Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

Okay, fine, but the point is you imagine where people will/might sleep so you can determine if you will all fit in and if everybody will be happy. It sounds like they knew upfront that the bathroom didn't work and needed to be extended. A sensible adult would have understood the impact on the bedrooms then appreciated that it needed to be addressed or they look for another house.

It is different if you are already in a house when the DCs arrive, but you don't buy a house on a whim. Surely you would think about these things before making a massive financial commitment?

I think I'd be re-looking at the plans. None of the current solutions sound great. I think the suggestion of the jack & jill bathroom, taking a little off of two of the larger rooms, might be the solution. But, also, we had a family of 5 in a 3 bed house. Sister and I in the largest room, parents in the other double, and brother in the box room. The dining room had a big long desk in it for homework (often with Mum, too, doing school prep.)
We - shock horror - also managed with one bathroom/shower, and another WC. The morning routine was VERY regimented. If it was hair day for my sister or I, we were in there at 06:30! 😂

The step kids are there 50/50, they get one single and 1 double and DD gets the double because that’s her main home. The boys can have a room each and perhaps rotate who stays in which, but the people who live there as their main home do need to have more space. They will have their own rooms which is better than they have in their other home.

DP has learned a lesson. One hopes anyway. Leave him to deal with it but don’t budge on your dd having a room big enough to accommodate her as she’s there more

@MzHz so the boys do not get a main home?

And if DP has learned a lesson it is that his partner will always put her child first. That is not unusual in blended families, but it is clear that the idea of blended is a lie.

If you have financed equally, you could think of bedroom floor space per parent. So he gets two and a half doubles. And you get half a double and a single. Really not equal...

Exactly. Poor bloody kids.

The fact that the SS are there 50:50 is irrelevant really. The DH is not contributing to their home with their mum if, as is likely no child maintenance is being paid, is contributing to the OP’s DD home as they own the house equally but his DC should be classed as lower priority need to the OP’s DD!

The OP even says the SS ‘stay’ rather than live with them which says it all really. No wonder they don’t have much stuff there.

I think you need to rethink the bathroom though. Currently your renovations are not fair on the kids. Can you put an ensuite in the biggest room. A Jack and Jill bathroom?

I know and I agree with her!

I was just pointing out that her daughter is also a stepchild in this situation, just because she's there the most doesn't mean she's not also dealing with the challenges. So often only the man's children are considered as 'step' by posters in these scenarios.

I agree. Was just pointing out that OP's child is also a stepchild and dealing with 2 homes etc.

@BlackeyedSusan what a strange way to treat children.

I actaully think YABU and this is from someone with a disabled child in a blended family.

My DD (aged 9) lives with us 100% of the time, she sees her dad 1 night a month only (so 12 times a year). She's in the smallest single room with some equipment that she needs for her disability.

She has toys in the living room and her bedroom and just switches round what she wants.

Two DSCs. Boy and a girl, have their own double rooms. They're in their rooms far more than DDs in hers so it made sense.

I know it feels unfair but I'd just make the best of it, sounds like it's not going to be a tiny box room so it's fair enough.

Is your husband often like this? I would be very annoyed at home promising the best rooms to the older boys without any consideration of the third child in the house.

it is clearly unfair - and suggests he is incredibly high handed and selfish.

is this a symptom of bigger problems?

the only fair thing to do is put names in a hat. The boys shouldn’t get better rooms because their dad is an arsehole

I don't think it's weird, my DP's kids keep most of their stuff at their mum's as that's where they spend the majority of their time. They don't want to leave stuff behind so they can't use it until they come back. Especially teens, where their prize possessions are things like their phone and trainers!

And 9 year olds do not play for long periods of time alone in their rooms. They want to be around their parents.

And OP your DP should step up and buy the boys clothes and possessions to keep at your home. That is why maintenance is not paid. He is supposed to provide everything they need at your home, not for their mum to send then with what they need.

You don't think it's weird because your step children do the same? C'mon, your home is not really your stepchildren's home, is it.

Teenagers have more than trainers and phones. If you don't know this, then you know zip about teenagers.

@StardustGiraffe They spend fifty per cent of their time at their dads. Neither home is their main home. OP says they do not have clothes at their dads house at all, they just bring a bag from their mums. That is not right.
A few favoured possessions will be taken between the houses. But they should have school uniform, underwear, casual clothes, shoes, coats and some personal possessions at their dads.
They are obviously treated as guests already and not as if this is one of their two homes.

I feel really sorry for the kids in this situation. DH clearly favouring his bio kids and OP clearly favouring hers.

“Blended” families eh…

But the DSs each have another whole room elsewhere where a lot of their stuff is kept. DD probably just has her main room at OP's house (I am assuming this since she only spends every 2nd weekend at her father's house).

Have now read more posts- not all.

Whoever said wait, is 100% RIGHT. However, make sure the bathroom money is invested in an account that cannot be touched for 4/5 years.<---- This is the ONLY correct answer here, right now.

When, soon after marrying I discovered DH wanted to entice me in getting a Villa in a sunny European country, mainly to brag to his unemployed adult kid that 'they too can use it', I took CLEAR notice. 1) Unless and until he can afford it on his own, 2) and without sacrificing some luxuries we both enjoy, it doesn't have my support. Luckily I hate that country and its people- just not my type and I don't believe it is warm enough.

I have enough properties of my own including in sunnier places which also means I know the HUGE expenses of owning properties. To brag, not in my name!!!! I now just obfuscate etc etc when it is brought up, although I must admit DH got teh message pretty quickly. I am not a 'spend money I don't have person' and have done enough sacrifices that I now just want things I can comfortably afford as I really don't need anything anyway- just need to maintain what I already have!

I really don't understand how putting a bath in is essential. No one needs a bath, a shower is perfectly adequate!

Leave the bedrooms as they are for a few years until one of the older one moves out or goes to uni.

@DeeLusional the boys stuff should not be being kept elsewhere. They spend fifty fifty time. They should have lots of possessions at their dads as well. They are being very badly treated.

Anyone considered that the boys choose to keep their stuff at their Mother's ?

I think your husband has ballsed up with telling his kids that, and he should be the one to admit that to his kids.
I think they should be reminded that they're lucky to have their own room, I know a lot of kids who have to share.
My third bedroom is small but it'll have to do for my youngest. I'm torn between the youngest having the smallest room as they will only need a single bed and assuming she'll be the last to move out (not always the case I know). However she is there more of the time so I can see why she should get one of the doubles too. Tricky, good luck with decision.

I get it, we have littles sharing with us at the moment until we start renovations and DSC has their own room. Even when done Littles share and DSC gets their own room. Sometimes the inequality infuriates me as they get preferred treatment. However, it’s the right thing to do.

Your daughter is 9. The teenagers are older. You will have a simpler life if you let the oldest have the bigger rooms as, let’s be honest, if you shared all three then that’s what would happen.

It doesn’t sound like a small house, could you turn a room to a play room type thing which could be easily tidied? Do you really want to encourage her spending ages in her room?