Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

Have you got a pic of current floor plan and proposed floor plan? Is there room downstairs to make a.second shower room or can you put an ensuite in the master and just take room from the master?

How ever you do the bedrooms is one point.
But, I come from a large family (5 children) and the bigger issue here is ONLY 1 bathroom.
i don't think you understand how dumb and shortsighted it is . I would rather have 4 really really really tiny bathrooms than 1 king size one.
As children become teenagers they spend increasingly more time on their toillette. (Unnecessary but true).
So your dad will be in the bathroom for an hour shampooing her hair and powdering her face and her brothers can't have a wee.

You're setting yourself up for disaster. Endless "get out Gina, you've been in the for 45 minutes"
"I need to shower, the dance starts in 30 minutes. Mooooom, tell John to get out".

Honestly we all had the same mom and dad and it was big fights until we had 2 bathrooms put in. We divided it one for the girls and one for the boys. Both were not large but it meant I could go in for a quick wee, while my sister was showering and likewise could my brothers.

Can you not reduce the size of two of the doubles? That way the boys get a smaller one each and daughter gets the remaining double.

It sounds like each dc needs a double room. You need to change the bathroom plans.

@sondot I'm struggling to understand how your propesed changes make the bathroom any more suitable for a bigger family?

You're not adding any capacity - only one person at a time will be able to use it, this doesn't change anything?

Surely an under-stairs loo would be better? I wouldn't be investing in such a change that provides zero actual benefit (regarding capacity, it's always nice to have a bigger shower, or more space to wrap your towel up) and is going to cause so much aggro?

Your dh has fucked up big time and needs to acknowledge that to you all.

If the building plans can’t be changed the. The only fair solution is to give one of the big rooms to your dd and then give the other two the option of alternating between the other double and single (every 6 months swap?) or sharing the double.

For the poster who said it wasn't the ops daughters fault her parents separated, obviously it wasn't, but neither was it the boys. I'd try to avoid making a single bedroom. I grew up sharing with one bathroom two sisters and a brother. Nightmare.
You can put small ensuites into bedrooms.
Could you do this?

Also as I side point, I find your posts a bit "the step children only visit BLA BLA" like not even "my step children" no, 'the'.
You can have your own ideas but I feel like you're not even willing to acknowledge their feelings.
It would read better of you had more compassion even when standing on your points .
"While I realize the boys are teenagers and need more privacy than a 9 year old and probably already feel shunted from here to there and may feel like they don't properly belong in our family or home, I still feel that my dad needs the larger room since she is here most of the time."

Uhh I don't know I just don't get a lot of compassion from you.
And also, think of the fight when the boys study in your office. Are you thinking it all through?
What if you work a late night?
The boys need to study during the day/school holiday for a test or exam?
Seriously none of us only studied from 5pm onwards.
Also "John, did you leave the banana peel in the office!!?" "Who moved my file?"" I've told you a million times not to plug your computer in at this *#$_ plug!"

I think you are favouring her. You’re quick to talk about Lego and drawing, but say all they have is a bag and their phones? If it’s 50/50, where’s all their stuff? It must be hard for them living between two houses; you need to make sure both feel like home. They should have a wardrobe full of clothes (not a bag!), dvds, a tv , record player and vinyl if they’re into that, books, game stuff… usual teenage set up.

My DC was so upset to be given the crappiest room when they stayed at their dad’s house, and that was only every now and then. This is probably why I feel so strongly.

I do think your other half was out of order promising them without agreeing everything first but as a unit you need to honour what he’s promised them. Also, I think you’ve messed up the layout if it doesn’t work for all of you.

Lego will have to go in a toy box in the lounge and DD can draw at the kitchen table. When she’s their age, they may well be off to Uni and she can benefit from a larger room then. For now, it’s their turn.

Could you get a midi sleeper/high sleeper for the smaller room so you can utilise space under the bed for storage/desk as others have said in a few years time DSC will be older and unlikely to be needing a room- then your DD can get one of the bigger rooms?
I see what you are saying that DH shouldn’t have made promises but you’d still have the same dilemma about who gets the smaller room.

