Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

DD is here 26 days out of 30. To me, it doesn’t make sense to have her toys, books, Lego etc spilling out into other rooms when she could just have a bedroom that accommodates everything. In the smaller room, she will also need a single wardrobe, which won’t fit all her school and home clothes in. DPs children bring a bag with them with half their clothes - the other half stay at their mums - so they could manage with a single wardrobe.

I don’t have stepchildren but my children’s toys are all over the house! We have storage solutions in other rooms if need be.

Have you pooled funds into the house equally? If so definitely don’t accept the smaller room for your daughter. In my experience younger children play far more in their rooms, older ones tend to be on phones / studying so don’t need as much physical space. They shouldn’t have been promised they’d get the bigger room creates a dynamic of inequality between the 3 and sense that they are ‘more important’ than the youngest.

It would be unfair for your DD to have the smallest room considering she is there most of the time! The 2 boys are only with you 50% of the time. As they are only a year apart, perhaps they should draw straws on who gets the smaller room. Your DH shouldn’t have promised if the final house plans won’t confirmed.

Unfortunately their dad is going to have to have a conversation with them.

It doesn’t make sense for your daughter, present 26/30 days to have a room too small to suit her needs whilst two larger rooms stand empty 50% of time.

Children all over the world live in 'single' rooms! Many share a 'single' room. ~There are brilliant storage solutions availible. And not too expensive. Ikea do some great options. If you absolutely can't forgo changing the bathroom maybe you can adapt the size of it a bit to make the single room a slightly bigger size.

Unless your DD has any sen or something which makes being in a communal space difficult for her, I actually think it makes more sense for your DD to have the smaller room for a few years. She's at an age where they're quite happy to be in a communal space whereas the oldest boys will need somewhere quiet to study for exams and are more likely to want to shut themselves away listening to music or whatever.

Whoever has the single room will need to be given space elsewhere in the house for a desk and to keep extra belongings. You can't just expect a teenager studying for GCSEs/A-levels or equivalent to not be able to study half the week.

Then in a few years time you can review. Given the older boys have had to share until they're 14/15, it doesn't seem unfair for your DD to have a single until a similar age (and possibly younger if the 15 year old goes away to uni/moves out shortly after 18)

@Glitterbaby17 Yes, we have financed and own the house equally. DPs children are only interested in being on their phones, they don’t do anything else in their bedrooms. So having a small room wouldn’t make any material difference to what they would be doing in there. Whereas DD draws, reads, builds Lego and still wants to play in her bedroom.

Also I'd look at something like this for your DD.

https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/smastad-loft-bed-white-grey-with-desk-with-4-drawers-s09435588/?gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAnfmsBhDfARIsAM7MKi0VwOScexph4wssxPvHeCNiK1jCsg9MAOskwc6RBoeGkR1P9S7fatUaApPxEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

This

You don't have a stepchildren issue, or even a dp issue.

You have a housing issue that you are creating.

Get a decent plumber to renovate the existing bathroom, find a way to put a downstairs loo in. Under the stairs or in the back of the kitchen.

But do not make this a children issue step or otherwise, because it absolutely isn't. It is adults making arbitrary decisions that impact children without ever considering it properly.

From the outside, it seems like the fairest solution would be for DD to have a double room and the boys to toss a coin as to who gets the remaining double and single. Whoever gets the double has to accept that their room will be used for any guests who visit when they're not there and maybe some shared storage as well.

Is it possible they won't even be that bothered as long as they each get their own space?

Alternatively, is there a dining room/study downstairs that one of the boys could have as a bedroom for a few years?

I would have DD in the smaller room for now until the boys leave/turn 18 etc then switch. Your daughter could get a captain's bed for now. The older ones need a desk to study which doesn't sound like it would fit. Agree with others that you should have considered this before buying or renovating house.

I live in a 4 bedroom house with a tiny bathroom and it took a bit of getting used to as its too small to get undressed in.

But on the whole i prefer having more bedroom space.

I think the family should discuss this together and see if they can suggest a solution. The teens might surprise you, or perhaps their dad can provide an incentive for the smallest room.

My eldest volunteered to have the smallest room, as he knew his younger brothers needed a room each and more space than he needed at 16. The younger two had always shared as a year apart, but by about 9 and 10 needed separate rooms to save my sanity from their increasing arguments.

Could you move another wall to make the single a more equitable size? Taking space from another bedroom?

Put a high bed in the small room with a desk and floor space underneath it. Whoever sleeps there, this is the way to give them enough space to play or study.

Is there any way of pinching bits of two bedrooms to make the bathroom bigger instead of completely diminishing one bedroom?
What about downstairs?

Do they not need desks to study at?

If you want your daughter to have a bigger room, one way to sort the teens is to give them a choice - either both share the biggest room and the small room becomes a gaming den, or there’s one small bedroom and one big bedroom but whichever brother gets the big bedroom has to share it for gaming during the day.

What's the house layout? Maybe there's a better solution with that?

Though I don't think there's anything wrong with your DD having the smaller room. You can get a great cabin bed with a desk and wardrobe underneath. It'll only be a few years then the older ones are likely to visit less and be off to uni etc.

Give the teen boys a choice: they can each have a double until they are 18, at which point you will need to re-jig to make sure DD has a double for secondary school where she needs more space for sleepovers/desk etc.

OR one of them picks the small room now and it's theirs for good.

Other suggestion which may not work but anyway:
Give the elder two DC adjacent rooms.
Then take a bit of room out of both of them to produce a 'jack and jill' shared shower/toilet for them.

If you have a floorplan, someone might have another idea that you haven't thought of.

Compromise. DD gets the smaller room but has her own downstairs playroom. Make space whilst renovating to ensure this happens. Teens clean their rooms - maybe one of them would be happy with a smaller room? I think DH needs to man up and chat to his sons properly they're old enough to understand and might prefer a smaller room.

Interesting. What's the 15 year old like? Are they likely to be going to uni in a couple of years? Maybe they could have the smaller room with a nice desk and laptop etc.