’s crazy for 2 big bedrooms to sit empty half the time!

Well unless she's also already promised her DD the bigger bedroom, she won't have any idea that is now being 'downgraded'??

Agree that another WC is more important than a spacious bathroom.

4 nights a month is quite a different thing to 50pc of the month !

Maybe do extra bathroom downstairs- not ideal. But ends the drama. Also will make your house more appealing when you sell as you still have 4 double big bedrooms.

She's explained that the shower cubicle is narrow and her DP can barely fit in it. I don't think it's unreasonable to want a bath.

I’m with the posters who say that there is no need to change the bathroom. Another loo would be good, and you may be able to turn a downstairs loo into another small shower room. But four double bedrooms will be much better all round. If you need more space upstairs, remodel completely so that you’ve got three small doubles rather than two doubles and a single.

As an aside, not so much for the OP but for anyone else buying a house, if you’ve got a list of must-haves, buy a house which already has them. Or if you are determined to remodel, decide what needs to be done before you buy the house.

What about giving DD bigger bedroom.

Step children. Eldest gets first pic of double room. Other gets single room. They swap every 12 months