Alternatively draw straws then DC can’t say there’s been any favouritism.

You've both put 50% in but your DH wants a bigger share of the actual space in order to keep his promise to his DS's. In that case it's your DH who should suffer the consequences by continuing to shower in a shower that he barely fits in. Why should your DD have to have a single room because he foolishly? made promises that he shouldn't have.

Is it possible to convert the attic into another bedroom?

Oh and there are no guarantees that either DS will go to uni or move out at the age of 18.

Also as I side point, I find your posts a bit "the step children only visit BLA BLA" like not even "my step children" no, 'the'.

Really, nit picking over one word? 🙄Also, maybe OP is favouring her DD but her DH is also favouring his sons.

Seems obvious to me. Your DD gets the single room for 3 years then when eldest DSS is 18 or off to uni they swop. In time for secondary and a room revamp

Good point actually - if everyone else is fine with the shower cubicle then he should suck it up since he caused this drama.

I’d give the boys the bigger rooms on the understanding that when your youngest starts secondary school and needs more space she will take on of the bigger rooms. By then, as others say, the boys (or at least one of them) might be at uni or deciding they don’t want to come round as much as they have their own social life.

If they want a room each then one has a double and one the single, you dd as nearly full time there a double and you a double

otherwise the boys share and perhaps the single room can be a hang out room for them

alternatively can you do the renovation to take space from two doubles to make each slightly smaller rather then reducing one to a single

Is your 9-yr old worried about not having a wardrobe in her room?
Will she sit in it alone a lot?
Give her a paint palette and say "Choose whatever you want + bedding", and she'll be as happy as anything.

I wouldn't do the full renovation for a few years.
If the house is a new build, well very few 4 bed new builds come without an en-suite.
If it's an older house it will have been built with room for a bath, maybe refit the bath and have a shower over for the next few years until the teenagers' plans become a bit clearer.

One large bathroom won't fix any future problems. You need a separate toilet/shower. Either upstairs or downstairs.

His boys are going to need quiet space to revise soon (if not already). Everyone else's comments about bathrooms all valid, one is not enough.

I think answer is put eldest boy in biggest room, add a small ensuite, and lounge type area with screen for gaming. Put DD in 2nd biggest room. Put younger DS in small room, but then he can share ensuite and lounge bit with brother. They get the 'best' facilities then, your DD gets space she needs, and you add value to house by having second ensuite and therefore fancy guest room when they've all left home. You only need 2.5ish Square metres for ensuite, that's what ours is.

With it being a 50/50 they are there quite a lot, they are also at the age of needing a bit of their own space as teenagers.

As much as I agree the full time child should get preference usually, in this case I would give DD the smaller room on the basis she is the youngest, boys have one each. On the basis that this changes when the boys are 18+, which you’ve only got 3/4 years tops. The boys then share the biggest 2nd, DD gets a double and there is a spare single if one of the boys prefers to sleep there.

Yes it’s a compromise for DD but most of us youngest kids grew up in the box room until the oldest buggered off to college / uni. She can still have a gorgeous room, make DH put his hand in pocket for some good storage solutions.

Your husband was an idiot to promise things before plans were finalised, but I'd also be irked that he'd assumed his children would automatically have the two largest rooms, especially given that they'll only live there half the time.

If the teens were originally mostly motivated by the wish to have their own private spaces, at least that's still happening. As for needing a place to study, I managed while sharing a room with a much younger sibling. Something can be arranged.

Wait they’ve always shared and aren’t just happy to have their own space? That is crazy to me that they think having a small room isn’t a luxury when they’ve always shared.

Your partner is an idiot sorry but he had no right to do that and is really awful to not even consider your daughter.

I feel sorry for your 9 yo playing alone in her room! I’d make part of the living area with storage for her things - I don’t think having a bedroom and toys in the same space is ideal tbh. You can keep her clothes in your room?

She really has to have the smallest room.