Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

Threads like this mean that if ever DP and I split up, I would never get together with someone else who already had children.
Step children always got a raw deal.

I'd be more pissed off by the fact that you were buying a house together and he was making promises to his kids about the rooms without first discussing and agreeing with you.

Now it's a fuck up whatever solution you come up with. Them being there 50% of their time means they are a significant part of the household. I think the children should have been considered equal - which means your tit of a partner should have considered that too. Only compromise I can think of might be to ask the boys if they'd go for sharing a double room, and having the small room as their 'den'. Somewhere they can set up their games, have comfy chairs to sit on, like a slightly more grown up play room.

I hope this is a one-off from your DP and that he usually treats you with more respect.

Exactly. The bedroom being bigger is obviously of more pressing concern here. The children should all have double bedrooms.

No one needs a huge family bathroom. Quick wash then out of shower in five minutes. Easy. We have shower over a bath for six of us. Guess what? We manage fine OP.

Tbh if your DP is being so stubborn I'd say OK, DD has the smallest room allocated to her, BUT she will need a chest of drawers and will be sharing a desk in one of the bigger rooms, even if they're allocated to the boys. And some toys stored there, which she can play with in there when they're not around.

It doesn't make sense for so much space to go unused 80% of the time.

So yeah she has the smallest room but when the boys aren't around, she can use the space.

Same. No way would I get involved with anyone who already had children. The stress of my own is bad enough!

I disagree I think families do need a bath and OP clearly wants one !

Of course your daughter should have the bigger room and anyone who suggests otherwise is being ridiculous. It's her main home whereas the other are there 50/50. Unless you're a millionaire, it's completely unreasonable for your DCS to expect to have a room each in 2 houses. There's a housing and cost of living crisis going on! The notion that they get the same in each is ridiculous.

Or... DD gets small room, DSS share a double and the 3 kids have a double room as their playroom/den. Room in it for a wardrobe for DD.

Or they get double of everything? Rooms in 2 houses, double the presents, double Christmas?

But they're all stepchildren? So who should win?!

Actually, I kind of think the opposite.

The problem would have been avoided by having a conversation about bedroom allocation upfront, including all five members of the family, before they bought the house. If it was clear that nobody was going to be happy with the small bedroom then they should have looked for another house. To say let's talk about a massive issue for the kids later when it's too late to do anything but piss somebody off is slightly naive on the part of both the OP and her DH.

The kid whose main/only home it is. The older kids have a room in the other house.

They share in their other home.

A room that they share.

It's weird to me that your step children have no belongings. It doesn't sound like it's really their home.

I dunno, I get the impression that you want everyone to say of course your child is more important but she isn't.

And was she really using toddler furniture until you moved?!

I often feel that 50/50 custody arrangements are more to benefit the parents than the kids and lead to issues like having to have 2 homes exactly the same (according to Mumsnet). Honestly, who can affford that?

Can you not create a family bathroom downstairs ?

Yep exactly. Poor kids. It’s not double of everything as a pp said, it’s half of everything and not having a real home. It’s having to carry your possessions in a small bag between houses and then that being used to justify why you shouldn’t get your own space in either house. It’s being a teenager with a life and friends and important exams and being told that a 9 year old needs to have room for their Lego or your stepmum needs a bath rather than a shower.

The fairest thing is to prioritise space for the teens and then when the DD is a teen she can move into the bigger room.

@tachetastic

To say let's talk about a massive issue for the kids later when it's too late to do anything but piss somebody off is slightly naive on the part of both the OP and her DH.

Except it wouldn't be pissing anybody off if DH hadn't made promises he couldn't fulfil 🤷‍♀️

My point is, it wouldn't need to be "a massive issue for the kids" if no promises had been made. If they'd just bought the house and said "we will discuss bedroom allocation when we know more about the renovations needed" etc, it wouldn't now be a huge issue where DH has to go back on a promise he's made against the OP's advice.

It may not be as bad as it is now, but somebody would have ended up disappointed.

When you walk around a new house you agree who sleeps where. I am baffled that nobody thought this might be a problem. Well actually it sounds like the two boys did think and spoke up first.

I'm not defending the DH at all, but I still think the better answer would have been for OP and her DH to act like adults and have the conversation with the kids upfront rather than kicking it down the line when it's probably too late to make everyone happy.

When you walk around a new house you agree who sleeps where.

Not necessarily. We didn't agree as such when we viewed our home. We discussed who may sleep where - but arrangements were firmed up made after we moved in. All families are different.

@harrietm87 And teens should not be carrying possessions in a bag to their home for half a week. They should already have clothes and possessions at their dads house. It sounds like the dad does not provide what they need so they need to bring stuff from their mums.

@StardustGiraffe The OP is saying clearly her child should win as she lives there most of the time. She does not have a 50/50.

It’s not a massive issue for the kids. It’s a massive issue for the OP.

Maybe she should have made it clear that she would want her young DD to have a big room to herself and she was OK with her teen SSs arguing about who had the smaller room and the upset that may cause.

Assume OP and her DH were aware they’d be extending the bathroom and didn’t just suddenly realise it was too small after purchase.

Her DH may well have refused to purchase that property if he she’d been clear on that!