Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

Making teenage boys share is not ideal in honesty so I think they do need their own space. And they will need space for desks etc as they will be studying and if they are with you 50pc of the time then that's a lot of studying. Is there no way you can reduce the size of the bathroom expansion to make the smallest bedroom slightly bigger so it's not so compromised

The youngest kids always seem to get the shittest room; it's really unfair. I think the child there most gets first pick, and then the rest can work it out. Just promise your daughter she isn't getting the tiny room, and then ask him how you square the circle. Any chance of taking a bit of the next room along and shifting the other wall a bit? If he won't see reason let the kids all draw straws.

Don't do the bathroom until the eldest goes to uni (or whatever)

If you have a garden office there must be a downstairs toilet at least?

It sounds as though the bathroom is still not going to work for a family of five. You need to find space for an extra shower room and toilet elsewhere. Maybe one of the other bedrooms could be re configured?

If you have DC doing art/music/other creative subjects they need a lot of space 😨

I think you need to change things somehow. Can you use a room downstairs for the bathroom or a medtoom, so if you have a dining room, use it as a bedroom for the eldest child or you/DH.
Or
Keep bedrooms the same and have a shower room upstairs, and downstairs make a bathroom - you'll need more toilets anyway, so make a room downstairs into a bathroom (we have this, it's a converted bungalow, so main bath downstairs, two en suits up stairs and a den/ occasional bedroom, downstairs en suite master, a separate bathroom, another spare room, and other living/utility rooms

We recently moved into a four bed house with the tiniest bathroom in the world . It’s actually been fine, it’s not like more than one person uses it at once ?! So how big does it really need to be “ for a 4 bed house” . We shower and shit in it🤷🏾‍♀️ Any dressing or hair/ make up etc gets done in bedrooms, just make sure everyone has a dressing gown! I actually hate my bathroom because its old and ugly but the tiny size Doesn’t affect its use in any way. See if you can just squeeze a slightly larger shower cubicle in it or tell DH to breath in.

Teenagers need room for a bed (ideally a double), a proper desk for studying, space for chilling out having some privacy. If they have friends over they need much more space. A bedroom is more like their living area. 50% of time there is a fair whack of time.

9 year olds (or at least mine) tended to sleep in their room and that was about it they are downstairs interacting with parents much much more, other than sleep overs.

With 3 children I would much prefer 4 double rooms that will be well used vs a very occasionally used bath.

This ! I don't think people understand how hassly it is for teens to schlep between 2 houses. I don't think people get how hard it is for teens to share a room, especially when they start have girlfriends etc and want to have a private conversation on the phone but their sibling is sat there earwigging.
Growing up in our house the youngest had the smallest room and then when the oldest left for uni the next oldest moved into that room and so on.
This is not a step child issue. This is a divide unequal rooms issue. The step children are as much a part of the family as the DD and deserve to be considered equally. They live there half the time.
So have a family conference, lay it all out and discuss it with the 3 of them. Including the small bathroom option

Forgot to add we do have a downstairs toilet , 2 toilets for a large household is invaluable. Not sure we would manage with 1.

Any chance of posting an upstairs plan so we can make suggestions @ProbablyAmy?

Also, cabin beds in a single bedroom turn them into claustrophobic hell holes.

I wouldn't reduce the bedroom to a single as surely you're devaluing the house? I'd suggest asking who ever is doing the drawings if there's another solution. My H used to do this sort of work and could normally sort out a way to get a bathroom downstairs if people didn't want to cut into the bedrooms.

You're both uncompromising. DH should never have made promises but you are equally unwilling to look at alternative renovations.

Honestly just post a floor plan I guarantee someone will come up with a better solution.

I would strongly advise that you should prioritise having two bathrooms first, and that you should consult an architect on that basis, and then see where that leaves you bedroom-wise. Five people using just one bathroom (no matter how big it is) is less than ideal. The size is immaterial as it can only be used by one person at a time.

They may suggest a second bathroom as an en suite to your own room so that there's a kids' bathroom (the existing one), and an adults' one, and the bedrooms remain doubles. If you have a garden level office, is there space beside it for a kids' bathroom?

Your DP is being ridiculous and is only being like this because he feels guilty. In our house, we have three doubles and a box room. We’ve got the the largest with the en-suite, bedroom two is our office as we WFH 80% of the time, bedroom 3 is for my DS as he lives with us 100% of the time, the box room is for DSS as he’s with us 4 nights a month. We actually upgraded from a 3 bed to a 4 bed, specifically so DSS could have his own room as previously he’d been on a pull out in the office (his room was turned into the office at the start of the pandemic)

Given that we spent £100k to give him his own bedroom, I don’t feel a single ounce of guilt that the room is the smallest one. After all, he uses it the least anyway. That’s the way you should look at things. I don’t get the MN obsession with treating step kids like Kings and Queens, often to the detriment of kids who have to actually live in the home full time.

Can you keep the double bedrooms and add a shower / sink / mini ensuite in any of them to reduce bathroom traffic?? X

Children that age have toys and tend to need space for active plays. teenagers usually don’t. That needs to be considered.

putting your DD in a room that doesn’t fit those needs - if a better one is available - therefore wouldn’t be reasonable. Especially when one considers that she lives with you most of the time.

your DP was an idiot to promise rooms - especially the „bigger ones“ - before renovations were completed. He will need to come up with a solution or tell his DC that he unfortunately won’t be able to keep his promise.

IMO given your DD spends more time at your house and is the youngest, so has more years before she goes to uni, she should have one of the double rooms.

The 15 year old only has max 3 years until goes to uni/further education.

I would give your DD a double, the eldest DS a double until he goes to uni and the youngest DS a single until older one leaves then he upgrades. I assume they have their own rooms at their Mothers house?

I wouldn't make two teenage boys share if they don't have to - they need privacy. It might feel unfair of them to have one in a big and one in a small room. I think you could explain to them that your dd keeps all her stuff in her room so needs more storage and otherwise they might have her coming in and out of theirs to get her clothes or lego which they won't want.
Your dh then has to find a fair way to decide with the boys who gets which room. If might be that whoever gets the big one also has to agree to their room being the 'guest room' when they're not there, so there will be pros and cons to each room. Or maybe the big room has to have the games console in so that the brother with the bigger room has to allow his brother in during certain hours or something like that.

Could the boys share the sleeping space but give the the smaller space as another room to relax in ie. set it up with futon and couch or gaming room so they can have sperate spaces and just have to sleep in same room

You and your husband take the single with bunk beds.

That's a good idea.

Ps surely step kids need desk space to do homemwork though?

Double check plans to see if any other way of solving the problem. Understand the bedroom sacrifice for bathroom, as that has been done in the house I live in. With the house design, there are very limited options as to what you can do - which maybe the same for the OP. Any loft space for conversion possibly?
A younger child often needs more floor space for activities (certainly the case in my immediate family) so maybe more suitable for her to have one of the larger rooms.
If the older boys have been sharing, then that could potentially continue with the smaller room available for them somehow. There is going to have to be a compromise somehow and 1 child might feel hard done by, but DH definitely being thoughtless with his bedroom suggestions.....

Your DD gets the smallest room because she is the smallest. Simple. Your choice to buy what you bought and renovate the way you are isn't the problem of the bigger children. In 3 years the oldest is 18 anyway so she can move in then, as assuming he will be away at Uni etc. This can be easily explained to them all.